Saturday, September 17, 2011

No Way Out 2009

Our next stop in our look back at 2009 is at the Febuary PPV of No Way Out, which has been renamed currently to highlight the main attraction of the evening, The Elimination Chamber. The Elimination Chamber is a neat last stop before Wrestlemania, since really, all it does is bridge the gap from the plot points started at the Royal Rumble to the plot conclusion at Wrestlemania. It can either be a very integral part of furthering the plot, or it can just be filler. As such, the inclusion of the Elimination Chamber is really quite integral, as the PPV requires this extreme match gimmick to draw attention.

The idea behind the match is that it is essentially a six man Hell in a Cell match, only instead of the usual mesh, the Chamber is constructed with chain link, and the apron is replaced with steel grills. Also, sort of in tune with the Royal Rumble, only two men start out the match, and the other four enter as time goes on. To this end, four men are placed inside pexi-glass pods located on the ring corners, which are locked until the referee opens them (he’s such a nice guy). After a pin fall or submission, the loser is forced to leave the match, and this continues until there is just one man left standing. Now, this might sound a little too much in terms of trying to make a match complicated, but as seen in my review of the 2011 Elimination Chamber, if done right, the match can really work. There is a kind of tension as to who is getting in the match at what time, and with six men in the match, the action can be constant and entertaining. Also, I have to say, the design of the Chamber itself is just cool. I really like the decision to go with a circular design. I’m a stickler for using the setting or stipulation to its fullest advantage in a match: if it’s there, use it to make the match better. The Elimination Chamber provides itself as a great set-up for a match, with the sense of claustrophobia, the prospect of injury, the fact that time is an issue (with new people coming in every five minutes), and you can make a fight more diverse in its presentation than just throwing punches or going for pin falls.

Now, to the show itself. You’ll remember that last month, Randy Orton had kicked Mr. McMahon in the head in a fit of rage, and was probably going to get fired if he didn’t win the Royal Rumble and have a guaranteed title match at Wrestlemania (boy, it’s a good thing police don’t exist in wrestling, or else you could have just had him arrested). Well, Orton did win, and then threatened to sue the WWE if they did indeed try to fire him, as it would be in breach of his guaranteed match. Stephanie McMahon, who’ll we remember is in charge of Raw at this time, says that she has no intention of firing Orton; instead, she’s brought back Shane McMahon, the brother of Stephanie and son of Vince, to come in and avenge their dad proper-like, via attacking Randy with his horrible looking punches. To this end, tonight, Shane and Orton have a No Holds Barred Match so that Shane might get his full revenge on the man who kicked his dad in the head. I’m actually happy with this storyline, even if it does force me to watch Randy Orton. As I said, the February PPV can sometimes just be filler to buy time until Wrestlemania (like having Alberto Del Rio fight Kofi Kingston in a who-cares match, just so that Del Rio could have screen time after winning the Rumble). With this, it actually builds on the storyline that’s developing. Orton’s anger management issues is getting him in trouble with the McMahons, and it’s building in intensity; first Vince, now Shane. You get the sense of plot progression, rather than stagnation.

If only Orton wasn’t so boring…

But first, we start things off with our first Elimination Chamber Match. It’s the Smackdown cast first, and it’s for the WWE Championship. The first man out is the Undertaker, and what better way to start off an evening than watching his entrance? The funeral dirge kind of sets the tune as he walks to the metal chamber. I love how unimpressed Taker looks as he walks in; he’s totally been there and done that, as far as being thrown around a steel structure goes. He goes to his pod, and the next man in is the Big Show. He too looks unimpressed, though not exactly excited, as he stares down Undertaker in his pod. Honestly, I love the sheer screen presence of these two; their confidence and stoicness makes the thing seem more sincere in its execution, rather than just being another match. Speaking of confidence, Vladimir Koslov is #3, and we’ll remember that he’s still being pushed as a monster heel, as he tries to stare down the Undertaker, and fails, but rather than cower, he goes over to his corner like a machine. I actually liked the whole living tank thing they were going for with Koslov, and it’s a pity it never caught on. Last man in for the pod crew is Triple H, and I realize how good the cast is for this match already. Triple H, Undertaker, and Big Show are good enough on their own, never mind in an awesome setting like the Elimination Chamber. Hunter, being smart, opts not to stare at the Undertaker, instead preferring to taunt the Big Show by standing on the turnbuckle overlooking Show’s pod and does a pose down. Show does not appreciate the act very much.

Now we have the first two men who will start things off. It’s Jeff Hardy, who is not wearing face paint today, and looks like an actual human being. This is kind of what I meant when I said plotlines are put on hold; we know at this point that Jeff isn’t going to win, because his storyline right now is with Matt, who has betrayed him, and is obviously building towards Wrestlemania. Thus, Jeff’s appearance in this match is pointless, and his real plotline is not developed upon. And finally, of course, we have our WWE Champion, Edge, who, unlike everyone else, looks none too pleased with having to go into the Elimination Chamber, and tries to stall before going in. I like how Edge’s cowardly heel presence plays off against how super serious Undertaker and Triple H are. Edge knows he’s in trouble, and is not looking forward to things to come.

The match starts, and Jeff attacks Edge as quick as he can, first with punches, then with a lot of crossbodies. There’s a neat moment where Edge does a panicked double-take as he sees Taker glaring at him from his pod, but really, wouldn’t you do that if Undertaker was glaring at you? Once Edge gets the momentum back, he constantly tries to pin Jeff after every conceivable move, emphasizing how desperate he is to get this over with. Edge gets Jeff into Big Show’s corner, and Edge realizes Show is laughing at him. I love how everyone is adding moments of character to this match; as I said before, if you can use the strengths of everyone at ringside, you get a ton of personality added into things, and it makes the match more fulfilling as a result. However, our amount of Edge personality is cut oddly short: he tries to Spear Jeff, but Jeff catches him with a roll up pin and eliminates Edge. Keep in mind, this is all within the first four minutes. Edge, of course, looks baffled at this, and Show and Triple H have a good laugh in their corners. Edge is forced to leave against his will, and I love how he looks like he’s about to cry at this upset.

Well, one man  down, four to go. Our timer counts down, and it turns out the next man is Vladimir Koslov. He crushes Jeff like a Russian tank runs over drugged out ragdolls. Seriously, there is no point here where I don’t believe Vlad could kill Jeff if the thought came into his mind. And that’s why I think Koslov’s monster persona is better than, say, the Great Khali; I can believe in Koslov, who doesn’t rely on just being a big man, but also has a great many moves, and just plays the part of the unstoppable force, rather than being a lumbering goliath. Koslov spends a good five minutes smashing Jeff into everything in sight, giving us the first example of throwing people into the chainlink walls. Jeff, being a Mary Sue, keeps kicking out. I would buy it more if Jeff was actually putting up a fight, but he’s not: he’s just taking a  savage beating, without any offense of his own.

Jeff does eventually lay out Vladimir by, what else, falling on him, setting up for the entrance of the Big Show. Big Show, being intelligent, goes right for Jeff, because who would you fight first, a burnt out stoner or a Russian Tank? Vladimir gets in on this by headbutting Jeff, and between the two of them, they practically kill Jeff. Again. Seriously, I said last time, the Hardys are at their best when there being destroyed. I really do love how the two big men are playing at who can hurt Jeff more, and trying to impress one another. The match does slow down a great deal here, as it’s just Vlad and Show taking turns at throwing Jeff around, but I’m probably the only one who’s not complaining about that. But eventually, Vlad gets tired of this, and plows into Show and takes him down. Show retaliates by tossing Koslov. The two exchange punches, but don’t get very far.

In comes Triple H, and he does his best to attack Big Show and Koslov. Once again, I love how the previous act of this match was to establish Show and Koslov as these mega powers, and then Triple H gets to come in and take them both out by himself. The man really does god mode a great deal, let’s face it. Triple H and Koslov take the fight outside the ring, which, we’ll remember, is covered in steel grilling. Show intervenes by dragging Hunter back into the main of the ring, and lays a wailing. Koslov does the same to Jeff. It seems that the heels of the match are having the upper hand here. I’m glad that Hunter decides to start selling Show’s attacks, and begins reeling. Again, the match has slown down a great deal, with Show and Koslov kind of just hanging around and beating up the good guys. It’s not so much of a fight as a methodical beatdown. Not to mention it’s a lot of punches, and not too much motion and diverse moves going on. Finally, Show chucks Triple H into the steel wall, and then bellyflops onto him, as well as picking up Jeff and does the same. I’m only just struck by how un-hardcore this match has been thus far. They’re in a room full of metal, and they’re not using it.

Well, all four men are downed by the time Undertaker finally gets in, and once again, the oldest man in the match puts the most life into it. He explodes on Big Show, and then just batters Koslov, Triple H, and Jeff. See, Taker’s allowed to godmode, because he is, well, kind of a god. After smashing everyone, Taker dives onto Show from the turnbuckle, and then DDTs him onto the grill. Curiously, he doesn’t try to pin him. He then hits Old School on Hunter, kicks Jeff in the face, before being speared (lower case)  by Koslov. The Deadman  doesn’t take too kindly, and uses the Last Ride on Vladimir Koslov to eliminate him. I feel this wasn’t the best showing of Vlad, as he slowed down the match a bit with his constant beating of Jeff, but I feel that’s more a case of not having an opponent who could keep the speed up.

Show gets his wind back, and starts having fun by chucking both Triple H and Jeff around. Jeff tries to climb one of the pods, but is haulted by Show, who then climbs the turnbuckle to take some more shots, but proceeds to be superplexed by the Undertaker. Yes, the Undertaker just inserted a ton of awesome into the match. Triple H, just to show everyone that he can hit his big moves too, Pedigrees Show, who also receives a Swanton Bomb from Jeff. Oddly, Jeff doesn’t get to pin the Big Show, but Triple H does. Huh. Show is out, and in spite of being part of the slower bits, I feel that Show was actually one of the only ones in this match who used the setting to his advantage, throwing everyone into the walls and grill, and making things seem extreme.

Well, it’s all faces now, and Undertaker doesn’t care how much of a good guy everyone is. He lays a beating on Hunter and throws him out, and is going to hit Old School on Jeff before Hunter trips him up. Jeff then uses Taker as a platform to huck himself at Hunter. I’m impressed with how much speed was thrown in as things wind down. Taker, not liking being used as a platform, drags Jeff by the hair and hits him with the Tombstone, eliminating Jeff. Seriously, I feel that Jeff added the least to this match. He spent most of his time taking a beating, and the few pieces of offense he got in were generally just icing on the cake that everyone else had baked. Also, I think the fact that the match felt so slow midway was because the man wasn’t doing anything, and thus the potential action was cut down by 1/3. And again, his role in this match was non-important, as his storyline really doesn’t need him here.

Our final two men are Undertaker and Triple H, and it’s a good choice for a final two. Keeping in mind that the winner will be the WWE Champion going into Wrestlemania, either man is a good bet. The obvious winner would be Triple H, given the storyline going on with Orton vs. the McMahons, and you would want that storyline to culminate with a final match against the son-in-law, not to mention the epic backstory the two men already have. On the other hand, Undertaker is too good to simply be ignored, and could easily muscle his way in. The have a face off, Hunter rushes him, and Taker kicks him in the face. I love how Taker’s face is just like “Bitch, please.” Triple H rallies, throws Taker into the wall, and tries a jumping axe handle, only to be caught in the air with a chokeslam. Taker then tries snake-eyes before being caught with a spinebuster. I like how they’re finally doing a back-and-forth fight, rather than the beat-downs we had earlier. Undertaker does finally manage to Tombstone Triple H, but Hunter gets his foot on the rope to break the count. I was under the impression that this was a Falls Count Anywhere type match, and thus rope breaks wouldn’t mean anything. I’m calling shenanigans. But, in order to keep things fair, Undertaker is allowed to kick out of a Pedigree. It’s not as dramatic, as the two are kind of sharing the “Kick out of big moves” thing, and thus the audience knows what’s coming. Eventually, Triple H gets in another Pedigree and picks up the win, becoming the new WWE Champion. Not a huge surprise, when you consider how it makes sense with the other storyline going on, but it works.

I’m a bit disappointed in this match. It really dragged for a good bit while Show and Koslov did a joint beatdown of Jeff, and even Triple H didn’t add much for a good portion of this match, as both men were delegated to simply sit there and be punched. Things didn’t speed up until Undertaker came in, and he can only do so much. Also, the setting was savagely underused in this match: other than Big Show, it felt like no one was using the cage to their advantage, and it winds up feeling like “Why didn’t we just do this in a regular six man match?” I think the early exit of Edge was a mistake, as he could have definitely added to the speed and action within the ring.

Speaking of Edge, he’s backstage going insane over his loss. He tries to convince Vickie that they should simply restart the match, and I’m a bit surprised that Vickie doesn’t go for it. Instead, she tells Edge that this was his fault for losing, indicating a rift in the power couple’s reign.

Next match: Randy Orton vs. Shane McMahon. I’m a bit surprised they put this one before the ECW Title match, as it’s kind of the main plotline the WWE has going at this point, but whatever. The promo prior to the match brings up a plot point I had forgotten about: Orton’s Explosive Intermittent Disorder. Essentially, it’s a made-up term that Orton uses to explain his bursts of incredible violence against the McMahon’s, and thus helps him in avioiding getting sued. It also helps garner heat from the crowd because they know that’s it’s a bullshit way of Orton avoiding using the legal system in order to cover up his crimes. When something can touch home with the audience, like seeing a psycho get away with something on a technicality, it helps makes the storyline more compelling. And with Orton, he needs all the help he can get. Also, props to this promo for making Shane look like an absolute superhero in this, despite the fact that he’s definitely not a great wrestler. I should also point out how funny it is to watch the McMahon’s all band together like this, when they’ve gone through great lengths to destroy one another in the past.

Before the match starts, Orton displays his miraculous promo ability by staring blankly at the camera, droning in monotone while trying to provoke Shane regarding Vince’s condition. It would be intimidating if I believed Orton wasn’t secretly a sack of potatoes.

Orton comes out to the ring, and looks lost. Seriously, I don’t get this guy: the one thing he does best in terms of facials is looking angry, and here, he looks like he’s accidently wandered into the wrong room and doesn’t know what else to do. If his character is supposed to be looking forward to beating Shane, he’s definitely doing a lousy job of conveying it to the audience. On the flip side, Shane comes out in his usual jogging pants and customized jersey that he wears in his matches, and brings some much needed emotion. His face looks like a man who expects to die, but is going to beat the tar out of his enemy before he goes. Which, considering Shane’s track record, is a good train of thought.

The match starts off, strangely, with the two sparring, Shane getting in a couple of his awful punches, as they test one another. I would have thought, given how much Shane wants to kill Orton, that things would start out quicker, with more anger. Orton gets sick of no-selling Shane’s punches, and throws a few of his own, before Shane tries to rally back, earning cheers from the crowd as he drives Orton from the ring. I think it’s a good idea to get Shane on-top early; we all know he’s not going to win, so he needs some momentum in his corner, not to mention that the crowd is completely behind Shane’s cause, and seeing him get some licks in pumps up the audience.

Shane goes under the ring early, pulling out a table and a trash can, but doesn’t get to use them before Orton starts casually hitting him. Let’s try using some emotion in your quest to defeat the McMahons, Randy. I like how Shane goes down after only a few hits from Orton, as it makes sense that a non-wrestler wouldn’t have as much stamina, as well as putting over the “forlorn hope” mentality that’s in Shane’s character. All of this adds to a wonderful moment where Orton goes to try and attack Shane at ringside, when suddenly Shane whips out a kendo stick and smashes Orton in the face with it. The crowd goes nuts as Shane starts smashing Orton with the stick: this must be the first time a crowd has been completely behind a McMahon in a wrestling match. I should mention that there isn’t really a lot of back-and-forth here; both men are taking turns taking a beating from the other, so there’s not too much tension so much as wondering what each man is going to do during their turn. In Shane’s case, he smashes Orton with a television monitor, sets him up on the announce table, and is about to jump through when suddenly, Legacy (Rhodes and Dibiase) appear from behind and proceed to stomp on Shane. And this is why we’re going to be hating on Legacy so much: nearly every match they’re involved in is the same. Orton gets into peril, Ted and Cody appear to interfere and bail him out, usually resulting in DQ. It gets boring in it’s predictability, and the interference can ruin an otherwise good match (though with Orton, the “good match” thing is rare indeed). Mostly, it’s just annoying, and forms as a cheap way to end a match rather than thinking of something fresh and new.

Shane, luckily, rallies back and DDTs Cody on a steel chair. I believe that’s the first time I’ve seen Shane DDT anyone. The crowd is going nuts for Shane, and I think it’s one half from caring for Shane’s cause, and one half from hating Legacy as much as I do. Shane sets up Cody for his one flashy move, the Coast to Coast, in which the opponent is set in a seated position at the turnbuckle with a trashcan in front of him, and then Shane jumps from the opposite turnbuckle to drive the can into their body. The can takes more punishment than the person on the receiving end, but it looks cool. Shane then tries to finish his jump onto Orton on the table, but by now, Orton has had enough time to get his breath, and moves out of the way as Shane crashes through the table. I notice that Orton has done exceptionally little in this match, with most of the action being supplied by Shane’s hardcore assault. It’s sad when Shane is the one providing momentum to the match.

Once Orton does begin his attack, it’s the usual plodding fare, methodically hitting his DDT from the middle rope. He finally attempts to use the hardcore stipulation by setting up a table in the ring, but oh my God, is he slow at doing it. You’re supposed to be in a rage, not out for a leisurely stroll! After waiting ten hours, Orton superplexes Shane through the table, but given that it took so long to set up and to execute, there’s no emotion to it, no storyline value. It’s just broken wood for the sake of broken wood, and a wasted opportunity. Orton tries stomping on Shane, given that usually works, and then sets up for the punt to the skull, but Shane hits the spear to take him down. Now, see, let’s compare the spear to the superlex:  the spear was a matter of life or death, and if he didn’t hit it, Shane would have been KO’d. It was dramatic in execution, as it’s necessity was crucial, and it ensured Shane would live for a few more minutes. The superplex was ponderous and flat, done simply because it was Orton’s turn to do a move.

Being the man supplying emotion to this match, Shane, battered and broken, gets his hands on a chair, and starts, from a kneeling position, to strike Orton, until finally getting to his feet and delivering a headshot. The rise from his almost certain death is a good moment, and sets up for the tragedy of victory snatched away; Shane tries to return the kick to Orton’s skull, but gets hit with an RKO in mid stride, and gets pinned by Orton, who wins.

This match was something of a mix: simply, Shane’s bits were very good. He was in character, his story telling the match (trying desperately to conquer something he knows he doesn’t have a chance against) was well done, his pacing was great (he knew when to be on top and when to rally for the most drama), and he actually used the No Holds Barred Stipulation to his advantage by using the weapons in lieu of actual moves. Orton’s bits were terrible: he had absolutely no emotion in this match, he was slow and plodding as I’ve ever seen him, the interference by Legacy seems more like an excuse for Orton to do nothing than adding anything to the match, his moments of offense were few and boring, and everytime he was in control the momentum of the match screeched to a halt. While I expect this as a general rule from an Orton match, when the storyline going in is that he’s in looking to finish the McMahon’s, I was hoping for a little more life to his body language. It kind of makes the whole plot look weak as a result of his under-acting.

Our next match is the ECW Championship Match. Good lord, I miss ECW. Having a third show was a great way to have more of the mid-carders get screen time, when they wouldn’t be doing anything on Raw or Smackdown. Our Champion is still Jack Swagger, and fighting him tonight is Finlay. Finlay is a fightin’ Irishman, and in spite of being stuck with Hornswoggle, the man manages to just give off the sense of toughness. Given that he must be pushing 50, I can only hope I’m in as good shape as he is when I’m that age. The match starts, and the two get things underway quickly. What I love about Finlay is that he can both brawl, and use technical moves, sticking Swagger in a Boston crab early on. The crowd is surprisingly docile during this; I think people still don’t know what to make of Swagger. Swagger dodges a shoulder check and gets in some moves of his own, putting Finlay into a stretch. Again, I think what people aren’t clicking into about early Swagger is his use of submissions. They can work if used in the right moments of a match, but if they make up your general offense, they can slow down a match and cease the caring of the viewer. Of course, Swagger has impact moves too, hitting Finlay with a shoulder-breaker before moving on to an arm bar. Finlay is having a hard time of this, trying to fight out of the arm bar, before Swagger changes it into a hammer lock. I think this is a misuse of Finlay, who is at his best when he’s kicking people’s face in (Finlay strangely adds a lot of speed into matches with his fast and furious offense). I think where Finlay’s brawling is more believable than a lot of other guys who just throw punches is the air of stoic dignity that Finlay has; he’s calm, cool, and collected, and thus can garner more respect then perhaps John Cena’s out going character can.

Finlay gets an offence in, but it doesn’t garner the kind of reaction I thought it would, with a face coming back from peril and kicking up the speed. Strangely, his offence is kept short, with Swagger hitting the Gutwrench Powerbomb to win. This wasn’t one of the best matches: first, it was relatively short, and it didn’t feel like either man had much time to work with. Second, the pacing wasn’t the best, with Swagger dominating most of it, and Finlay’s offence being kept minimal, so it came off as kind of a squash match. Third, you can really see why people weren’t in to Swagger when he first started: his character is good, but he really likes to go for those submission moves, and those tend to kill momentum and crowd interest.

Our second most complex storyline of the night is Shawn Michaels vs. JBL. You’ll remember how last month, he failed to assist JBL in beating Cena for the WWE Championship, namely because he superkicked his boss in the face. Bradshaw, naturally, takes exception with this, and is fed up with Shawn’s screw-ups on his behalf, especially because his chances of getting to Wrestlemania as Champion are becoming less and less. Shawn, of course, doesn’t want to be fired, as he is still in a great deal of debt and needs the money. Thus, JBL, realizing that this is wrestling and that regular problems can be solved in the oddest of fashions, has a plan: he’s going to challenge Shawn to a match. If Shawn wins, then JBL promises to pay him everything that he’s owed, thus effectively staving off Shawn’s financial disasters. However, if JBL wins, then he will own the name of Shawn Michaels, as well as garnering Shawn’s employment/slavery for the rest of his life. Essentially, the plan here for JBL is that he’s going to make obscene amounts of money by marketing Shawn Michaels, of which HBK will see not a penny of. Now, the plotline here does hurt in many regards. Firstly, we all know good and well that JBL isn’t going to own Shawn Michaels. The proposed prize for the Wrestling God really isn’t all that great. Especially when you consider that a victory for Shawn is a Get Out of Jail Free card. Essentially, the goal here is to free up Shawn from this plotline so that he can face Undertaker at Wrestlemania, and as such, it’s climax is kind of being cut short. What does work, however, is playing off of the relationship that JBL and Michaels have been building for the last few months. They plainly despise one another, and this culmination of emotions makes the conflict more interesting. Also, you have the theme of Shawn, the former indentured servant, rising against his slavemaster, JBL, which writes itself in terms of drama and getting the crowd behind Shawn’s cause. Not to mention that this is a good final stop for Shawn’s character arc in this storyline: he’s failed everyone, including himself, and hasn’t brought home any kind of victory for some time. One more failure spells the end of the world, but if he can stop himself from giving in to despair, then there’s one more day of wine and roses. Also, I absolutely love the promo JBL delivers to Shawn setting up this match: he just bullies him unmercifully, and really drives home what a jerk he is, as well as how beat up and broken Shawn is, thus making his chance at redemption more sweet.

First, we have JBL’s entrance. Oddly, he doesn’t enter via limo tonight. Also, he looks none too happy, as evil billionaires are wont to do. Also, Shawn’s wife Rebecca is at ringside, and JBL has a good little smirk at her. Damnation, JBL is evil. Shawn comes out, and his them really doesn’t help the dire situation he’s facing here. It’s hard to be dramatic to “Sexy Boy.” I must note that Rebecca’s facial expressions help out: she does look concerned here, and this makes the overall situation appear more all together serious.

He bell rings, and the two men stare down at one another. I think you need to start things with a stare down, rather than a heated attack, in order to build up the tension as realization sinks in to Shawn that if he loses this, he’s in a ton of trouble. They grapple, and Bradshaw pushes Shawn into a corner, thus setting up that Shawn is the underdog here. Thus, when Shawn responds by attacking with a heated flurry of punches, it feels like the dam bursting after holding back a ton of water. JBL shows just how evil he is by taking advantage of Shawn’s anger and hands him a chair, daring him to hit him with it, thus getting disqualified. The laugh that Bradshaw has here is priceless in how evil it is: surely, there is nothing Shawn would like to do more, but must avoid temptation, in spite of the fact that the man before him is a complete tool. They exchange some pin fall attempts, and it speaks to how much the crowd is invested in the storyline that they go nuts at every two count, in spite of the fact that it’s only five minutes in the match and everyone knows that it’s not about to end. Shawn goes to work by putting JBL in submissions, which are able to stay interesting as they are kept short before they are broken by JBL. Bradshaw is not so nearly versed in technique and prefers to just toss Shawn over the ring top. JBL goes to bring him back in the ring, but I’m not sure why: surely it suits him to have Shawn counted out? He drops a ton of elbows on Shawn, and each time he smirks over at Rebecca to make sure she’s watching. JBL keeps pummelling Shawn with punches, and it works to give the impression of JBL bullying Shawn, as well as emphasizing that Shawn’s in peril. The fact that this worked is shown that JBL keeps Shawn in a bearhug for a good minute, which would kill nearly any other match, but the crowd stays into this and cheers Shawn to kick out.

JBL goes to set up a superplex Shawn, and I should point out how this works better than Orton’s attempt of the same move earlier: this is coming after JBL has spent a good chunk of time smashing Shawn’s face, and thus the superplex could truly finish the job. Second, the move was built up to with an intense assault, and thus the set-up for the superplex, which takes a while by necessity, did not feel like time had stopped, but rather another piece of a well-orchestrated attack. Regardless, Bradshaw does not hit the superplex, but instead is knocked off his perch by Shawn, who in turn tries to drop a flying elbow, but misses. JBL hits the Clothesline From Hell, and I can’t gauge the audience reaction here: they’re very quiet. I don’t know if it’s because they actually think that Shawn just lost, and thus are stunned at the unexpected plot twist, or if because they know that it’s not the end and aren’t going to bother getting upset about it. At any rate, the latter option is the correct one, as Shawn kicks out, and JBL is stunned, which soon becomes incensed anger. As such, he delivers a second Clothesline From Hell. The answer is, yes, it does look like a regular clothesline. Rather than pin Shawn, JBL kicks his lifeless body to ringside, infront of his wife, so that Shawn can be counted out and she can watch. Shawn, of course, waits until the nine-count before coming back in.

We seem to have entered the part of the match where JBL is torn between wanting to kill Shawn, and just wanting to win. He’s going for the former, as his goal now seems to be to taunt Shawn, dragging him over to Rebecca to make her watch. Then, in an awesome moment, Rebecca punches JBL. Now, really, that should have gotten Shawn disqualified, but apparently, the ref forgot. This leads up to a massive Shawn rally, who starts to hit JBL with everything he has. This comeback is timed absolutely perfectly: is comes after the absolute darkest moment for Shawn in this match, and after JBL has been just as evil as he can be, and fuels the audience’s desire to see him be conquered. Sure enough, when he hits the Superkick on JBL, the crowd goes crazy, and HBK wins the match.

I really loved this match. It definitely was not the best wrestling match in terms of technicality, but the story telling was spot on. The timing was perfect, with everything that needed to be done being done at the right moment. What impressed me was that even though everyone knew Shawn was going to win, the tension was still kept up through the match, and his moments of peril were believable. The character work of JBL and Shawn was magnificient, with JBL’s bullying and general ass hole behaviour earning the crowds spite, and with Shawn’s beaten hero on his last legs earning their pity. The inclusion of Rebecca was a pleasant surprise, as she helped drill home how much JBL’s evil is affecting Shawn’s whole family, thus making it more important that Shawn succeed, and her acting, while not really diverse other than looking concerned, was handled very well (seriously, some wives can’t do the “concerned” thing). I loved the set-up for the comeback, with JBL trying to completely destroy and humiliate Shawn, and everything that happened in the match had more meaning than usual thanks to an in depth storyline and increased emotional attachment from both the characters and the crowd.

Our final match of the evening is the second Elimination Chamber match, this time for Raw and the World Heavyweight Championship. If there’s one thing I find disappointing about these conglomerate matches is that there aren’t really any stories leading into them for the individuals, who are generally just looking to win the title. Which, I guess, is a storyline, but not on the same level of emotional investment as our previous match.

The first man up is our Champion, John Cena, who looks way too happy considering he’s about to enter the Elimination Chamber. But, then, if John wants to be happy, who’s going to tell him he can’t? At least he does halt in front of the door and looks at it with some trepidation before walking in, so it’s not a walk in the park. Second man in is Mike Knox, who is getting a push much like Koslov as an unstoppable monster. Really, this is a pretty big deal for a guy like Knox, who is relatively new at this point and is getting a title shot. But again, the audience doesn’t know what to make of his character, which doesn’t seem to have a focus or personality other than anger, and thus he doesn’t make the most of it. Strangely, I find myself liking Knox more than other big guys without characters. I think it’s because in his moments of mic time, he is pretty eloquent and intelligent, and you get the idea he could do a character if he was handed one.

Speaking of character, the third man in is Kane, who walks right in to the Chamber without any hesitation. Kane is the perfect example of a monster character that worked better than anyone thought, as he didn’t settle simply on just being fearsome, and instead developed an intricately complicated character, with nuances and a developed psychosis. Also, under that evil brow, you can tell he looks forward to these kinds of matches. He never wins, but he gets to break some heads while he’s there.

Our fourth man in the match is Kofi Kingston. Or, it would be, if not for a sudden case of Edge. The Rated R Superstar lays a beating on Kofi, who is deemed unable to compete, and thus Edge forces his way into Kofi’s pod and refuses to come out. It’s revealed in the next night’s Raw that after Shane’s match, Stephanie left to go with him to the hospital and left Vickie in charge, who had to make the call that, as Kofi was incapacitated, someone had to take his place, and given that Edge was there, he got the nod. On one hand, I’m very happy, especially considering that Edge’s time in the first match was cut short, and more Edge is always a good thing. On the flip side, it kind of sucks for Kofi, who gets dumped unceremoniously aside. I mean, imagine if you were a Kofi Kingston fan who had bought the PPV for the sole reason of watching him, and he was taken out before he even got started. It would suck.

Rey Mysterio, who is supposed to start the match, is helping out by telling the refs to get some help for Kofi, before going into the Chamber and tries to drag Edge out of his pod. Edge looks terrified at the prospect of Rey getting in. The other man who starts is Chris Jericho, who has a nice little smirk at Kofi before continuing on in indifference. I love how the refs are all milling around trying to figure out what’s going on before shrugging and locking the main door. Good effort at keeping order, refs.

The match starts, and I will never tire of Jericho and Rey fighting. The two are among the best in ring competitors in the WWE, and they start things off with some general grappling. It’s kept speedy, and gets the audience into the match early on. Granted, it’s more technical wrestling than I really want in a cage match, but I’ll turn a blind eye for Jericho and Rey. Besides, they take the fight to ringside quickly, with Rey hitting a senton on Jericho onto the grills. Things get more hardcore quickly enough, as Rey attempts to spear Jericho into the turnbuckle, only to have Jericho move out of the way, and Rey’s momentum leads him to smash his head into Kane’s pod by accident. Kane looks bemused at Rey’s misfortune. Things don’t get too much better for Rey and Jericho backdrops him onto the grills. He gets his own back by countering a slingshot and climbing the chainlink walls before hitting Jericho with a leaping hurricanrana. Now, compare how this match has started out to the first: The setting is already being used with gusto, and in different ways, so as to avoid monotony. Second, we have a nice back and forth, with both Jericho and Mysterio controlling the match and no one man just sort of sitting there. Third, the pacing is great, with the speed of both men keeping the match moving, as well as having both men get their offense and avoiding a simple beatdown. This is much, much better. By the time the next  entrant comes in, the crowd is pumped up and excited for what’s to come.

The next man in is Kane, who is ready to have fun. After thossing Rey around some, he walks over to Edge’s pod and pounds on the glass, sending Edge cowering into the corner. I love character moments like that: they add more emotion to the match, and give the whole thing more personality and depth. Kane oddly has some trouble early on with Jericho, but gets back at him by hurling him onto the grill, and proceeds to smash his knee into the flooring. I love how Kane doesn’t care who he’s hurting; both he and Jericho are heel, and you’d think they’d team up and go after Rey, but instead, Kane is happy with whoever he’s killing, and that’s why his monster character is so much fun: he really gets off on the pain he inflicts. Rey puts up a game fight against Kane, but as most Rey attacks against Kane, things go south quickly. However, he does counter a Chokeslam into a hurricanrana into a 619, and then Jericho obliges by hitting Kane with a Codebreaker. Rey then climbs up onto a pod and hits Kane with a seated senton, eliminating Kane early. I’m really quite surprised that Kane was the first guy out here; I kind of had Knox pegged for that. Also disappointed that Kane didn’t really get to do much here. Usually, he gets to at least smash someone thoroughly, but here, his mayhem was muted. Still, it should be noted that all through this segment, there was a good pacing as all three men were constantly involved in the action, and there were never any slow moments, with something always occurring in the ring. This is what multi-man matches should do: use the total manpower to build a better match.

The next man summoned into the match is Mike Knox, who kicks Rey in the head right after he exits his pod. Poor Rey, he really does get the short end of the stick in these things. Knox isn’t picky, and attacks Jericho as well. Of course, having flattened both men, there is only one man capable of movement here, and Knox gets in his attacks relatively unhindered. I think this is where the early elimination of Kane was a bad idea: if you had kept him in, you could have kept up the energy and movement along with Knox, and still made a fight of it. Instead, Rey and Jericho, who are undoubtedly tired, kind of have to take their lumps against Knox, and it becomes more of a beat down than a fight, which, as I said before, hurts the momentum, and doesn’t use the advantage of numbers to keep the flow of the match going. At least Jericho helps out by setting himself up to be picked up and flattened against the Chamber walls. Props to Knox for using the cage to his advantage, a factor that he, of course, uses to further kill Rey by sticking Rey’s foot through one of the links, hanging him there like a rag before smashing into him with the knee. And in that, at least the sheer diversity of how Knox is injuring his opponents keeps it from being too dull. But, in another early exit, Jericho flies out of nowhere with the Codebreaker to take out Knox. I’m not a fan of these early exits, especially when the only other men in the match, Rey and Jericho, have been in there since the beginning, have taken a beating, and surely must be tired, and could use the fresh blood to help give them a breather. Also, all things considered, Knox didn’t do too bad here: the match slowed down a bit, but that wasn’t really his fault so much as just having two tired men to deal with. Actually, Knox was always on the move in this, using diverse movesets, utilizing the Chamber setting effectively, and trying to keep things rolling. Not a bad outing, I’d say.

I do notice that these eliminations occur right before the counter gets to zero and another guy enters the match. This time, Edge’s number is called, and he desperately tries to stop the ref from opening the door. It’s to no avail, and the moment Rey sees his opening, he goes right after it, and any cobwebs the match might have had prior are shaken immediately. Rey leaps into Edge’s pod, grabs him by the head and smashes him multiple times into the pexiglass. I love when Rey becomes aggressive, as it’s so uncharacteristic. It’s also the first time the Chamber setting has been used in his advantage, so props to Rey for that. In fact, Mysterio kicks things into high gear right away, assaulting Edge before being clotheslined by Jericho, who is quite pleased with himself. Edge tries to attack Jericho, which strikes me as odd, as you’d think he’d try to run and hide some more. Thankfully for Edge, Jericho is more concerned with fighting Mysterio for a bit, until Edge attacks him from behind. Now that both men are down and out, Edge is happy to start attacking. But, thankfully, we avoid a beatdown as each man involved keep intercepting moves and trying to get their own attacks in. That’s what I mean about using all the manpower involved: there is never a lack of movement, with each person contributing something to the match in order to keep the momentum constantly going, rather than stalling while people take a breather. This is compromised after a tripleplex is hit by all three men, but as the move was so cool, I’m not going to complain, and things get moving quick enough anyways.

There’s a wonderful moment as Edge is the last man standing, realizes that the counter is about to hit zero, and slowly turns to face Cena’s pod, while John cheerily waves at him as his door opens. Cena’s lack of wrestling ability is a non-issue here, because what matters is keeping up the speed of the match, which he does very well with a flurry of punches and shoulder blocks. Cena sets Edge on his shoulders for an Attitude Adjustment, but is hit by Jericho’s Codebreaker (Chris is certainly keeping busy tonight), tumbles into the ringropes where he’s hit by a 619, and then staggers before being hit by the Spear, with Edge getting the pin to eliminate Cena. I am really quite surprised that Cena’s time in this match was under three minutes, and I do not get all of these early exits, unless the show was cramped for time and things needed to be sped up. Cena can only add to things in this situation, especially with Edge’s dastardly behaviour needing a good punching from the Superman. I mean, Cena brings energy into a situation like this, and to take him out so quickly is like taking the spark plug out of a car. Not to mention that there wasn’t a lot of drama behind his elimination, and considering he’s the Champion, that should not be so: his fall should be something of a cataclysm, rather than a drive by shooting. I really think they could have played with it more, drawing it out and making Cena look like he’s on his last legs, because he’s so obviously full of energy and ready to go that I do not believe for a second that he would be down this quickly. A poor booking decision, methinks.

On the flip side, Edge looks positively gleeful after realizing that he just took out Cena, as if he’s discovered the secret to conquering the world, and that all of his cowardly hesitations prior have vanished. The match keeps going with gusto, however, and it is a testament to how good Rey and Jericho are that they are still going with speed and ability. Jericho catches Rey in mid air, and is about to put him in the Walls of Jericho, but Rey reverses it into a small package and pins Jericho, eliminating him. Jericho’s presence in this match was really key, as he definitely attributed to keeping things moving. Even when his role was to get beat up, like when Knox was on a roll, he avoided being a limp rag doll like Hardy and actually tried to give the appearance of putting up a fight so that the match didn’t screech to a halt. Also, the fact that he and Rey both started, wrestled like mad, took some good shots from the Chamber setting, and yet still managed to keep the match moving with great wrestling and speed is fantastic.

We’re down to Rey and Edge, and I realize this is exactly how the Smackdown Elimination Chamber ended in 2011. They play with near falls, with each men getting a two count under their belt, but avoid it being a simple matter of exchanging finishers. I’m amazed with how much Rey has left in the tank, especially when you consider he’s taken more falls than anyone else in the match. They take it to the ringside, and keep using the setting to their advantage, with Rey countering a powerbomb into a facebuster to smash Edge’s head into the ground. Edge gets back at Rey by flapjacking him into a pod, crumpling the pexiglass. I adore how they’re not letting up on the match, keeping things extreme and not just settling for being tired and feebly throwing punches. But alas for Rey: Edge hits him with the Spear, and wins the World Heavyweight Championship. See my compliments for Jericho’s performance, and times them by two for Rey. He took more bumps than anyone, especially into the Elimination Chamber itself, and yet still performed awesomely.

I feel that this match should be considered perfect, as so many things went right: the speed was kept constant all throughout the match, and never resulted in the same kind of plodding that occurred in the first Elimination Chamber match. The Chamber setting was used to its full effect, with the match taking advantage of the walls, pods, and flooring to add to the drama and flash, keeping things interesting and reminding us that this is an Extreme match, rather than just a regular six man match. As far as Rey, Jericho, and Edge are concerned, they combined their abilities to put on a show, with each man contributing to the over all product and ensuring that the action was there, that it was good, that it was diverse, and that is was enjoyable to watch. Where things fell short are simply because all of the manpower potential was not used: the early exits of Kane, Knox, and especially Cena are horrible misjudgements in my mind, as all three men could only contribute to make the match even better than it already was. But, for what it was, it was an exceptionally good match, and a great cap off for the night. Anything that ends with Edge being the new Champion after employing nefarious means automatically earns points.

So No Way Out 2009 was pretty good. The first Elimination Chamber match had more misses than hits, and Orton ruins everything he touches, but the combined effort sets up for the storyline to go into Wrestlemania of Orton vs. Triple H for the WWE Championship, so the plot progression there was handled well. The ECW match was a bit mediocre, but not horrible. The JBL/HBK match was a fantastic way to end a storyline, getting drama out of a plot that wrestling rarely obtains, and the final Elimination Chamber was incredibly enjoyable and intense.

Next stop, Wrestlemania 25.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Royal Rumble 2009

Firstly, I apologize for the lack of updates for the last two months. Basically, upon moving, my writing schedule was thrown out of sync, and it was hard to get back into the groove. Second, I found that recapping every episode of both Raw and Smackdown proved to be more daunting than I thought. Not only is it very time consuming, but if I miss even a single episode, given how much the plot jumps around in wrestling, it’s hard to catch up. Especially considering what has happened on Raw alone post Money In the Bank, with Punk leaving, then coming back, and Triple H taking over for Vince, and Del Rio being the new Champion. It’s kind of been all over the place, and it’s hard to get back up to speed.

Instead, rather than being a show-to-show update, my blog is now going to be either short essays on wrestling topics, or recaps of PPVs or DVDs. Specifically, what I endeavour to do at this point is to watch every PPV DVD of 2009 in order, and look at how the plots, characters, and matches evolve over the course of a year. Thankfully, with everything on DVD, I can keep track of specifics and not get too lost.

So let’s hop in our time machine back to 2009, and see how it holds up in the PPV department.

Our first PPV comes in January, and is, of course, the Royal Rumble. Personally, I love the Rumble, and I think it’s the best PPV of the year. While Wrestlemania has all the plot conclusions, the Rumble is pretty much the starting point for all the major plots, and is where the intrigue starts. It’s the starting point of the Road to Wrestlemania, and just functions as a good bait to get the viewer invested in the goings on. To those not familiar, the Royal Rumble PPV, apart from the usual title matches, has the main event of a 30 man over-the-top-rope challenge, in which the idea is to throw every other man out of the ring and to be the last man standing. More intrigue is added to the thing by the way entrances are handled, with the match starting with only two men and another one being added in every ninety seconds, until all thirty men have been entered. The winner of the match gets to go to Wrestlemania to compete for the major Title of his choice. So not only is it a major plot point, but it also gives a chance for everyone on the roster to come out and get some screen time.

Now, for the 2009 Rumble, the big plot going in is that everyone’s favorite sack of boring, Randy Orton, has had a run in with Stephanie McMahon, who was running Raw at the time. Stephanie does us all a favor and slaps Randy, who in turn more or less calls her a whore. This rubs COO Vince McMahon the wrong way, and he’s about to fire Randy, before Orton punches him, and then proceeds to kick him in the head. Yes, Randy kicked an old man defending his daughter’s honor in the head. And that right there is why I can never buy this twerp as a good guy, never mind the ultimate good guy. I mean, this was only two years ago! I can remember that far back, WWE! At any rate, the big question is: will Randy Orton be fired for his actions? Well, the only way he won’t be is if he wins the Rumble and gets that guaranteed match at Wrestlemania. And right there, the entire suspense of the Rumble’s outcome is spoiled, because you know precisely what must and needs to happen in order for the plot to keep rolling. Once again, Randy Orton ruins everything.

But our first match of the night is the ECW Championship Match between Matt Hardy and Jack Swagger. Say, remember ECW? Remember how much better it was than NXT? Remember when it’s belt meant something? Actually, it’s sad that I forgot that Swagger was a Champion, and in fact a two time Champion. Poor Jack. Also, I should point out that Matt Hardy was both the previous ECW Champ, and is getting a title shot here. I bring this up, because when he left the company, Matt did nothing but whine about how the company never game him any shots or pushed him in anyway. As we shall see, Matt is full of shit.

The match starts, and I forgot how tall Matt is. I mean, Swagger is a pretty big guy, and Matt is about the same level as he is. They exchange some grapples, and of course the Hardy fangirls are here in full force, chanting up a storm. I mean, all he’s doing is throwing some punches, and they’re acting as if it’s the sexiest thing since sex. Get a grip, girls. Well, Jack does his best cowardly heel thing, where he keeps ducking out of the ring instead of going in to fight. Once Jack does get going, he outclasses Matt by doing some regular wrestling takedowns and toying with Hardy. Sadly, I think this is why Swagger’s first few months weren’t so hot: the crowd wasn’t completely behind his “actual” wrestling, and Swagger simply wasn’t flashy enough. I mean, Matt gets up simply does a bulldog on him, but the crowd is way more into it due to the speed and impact, whereas Swagger’s move, while technical, do not psych up a crowd. Which, incidentally, is why I believe smarks who harp on about “real wrestling moves” are only kidding themselves, because you cannot get the kind of crowd the WWE needs invested into those kinds of matches.

Back to the match, it really is a lot of Matt throwing punches and Jack going for submission holds. Yet somehow the crowd is really into it, the reason, I believe, being that Matt Hardy, like Jeff, is at his best when he’s in peril. Let’s face it, people cheer for the Hardy’s when they lose. That’s where they’re marketable. They do the underdog thing and make people feel good for their few successes because the rarity makes them sweeter. This match, however, is another loss, as Swagger hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb to get the win. I’m sure fangirls the world over weep.

Backstage, the outcome of the Rumble is drilled into the audience even more as Orton does the slow walk backstage, and everyone looks on at him in stoic wonder. Damnation, I hate Orton.

Hey, remember when the Divas were good? Gosh, I’m loving this delve back into 2009, and we’re only two matches in. Melina vs. Beth Phoenix for the Women’s Championship. Not only are these two of the best women wrestler’s ever, but you’ll notice that the title is the /Women’s Championship./ Not the lame pink Divas Championship, but an actual decent looking gold belt. Also, accompanying Beth is Santino, and the duo currently form a tandem called Glamerella. It worked out great for Santino, not so much for Beth. Let’s face it, teaming with Santino really brings you down.

The match starts emphasizing how strong Beth is, as she pretty much crushes Melina at first with a couple holds and bear hugs. Melina, however, is no fool, and is able to put up a fight. She rallies with a fantastic hurricanrana into an arm bar. Which is impressive, until Beth straight up lifts Melina onto her shoulders and tosses her around. Yes, women’s wrestling /can/ be entertaining! Beth goes for a boston crab, and bends Melina’s leg all the way over her head. What’s impressive there is how flexible Melina is. As far as the match goes, what impresses me the most is how give-and-take it is. There’s no one person carrying the match; both women are giving a great show, getting in offence and keeping the momentum up. Also, as far as storytelling goes, they’re really playing with Beth being the unstoppable force that Melina needs to conquer, and thus every blow Melina gets in seems like an even bigger triumph. Ultimately, Melina wins with a roll up pin, which is a bit disappointing, but it’s a nifty move, with Melina catching Beth just as the Glamazon is about to chuck her around. Seriously, this was a good match: it was fast paced, the move variety was good, both participants were working, and both women played to their characters very well.

And now, onto the World Heavyweight Championship match, currently on Monday Night Raw. Our current Champion is John Cena (who else?), and he will be facing JBL, everyone’s favorite Texas billionaire heel. I’ve talked about why JBL works so good as a bad guy before: he goes out of his way to be unlikable. While a lot of heels have their own fan support, and tend to either say or do things that have some lick of truth in them, JBL tries his best to be as despicable and hated as conceivably possible. Take, for instance, the story line going into this match. Remembering that this takes place shortly after the stock market collapse at the end of 2008, it seems that Shawn Michaels’ investments took a plummet, leaving him practically bankrupt. Yeah, it’s contrived, but roll with it. As a result, JBL warmly decides to help bail out Shawn… so long as he remains an indentured servant to JBL. So, in other words, Shawn is Bradshaw’s slave, or Shawn’s family goes hungry. Theirs is nothing so dastardly as taking advantage of a man who’s down and out, especially as Shawn is being painted as a fallen hero here, with JBL being the man keeping him from rising again. Truly evil. At any rate, JBL has wormed his way into a title shot against Cena by having a #1 contender’s match against who else but Shawn Michaels, and forced Shawn to lie down without a fight so that Bradshaw could pick up the win. Truly, being able to have a character that despicable is rare, and only adds to how good a villain Bradshaw was.

Prior to the match, we have a backstage segment with said Bradshaw and Michaels. JBL knows that HBK is close to snapping, and thus promises him that if JBL wins tonight, not only will he pay Michaels all of the money he’s owed, but he will also ensure Shawn will be in the Royal Rumble later that night. I like this add on, as it does add some suspense as to what factor Shawn will play in the title match. Of course, after JBL leaves, in comes the Undertaker. Not too sure why, but he tells Shawn that “Sometimes, it’s hell trying to get to heaven.” This sets up for the Wrestlemania match for HBK vs. Undertaker, but it doesn’t have much bearing at this moment in time.

Actually, I realize how lost in this storyline John Cena is. He’s not the protagonist in this, Shawn is. All of the interest and intrigue is in the relation between JBL and Michaels, and Cena’s just there as the guy holding the belt whom Shawn must help JBL defeat. Really, the part of Cena here could be played by anyone. At any rate, Cena gets an oddly warm reception from the Detroit crowd when he enters, which I personally rack up as the desire of the crowd to see the Superman beat JBL’s Lex Luthor, once again adding props to what a good heel JBL is: he makes people want the good guy to beat him.

The match starts, and Cena starts things off with a snapmare into a headlock, which JBL returns in kind. It’s pretty basic, but again, the match here is second to the plot line as to whether or not Michaels will interfere. Essentially, Bradshaw and Cena could sit down and have tea in the ring, and the camera would still be focused on Michaels looking existentially troubled at ringside. The two in the ring give up on being fancy, and go for the heavy hitting brawling. Honestly, though, that’s the strength of both men, and they do it very well. A brawling match can be good if both men know the timing and when and where to punch, and that’s something Cena does especially well; he knows when to be in peril and when to be on top, and honestly, I think that lends to an interesting match just as much as move variety. But, for the most part, JBL is the one  doing the hitting, as Cena is spending too much time looking at Shawn and wondering if he’ll interfere. While I do think that Michael’s distracts from the match here, he does add something in storytelling, giving the whole thing another factor to consider other than just who will get the pin. Cena rallies back, as he is wont to do, and starts to lay a beating on JBL. Again, I don’t think he gets as many boos as he usually does with this comeback simply because he’s doing it against JBL. Cena gets the STF locked into JBL, but Shawn keeps pushing the ropes closer to Bradshaw so that he might legally break the hold. JBL does get out of the hold, hits the Clothesline from Hell, but Cena still kicks out. We know we’re near the end if we’re breaking out the finishers and kickouts, and sure enough, JBL accidently kicks the ref in the head, and gets taken down by Cena.

And now, the real moment we’ve all been waiting for: the ref is knocked out, and Michaels can interfere. Again, it’s a good story moment, but the rest of the match is worthless as a result, because this is all that matters. Much to the surprise and delight of the crowd, HBK Superkicks JBL. Of course, he then superkicks Cena as well. Oh, Shawn, you can’t have it both ways. He then drags JBL’s unconscious form and drapes the arm over Cena, thus giving him the pin. Of course, he fails to revive the ref, and then leaves the ring and goes backstage. Honestly, he didn’t do a very good job here. Thus, when the ref does finally get there, Cena has had more than enough time to kick out. I’m annoyed by this, because any tension there might have been here is gone due to the lost time from having JBL pin Cena and getting a ref into the match. And then, Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment to Bradshaw and wins. But again, there’s no surprise or tension here, as Shawn has left the ring and thus is no longer able to prevent this from happening; had Michaels still been at ringside, you’d still be left wondering if he would provide another last second upset. The whole match just wasn’t constructed very well: the first two thirds might have just been filler, and the final third, where all the important stuff happens, falls flat. A bit disappointing, considering how good the story was going in.

Our last regular match is the WWE Championship match, now on Smackdown. Our current champ is Jeff Hardy (yeah, those Hardy’s have it real rough, never getting those pushes) and he’s facing Edge. The storyline leading up to this one is interesting. At the Survivor Series of 2008, Jeff was supposed to fight Triple H for the WWE Championship, but was waylaid and found at the bottom of a flight of stairs (I know it’s supposed to insinuate he’s been attacked, but honestly, with Jeff Hardy, he probably just got stoned and passed out). His place in the match was then taken by Edge, recently returned after being sent to Hell by the Undertaker (and /that’s/ a story in and of itself!) who manages to win the Championship. Jeff demands a fair chance, and he gets it at Judgement Day 2008, where he finally gets his first WWE Championship. And there was much rejoicing. Just not from me. Well, that’s fine and well, but then Jeff keeps getting maliciously attacked off screen, with things like the pyro exploding on him, his car getting run off the road, and his house being set on fire and killing his dog. You know, for kids! All fingers, of course, point at Edge, and really, this all is the sort of thing Edge would do, but he denies it all with gusto.

First out comes Jeff, and I forgot how much I hated his stupid face paint. It just looks silly, like Jeff got high and sort of slathered it on… oh wait. Also, that towel hanging out of his back pocket doesn’t make sense. Vickie Guerrero, still being married to Edge at this time, as well as the GM of Smackdown, comes out to do her usual evil thing and announces that the match is now a No Disqualification. Next comes Edge, and God, I miss Edge. I miss the trenchcoat, and the music, and the crazy eyes. He’s also accompanied by Chavo Guerrero (whom I also miss) who has sort of the role of Edge’s lackey at this time. The match starts, and Jeff starts things off with a fury, going after Edge with great speed. It makes sense that he starts this way, given that he’s certain Edge has attempted to murder him, and really wants his revenge. Edge, being a classic sneaky heel, tries to run away, but is chased by Jeff wielding a chair (remember, no DQ). Edge manages to avoid the chair and begins his own assault, only to have Jeff come back yet again. I actually like how Jeff is handling this: there’s not a whole lot of wrestling going on (and there never will be in a Hardy match) but it makes sense with where the character is mentally that he will attack Edge with blind fury, using punches and kicks rather than calm and collected headlocks.

Of course, sooner or later, you need to have Jeff jump around, and he launches himself off the apron onto Edge. The reason I criticize Jeff for his attempts at high flying while I applaud guys like Rey Mysterio and Evan Bourne is that the latter incorporate their  aerial assaults into actual moves, technically savvy in and of themselves, and require a great deal of skill to do. Jeff just kind of falls off things in order to get a cheap reaction from the crowd; there’s not a lot of majesty or design in how Jeff attempts high flying. Edge starts getting his assault in, and I’m actually surprised that it’s a bit slow paced with little crowd reaction. I think it’s because the way the match is going, it’s very much Jeff attacks, then Edge attacks, then Jeff attacks, then Edge attacks, etc., with no real countering or blocking to shake things up. Your pretty much just them take turns laying a beating on the other, rather than seeing them fight. Edge gets sick of this, and being evil, tries to bring in a pair of chairs into the match. The two struggle for a bit to see who will actually get the first shot in with said weapons, until taking the fight outside the ring. Jeff preps the announce table, grabs a ladder, places Edge on said table, and darn well would have jumped on Edge if Chavo hadn’t interfered. For his troubles, Jeff falls on Chavo. Seriously, he does not jump from high places, he just kind of falls.

They eventually get back in the ring, and Edge removes a turnbuckle cover. Jeff avoids running into the corner, hops on the turnbuckle, and falls on  Edge. Seriously, I don’t get what the fangirls see in the Hardys that I don’t. They’re not particularly fluent, they’re not great in the ring, and Jeff looks like a homicidal maniac with that face paint. There is a neat moment where Jeff catches the Spear and turns it into a Twist of Fate, and then falls on Jeff with his patented falling move, the Swanton Bomb, but Vickie, who is evil, pulls the ref’s leg, which naturally stops him from counting  three. Well, with the odds stacked against Jeff, who will come to his aid?

Why, look, it’s Matt Hardy, who brushes Vickie aside and goes to helps his brother by handing him a chair. How decent of him. Even more decent is when Matt smashes a chair over Jeff’s head and lets Edge pin him to win the match and the WWE Championship. Yes, this has been the first of 2009’s STUNNING BETRAYALS! I love how Edge and Vickie celebrate after the match, like it was totally just them who contributed to this win;  two of them just played off one another’s style of villainy so well. Of course, the story is about Matt betraying Jeff, which, if you think about it, makes sense: after all, he’s probably none too happy with his younger screw up brother getting to be Champion while he himself has lost his title shot earlier in the show. Of course, the success of this story being truly masterful is if either brother had the ability to act, and, well, they don’t. It’s a good story (brother vs. brother is always fun), and the idea that you can kind of sympathize with Matt’s motivations gives it a level of intrigue, but the Hardys just are not good at acting, plain and simple.

And now, the main event: the Royal Rumble, which, in this case, Orton is guaranteed to win, emphasized even more so by the fact that prior to the match, Orton is interviewed and told that legal action will be taken against him for his actions against the McMahons, hammering home the fact that he needs to win this or he’ll be fired. Well, at least I can enjoy the 29 other wrestlers in this match.

Our first man in the Royal Rumble is Rey Mysterio, and joining him at #2 is John Morrison, who, at this time, is a heel, part of the Tag Team Champions along with the Miz. It’s odd to remember back when Morrison was heel; with his flashy pants and flashy moves, he just screams “good guy.” The two start off the show by showing off their flipping around, and really, no one does it better. The only thing with the early moments of the Rumble is that there’s not a lot of tension, and you know they’re just waiting for someone else to enter and are just stalling for time. But JoMo and Rey do a good job of teasing eliminations, with both men hanging on for dear life to the ropes. Next man in is Carlito, who fits right in with the flashy flying style of the other two. Damn, I miss Carlito. I think he was a tragically underused commodity, as he had the moves and charm needed to succeed. #4 is MVP, whom I also miss (I’m noticing a trend here). This is right at the start of his face turn, which was built up to with a massive losing streak. Another problem with the early moments of the match is that there’s not enough people to have constant action going, and so it’s usually a matter of having the new guy come in and get his moves in while the others take a breather.

Number 5 is the Great Khali, who is just as boring in 2009 as he is now. I really love how everyone in the ring sells his presence though, as the look on with horror at his presence. I’m watching in horror too, but for different reasons. Khali lumbers about, and I am bored. I wonder how many times I will type that while watching this year… Number 6 is Vladimir Koslov, who is actually very new here, and was pushed at the Iron Russian gimmick, where he’s like a tank. True to form, the first thing he does is eliminate Khali by himself, then proceeds to eliminate MVP and Carlito. He picks a fight with Rey, but Rey is no mid-carder, and manages to put up a fight. Speaking of men who are not mid-carders, #7 is Triple H, who has a stare down with Koslov (I had forgotten they had tried to put Koslov over by feuding with Hunter). The two exchange punches before Triple H singlehandedly eliminates Koslov. Is anyone really surprised that Triple H is able to defeat the tank by himself?

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Randy Orton at #8. Now, in fairness, Orton is a passable heel, mainly because his inability to emote can be played of as evil indifference. He and Triple H slug it out for a bit, before Rey and JoMo decide to remind everyone that they’re in this match too, and speed things up with their flashiness. Damnation, Orton is lost in a ring with those two. I groan audibly at #9, as it’s Cryme Tyme, everyone’s favorite racially and culturally insensitive Tag Team. I’m glad gangster rap has died out. JTG, thankfully, is the only member of team who gets in, and decides to go after Triple H. This is a terrible idea, and he gets nowhere. Come on, JTG, Hunter fights tanks with his fists, and eats dragons for breakfast. What are you going to do? #10 is Ted Dibiase, who is, of course, part of Orton’s posse at this time, known as Legacy. As such, he will be Randy Orton’s bitch for tonight. Thankfully, #11 is an indefinite improvement, with Chris Jericho coming out to the ring to speed things up and kick some ass. And he does so, along with JoMo, to take a surprisingly slow paced Rumble and to get some action kicking up in the ring. Seriously, I don’t suppose I can blame this wholly on orton, but there is just not a lot happening so far since Koslov came and wreaked havoc for his brief spot. Speaking of monsters, #12 is Mike Knox, whom I had forgotten about. Knox is kind of an odd character, who was billed as a monster heel, but never seemed to settle on his character. First he was a wild mind, then a quiet psychotic, then an intellectual, and as such, the audience never knew what to make of him. At this time, though, he’s having a feud with Rey, and of course goes right after him. He doesn’t get very far, but it’s the thought that counts.

#13 is the Miz. Lose any affection and admiration of the Miz that you have at present, because in 2009, he’s really annoying. He’s got the Chick Magnet character, which is essentially just a high school bully, and he’s not in the least bit threatening or credible. Now, remember this, because he’s going to be improving as the year goes on. Orton goes into an RKO fest, hitting it on Miz, Morrison, and JTG before getting Pedigreed by Triple H, who then throws Morrision into Miz and sends them both over the ring top, leading to a neat moment where Rey uses the pair of them as a stepping stool so that his feet don’t touch the ground. #14 is Finlay, who I will never tire of. He’s just classic badass and tough, and goes to work right away. And then, curiously, things slow down again. With this many people in the ring, there should not be the amount of laying around that is going on.  Listen to the crowd: they’re kind of bored. Things don’t get better with #15, Cody Rhodes. Again, forget how much admiration I have for Cody now, because he too is part of Legacy, and just Orton’s minion. Well, with Legacy together, they execute their famous move: stomping. A lot of it. Get used to stomping from the Legacy, because it’s what they do best.

After 90 seconds of stomping, we are relieved by #16: The Undertaker. God, I love how everyone in the ring huddles over to the far side of the ring when he enters. Taker, being awesome, speeds things up by fighting everyone, throwing JTG over the top in the process. I have to say, it’s impressive when possibly the oldest man in this match is pumping the most life into it (it’s funny, because he’s a dead man!). Seriously, from the moment Taker enters, he never stops moving. To increase the awesomeness, #17 is Goldust, who has a really neat moment when he stops and stares down at Cody, and then slaps him (they’re real life brothers). Sadly, Orton hates anyone with more charisma than him, and RKOs Goldust, who is then eliminated by Cody. It’s a neat moment for Cody’s character, and kind of cements him going over to the dark side.

Know what’s weird? CM Punk as a good guy. He comes in at 18, and he too adds to the speed of the match, which seems to be improving greatly. Not to mention he gets to hit Triple H with a GTS. Like I said, it’s weird. #19 is Mark Henry, who, we’ll remember, is boring at this point. Man, how much has changed in two years? Look at Cody, Punk, Henry, and Miz, and you barely even recognize them. Henry breaks things, but sadly, when you hit everyone in the match, they all go down, and thus the action continues to be lessened. He hits Hunter with the Strongest Slam, and I’m surprised with how many finishers Triple H is being hit with. #20 is Shelton Benjamin, and to be a parrot, I miss Shelton Benjamin. His awesomeness is muted slightly. #21 is William Regal, who is feuding with CM Punk, and naturally goes right after him. Mark Henry is eliminated, but I only know this because I see him outside the ring, and have no idea when it happened or who did it. #22 is Kofi Kingston, who is also just starting out. He still hails from Jamaica at this point, a decision I will never quote get. He gets a shot in against Mike Knox, whom I had forgotten was even here, but is silenced. Meanwhile, Undertaker tosses out Shelton Benjamin, in a bit on an anticlimactic exit. The fire jets go off, and here comes Kane at 23. Kane, being Kane, breaks things, and lays a beating on just about everyone.  He and Undertaker have a stare down, and I notice Taker is bleeding from the forehead. The Brothers double-chokeslam Ted for no reason other than being awesome, and then Kane Chokeslams Kofi. Punk drags Regal over the top, and I realize how sporadic the eliminations have been, rather than being storylined. #24 is R-Truth, who is not crazy, and still has that stupid spinning crossbody as his finisher (it wouldn’t do anything!). #25 is…. OMG! OMG! Rob Van Dam! I love how people just stop in a stunned stupor as he appears and instantly cranks up the awesome. I confess, I love the surprise appearances in the Rumble every year, even if they do steal spots from regular wrestlers. #26 is The Brian Kendrick, who I remember for being a tiny man who got a really big push, and blew it because he didn’t listen to the front office’s drug policies. Brian eliminates Kofi, and is then promptly tossed out by Knox (how is Knox still here?). I enjoy watching Punk and RVD throw punches, as it just spells awesome. #27 is Dolph Ziggler, who is also brand new. Man, he’s come far, especially considering his grand total time in this match is 30 seconds before being tossed out by Kane.

28 is Santino, who hustles out and is comedically eliminated in under 1 second by Kane. Oh, Santino. I’m always torn whether I find you funny or a waste of time. I am actually impressed with how much action is going on in the ring now; with the sheer number of people here (not many eliminations) people are allowed to work, and with a lot of the pros in there now, you can have fun trying to spot who’s doing what. #29 is Hacksaw Jim Duggin, the winner of the very first Rumble. He strangley decides to fight the Undertaker, whom he downs. Huh. In fact, Hacksaw is surprisingly spry in this, going to work by throwing punches all over the place. Our last guy at #30 is the Big Show, and we have another “Oh, goddamn,” moment from the people in the ring. Seriously, the expression shot is priceless. Show enters the ring, and just gives the best “I dare you” look to everyone else. Kane obliges, and slaps Show. Well, all thirty men are in, and I love the amount of color and personality is present in the ring. If one person isn’t doing too much, there’s at least three other who are, and thus boredom is prevented. Show eliminates Hacksaw, and then lifts Truth above his head and tosses him out. He keeps trying to toss Punk out, who hangs on to the ropes at least three times, before getting KOd by Show and tumbles out of the ring. I like having the eliminations at the end, fast and furious, as it adds to the drama: these people have gone through so much, and it is only when they’re so close to victory that the fall, rather than having their exits be brief and meaningless. Knox and Rey kind of tumble out in a heap (I’m not really sure how), and then Finlay is chucked out by Kane.

Show and Undertaker have a showdown, but are interrupted by Jericho, who also tosses out RVD. Jericho is so pleased with himself that he doesn’t notice the Undertaker standing behind him, who eliminates Y2J. The Legacy use their combined boredom to get Kane out of the picture.

So we’re down to our final six: Legacy, Undertaker, Triple H, and Big Show. The only thing that ruins this from being truly tense is A) the fact that Orton ‘s win is inevitable,  and B) Cody and Ted are pretty much just here as cannon fodder, and no one believes they’re going to win. Undertaker Chokeslams every Legacy member before having another showdown with Big Show. They exchange punches, which eventually culminates on an apron fight, which I actually really like, as both men could be eliminated, and the tension and suspense is handled very well. But, as usual, Orton ruins things by RKOing Show, who topples over, and then Show, in a move I don’t think is actually legal, drags Taker with him.

And now, it’s Triple H vs. Legacy. Hunter, however, knows that he is the second coming of Thor, and fights gamely (pun!) on. But even he cannot handle the sheer dullness of the Legacy, who stomp on him. Seriously, don’t keep up hopes for the Legacy. They are boring as boring can be. Also, this little facedown they have here really slows down the match. Any momentum that was going on has been utterly stopped by the stomp fest. Triple H manages to toss out Cody and Ted, when, in the greatest shock of the night that no one could have possibly seen coming in any way shape or form because it was so spontaneous, Orton eliminates Triple H from behind, winning the Royal Rumble. What a shock. So, yes, Orton is going to Wrestlemania 25 for his guaranteed title shot, and he and Legacy triumphantly stand in the ring in their unified dullness.

Aside from the ending, this was actually a pretty good Rumble. The moments of inactivity early on were made up for by the later sections in which the action was fast and furious, and the drama of the eliminations I thought was handled very well. The amount of screen time that most people got before they were eliminated was nicely handled, and the choices for who was in the match were good. Very enjoyable.

For the whole Pay Per View, I think it was pretty solid, though not magnificent. The women’s match was exceptional, the ECW and WWE Title matches were decent if not spectacular, and the World Heavyweight Championship match was more about the ending then the match, and really, you could have waited until the next night’s Raw to find out what happened.

Damn, I hate Randy Orton.