Game: On

So, to recap Raw's Road to Wrestlemania: Mediocre, Bad, Great, Good, Boring. How will it's final attempt fare?  

We open the show with CM Punk sitting in the ring, smiling at the mixed reception he’s receiving from the Chicago crowd, who doesn’t know if they should cheer their hometown guy or boo him. Punk says he doesn’t really care, because all he’s concerned about right now is Randy Orton. He claims that all of Orton’s deeds thus far are pointless, because after his last attack on Orton last week, his wife now sees what Randy really is, as he laid on the concrete in an impotent lump. Good move Punk: always go for the family line. Nothing gets to people more than attacks on loved ones. Punk goes to leave the ring, but alas, Randy’s music starts playing. True enough, Orton comes out of the back, but his knee is bandaged, and he’s limping. Punk is grinning like a wolf, attacking Orton once he finally gets into the ring. Unfortunately for Punk, most of Orton’s four moves don’t really need his knees, and so he executes the mid-ring DDT. However, give credit to Orton, he does keep in injured character by falling as he goes for the punt. Punk catches on (does anyone grin maliciously half as well as Punk?) and starts assaulting the leg, finishing with a GTS.

I have to say that I enjoyed when Punk criticized the people who were cheering him, commenting that he could snap his fingers and any one of them would fetch him a coffee like a sheep. The heels always attack the good-guy fans, but rarely do they attack the smarks (heel fans), and I like that Punk branched out. He’s trying to sever ties with a devoted fan base in order to secure his status as a bad guy, and I personally appreciate the effort. If you read my blog on JBL's return a few weeks ago, I comment how heels are too likable now and get too many cheers for being evil. Punk tries to avoid this, and I think it's great.

Our first real match of the night is Edge and Christian versus Alberto Del Rio and Brodus Clay. Why are they having a match when it was made quite plain on Smackdown that Del Rio and Edge weren’t allowed to touch one another until Wrestlemania? We are told it’s because that rule only applies on Smackdown, and as this is Raw, all bets are off. Thus the entire plot point introduced last Friday is pointless. Good work, Raw. Things start off with Edge and Christian doing their classic Tag Team stuff against Clay, who, like a good minion, is taking his beating like a trooper. However, Del Rio gets in the ring, and starts to go to work against Christian. I’m not certain how I feel about Del Rio having a minion. It fits his character, being a millionaire and all, but we’ve seen that he is quite capable on his own, and I feel stronger as such. Anyways, the match shifts again, and Edge spears Clay, while unbeknownst to him, Del Rio has Christian in the Arm Bar at ringside. Edge chases him off, but Del Rio returns and does the same to Edge. This would all have a lot more bearing if it hadn't screwed with the dramatic twist introduced last week.

I notice that Cole’s monitor now has decals of his face. Very nice.

Backstage, Alex Riley and the Miz have managed to hang the WWE logo upside down at the photo-op area. How long did that take, guys?

The Evil Lappy GM bleeps, and King begs Cole to come out and read it. However, Cole smirks, he is now receiving the emails from within his box. It seems the laptop wants to know if Lawler is in any condition to fight at Wrestlemania, and so he will be having match against Jack Swagger tonight.

Why, look! It’s the Corre! I have a question: are any of Raw’s superstars in the building tonight? Apparently not, because Big Show and Kane come out to face them, along with Santino and Koslov. It is indeed made official that the Corre will face these other four men in a tag match at Wrestlemania. But tonight, it is to be Santino versus Gabriel. The match itself is nothing special, given that it’s a man with one move versus the comic relief. What happens outside the ring is of interest and amusement to me. The Corre finally have the tables turned on them as the Big Show, Kane, and Koslov each start beating down the newcomers. Of course, it’s not completely an ironic twist of fate, because the three don’t proceed to stomp on the Corre for five minutes. Now /that/ would let them know the agony they’ve inflicted on us for the last four months (ten, if you count the Nexus). Actually, thinking about it, Santino isn’t really needed in this mini-faction. Seriously, just having three of the largest, most intimidating men in the WWE would probably do the job. Santino wins the match, and commences with his usual pantomime trombone routine. Koslov joins in, being a good tag team member, and Big Show is so jovial that he joins in too. This leaves Kane, who looks utterly dumbfounded as to what’s going on. We all wait for him to start chokeslamming people... when, oddly, he adopts the trombone too. Now, while this is a very out of character thing for Kane to do, given that he’s completely insane and borderline homicidal (he did kill the Undertaker, after all... Oh, wait, no he didn’t), it’s not like it murders his aura. This isn’t the first time Kane has dropped character and done something funny: remember when he did that backstage segment with the Rock and Hulk Hogan and stole their catchphrases? Even when he was with RVD, he seemed a little lighter. So long as this doesn’t become a thing, I thought Kane’s moment of comedy was actually well done.

Finally, after much bitching and moaning by my self, we get a promo with the Undertaker and Triple H in the same ring together. Remember why this was such a big issue to me? How I knew that these two guys were much better than what they've been showing thus far? How I needed more emotional investment? How there needed to be more one-upmanship? How Triple H needed to pull up the slack?

Oh, God, yes. All this and more.

Seriously, I've been out of touch with this match up for five weeks, and in one episode, I was made to not only care about it, but look forward to it with gusto. This was a perfect promo, maybe one of the best I've ever seen, especially considering that the two are building off of nothing. I said that Undertaker and Triple H are the two of the best all times because of their abilities to build interesting storylines, and this bit displayed that perfectly.

It starts off with the Undertaker entering to his usual music, only to be interrupted halfway through by Triple H's music. Then, when Hunter goes for his usual water-spit, he's interrupted by the Undertaker's bell toll. Beautiful. Without even saying a word, we've already had so much happen: the two are trying to out-show one another with just the /music/, never mind the match. If they care this much about duelling their entrances, imagine how they'll act in the ring? I also love how pissed off Taker looks when his entrance is interrupted, and his look of satisfaction when he does the same to Triple H.

Then, oddly enough, Shawn Michaels interrupts everything by a sudden appearance. Michaels can make anything funny: he seems completely oblivious to the fact that he's walked in on the two other men, and poses down to the crowd while Triple H and Undertaker just glare at him. Finally, HBK catches on, and apologizes. They didn't think, he says, that he'd miss out on this? Much as he has for the last month, Shawn tells the audience why this match is big and the accolades of those involved. Only without the floating head this time. Having done the usual preamble, Shawn points at the Undertaker, and asks why the Hell he thinks...

And then, Shawn directs his point to Hunter. "...that you can do what I couldn't?" And just like that, the mood of the segment has altered. Shawn is no longer out here just for laughs: he's confronting his best friend on the grounds of pride. And, when you think about it, Michaels nearly went insane last year during his build-up to his match with the Undertaker, so it stands to reason he should resent that anyone thinks they could have done a better job than him. Hunter takes a deep breath, and, trying to put it as tactfully as possible, tells Shawn that he had gotten soft, that Shawn had never had to win at Wrestlemania in order to steal the show (which is totally true. Shawn's win/loss record at Wrestlemania is questionable, yet his matches are nearly always the best). Such is not the case for Triple H, who needs to win, and more importantly, can drop all moral standards in order to do so. Hunter than addresses the Undertaker, and tells him just how much he respects the Deadman. But, in a sort of roundabout way, he gets to the point that sometimes, stars need to be told when the time has come to step down and retire. Then, looking Undertaker in the eye, he tells him that it's time. That's right, Triple H just called the Undertaker old. That he couldn't bring his A-game. That he was washed up. How much of a bigger verbal slap in the face can you give? I love the mix of cheers and boos  that Hunter is earning: he's understood that the crowd is divided on who they want to win, and as such, is trying to be both a heel and face simultaneously. And the insult to the Undertaker's ability is such a bigger draw than just an issue of respectability: for the first time, Triple H sounds like he wants to beat the Undertaker, that he can break the streak, that he's that much better. Thank you, Triple H, I knew you could do it.

The Undertaker responds by saying that if there ever came a time where he needed to be put down, he would love Triple H to be the man to do the deed. But, he asserts, /this is not that time./ Throughout this build-up over the last few months, Undertaker has made it work by telling us that he has no worries about losing, because he's still as powerful and god-like as before. Undertaker then does as Triple H did, and earns himself a few boos, just to split the emotion of the fan base even further (which is brilliant. Conflicted emotions equals greater interest!). He decides to use Shawn Michaels as an example, and how he, like Triple H, though he could defeat the Undertaker, and that you could see that confidence in his eyes. But now, all that is in Shawn's eyes is apprehension, doubt, and the knowledge that he ultimately failed. Michaels is good at showing his silent anger in this part, looking like a man ready to explode. And so, says the Undertaker, Triple H will end up like Shawn Michaels did in the end: just another number. That's a stinger: saying that all of this guys power and abilities will simply be devolved to a negative statistic to simply feed the beast that is the Streak.

HBK cracks, and tries to Superkick Taker... who blocks it, shaking his head condescendingly at Michaels. That says so much: that Shawn, quite simply, is no longer capable of even testing the Undertaker, thus cementing his shattered pride, while also telling Triple H that after he too falls, he will also never be able to bring the same kind of power as he does now. Again, to Michaels' credit, he looks devastated that he couldn't kick Taker. Triple H goes face to face with Undertaker, and demands that Shawn tells Undertaker just why Triple H is going to beat him at Wrestlemania. Both he, and the audience, obviously expect a classic DX style hype. But Shawn is silent. Hunter waits and waits, starts to break his stare with the Undertaker to try and see what the heck is going on, and looks positively stunned to see Michaels unable to tell Triple H that he's going to win. HBK, in shame, leaves the ring, leaving Triple H shocked. Undertaker watches all of this, then, with a cocky little smile, tips his hat to Triple H, and exits with all of his mystique in tact, whilst Hunter seems almost broken in the ring.

This. Was. Awesome. The segment went through almost a three act structure, with the comedic beginning, to the intimidation and counter in the middle, to the almost tragic ending, with all moods being transitioned smoothly and believably. Triple H finally acts like this match means something to him, and now even more so, as he has seen what losing such a match has done to his best friend, and making the necessity to win all the greater. Undertake comes across as confident, almost cocky, which I love: the Undertaker /should/ be cocky. He's the damn /Undertaker!/ He knows that he's great and undefeatable, and thus you feel that the Streak means so much more than just a random storyline. Michaels, even without being in the show anymore, added droves to his character by seeing how much he's fallen since we last saw him, and how it still eats him up inside (expect interference at Wrestlemania, given that it's No Holds Barred). The match now has an emotional factor, mental intrigue, the characters are invested, I'm invested, and damn, this was a great segment!

Oh, right, the rest of the show.

The next match is the afore-mentioned Swagger versus Lawler. I have to say, I liked how they decided to go with this one. I was expecting another Swagger squash match, but Lawler doesn't even bother with that and just goes after Swagger with a chair. Sure, he gets disqualified, but it shows that King's had enough: he's spent five weeks getting taunted, and he's ready to beat some heads. Really, Jerry hasn't had the same level of character building in this story that Cole has, so to have this bit where we get to see him vent some frustration really helps let us know where his mindset is at. After his beat down of Swagger, King tries to go after Cole, who is hiding inside of his box. Security eventually takes Lawler away, and as they do so, Cole throws his drink in Jerry's face. I cannot wait to see King beat the hell out of Cole. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been more geared up for a throwaway match!

We now get a tag match between Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler vs. Daniel Bryan and John Morrison. This is a pretty good match. Nothing to write home about. I wish that this time had been used to build some more intrigue between these guys matches at Wrestlemania, but I'll take a good wrestling match instead.

Backstage, Orton tells us that we shouldn't be concerned if he makes it to Wrestlemania: we should be concerned if Punk makes it out. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

More Snooki bits, don't care, moving on.

Actually, I feel that I should address something. It's obvious that I don't care for Snooki, and that I find her inclusion at Wrestlemania to be generally insulting. However, it's been pointed out to me, and I agree, that celebrity appearances at Wrestlemania, and their involvement in matches, is nothing new. We had it at the first one with Mr. T, and we've had them in nearly every Wrestlemania since. They're included in order to draw in some crowds that wouldn't order the event otherwise, and try and crank up the revenue potential. Obviously, this sacrifices some integrity and is a bit of a snub to the real wrestlers, but as Wrestlemania is the biggest investment of the WWE, they are obligated to keep in mind the funds they garner with such a sceptical. As such, with Jersey Shore being of considerable popularity, it makes sense to include Snooki to try and draw in a demographic into Wrestlemania, and perhaps, after luring their interest, keeping them. I think the primary outrage that this particular inclusion of a celebrity is the fact that it's Snooki, and she represents most everything I hate about popular culture, she can't act, she's annoying, and Jersey Shore is a terrible show. Most wresting fans agree. Still, keep in mind that her inclusion within Wrestlemania is going to be limited to a single match in a four hour event, and chances are her actual time within the match is going to be under five minutes. It sucks, it's annoying, but it's not the end of the world.

 Finally, we get the face off we've all been waiting for: Rock and Cena in the same ring. Rock comes out first, and I have to say, isn't quite on the ball with this one. He does some general motivational speech bits, and of course it's good, but it kind of takes away the momentum of the segment, and as we were all hoping for another verbal castration of Cena, this kind of goes amiss. Cena comes out, and says that all this time, he's been trying to figure out what the Rock's problem is with him. He goes through the list (the color purple, rap, audience, etc), and claims that these are all trivial problems, and that the Rock has been wasting his time. I have to say, the thing I've always loved about Cena is how down to Earth and self aware he is. He's more than aware he's not going to get the Chicago crowd to cheer him over the Rock, and doesn't try, so we get more of a serious version of Cena than we usually do when he's trying to pump up the arena. Rock and Cena face one another...

...When who else should come out but the Miz! The Miz will always be lost in a ring with Cena and Rock (who wouldn't be?), but he gets a couple of good barbs in. He says that he doesn't mind facing Cena at Wrestlemania, because at least John's always ready for a fight... unlike the Rock. Miz earns some serious boos here, and rightfully so. It's funny, because two years ago, I never would have bough the idea of Miz actually talking down to the Rock, never mind calling him a coward, but now, it just works so well. The difference is in how the Miz carries himself: he takes himself more seriously, he's no longer just a loud mouthed doofus, his insults are more witty and, well, insulting, and he acts like an actual bad guy rather than an idiot in a fedora. I can safely say that having him stand in the ring with the Rock and Cena feels genuinely /right./ Compare this scene to Wrestlemania 21, when Carlito stood in the ring with Stone Cold and Rowdy Roddy Piper, and looked completely awkward. The illusion is further helped by the fact that the Rock is taking Miz seriously: he's not interrupting, he's not talking down, and he looks utterly outraged (not comically outraged) by the Miz. Surely by now, the Rock seethes, the Miz must know that it doesn't matter what he thinks. I always think it's poignant when a wrestler uses his catchphrase in a menacing fashion, rather then using it to get cheers.

Alex Riley then decks the Rock from behind, and he and the Miz stomp on the Great One while Cena waits outside the ring, watching on. Rock rallies, and tosses Riley over the ropes, then drops the People's Elbow on Miz. He watches the two scurry off, but no sooner does Rock turn around then he is hoisted up by Cena and given the Attitude Adjustment. I love watching the crowd react to seeing this happen: they seem totally beyond belief that such a thing is even possible, and the cheers and boos are just amplified as realization sets in as to what they are seeing. It's not quite on the same level of Rock versus Hogan, but it's up there. Cena glances down at the Rock with satisfaction, as he is the last man standing in the ring out of this rendition of "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly."

This was a good episode, and a great way to go into Wrestlemania. The promos that were needed to be given were provided, and we still got a couple of decent matches to keep the time. Undertaker/Triple H not only clicked, but rocked, the Trio of Miz, Cena, and Rock was well done, the Punk/Orton storyline has reached it's apex in the rise of action. Still wish we could have had more emotional investment in the US Title match, as I suspect it's going to be the surprise match of Wrestlemania, but it's not a big deal. Raw dragged it's quality average for shows back to .500, and heads to the show of shows with its head held high.

It's Only Teenage (Barrett) Wasteland...

Seven days... Wait... Nine days... I hated “The Ring.”

Our show starts off not in the ring, but backstage, with Edge confronting Teddy Long. It seems that Teddy has passed down a ruling that if either Edge or Del Rio so much as touch one another until Wrestlemania, than both of them will be banned from the event. Edge says this is favouritism towards Alberto, as the aristocrat has been allowed to assault Edge for weeks, and now his chances of revenge are lessened. Later in the show, Alberto will complain, because there was so much more he wanted to do to Edge. I like this add on to the plot, especially how much sniping and anger the two have shown towards one another: now the two have to sit there and fume in their bitterness. I only wish that this had been introduced a little earlier in the plot, as having it come up with only two week until Wrestlemania doesn’t really affect the arc as much as it could have if Edge and Alberto were having a time trying to figure out ways around the ruling.

Our first match of the evening is another Wrestlemania Rewind (again, why  weren’t you doing this all through the Road to Wrestlemania? It’s just an odd sort of thing to throw out for a single week’s matches.) between Rey Mysterio and CM Punk. Much like I loved their match at last year’s Wrestlemania, I enjoy this match a great deal. Both guys keep up the momentum, and use a lot of counters and dodges to make the action more interesting, as well as their own moves. If you compare this match, with its technical twists and turns, to a more power-based match, like say Batista vs Cena, you can really get to appreciate how many ways there are to have a good match. Unfortunately for Rey, he’s about to have a bad ending to his good match, as Cody Rhodes appears to assault him. Sticking Rey in one of the corners of the ring, Cody rips off his pant leg to reveal... a metal knee brace! The irony would have been greater if I hadn’t been so concerned about Cody ripping his pants a little too far. Seriously, one stray thread, and things could have gone amiss. Anyways, Cody smashes the brace into Rey’s face, much like what happened to Cody months ago. The money shot in this is right after Rhodes kicks Rey, then gets right up close to investigate his handy work, and then quickly shoots out his hand to block the camera from seeing his face. Cody’s timing in all of this has been impeccable, and you really buy the erratic personality he’s now adopted. This, along with Cole/Lawler, is my favourite surprise of a plotline going into Wrestlemania.

Backstage, we see Christian trying to talk Edge out of accepting his match with Drew McIntyre, as Edge’s arm is clearly injured and he should rest it. Edge says thanks, but no thanks, as he must prove a point that he’s still good to go. So he goes to his match, with his arm still taped up, though there are times that I feel he forgets that it’s injured. He doesn’t hold up both arms when he does his pose on the ramp, in order to show that all is not well, but then when he is posing on the turnbuckle, he does indeed raise both arms. Whoops. Drew enters, and is all smiles. I like the look on the Scotsman’s face: it’s not an exaggerated smile, it’s just a knowing grin, like he can read Edge’s cards and is about to call his bluff. Drew, once again, wins my fan support with his body language. Sadly, the match is relatively short, designed just to show that Edge has game, making Drew tap out with the Edgecator. So it looks like we’re not going anywhere with the Drew/Edge rivalry, then.

Speaking of things not going anywhere: remember when Kelly Kelly was conflicted about Drew, thus giving him character development? Yeah, that’s not happening anymore. Or, if it is, we’re just not talking about it. Because here we have Kelly and Rosa in a Tag Match against LayCool. It’s the same match we’ve seen hundreds of times. Give me Beth Phoenix, Smackdown! The reason that people don`t take the Diva matches seriously is because the serious competitors are not given ample screen time to make the audience become emotionally invested. I know that the general concensus is that the women are to give people something to look at, but that opinion only lingers because that`s how the product is being pushed, when, given time and a sense of seriousness, the women`s division could easily be converted into something else. And there are a good bunch of female wrestlers with the WWE right now who can put on a good match: Beth, Natalya, Melina, Gail Kim, Tamina, and even Eve has gotten better from where she started. So stop running out the fluff and give me quality matches. I know they`re there, and they`re not hard to find.

Speaking of not being able to find quality matches: the Corre! Actually, that`s not true in this case. This week, it`s Wade Barrett competing, and as he`s the only one in the group worth watching, I`m actually excited to see him appear. It seems that our match tonight is for the Intercontinental Championship. Huh! Not certain why this couldn`t wait until Wrestlemania, but whatevs. So Wade and Kofi Kingston square off against one another. Wade still seems a little slow in the ring, but that might just be because he`s in there with the human hummingbird that is Kofi. At least he doesn`t seem totally lost, and the two work well together in the pacing of the match: Kofi speeds things up for a bit, Wade slows it down, creating a nice tempo that doesn`t excess in either flips or punches. I`m torn on the finish of this match: as per usual in a Corre match, one of the gang (Slater, in this case) tries to interfere, and once that happens, you know exactly how the match will turn out, thus killing the suspense. However, the move of having Kofi go for Trouble in Paradise, Wade ducking, catching Kofi on his shoulders, and hitting Wasteland was a really, really good moment. So all is generally forgiven. Wade pins Kofi, and is now the new IC Champion. My first reaction was admittedly disappointment, just because I`m a big Kofi Kingston fan, and to see him go to Wrestlemania without the title is a bit of a slap in the face, especially considering how many quality matches he`s put out over the last year. Still, at least the new Champion is Barrett, who, as I`ve said, is the only interesting member of the Corre. And, in a sense, he`s had it coming, as he`s been one of the few breakout stars who didn`t win a championship in his first few months (as opposed to guys like Sheamus and Drew), and he kind of carried the main Raw plot for about half a year as leader of the Nexus. All in all, I`m happy.

Now we have, as in week two, a reply to Triple H from the Undertaker. And, as in week two, it’s much better than Hunters. The gist is essentially the same as before, but given that nothing has been built on in the plot, and nothing’s really developed, you can’t do a whole lot with promos regarding it. What works with Undertaker’s take, though, is that he emphasizes that he’s not going to lose. Whereas Triple H leads into his promos with an almost lament, and that it will be a tough fight, etc., Undertaker comes out and tells Triple H that he has no idea how accurate the phrase “defeat the Undertaker or die trying” is. See, that right there is what I need in this. Get in one another’s face. Hype your own abilities. Remind the audience that you are both gods and then carry on as such. Don’t remind us that it will be a big ticket match, which we already know; tell us how awesome you are going to be, and how much ass you intend to kick, and how you intend to walk away victorious. Undertaker does this, and does it well. The kicker was: “Triple H, you’re number has been called. And that number... is 19.” Brilliant. He has told us that Triple H is powerful, but rather than dwell on that alone, he’s showing his confidence and intensity. Thank you, Taker.

Next match: Jack Swagger vs. R-Truth. It’s good to see Truth again. Obviously, this is another match designed to get Swagger back into the spotlight, but as a throwaway match, it’s not that bad. It’s got a good back-and-forth feel to it, though Truth flubs a dive out of the ring, catching his foot on the top ring rope. Naturally, Jack wins, Cole rejoices. I’m just happy to be giving Swagger screen time again, so no complaints here.

Time for our Main Event: Christian vs Alberto Del Rio, with Edge and Brodus Clay in their corners, respectively. At this point, I’m not entirely certain where they’re going with the constant Christian push against Del Rio. I had thought that it was gearing for a Triple Threat at Wrestlemania, but surely they would have announced it by now if that were the case. Maybe a plot after Wrestlemania is finished? Anyways, as per usual, this match is great. The thing that has kept Del Rio from earning my usual resentment of newcomers getting pushed to the main event is the fact that his matches are good, he has a character that he plays very well, and carries himself with the confidence of someone who has been at the top for a while. It doesn’t hurt that he’s been paired with guys like Mysterio, Edge, and Christian either. Again, the match is fantastic, and we get moments where Edge has a chance to attack Alberto, and using his power of facial expressions, he has to force himself to resist, settling for attacking Clay instead. Sorry, Clay, that’s what you get when you’re a minion. Just ask Alex Riley.

Christian wins, and as Alberto lays helpless in the ring, Edge crawls up with a steel chair, literally foaming at the mouth (that’s kind of gross, Edge) for a chance to beat Del Rio. I like how Edge hasn’t completely given up on his villainous impulses that he had as a heel, but unlike Orton, he doesn’t act on them as frequently, so the messages are less ambiguous. Christian stops Edge in mid-swing, tells him that he can’t do it... so Christian takes the chair and hits Del Rio for him. Hee. What are friends for?

Thus this week’s Smackdown, and I found it very good. The matches were solid, and the action was consistently kept up. I like Barrett as the new IC champ, the development in Rhodes/Rey plot was a good twist, the Teddy Long ruling was a good element, and Undertaker is singlehandedly saving his Wrestlemania match for me. Very good work, Smackdown.

The Magic Orton Bus

Monday Night Raw starts things off with us being told that we are to be greeted with JR. Naturally, this being wrestling, instead, we get Cole in a black Stetson carrying a bottle of barbeque sauce and a cast on his ankle. He chucks his hat at Lawler, and then, of course, dashes into his box so that nothing can happen to him, as he still taunts King. What a jerk.

Now for a not-fake entrance: Triple H. We’re told,  yet again, that the Undertaker’s streak is in jeopardy. I still won’t believe it until I have a reason to. All right, Hunter, make me care. Give me that promo I know you’re capable of! He reminds us that it’s been twenty years, and that he oft wonders if it’ll be the last time. More musing about how this is the defining moment of his life, and how everyone is looking forward to it. He knows that neither he nor the Undertaker will be the same after, and that if he were to end the Streak, it would mean more than any  of the championships he’s ever won. But he wants the Undertaker to do him a favour: next week, he wants the Undertaker to come to Raw, and stare him down, and tell him that Taker will lose. Because God knows that we can’t do that now, or in the last four weeks. No, we’d rather keep talking about how we /should/ feel, rather than giving us a chance to see it. Also, if this all seemed very familiar, it’s because it’s nearly the same promo we got back in week two. Triple H has done it all/ he wants to fight the Undertaker/ it will be a big deal. There’s nothing new here. They should be slowly building on this plot, or at least adding new elements to it, in order to maintain interest, but that is not happening at all. It assuming that it can get by on the star power in it, but that’s really not good enough in this case.

...And now, for some reason, we have Ted. Huh. He’s here to talk about how, a year ago, he was one of the rising stars in the WWE, and now, he’s an after thought. But, what if, says Ted, he takes out the Cerebral Assassin on live TV? Well, Ted that would mean that you weren’t boring, which we all know to be a lie. Naturally, Hunter responds by punching Ted in the face. But, to Ted’s credit, he gets a couple shots in. Not for long, though, as Triple H soon commences with tossing Ted about ringside, hitting him with the ring steps and beating him with a steel chair. Not happy, Triple H takes Dibiase to the announce table, and Pedigrees him through it. I will never tire of that. It’s just a fun move to watch. Still, it’s a bit of a pity that this is the second time this Road to Wrestlemania that Hunter has buried a younger guy at the beginning of the show. But I’d rather have it be Dibiase than Sheamus, so I walk away happy.

Speaking of which, Sheamus is in the ring after the commercial break, ready to take action against Evan Bourne. I really like both of their shirts. It’s funny seeing Evan stand next to Sheamus, because you realize just how wee Evan is, and how easy it would be for Sheamus to squish him. I am hesitant for a second as Bourne gets a single insiguri in and sets Sheamus up for the Air Bourne, but the Celtic Warrior dodges and gets the Brogue Kick for the win. Well, that was a good five seconds, but I suppose having suffered this same fate himself for the better part of two months, he had it coming. Sheamus has no time to brag, for Daniel Bryan arrives. He tells Sheamus that he’d like he’s rematch at Wrestlemania. Sheamus kicks him in the head. ...So, is that a yes or a no? I think you need to work on your people skills, Sheamus.

We see Orton coming out of his bus. He talks about how great his bus is. How he watched the New Nexus assemble and fall from his bus. What a great bus it is. Oh, and, uh, Orton says things about Punk. Go back to the bus.

A Divas match is next, with Maryse and Eve. Maryse, being Maryse, spends most of her time posing down, until Eve slaps here. Maryse can’t wrestle, but she has such a great character, and acts it very well. Cole interrupts again, telling them to get the match over with, like a total jerk. Seriously, I don’t get this. And why just Eve’s matches? Do they have the hate on her for some reason? Eve tries to finish things with a moonsault, but is blocked. However, she is consoled with a neckbreaker to pick up the win. Give Eve credit, she tries to bust into Cole’s box and slaps Michael, as Cole tries to trash talk her. I guess if Eve wants to get her hands on Cole, she’ll have to... think outside the box!

Oh great, the Corre. Because seeing Orton talk about his bus wasn’t boring enough. Here to battle them is Santino and Koslov. Betcha this match ends with shenanigans. Gabriel kicks, Slater stomps. Frankly, I’m stunned. Koslov gets into the match and commences with battering Slater. Oh, but Barrett makes a distraction and Gabriel does his 450 Splash to win. Wow. I really wish I had been counting how many times I’ve seen this exact same match with that exact same finish. That way, my disappointed could be measured in numbers.

No sooner does the Corre begin their fearsome Corre Stomp then Big Show and Kane appear, ready to kick some ass. Santino and Koslov get back up and get a few blows in. I get happy nostalgia as Show and Kane go for the double Chokeslam on Jackson. Santino tries to shake hands with Kane to show his appreciation. This is probably a terrible idea. I presume this is going to lead to a four on four match at Wrestlemania. I would be happier about this if it wasn’t the Corre.

We have John Cena via satellite. He tells us that the time has passed for breakfast cereal, as next week, he will be face to face with the Rock, and if there is a problem there, then he will solve it. King asks Cena if he’s been underestimating the Miz, to which Cena says: yes. The fact that he’s sitting at home for this has proven that Miz has earned the right to call himself champion. But, he says, if Miz plans on rewriting history, than at Wrestlemania, Cena plans on making history. I’m glad that Cena and Miz have really amped up their one-on-one diatribe with each other, and it’s playing out very well. Cena is regarding Miz  as an actual concern and threat, and Miz is showing that he can take on Cena and thus prove himself to be a good champion.

Cole tells us that our next segment will be another historic interview, which makes me wonder: why was he telling the Diva match to get over and done with if his interview wasn’t until much later anyways? This is really bugging me. It’s a huge middle finger to the women, and is totally unwarranted. More importantly, it doesn’t add anything! Unless Eve is somehow going to become potent later in this story (which I can’t see how), than Cole’s constant belittling of her doesn’t make any sense.

Se we have Jack Swagger and Cole in the ring. First we get a recap of what happened last week, with Brian Christopher and King. Cole laughs at the line “...ashamed of you.” This week, it seems that Michael has the Lawler Family Photo Album. We get photos of King’s dad, while Cole gives commentary about how his father must be thinking Lawler to be a failure. Cole notes that both King and his father have a lot in common: they’re bullies and cowards. That’s more than King can take, and he goes out to the ring. Jack tries to stop him, but Jerry gives him what for, and dashes after a fleeing Cole. Sadly, Swagger clocks him with a clothesline while Michael locks himself back in the box, so that he can taunt from safety. Seriously, Josh, you’re the worst wingman ever.

After the commercial break, Cole apologizes for letting his emotions getting the best of him, but Lawler just keeps pushing his buttons. What a jerk. The Cole/Lawler segment for this week, I felt, didn’t have the same emotional impact as the ones before, mainly because they set the bar for dastardliness last week with the assault on JR, which is hard to top. As such, going back to name calling doesn’t have the same oomph behind it. Still interested, but there wasn’t much intrigue this week.

Here comes Dolph, now toting LayCool and Vickie as his groupies. Morrison, on the other hand, has Trish Stratus. John wins. We watch as the match progresses, and I’m reminded about how much I enjoyed when these two were fighting over the IC Championship a year or two ago. They just work well together, and their matches are entertaining. Sure enough, though, LayCool tries to get involved, sparking more interference from Trish on Morrison’s behalf. Whereupon the Evil Laptop GM (it’s going to need a name one of these days) declares that the match will now be a handicap match with Morrison and Trish vs. Dolph, Team LayCool, and Vickie Guerrero. Well, Raw, that is a good idea. Seriously, I think that could work. Know where this match could have worked better? Wrestlemania. And it could have worked just like this... without damned Snooki! Seriously, she’s not even going to show up to the regular shows, just waltz in, do a few terrible punches, and get the press clippings from it? Generally, I’m against celebrity appearances within actual matches, but I will concede they sometimes work. The Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather match at Wrestlemania 24 was surprisingly good. But I don’t see how Snookie can add anything to this, other than bring in a few spectators from MTV at the expense of the actual wrestling fans.

Anyways, back to the match. It’s pretty good, nothing too terrible. I liked the ending, where Dolph hits the Zig Zag on Morrison, and tags in Vickie so she can get the pin. Why do I not begrudge this to Vickie when I just said having non-wrestler appearances in matches was pointless? Because Vickie’s earned a perk or two. She takes a lot of stuff on the chin, a lot of jibes, and if she can get a win in her throw-away matches every now and again, I will not say no. Now, if Snooki wanted to come out for a few weeks and have jokes thrown at her, maybe we could talk.

Our final match of the evening is between Orton and Rey Mysterio, in what is being billed as a Wrestlemania Rewind from WM22. I would be truly enthralled if they had Kurt Angle in this as well, but that, of course, is impossible. The match is relatively short, and generally pointless. I’d buy the Rewind angle if we had been doing this all along, but it’s obviously just been thrown together and equals no investment from myself. What does matter is when we see CM Punk over the Titantron, next to the pre-mentioned bus, where Orton’s family is chilling out. Punk, being evil, insinuates he’s going to go inside the bus and introduce himself to Orton’s wife. Orton dashes out of the ring, into the parking lot, only to receive a whack from a wrench to the leg from Punk, who informs Randy that his days of kicking people in the head are over. This was a good “Evil Punk” moment, and helped get him back some momentum, as the story had so far been dominated by Orton. Something about it felt lacking, though. I believe it was the timing: if this had happened during a match with anyone but Mysterio, which was being billed as the main event for the evening, I wouldn’t have felt slighted, since I was actually hoping to watch the match and not have it cut short by Punk. I think if it had gone earlier in the show, it might have worked better then interrupting the main event. Personal opinion.

Finally, to wrap up the evening, we see Alex Riley in the ring, who informs us that he has been un-fired (just like how the Undertaker can un-die), and is now in charge of media relations (or something) on behalf of the Miz. Speaking of which, the WWE Champion now enters the ring, telling us that he’s made a habit of turning the world upside down. As such, he’s taken the liberty of altering the WWE Championship belt... by turning the logo upside down so it looks like an M. Uh, right. I think I can see what the Miz was going for here, with the idea of dishonouring the belt in such a fashion to gain heat, but really, it just looks like he’s wearing the thing upside down, which makes him look more like a doofus who got dressed in the dark than a bad guy. The idea was good, but the execution was faulty. It would have been better if he had just made a new logo altogether. John Cena reappears over the Titantron, and echoes my opinions by pointing out how silly a move that was. While John is talking from what appears to be his living room, we see a few people come into the screen and start removing the furniture and backdrops to reveal that John isn’t home at all! He’s right in the arena, and he’s coming to take the Miz out. The timing on this reveal was very well done, especially considering the sombre, chastised Cena we had earlier in the show. So John comes out to the ring, throws a few punches, and, naturally, Miz bails, leaving Alex Riley to take a beating. Oh, Alex. No one takes senseless abuse quite like you. Our show ends with John standing triumphant in the ring, having garnered his first real victory thus far against the Miz.

This episode was, well, kind of boring. It had moments of brilliance, such as Punk playing games with Orton and the bait-and-switch with Cena, but other than that, not a whole lot happened. Triple H still has his needle stuck in a groove, the Cole/Lawler rivalry didn’t really go anywhere new, the main event was really short and pointless, the Corre did what the Corre has done since its introduction, and all together, nothing really happened to up the ante for Wrestlemania. I didn’t throw anything at my screen, but I didn’t really have anything to care about. Raw is now 2 for 5 for leading into Wrestlemania, with one show left to go. Let’s see if they can get even.

"You Complete Me."

Before I actually get to the Smackdown review, there is something that needs addressing. I keep getting told by the promo commercials for Wrestlemania that the Triple H vs Undertaker match is going to be the biggest ever. That the very foundations of the Earth shall crumble under the sheer seismic force exerted from their punches, and the angels shall weep as one of their gods must fall. I would have an easier time buying this if the match was actually pushed, promoted, or acted upon by those involved! Aside from their little stare down at the beginning of March, Taker and Hunter haven’t even been in the same ring together! There’s no emotion there at all:  they haven’t stepped on one another’s feet, there has been no one-upmanship, and, in fact, neither of them have been in action at. They keep telling me that they’re here to put on the biggest match of all time, but so far, they’ve done nothing to make me believe that this is true! Aside from a few stage-setting promos from our two contenders, the only other source of exposition is coming from the floating head of Shawn Michaels providing analysis of the match up. You don’t need to tell me about these two being good. I /know/ they’re good! What I want to see is these two trying to prove to each other how good they are, and how the other doesn’t have a hope in the world of beating him! I bring this up because we went an entire week without an appearance by Triple H or Undertaker to lead up to Wrestlemania. We’re getting down to crunch time, where we desperately need a reason to care about this match, and we don’t even get to see them on the air? Why? Given the performing abilities of both these men, I know that they could be doing so much better than they are now with this rivalry, and yet, the whole thing is as stagnant as swamp water. All this is right now is filler, not a storyline. You have two weeks to get me invested in this thing, WWE, and you’d better pick up the slack, because there’s a lot of room to cover.

Now, on to your regularly scheduled programming.

This episode of Smackdown has a lot of wrestling, with very few talking segments. I’m not inclined to complain, though, in spite of my previous rant about the lack of interaction. Granted, a lot of the matches are shorter in order to pack them all in, but most of them had a point, helped build up the storylines, and generally provided a more action packed show than we’ve seen for a while, which kept me motivated and energized throughout the show.

Our evening of Smackdown opens with Edge vs. Brodus Clay. I noticed that recently, Edge has been going back to a lot of his old entrance mannerisms: first, he brought back the goofy sunglasses, and now he’s taken to squatting on either side of the stage before going down the ramp for the usual rocker pose. I wonder if this is to slight ever further away from the Master Manipulator persona and back to his less crazy days in order to further cement his status as a face. Brodus Clay enters... from behind Alberto Del Rio, who is totally blocking him from the camera. Del Rio, I like you, but blocking bugs me.

The match, much to my surprise, is mostly run by Brodus, while Edge gets a few moves in for every five he takes. I’m not certain if this was intentional, but I think the idea was to let Clay try and show more of his ring-work and try to get him over with the audience in terms of making us care. To his credit, Clay isn’t as lost in the ring as I initially thought: he can keep the pacing up, and while he doesn’t have a huge move set, he doesn’t just throw punches or lurch about. The match still seems slow, but I attribute that to Edge taking more of a beating and not returning in kind. Once Edge does get the upper hand, Alberto tries to interfere, but is stopped once again by Captain Charisma, Christian. Edge Spears Clay and wins, but all the attention is on Christian and Alberto fighting at ringside. I do hope that this leads to a Triple Threat at Wrestlemania, because right now, most of the anger and animosity is between Christian and Del Rio, rather than with Edge. Our fearless GM Teddy Long says that this has gone on long enough, and that the two men need to settle their differences, one on one. And to ensure that the match has no interference, it is to be a Steel Cage match. That’s how I solve all my personal problems too.

We get a backstage scene of Kane and Big Show, getting ready for their Tag Team Title match against Ginger and Mary Ann later in the evening. Show tries to do the impossible and reason with Kane about how they should put aside their differences and work together to take care of the Corre. Whereupon Kane tries to choke Show. Yeah, really should have seen that coming. Show responds in kind, and the two men break their holds. Kane laughs, telling Big Show, “You complete me.” Kane, this is exactly why all of your relationships fail. Tell them that they complete you first, and /then/ try and Chokeslam them. Big Show aptly replies, “You are one crazy man.” Yes, Show. Yes he is. Now have him set Gabriel on fire.

Our next match is a Champion vs. Champion match, with Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston facing off against our new United States Champion, Sheamus. I could help but feel pleased seeing this match happen. I watched both of these guys start out with the WWE, with no real personalities, rusty ring work, and generally boring matches. And now, we have one of the top heels and top faces, who’s styles have evolved to provide entertaining fights, who are both over with the crowd, and are our US and IC Champions. I thought it was poignant. And, true to my previous introspection, this match is pretty darned awesome as well. The two play off one another’s styles very well, with Sheamus providing the power moves and Kofi doing the flipping about. The pacing is exceptional, and there are little to no pauses as the two exchange counters and moves, constantly building up the move sets and keeping the crowd engaged and guessing. They take it outside the ring, but not too long, and giving just enough heavy hitting to provide dramatic effect (like Kofi taking the ring-steps to the knee). Finally, Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick and gets the win. Great match. Could have been a little longer, but for what it was, it was solid. Seriously, Kofi just keeps getting better: if you look at where he was two years ago, and compare those matches to the matches he’s had with Jack Swagger last fall, with Del Rio, and now with Sheamus, the change is noticeable and for the better. I’d love to see him take another crack at a storyline with a main eventer (mostly, I just want to see him kick Orton in the head again).

More adventures with the No-Longer-Dashing Cody Rhodes, who once again has gone to the ring wearing a suit rather than ring wear. I’m still not sold on this. But, he is now also wearing a black towel over his head as he walks to the ring. I assume he got the idea from when Kane first lost his mask. Anyways, he’ll be fighting Trent Baretta, who doesn’t get to do much in this, for Cody will be doing more manic stomping tonight. I did like how he timed the start of the match, though, with his back to Barretta until the bell rang, whereupon he whipped the towel off and then went ballistic. The match is nothing special, and is over quickly. I’m a little disappointed, because Rhodes is pretty good in the ring, which is why I’m really looking forward to his match with Rey, and I had hoped to see more of that leading into Wrestlemania. Still, I know what it is they’re going for, with trying to establish Cody as a psycho, so at least these jobbing matches have a point.

The obligatory women’s match for the evening is Layla and Kelly Kelly. Because why would we want to see anything other than the same match over and over again? Seriously, I want a Beth Phoenix match. Or anyone else other than LayCool and Kelly Kelly. The match is over quickly and efficiently, with Layla winning and me still not caring. The only highlight here was Michelle on commentary slamming Snooki and earning a few chuckles from me.

In a great moment of transition, we go from a mediocre match to the Corre! The irony is just staggering. We have Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater defending their Tag Team titles against the Big Show and Kane. This match will highlight every single problem I have with the Corre, and specifically with Slater and Gabriel. The match consists entirely of Kane and Show carrying the other two, who get in one or two chop-blocks to the giant men’s legs and pretending that this is devastating. Which it might be, if they actually tried to do anything other than chop-blocks or leg shots. But that’s all we get, because that’s all either man can do. They don’t try anything else, they don’t expand upon this limited move set, they just do the same thing over and over again. As such, any real action is provided by their opponents. I wouldn’t be too critical of this, as it can be hard to have a diverse match with guys like the Big Show simply due to their size, but the fact is that this has been going on for /all/ of Slater/Gabriel’s matches. They do jack, their opponents do everything, and I remain un-entertained. Furthermore, once Big Show actually provides some momentum to this match, we have Gabriel getting their team disqualified. Gee, a Corre/Nexus match that ended in disqualification! God knows I’ve never seen that before. Otherwise, they’d have actually have to wrestle and put on a good match with a satisfying ending, and that would rupture the laws of nature, casting us all into a black abyss! Further, we then have the appearance of Barrett and Jackson to do the actual dirty work. I am extremely impressed by Barrett, who manages to give Big Show the Wasteland. Also, he and Jackson managed to flapjack Show through the announce table. Which makes me ask, if all the interesting things with this rivalry can be done with Barrett, why isn’t he the one with one of the Tag Belts? He’s the only one in the Corre with a personality, the only one with an expanded skill set, the only one who’s managed to put on a match that I’d consider enjoyable, and the only one who actually deserves to be on the show! Stop wasting my time with the mediocre members and give me the exceptional one!

Cole tells us that these four men have made a statement here tonight. Yes they have. Unfortunately, I doubt it’s the statement that was intended.

Next match: Jack Swagger and Chris Masters. This is another short one, designed primarily to get Swagger back in the eye of the audience to set up for his being in Cole’s corner at Wrestlemania. There’s not really a lot to say about this one, other than I’m happy to see Swagger win again, even if it is to build for something where he doesn’t really have anything on the line. He kind of got left at the wayside after his Heavyweight Champion run last summer, and this run will help put some wind back in his sails.

Another match, this time with Rey Mysterio and Ted Dibiase. Oh, Ted. Remember when you were the one who was going to come out of Legacy and get the big push? And now not only is Cody the one going to Wrestlemania with a storyline of his very own, you get to wrestle on a show that’s not even yours to set up his match. All because you’re boring. I do feel a little bad for Ted, because so much was expected of him, but his total lack of a personality and emotion has just killed any interest that people might have had for him. Sorry, Ted, but “being rich” is no longer a plot point compelling enough to make me take you seriously. Take a tip from Cody, and tweak your primer gimmick to make it more deep. Anyways, the match is decent, if short, with Rey picking up the win.

And now, main event time, with Alberto Del Rio and Christian in a Steel Cage. And damn, this was a great match. It used the cage atmosphere for everything it was worth in terms of story-telling potential. Highlights were definitely when Del Rio was trying to suplex Christian off the top rope while Christian was holding onto the cage wall for dear life. The tension in a moment like that, where you aren’t certain who’s going to win out, is what makes a match like this worth it. There were several near escapes which kept you guessing, like when Christian succeeded in hitting the Kill Switch, only to have Del Rio kick out at two. I also enjoyed watching Del Rio try and toss Christian into the wall like a javelin, as I’m easily amused like that. The ending was special as well, taking what seemed like a surefire win for Del Rio as he climbed over the top of the cage, complicated it with Christian catching up to him, and then hooking Alberto’s arm in one of the links to permit Christian to drop to the floor for the win. I’m not certain that the arm-hooking was explicit enough, as I missed it happening entirely until I saw Del Rio just hanging there after Christian had already escaped, but whatever.

Naturally, Del Rio is none too happy about this, and is about to tear Christian a new one when we here Edge, sitting inside one of Del Rio’s cars, which he keeps at ringside (really, if you can’t even be bothered to lock the doors, Alberto, you’re begging for this sort of thing to happen). Edge teases with us, insinuating that he’d really, really like to damage the vehicle, while Del Rio pleads for him not to. The suspense is well kept, especially when Edge is about to take a chair to the sides of the car, when Brodus Clay comes out and stops the potential vandal (and hopefully earning himself a raise from his mentor). With his car no longer in peril, Del Rio dashes over and teaches Edge to try and mess with his stuff like that. Our show ends with Edge in a heap, and Del Rio glowering over him (also as an aside: Del Rio didn’t enter with his trademark grin tonight).

This was a decent show. A lot of matches, a lot of action. There were a few too many short, predictable matches for my liking, such as Cody vs. Barretta and Swagger vs. Masters, but they didn’t kill the momentum. Highlights included the Kofi vs. Sheamus match and the Cage Match in the main event. Also, given that they keep giving Christian the nod over Del Rio, I really don’t know if they are considering expanding the Wrestlemania match, or if they’re saving this for a rivalry afterwards. The only problem I had with the lack of promo time was that we didn’t really get to expand upon our plotlines other than what we already knew, but as the plots are pretty solid already, I’m not too concerned. See, unlike with the Undertaker vs. Triple H match, most of the Smackdown plots for Wrestlemania are already expanded on in intensity, motivation, and interest, so there isn’t too terribly much more work they have to do with them to get me invested. With two weeks to go, I can expect good things coming out for the blue brand.

What's a Snooki?

In spite of my dread of any episode which had the words "Guest star Snooki" in it, Raw was a pleasant surprise in quality this time around.

We open the show with the Rock, via Titantron, talking to President Obama over the phone, having a jovial discussion about John Cena’s reply last Monday. You know what? I would not be surprised if this conversation happens on a regular basis. Rock brushes off that no one found Cena entertaining, until, shockingly, Cena’s music starts playing. The Great One looks put out, rises, and asks what on Earth John is doing in his house. Whereupon we are greeted with... a six year old dressed as Cena. This could have flopped, but the Rock, being the Rock, pulls it out and makes it great. He sits little Cena down, and tries to break the news gently that Cena will never be as good as the Great One. The reason... well... he’s just not that talented. Having it written down, this segment loses a lot, but the way the Rock owns this bit with his acting is pretty spot-on. He gives the impression of trying to be genuinely concerned about breaking the news as tastefully as possible, and minding his words carefully, all while verbally maiming John Cena. In other words, its classic Rock. I’m almost inclined to forgive these segments with him and Cena for sidetracking the main plot. To cheer up the talentless young rapper, Rock offers him a box of Fruity Pebbles, which, if he eats, he can one day hope that he can be as awesome as the Rock. I wonder if Fruity Pebbles even knows why they must be earning so much more revenue over the last few weeks...

Sending the now pleased Young Cena away, Rock puts on his serious face. That right there is why I love both Cena and the Rock on the mic: their ability to make me die laughing one minute and then tremble in fear and apprehension the next is flawless in its transition, believable in its execution, and helps bring the entertainment of the oft comic-like world of wrestling into a real drama. This time, he’s addressing the Miz, and I’m happy that he’s using his serious face for this, as it helps reinforce the Miz as a legitimate threat and contender, just as Cena did on Friday. Rock comments that the Miz crossed the line when he talked about the Rock’s family, treating them with disrespect, and worse then that, he dared to whip out the  People’s Elbow, and that is just unacceptable. Well, says the Rock, the Miz had better just watch out, or he’ll just have to whip his candy ass. Honestly? It’s something of an honor to be told that the Rock wants to beat you up. I mean, he’s the damn Rock! He’s only going to take time to hit you if you’re worth it. And that’s why this segment works so well to address all the problems I had earlier in the month.

We have a shot of Trish Stratus standing next to Snooki. The juxtaposition is jarring: one of the most integral and important women in WWE history standing next to one of the most useless women in television history. I don’t think I need to say much more than that. The scene speaks for itself.

Cole has built himself a pexi-glass box from which he will announce from for the evening, so that he is safe from attack. I am amused.

Right after the Rock, we get the Miz, who looks bemused that people are booing him. The Miz’s goal is to see how many boos he can earn in the next five minutes, and does a decent job of it. Every line he delivers is designed to get a reaction, starting with asking the people if they’re done making noise. Smiling, the Miz points out that neither Rocky’s father or grandfather were ever WWE Champion, so naturally, he’s better then him. He will make Rock cry like the six year old in the promo. The Rock talks about how he can beat Cena, the Miz has actually done it. And should the Rock actually show, the Miz promises that he will take care of him as well. I don't think its the Miz's best work, as he seems a bit unconcerned as he delivers it; I assume this is to show confidence, but I was hoping for more of the Miz's usual chip-on-the-shoulder attitude.

The evil Laptop GM rings that it has a message. Cole ventures out of his safety box, but is cut off by the pass by King, who sends Cole back to his cage. Lawler goes over to the lappy, and informs us that we will be having two matches tonight, one of which being Cena will face Alberto Del Rio. The Miz asks who he will face, as he’s beaten every one. Well, says King, not /everyone./ There’s one man who the Miz has never faced. Everyone in the crowd is one their feet for what surely must be a match with...

...The Great Khali.

I am grossly underwhelmed.

Khali lurches about, is generally un-entertaining, but that’s nothing new. Miz looks to be in a bind, but we get the return of Alex Riley, who comes to save the day. And by save the day, I mean he takes a beating. But then the Miz returns to hit the Great Khali with a chair, thus emphasizing he is evil. Sadly, this only works if the person being beaten with the chair is someone I don’t want to see beaten with a chair. No heat is gained here, only gross satisfaction, so we don’t even get that. If it had been Evan Bourne, it would have been shocking and villain worthy, but alas. Also, as are most Khali matches, it was short, consisted of Khali getting in a few power moves before having the opponent be disqualified, and was altogether pointless. However, the Miz does manage to cut Khali’s back open, which I assume wasn’t supposed to happen, but again, it’s the Great Khali, and I just don’t care.

Holy cow, it’s John Morrison! I’ve been wondering where he had gone. Finally, we can see the Shaman of Sexy, the master of the amazing, the guy who puts on one of the best shows in the ring.... talking to Snooki. Damn your eyes, Raw... Vickie arrives to bitch out Snooki, and provide commentary for the thoughts of all the fans watching when she tells Snooki how irritating it is to watch her prance around like she matters. Yes, this is one of the few times Vickie will be getting cheered universally.

Time for the US Championship match, and to see how the screwing over of Sheamus shall finalize. As was announced last week, if Sheamus loses this match, he will quit. I think the threat of firing or quitting is being watered down a lot in recent months. We’ve had Kelly fired, Dolph fired, Edge fired, Vickie fired, all to reappear in short order. We all know that no that no retirement is forever in wrestling, but it’s still an important enough plot device that having it be nulled in threatening value by sheer over exposure does no one any favours. The start of the match is pretty decent, with Sheamus looking like he’s trying pretty hard, and Daniel Bryan doing what he does best in lieu of a personality, IE wrestle a good match. I don’t get the feeling of desperation as much as I think a match indicating potential firing should. Still, Sheamus does his usual brute-fighting, which can be interpreted as angry and eager. Sheamus tumbles out of the ring, and dekes his knee again. He limps about, but it turns out he was faking, then goes for the Brogue Kick, misses. Bryan tries to get in the LaBell Lock, but Sheamus gets to the ropes. Sheamus tries to use the Celtic Cross, but Bryan rolls him up. The finish of the match is great: Bryan tries to jump off the turnbuckle, but Sheamus gets the Brogue Kick in midair, catching Bryan in the head and downing him for the win.

That match almost makes up for the Sheamus rape of the last few months. There were twists, turns, I was kept guessing, there were moments where you didn’t know how it was going to end. The ending was brilliant, and I assume this is going to lead into a rematch at Wrestlemania. And, in retrospect, the losing streak up to this point helped the suspense, because you were so certain that the booking staff was determined to screw Sheamus over that you thought every near fall by Bryan was going to be the nail in the coffin. I still want the time spent on Sheamus jobbing back and used for bigger and better things, but in the end, good move, Raw, good move.

Michael Cole is in the ring now, with another exclusive interview, designed to expose King for the man he really is. He tells the audience that the minor setback with Stone Cold last week was an inconvenience, and that he's going to beat King regardless. Cole’s guest is the biological son of Jerry, Bryan Christopher, IE, Grand Master Sexay, for those unfortunate enough to remember the 90s. I will confess that until this point, I wasn’t aware of the connection between these two. I feel like I’ve failed as a fan for not knowing every conceivable trivia question of wrestling... Cole welcomes back Bryan, and points out the Christopher has never used the name “Lawler.” Bryan responds that he never felt like he had a father to begin with, and that he’s been neglected all his life. He accuses Jerry of not wanting anyone involved in his spotlight, and that even when he made it in the WWE, he still didn’t get the acknowledgement he deserved. Jerry says he’s glad that Bryan didn’t use the Lawler name, because he’s a bigger screw up than Charlie Sheen. Ouch. I don’t think King gained sympathy points on that one. There would have been more face value had King just remained stoic, I feel. Bryan counters by pointing out that at least /he/ competed at Wrestlemania. He slaps King about, demanding a response, and says that ultimately, he didn’t use the Lawler name, because he’s ashamed of his father.

Cole jumps all over this, proclaiming King a coward, running him into the ground... when a familiar drumbeat theme of an Oklahoma university plays.

Great Scot, here comes good ol’ JR. I can’t handle all these returns, WWE! I keep jumping up and hurting my knees! JR, in his true classy style, asks Cole if he doesn’t think this has gone on long enough? This has gone too far. Cole is furious, reminding Jim that /he/ is the voice of the WWE now, and JR should just go away. JR points out that the real voice of the WWE are the fans. Damn, JR could tell me that jumping in lava was a good idea, and still make it sound sage and a good idea. The man just has that kind of reassuring voice that makes you believe everything he says. Ultimately, JR calls Cole a rat bastard. Boy, we’re really flipping off the PG rating for the road to Wrestlemania, aren’t we?  JR goes to leave, Cole makes a comment about him scurrying away with his tail between his legs. Whereupon Jim stops, turns around, and takes off his suit jacket, gearing up for business (he doesn’t take off his glasses, which hurts the effect). But before fisticuffs can commence, Swagger appears from the crowd and accosts Lawler, then turns his attention to fellow Oklahoman Jim Ross. No, Jack, don’t do it! The love of the Schooners compels you... yeah, he kicks JR in the gut and puts him in the Ankle Lock, while Cole lambasts him. King gets back up, tries to save JR, but doesn’t fare much better. Then Cole, finally taking the initiative, applies the Ankle Lock himself to JR, and making him yell out in pain.

Seriously, this is a great storyline. Who hurts JR? It’s like punching out a nun carrying a puppy: it’s just a dick move. It’s taking one of the most beloved figures in WWE history, slapping him around, and then making him yell in pain. That, coupled with everything else Cole has been up to as of late, along with the personal attack on Lawler’s family life earlier, earns Michael Cole the proud owner of the Ultimate Bad Guy on either show right now. It makes me a bit sad to award this to an announcer and not a wrestler, but hell, this story has constantly grown and grown in its intensity, seriousness, and compelling episodic nature. Cole has become more deranged, more manic, more evil, toned down the annoying and cranked up the vile, despicable, little rat that he’s acting like. Brilliant. This is what the plots should be like going into Wrestlemania: things go from interesting, to compelling, to intense, to “Holy Hell, he just hurt Good Ol’ JR! What a dick!”

It occurs to me that Josh Matthews totally sold out his fellow announcers by just sitting behind the desk. Way to fail the team, Josh.

We now go to the story that wishes it could be what we just saw: Randy Orton and the Nexus. And by Nexus, I mean Punk and Mason Ryan.  We get a glimpse of Orton’s family in the crowd, and I am literally surprised to see a happy child and smiling wife. I was expecting more glowers, insane glints, and a lot less... pink. Huh. Well, Mason is the last man standing, and if Punk is going to have any allies at all, he must win. I notice that Mason was the last guy in the Nexus ship, and is now the last one in it. Good effort, Otunga, good effort. Now, I must confess, I wrote off Mason Ryan as another dull “Look, I’m big” wrestler ala Batista, with little in ring ability. But, color me surprised, he’s impressing me. He had a good match with Truth a few weeks back, and shows more moves now against Orton, indicating he’s not a complete one-trick pony. Granted, they’re all power moves, but they’re good power moves. Still not a huge fan, but not totally against it. But, once again, everything Ryan does is pointless, because Orton absorbs hits, then gets in a single RKO and wins. Damnit, Orton, this is precisely why you continue to piss me off. You used to be entertaining in the ring! You used to sell moves! You used to /have/ moves! Now you just waste time until the RKO and then earn a paycheck. I’m not satisfied, and I’m not entertained. Go watch your match with Edge for the Intercontinental Championship back when you were in Evolution and try to rediscover your inner abilities.

And then he kills Mason Ryan. If only you were still a Legend Killer, Randy...

Cole reminds the crowd that what he did to Jim Ross earlier was a real slobberknocker. Don’t you just wanna reach out and deck the guy?

Zack Ryder comes out of nowhere to hit on Snooki. This is funny, only because Zack Ryder is awesome, and he totally would.

Snooki comes out to try and pump up the crowd, and is booed. Good work, St. Louis. Snooki sounds genuinely fake in her attempt to claim she’s excited to be here. Anyways, the match we have here is a match between Vickie and Trish Stratus, in which Vickie is fighting for employment. You’d think Vickie would get her own theme music one of these days, but instead she walks to the ring without. She’s also furious, because Snooki appears to have stolen Vickie’s cover shot for Rolling Stone. I am amused. I will now sigh longingly as Trish Stratus enters. I have no shame in this. Seriously, though, adolescent crushes aside, Trish really is pretty awesome, for what she’s accomplished and her in-ring ability. The match consists of Vickie trying to escape having to actually fight Trish, and generally, having fun doing it. It’s silly, but I find I don’t mind. I should like to have had Trish in a real match, but I’ll live. Dolph dashes out to try and save Vickie, but is stopped by the flipping awesomeness that is Morrison. Now LayCool comes to aid Vickie, Michelle boots Trish in the noggin with her boot, and Vickie wins. Was this a great match? Obviously no. But it was fun, it was harmless, and I actually enjoyed it. Vickie seemed to be trying to figure out how ridiculous she could be, and  it worked.

And now, Michelle has noticed the completely blasé Snooki, who is no-selling all of this something fierce. Snookie tries to stand up to Michelle, and I’m reminded how tall Michelle is. Snooki pretends to be potent, but then Trish dashes in and shows how you throw punches. The segment ends with Morrison, Snooki, and Trish in the ring. But wait, there’s more! We shall now have a match with LayCool and Dolph against Trish, Morrison, and Snooki at Wrestlemania. Damnit, I would so totally be behind this match if it were just Morrison and Trish, because, well, that’d be awesome. Not only would that be one of the rare romance pairings I could back, but it would just be an entertaining team (Morrison could out-Diva the original Diva). Not to mention this gives Dolph and John something to do, which I’ve been concerned about. But why did they need to ruin this with Snooki? Why? My joyful joys are dashed by thinking about what this could have been, but instead is. Ah, well. Happy thoughts.

Raw is running overtime tonight by the time we get to the main event of Cena vs Del Rio. I love that Del Rio gets to come in with his usual car and pyro, while Brodus Clay has to wait in the back until Alberto’s done before he gets to come out. He’s not even allowed in the car. The match starts off well, with much energy and pacing as is apt for two men soon to be vying for Championships at Wrestlemania. I like how Alberto’s body language indicates he doesn’t take John very seriously, while Cena is intent on kicking Del Rio’s ass as best he can. Any time Cena does a drop kick, I have to be impressed. That can’t be easy for a man his size. Either way, the “Let’s Go Cena” chants are louder than the “Cena Sucks” chants tonight. The match is a good one: not a whole lot of finesse or the technical aspects we’ve come to expect from Del Rio, and a lot more punches, but it’s not terrible. But, just as Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, Brodus Clay intervenes, ending the match in disqualification. We wait for a beat down... but wait! The Rock’s music!

...And out comes the Miz, wearing a bald wig and doing a passable impression of the Rock. I will never tire of impersonations. More than that, the Miz uses the Rock Bottom on Cena, getting even more boos in the process. The villains all take turns beating up Cena (that’s awfully polite of them), while the Miz steals Rock’s poses and mannerisms, to the general disgust of the crowd. Finally, Miz rips off his bald wig, and beats Cena as himself. Miz takes the mic, asks Cena how his road to Wrestlemania is going, and then whacks him on the noggin. In between reaction shots of the crowd, Miz suplexes Cena on the entrance ramp, stops a potential miraculous comeback from our hero, and continues to shut down the crowd’s hope for satisfaction.

This was another pretty good Raw. We had little wasted time tonight, and everything was focused on building towards Wrestlemania. The Miz is finally being pushed as the main focus of the Cena/Rock storyline, I assume we're done, for the time being, with the slaying of Sheamus, and Cole got to jack up his heel status through the roof. The Sheamus/Bryan match was solid, the humour match was kept short but entertaining, the Cena/Del Rio match was pretty good. Obviously, if there was less Snooki, this could have been even better, but alas. Raw now has it's batting average at .500 for good shows on the road to Wrestlemania.

Reeking of Awesomeness

With Raw surprising me on its previous show by actually being good, can Smackdown answer in kind?

Starting off, we have Edge, here to talk about how tired he is of having Alberto Del Rio getting the jump on him, and that he wants a fight. He doesn’t care where, he doesn’t care when, only that he wants a piece of Del Rio. That right there is the intensity that this story needs: Edge consciously treats Del Rio as a threat, and as an enemy, not as a mild inconvenience or just as another opponent. Del Rio needs dealing with, and his existence is enough to make Edge angry and looking for blood. That is how you push a guy as the #1 contender: that every moment he exists is another moment of constant irritation. Don’t just brush him off, make him a threat. It takes two to tango, and Edge’s interaction with Alberto really helps push the rivalry along. Alberto enters with his little buddy Brodus Clay. I think Del Rio needs more menacing entrance music: the mariachi band doesn’t really set the right mood for dramatic confrontation. Del Rio does not have his trademark smile out right now, showing us that he too knows the time for fun and games has passed. The dialogue is standard fare of going into Wrestlemania and taking Edge’s World Heavyweight Championship, but it’s how it’s said that matters. Both men are constantly maintaining eye contact, their word choice is aimed to make it clear that the two are angry without actually saying “I’m angry,” and they both are keeping in line with their characters: Edge is a manic, easily irritable veteran who doesn’t like anyone cutting into his turf, while Del Rio is still pressing that it’s his destiny to win, and swaggering about like he believes every word.

Needless to say, they begin to fight. But alas, with Brodus Clay now acting as personal body guard to Del Rio, Edge is on the verge of being reduced to mush. Thankfully, Captain Charisma Christian is on the way to help! If I were going to write Christian into the Title Match, it would be on the lines that Christian is the one who keeps saving Edge and getting Del Rio out of the ring. No such luck this time, though, for Christian too is batted aside. Before things can get too out of control, Teddy Long announces a tag match for later in the evening between Del Rio and Clay, and the reunited team of Edge and Christian. This really did make my day: Edge and Christian were a fantastic tag team (back when the WWE still cared about tag teams) that could not only wrestle, but provide entertainment. They had it all down to a tee. The only downside of this reunion is that it reminds me how non-existent that tag team division is right now. Don’t suppose you  guys would like to just stay a team again?

First real match of the night is to be Kane and Wade Barrett. Barrett’s speech going into the match is a little odd. He starts off strong by telling Kane he’s made a few monumental errors in judgement, which is a great line, does some exposition of what happened last week, and ends with telling Kane he’s... a chemical experiment mistake. I don’t think the name calling really fits in to what Barrett was trying to say: it sounded like he was trying to elaborate on Kane’s errors and how that was going to lead to his destruction, but couldn’t think of anything else, so went for petty insults. It just sounded off and disjointed from what he was building on. What should be happening to Kane in the future should be happening because he messed with the Corre, not because he’s funny looking. Anyway, small quibble. They have a short match, which actually had some promise. Both men are roughly the same size and build, and I think this could have been a good match if not for the cavalry’s Corps (see what I did there?) arrival. We then proceed with the always entertaining and never dull stomping. Aah, yes, stomping! Man, I could just kick back and watch this guys stomp like angry farmers for months on end... which, incidentally, I already have. All we need now is for Gabriel to flip around and we have ourselves the same beatdown we’ve seen one hundred and five times before.

Luckily, Big Show is here to provide Kane with some much needed reinforcements (the tank to counter the cavalry, if I’m going to stick with this analogy). Show gets in the ring, the Corre scramble... and we awkwardly cut to commercials right in the middle of it. No buildup, no announcers leading into the commercial, just boom. We come back, and it would seem that they are now having a legitimate tag match, with Gabriel and Barret vs Kane and Show. So, what, we were so busy shoving in Raw recaps in this episode that we couldn’t even see the matches getting made? Moreover, why even waste time with the first match, when the real action was going to take place in the second one anyway? Anyways, the match is pretty standard, until the rest of the members of We-Wish-We-Had-The-Same-Heat-As-Nexus appears and commences with... more stomping! Yes, the Corre can be mediocre twice in one evening! Big Show, sensing how irritated I am, does me a favour and brings a chair into the ring, giving Ezekiel and Barrett a solid hit and driving them off so they can’t bore me any longer (dangit, Barrett, ditch the group!). Then, in retaliation for last week, Show hits Kane too. The audience reaction to this last point is hilarious: you can hear their confusion over whether or not they should cheer for that.

The No-Longer-Dashing Cody Rhodes is to have a match with JTG, and seems to have forgotten to change into his ring gear, coming out wearing his suit and shirt. I’m not really certain what they were going for here: I know that they want Cody to be confused, half insane, and unstable, but did he not know he had a match? He would have had time to put on his trunks and non-existent kneepads. Also, the commentators don’t really point out how odd it is that Cody comes out dressed in this fashion (what a loaded phrase that is...), so the crazy effect is kind of lost. The match is over in a minute, as Cody fights with great fury and rage so that he can get out of the spotlight as quickly as possible. The body language was still good, as was the effect of demonstrating that Cody is going over the edge, and that sort of makes up for the suit.

Hey, remember when Raw could actually put their own storylines and characters on their own show, because God knows they have enough time for it if they would stop with the constant ads and five second matches? Neither do I! And so, we have Cole interviewing John Cena on Smackdown to discuss what happened on the last Raw. Because having an interview with a character on the actual show which the interview is being staged on is just dumb.

I can’t complain too much, though: it seems that my complaints and worries about the Cena vs Miz story are finally being addressed and solved. Cena comes out and says that, yeah, he’s been distracted by the Rock. And that since the Great One’s return, Cena has been constantly under assault by the Miz, and hasn’t really had a chance to return fire. John puts on his serious face, and makes me believe that he could totally kill anyone he came into contact with, making me forget his rap about Fruity Pebbles only a few weeks early. Seriously, that’s talent. And when Cena has his serious face on, I listen, because if Superman is taking a threat to heart, than so do I. He puts in his line which is to be used in montages hyping the match: “Miz wants to call himself the new face of the WWE? Then my goal is now to break the face of the WWE!” Thank you for reading my blog, John. The story which I despaired about three weeks ago has now been amended and fixed: Cena has his serious face on, the Miz is back in the spotlight, the two are now looking at each other, and the WWE Championship is now what matters.

I still wish you could have done this on Raw, but whatever.

The Divas are contractually obliged to have at least two seconds of screen time per episode, so let’s have Layla fight Kaitlyn. Layla hits the Layla-Stunner (trademark!) and wins. Wee.

Finally, we have a real match: Rey Mysterio and Drew McIntyre. Drew is impressing me more and more with every passing episode. I loved how he started the match: the bell rings, and he kicks Mysterio in the head. Not only is it a perfectly heel thing to do, it helps emphasize Drew’s ever growing aggression and Devil-may-care attitude. He also gets in a couple of really good moves: my personal favourite was the back breaker off of the ring apron. Like I’ve said before, McIntyre might not be the best wrestler move-for-move, but he has enough innovative ways to inflict pain that his matches are entertaining. Rey does a good job too, eventually pulling it out of the hat for the win. Rey has no time to celebrate however, because Cody comes out from the back, and, slurring and looking like a man who hasn’t slept in days, says Rey still hasn’t given him an answer for their proposed Wrestlemania match. See, here is where the messed up suit works: it looks like Cody’s completely fallen, forgotten to change due to obsessive behaviour, and just looks like a train wreck. Did I mention how this is one of my favourite surprises going into Wrestlemania? Just as Mysterio’s match with Punk last year had one of the best stories going into Wrestlemania, so too does this affair with Cody. Mysterio says that he will see Cody Rhodes at Wrestlemania. I won’t say no.

It’s time to play the Game! Triple H comes out to respond to the Undertaker’s declarations of this last Monday night. That’s fine, but what I really want and really need are for these two to be in the same ring and talk at one another. I love a good monologue as much as the next guy (especially as it’s the primary way of talking in the wrestling universe), but this is supposed to be a battle of the Gods, and I need to see them at each other’s throats, looking one another in the eye, rising tension, high emotion, trying to one-up one another and let them know what they’re in for. This lack is shown in Triple H’s promo here: he talks about how he’s able to shut off emotion, that he can do things without regret, and thanks the Undertaker for making the match No Holds Barred. Good. Brilliant. I like it, as it reminds us that Triple H is indeed still the Cerebral Assassin, and will mess you up. But know what would have been better? If he had said this to the Undertaker’s face. Shown us that he’s not afraid, shown us that he’s the Game, shown us that he wants a piece of Undertaker. More showing, less telling, please. I know that they want to do a slow build, but I really think given a match of this magnitude, having the two butt heads and get in one another’s face more, and really emphasizing the personal animosity they have, would help the storyline immensely.

Finally, our main event, with Alberto Del Rio and Brodus Clay versus Edge and Christian. I found myself slightly let down with this one. It’s probably because I had expected so much, a homage back to the times of greatness, but we don’t really get a sense that this is the best work of E&C. I blame this mostly on the fact that the match seemed short, and there wasn’t a lot of time to work. I find that tag matches need more time than most one-on-one matches to be really compelling, because you have four guys who need to get work in instead of just two. Anyways, it’s not a terrible match by any means: there are some good tags, Del Rio keeps trying to stay out of harm’s way, and it seems that Brodus Clay might have something to him to make him compelling to watch in the future. That is to say, he’s not completely boring in the ring, and can keep things moving along. Still not sold, but I’m not against him as much as I was initially. Edge hits the flying elbow on Clay to get the win. If not for the hype and high expectations, this probably would have been a good match. But I was so geared up for a Con-Chair-To or a Five Second Pose...

All in all, a decent Smackdown. The highlights of the evening were Drew’s match with Rey and the Main event. There’s some good building going into Wrestlemania, and the plots are picking up in interest. There were some disappointments (the five second Diva match and the perpetual bore of the Corre), but it didn’t hurt the rest of the show overmuch. Many of my fears and concerns from earlier in the month are being relieved. Think good thoughts for April 3.