Royal Rumble 2009

Firstly, I apologize for the lack of updates for the last two months. Basically, upon moving, my writing schedule was thrown out of sync, and it was hard to get back into the groove. Second, I found that recapping every episode of both Raw and Smackdown proved to be more daunting than I thought. Not only is it very time consuming, but if I miss even a single episode, given how much the plot jumps around in wrestling, it’s hard to catch up. Especially considering what has happened on Raw alone post Money In the Bank, with Punk leaving, then coming back, and Triple H taking over for Vince, and Del Rio being the new Champion. It’s kind of been all over the place, and it’s hard to get back up to speed.

Instead, rather than being a show-to-show update, my blog is now going to be either short essays on wrestling topics, or recaps of PPVs or DVDs. Specifically, what I endeavour to do at this point is to watch every PPV DVD of 2009 in order, and look at how the plots, characters, and matches evolve over the course of a year. Thankfully, with everything on DVD, I can keep track of specifics and not get too lost.

So let’s hop in our time machine back to 2009, and see how it holds up in the PPV department.

Our first PPV comes in January, and is, of course, the Royal Rumble. Personally, I love the Rumble, and I think it’s the best PPV of the year. While Wrestlemania has all the plot conclusions, the Rumble is pretty much the starting point for all the major plots, and is where the intrigue starts. It’s the starting point of the Road to Wrestlemania, and just functions as a good bait to get the viewer invested in the goings on. To those not familiar, the Royal Rumble PPV, apart from the usual title matches, has the main event of a 30 man over-the-top-rope challenge, in which the idea is to throw every other man out of the ring and to be the last man standing. More intrigue is added to the thing by the way entrances are handled, with the match starting with only two men and another one being added in every ninety seconds, until all thirty men have been entered. The winner of the match gets to go to Wrestlemania to compete for the major Title of his choice. So not only is it a major plot point, but it also gives a chance for everyone on the roster to come out and get some screen time.

Now, for the 2009 Rumble, the big plot going in is that everyone’s favorite sack of boring, Randy Orton, has had a run in with Stephanie McMahon, who was running Raw at the time. Stephanie does us all a favor and slaps Randy, who in turn more or less calls her a whore. This rubs COO Vince McMahon the wrong way, and he’s about to fire Randy, before Orton punches him, and then proceeds to kick him in the head. Yes, Randy kicked an old man defending his daughter’s honor in the head. And that right there is why I can never buy this twerp as a good guy, never mind the ultimate good guy. I mean, this was only two years ago! I can remember that far back, WWE! At any rate, the big question is: will Randy Orton be fired for his actions? Well, the only way he won’t be is if he wins the Rumble and gets that guaranteed match at Wrestlemania. And right there, the entire suspense of the Rumble’s outcome is spoiled, because you know precisely what must and needs to happen in order for the plot to keep rolling. Once again, Randy Orton ruins everything.

But our first match of the night is the ECW Championship Match between Matt Hardy and Jack Swagger. Say, remember ECW? Remember how much better it was than NXT? Remember when it’s belt meant something? Actually, it’s sad that I forgot that Swagger was a Champion, and in fact a two time Champion. Poor Jack. Also, I should point out that Matt Hardy was both the previous ECW Champ, and is getting a title shot here. I bring this up, because when he left the company, Matt did nothing but whine about how the company never game him any shots or pushed him in anyway. As we shall see, Matt is full of shit.

The match starts, and I forgot how tall Matt is. I mean, Swagger is a pretty big guy, and Matt is about the same level as he is. They exchange some grapples, and of course the Hardy fangirls are here in full force, chanting up a storm. I mean, all he’s doing is throwing some punches, and they’re acting as if it’s the sexiest thing since sex. Get a grip, girls. Well, Jack does his best cowardly heel thing, where he keeps ducking out of the ring instead of going in to fight. Once Jack does get going, he outclasses Matt by doing some regular wrestling takedowns and toying with Hardy. Sadly, I think this is why Swagger’s first few months weren’t so hot: the crowd wasn’t completely behind his “actual” wrestling, and Swagger simply wasn’t flashy enough. I mean, Matt gets up simply does a bulldog on him, but the crowd is way more into it due to the speed and impact, whereas Swagger’s move, while technical, do not psych up a crowd. Which, incidentally, is why I believe smarks who harp on about “real wrestling moves” are only kidding themselves, because you cannot get the kind of crowd the WWE needs invested into those kinds of matches.

Back to the match, it really is a lot of Matt throwing punches and Jack going for submission holds. Yet somehow the crowd is really into it, the reason, I believe, being that Matt Hardy, like Jeff, is at his best when he’s in peril. Let’s face it, people cheer for the Hardy’s when they lose. That’s where they’re marketable. They do the underdog thing and make people feel good for their few successes because the rarity makes them sweeter. This match, however, is another loss, as Swagger hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb to get the win. I’m sure fangirls the world over weep.

Backstage, the outcome of the Rumble is drilled into the audience even more as Orton does the slow walk backstage, and everyone looks on at him in stoic wonder. Damnation, I hate Orton.

Hey, remember when the Divas were good? Gosh, I’m loving this delve back into 2009, and we’re only two matches in. Melina vs. Beth Phoenix for the Women’s Championship. Not only are these two of the best women wrestler’s ever, but you’ll notice that the title is the /Women’s Championship./ Not the lame pink Divas Championship, but an actual decent looking gold belt. Also, accompanying Beth is Santino, and the duo currently form a tandem called Glamerella. It worked out great for Santino, not so much for Beth. Let’s face it, teaming with Santino really brings you down.

The match starts emphasizing how strong Beth is, as she pretty much crushes Melina at first with a couple holds and bear hugs. Melina, however, is no fool, and is able to put up a fight. She rallies with a fantastic hurricanrana into an arm bar. Which is impressive, until Beth straight up lifts Melina onto her shoulders and tosses her around. Yes, women’s wrestling /can/ be entertaining! Beth goes for a boston crab, and bends Melina’s leg all the way over her head. What’s impressive there is how flexible Melina is. As far as the match goes, what impresses me the most is how give-and-take it is. There’s no one person carrying the match; both women are giving a great show, getting in offence and keeping the momentum up. Also, as far as storytelling goes, they’re really playing with Beth being the unstoppable force that Melina needs to conquer, and thus every blow Melina gets in seems like an even bigger triumph. Ultimately, Melina wins with a roll up pin, which is a bit disappointing, but it’s a nifty move, with Melina catching Beth just as the Glamazon is about to chuck her around. Seriously, this was a good match: it was fast paced, the move variety was good, both participants were working, and both women played to their characters very well.

And now, onto the World Heavyweight Championship match, currently on Monday Night Raw. Our current Champion is John Cena (who else?), and he will be facing JBL, everyone’s favorite Texas billionaire heel. I’ve talked about why JBL works so good as a bad guy before: he goes out of his way to be unlikable. While a lot of heels have their own fan support, and tend to either say or do things that have some lick of truth in them, JBL tries his best to be as despicable and hated as conceivably possible. Take, for instance, the story line going into this match. Remembering that this takes place shortly after the stock market collapse at the end of 2008, it seems that Shawn Michaels’ investments took a plummet, leaving him practically bankrupt. Yeah, it’s contrived, but roll with it. As a result, JBL warmly decides to help bail out Shawn… so long as he remains an indentured servant to JBL. So, in other words, Shawn is Bradshaw’s slave, or Shawn’s family goes hungry. Theirs is nothing so dastardly as taking advantage of a man who’s down and out, especially as Shawn is being painted as a fallen hero here, with JBL being the man keeping him from rising again. Truly evil. At any rate, JBL has wormed his way into a title shot against Cena by having a #1 contender’s match against who else but Shawn Michaels, and forced Shawn to lie down without a fight so that Bradshaw could pick up the win. Truly, being able to have a character that despicable is rare, and only adds to how good a villain Bradshaw was.

Prior to the match, we have a backstage segment with said Bradshaw and Michaels. JBL knows that HBK is close to snapping, and thus promises him that if JBL wins tonight, not only will he pay Michaels all of the money he’s owed, but he will also ensure Shawn will be in the Royal Rumble later that night. I like this add on, as it does add some suspense as to what factor Shawn will play in the title match. Of course, after JBL leaves, in comes the Undertaker. Not too sure why, but he tells Shawn that “Sometimes, it’s hell trying to get to heaven.” This sets up for the Wrestlemania match for HBK vs. Undertaker, but it doesn’t have much bearing at this moment in time.

Actually, I realize how lost in this storyline John Cena is. He’s not the protagonist in this, Shawn is. All of the interest and intrigue is in the relation between JBL and Michaels, and Cena’s just there as the guy holding the belt whom Shawn must help JBL defeat. Really, the part of Cena here could be played by anyone. At any rate, Cena gets an oddly warm reception from the Detroit crowd when he enters, which I personally rack up as the desire of the crowd to see the Superman beat JBL’s Lex Luthor, once again adding props to what a good heel JBL is: he makes people want the good guy to beat him.

The match starts, and Cena starts things off with a snapmare into a headlock, which JBL returns in kind. It’s pretty basic, but again, the match here is second to the plot line as to whether or not Michaels will interfere. Essentially, Bradshaw and Cena could sit down and have tea in the ring, and the camera would still be focused on Michaels looking existentially troubled at ringside. The two in the ring give up on being fancy, and go for the heavy hitting brawling. Honestly, though, that’s the strength of both men, and they do it very well. A brawling match can be good if both men know the timing and when and where to punch, and that’s something Cena does especially well; he knows when to be in peril and when to be on top, and honestly, I think that lends to an interesting match just as much as move variety. But, for the most part, JBL is the one  doing the hitting, as Cena is spending too much time looking at Shawn and wondering if he’ll interfere. While I do think that Michael’s distracts from the match here, he does add something in storytelling, giving the whole thing another factor to consider other than just who will get the pin. Cena rallies back, as he is wont to do, and starts to lay a beating on JBL. Again, I don’t think he gets as many boos as he usually does with this comeback simply because he’s doing it against JBL. Cena gets the STF locked into JBL, but Shawn keeps pushing the ropes closer to Bradshaw so that he might legally break the hold. JBL does get out of the hold, hits the Clothesline from Hell, but Cena still kicks out. We know we’re near the end if we’re breaking out the finishers and kickouts, and sure enough, JBL accidently kicks the ref in the head, and gets taken down by Cena.

And now, the real moment we’ve all been waiting for: the ref is knocked out, and Michaels can interfere. Again, it’s a good story moment, but the rest of the match is worthless as a result, because this is all that matters. Much to the surprise and delight of the crowd, HBK Superkicks JBL. Of course, he then superkicks Cena as well. Oh, Shawn, you can’t have it both ways. He then drags JBL’s unconscious form and drapes the arm over Cena, thus giving him the pin. Of course, he fails to revive the ref, and then leaves the ring and goes backstage. Honestly, he didn’t do a very good job here. Thus, when the ref does finally get there, Cena has had more than enough time to kick out. I’m annoyed by this, because any tension there might have been here is gone due to the lost time from having JBL pin Cena and getting a ref into the match. And then, Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment to Bradshaw and wins. But again, there’s no surprise or tension here, as Shawn has left the ring and thus is no longer able to prevent this from happening; had Michaels still been at ringside, you’d still be left wondering if he would provide another last second upset. The whole match just wasn’t constructed very well: the first two thirds might have just been filler, and the final third, where all the important stuff happens, falls flat. A bit disappointing, considering how good the story was going in.

Our last regular match is the WWE Championship match, now on Smackdown. Our current champ is Jeff Hardy (yeah, those Hardy’s have it real rough, never getting those pushes) and he’s facing Edge. The storyline leading up to this one is interesting. At the Survivor Series of 2008, Jeff was supposed to fight Triple H for the WWE Championship, but was waylaid and found at the bottom of a flight of stairs (I know it’s supposed to insinuate he’s been attacked, but honestly, with Jeff Hardy, he probably just got stoned and passed out). His place in the match was then taken by Edge, recently returned after being sent to Hell by the Undertaker (and /that’s/ a story in and of itself!) who manages to win the Championship. Jeff demands a fair chance, and he gets it at Judgement Day 2008, where he finally gets his first WWE Championship. And there was much rejoicing. Just not from me. Well, that’s fine and well, but then Jeff keeps getting maliciously attacked off screen, with things like the pyro exploding on him, his car getting run off the road, and his house being set on fire and killing his dog. You know, for kids! All fingers, of course, point at Edge, and really, this all is the sort of thing Edge would do, but he denies it all with gusto.

First out comes Jeff, and I forgot how much I hated his stupid face paint. It just looks silly, like Jeff got high and sort of slathered it on… oh wait. Also, that towel hanging out of his back pocket doesn’t make sense. Vickie Guerrero, still being married to Edge at this time, as well as the GM of Smackdown, comes out to do her usual evil thing and announces that the match is now a No Disqualification. Next comes Edge, and God, I miss Edge. I miss the trenchcoat, and the music, and the crazy eyes. He’s also accompanied by Chavo Guerrero (whom I also miss) who has sort of the role of Edge’s lackey at this time. The match starts, and Jeff starts things off with a fury, going after Edge with great speed. It makes sense that he starts this way, given that he’s certain Edge has attempted to murder him, and really wants his revenge. Edge, being a classic sneaky heel, tries to run away, but is chased by Jeff wielding a chair (remember, no DQ). Edge manages to avoid the chair and begins his own assault, only to have Jeff come back yet again. I actually like how Jeff is handling this: there’s not a whole lot of wrestling going on (and there never will be in a Hardy match) but it makes sense with where the character is mentally that he will attack Edge with blind fury, using punches and kicks rather than calm and collected headlocks.

Of course, sooner or later, you need to have Jeff jump around, and he launches himself off the apron onto Edge. The reason I criticize Jeff for his attempts at high flying while I applaud guys like Rey Mysterio and Evan Bourne is that the latter incorporate their  aerial assaults into actual moves, technically savvy in and of themselves, and require a great deal of skill to do. Jeff just kind of falls off things in order to get a cheap reaction from the crowd; there’s not a lot of majesty or design in how Jeff attempts high flying. Edge starts getting his assault in, and I’m actually surprised that it’s a bit slow paced with little crowd reaction. I think it’s because the way the match is going, it’s very much Jeff attacks, then Edge attacks, then Jeff attacks, then Edge attacks, etc., with no real countering or blocking to shake things up. Your pretty much just them take turns laying a beating on the other, rather than seeing them fight. Edge gets sick of this, and being evil, tries to bring in a pair of chairs into the match. The two struggle for a bit to see who will actually get the first shot in with said weapons, until taking the fight outside the ring. Jeff preps the announce table, grabs a ladder, places Edge on said table, and darn well would have jumped on Edge if Chavo hadn’t interfered. For his troubles, Jeff falls on Chavo. Seriously, he does not jump from high places, he just kind of falls.

They eventually get back in the ring, and Edge removes a turnbuckle cover. Jeff avoids running into the corner, hops on the turnbuckle, and falls on  Edge. Seriously, I don’t get what the fangirls see in the Hardys that I don’t. They’re not particularly fluent, they’re not great in the ring, and Jeff looks like a homicidal maniac with that face paint. There is a neat moment where Jeff catches the Spear and turns it into a Twist of Fate, and then falls on Jeff with his patented falling move, the Swanton Bomb, but Vickie, who is evil, pulls the ref’s leg, which naturally stops him from counting  three. Well, with the odds stacked against Jeff, who will come to his aid?

Why, look, it’s Matt Hardy, who brushes Vickie aside and goes to helps his brother by handing him a chair. How decent of him. Even more decent is when Matt smashes a chair over Jeff’s head and lets Edge pin him to win the match and the WWE Championship. Yes, this has been the first of 2009’s STUNNING BETRAYALS! I love how Edge and Vickie celebrate after the match, like it was totally just them who contributed to this win;  two of them just played off one another’s style of villainy so well. Of course, the story is about Matt betraying Jeff, which, if you think about it, makes sense: after all, he’s probably none too happy with his younger screw up brother getting to be Champion while he himself has lost his title shot earlier in the show. Of course, the success of this story being truly masterful is if either brother had the ability to act, and, well, they don’t. It’s a good story (brother vs. brother is always fun), and the idea that you can kind of sympathize with Matt’s motivations gives it a level of intrigue, but the Hardys just are not good at acting, plain and simple.

And now, the main event: the Royal Rumble, which, in this case, Orton is guaranteed to win, emphasized even more so by the fact that prior to the match, Orton is interviewed and told that legal action will be taken against him for his actions against the McMahons, hammering home the fact that he needs to win this or he’ll be fired. Well, at least I can enjoy the 29 other wrestlers in this match.

Our first man in the Royal Rumble is Rey Mysterio, and joining him at #2 is John Morrison, who, at this time, is a heel, part of the Tag Team Champions along with the Miz. It’s odd to remember back when Morrison was heel; with his flashy pants and flashy moves, he just screams “good guy.” The two start off the show by showing off their flipping around, and really, no one does it better. The only thing with the early moments of the Rumble is that there’s not a lot of tension, and you know they’re just waiting for someone else to enter and are just stalling for time. But JoMo and Rey do a good job of teasing eliminations, with both men hanging on for dear life to the ropes. Next man in is Carlito, who fits right in with the flashy flying style of the other two. Damn, I miss Carlito. I think he was a tragically underused commodity, as he had the moves and charm needed to succeed. #4 is MVP, whom I also miss (I’m noticing a trend here). This is right at the start of his face turn, which was built up to with a massive losing streak. Another problem with the early moments of the match is that there’s not enough people to have constant action going, and so it’s usually a matter of having the new guy come in and get his moves in while the others take a breather.

Number 5 is the Great Khali, who is just as boring in 2009 as he is now. I really love how everyone in the ring sells his presence though, as the look on with horror at his presence. I’m watching in horror too, but for different reasons. Khali lumbers about, and I am bored. I wonder how many times I will type that while watching this year… Number 6 is Vladimir Koslov, who is actually very new here, and was pushed at the Iron Russian gimmick, where he’s like a tank. True to form, the first thing he does is eliminate Khali by himself, then proceeds to eliminate MVP and Carlito. He picks a fight with Rey, but Rey is no mid-carder, and manages to put up a fight. Speaking of men who are not mid-carders, #7 is Triple H, who has a stare down with Koslov (I had forgotten they had tried to put Koslov over by feuding with Hunter). The two exchange punches before Triple H singlehandedly eliminates Koslov. Is anyone really surprised that Triple H is able to defeat the tank by himself?

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Randy Orton at #8. Now, in fairness, Orton is a passable heel, mainly because his inability to emote can be played of as evil indifference. He and Triple H slug it out for a bit, before Rey and JoMo decide to remind everyone that they’re in this match too, and speed things up with their flashiness. Damnation, Orton is lost in a ring with those two. I groan audibly at #9, as it’s Cryme Tyme, everyone’s favorite racially and culturally insensitive Tag Team. I’m glad gangster rap has died out. JTG, thankfully, is the only member of team who gets in, and decides to go after Triple H. This is a terrible idea, and he gets nowhere. Come on, JTG, Hunter fights tanks with his fists, and eats dragons for breakfast. What are you going to do? #10 is Ted Dibiase, who is, of course, part of Orton’s posse at this time, known as Legacy. As such, he will be Randy Orton’s bitch for tonight. Thankfully, #11 is an indefinite improvement, with Chris Jericho coming out to the ring to speed things up and kick some ass. And he does so, along with JoMo, to take a surprisingly slow paced Rumble and to get some action kicking up in the ring. Seriously, I don’t suppose I can blame this wholly on orton, but there is just not a lot happening so far since Koslov came and wreaked havoc for his brief spot. Speaking of monsters, #12 is Mike Knox, whom I had forgotten about. Knox is kind of an odd character, who was billed as a monster heel, but never seemed to settle on his character. First he was a wild mind, then a quiet psychotic, then an intellectual, and as such, the audience never knew what to make of him. At this time, though, he’s having a feud with Rey, and of course goes right after him. He doesn’t get very far, but it’s the thought that counts.

#13 is the Miz. Lose any affection and admiration of the Miz that you have at present, because in 2009, he’s really annoying. He’s got the Chick Magnet character, which is essentially just a high school bully, and he’s not in the least bit threatening or credible. Now, remember this, because he’s going to be improving as the year goes on. Orton goes into an RKO fest, hitting it on Miz, Morrison, and JTG before getting Pedigreed by Triple H, who then throws Morrision into Miz and sends them both over the ring top, leading to a neat moment where Rey uses the pair of them as a stepping stool so that his feet don’t touch the ground. #14 is Finlay, who I will never tire of. He’s just classic badass and tough, and goes to work right away. And then, curiously, things slow down again. With this many people in the ring, there should not be the amount of laying around that is going on.  Listen to the crowd: they’re kind of bored. Things don’t get better with #15, Cody Rhodes. Again, forget how much admiration I have for Cody now, because he too is part of Legacy, and just Orton’s minion. Well, with Legacy together, they execute their famous move: stomping. A lot of it. Get used to stomping from the Legacy, because it’s what they do best.

After 90 seconds of stomping, we are relieved by #16: The Undertaker. God, I love how everyone in the ring huddles over to the far side of the ring when he enters. Taker, being awesome, speeds things up by fighting everyone, throwing JTG over the top in the process. I have to say, it’s impressive when possibly the oldest man in this match is pumping the most life into it (it’s funny, because he’s a dead man!). Seriously, from the moment Taker enters, he never stops moving. To increase the awesomeness, #17 is Goldust, who has a really neat moment when he stops and stares down at Cody, and then slaps him (they’re real life brothers). Sadly, Orton hates anyone with more charisma than him, and RKOs Goldust, who is then eliminated by Cody. It’s a neat moment for Cody’s character, and kind of cements him going over to the dark side.

Know what’s weird? CM Punk as a good guy. He comes in at 18, and he too adds to the speed of the match, which seems to be improving greatly. Not to mention he gets to hit Triple H with a GTS. Like I said, it’s weird. #19 is Mark Henry, who, we’ll remember, is boring at this point. Man, how much has changed in two years? Look at Cody, Punk, Henry, and Miz, and you barely even recognize them. Henry breaks things, but sadly, when you hit everyone in the match, they all go down, and thus the action continues to be lessened. He hits Hunter with the Strongest Slam, and I’m surprised with how many finishers Triple H is being hit with. #20 is Shelton Benjamin, and to be a parrot, I miss Shelton Benjamin. His awesomeness is muted slightly. #21 is William Regal, who is feuding with CM Punk, and naturally goes right after him. Mark Henry is eliminated, but I only know this because I see him outside the ring, and have no idea when it happened or who did it. #22 is Kofi Kingston, who is also just starting out. He still hails from Jamaica at this point, a decision I will never quote get. He gets a shot in against Mike Knox, whom I had forgotten was even here, but is silenced. Meanwhile, Undertaker tosses out Shelton Benjamin, in a bit on an anticlimactic exit. The fire jets go off, and here comes Kane at 23. Kane, being Kane, breaks things, and lays a beating on just about everyone.  He and Undertaker have a stare down, and I notice Taker is bleeding from the forehead. The Brothers double-chokeslam Ted for no reason other than being awesome, and then Kane Chokeslams Kofi. Punk drags Regal over the top, and I realize how sporadic the eliminations have been, rather than being storylined. #24 is R-Truth, who is not crazy, and still has that stupid spinning crossbody as his finisher (it wouldn’t do anything!). #25 is…. OMG! OMG! Rob Van Dam! I love how people just stop in a stunned stupor as he appears and instantly cranks up the awesome. I confess, I love the surprise appearances in the Rumble every year, even if they do steal spots from regular wrestlers. #26 is The Brian Kendrick, who I remember for being a tiny man who got a really big push, and blew it because he didn’t listen to the front office’s drug policies. Brian eliminates Kofi, and is then promptly tossed out by Knox (how is Knox still here?). I enjoy watching Punk and RVD throw punches, as it just spells awesome. #27 is Dolph Ziggler, who is also brand new. Man, he’s come far, especially considering his grand total time in this match is 30 seconds before being tossed out by Kane.

28 is Santino, who hustles out and is comedically eliminated in under 1 second by Kane. Oh, Santino. I’m always torn whether I find you funny or a waste of time. I am actually impressed with how much action is going on in the ring now; with the sheer number of people here (not many eliminations) people are allowed to work, and with a lot of the pros in there now, you can have fun trying to spot who’s doing what. #29 is Hacksaw Jim Duggin, the winner of the very first Rumble. He strangley decides to fight the Undertaker, whom he downs. Huh. In fact, Hacksaw is surprisingly spry in this, going to work by throwing punches all over the place. Our last guy at #30 is the Big Show, and we have another “Oh, goddamn,” moment from the people in the ring. Seriously, the expression shot is priceless. Show enters the ring, and just gives the best “I dare you” look to everyone else. Kane obliges, and slaps Show. Well, all thirty men are in, and I love the amount of color and personality is present in the ring. If one person isn’t doing too much, there’s at least three other who are, and thus boredom is prevented. Show eliminates Hacksaw, and then lifts Truth above his head and tosses him out. He keeps trying to toss Punk out, who hangs on to the ropes at least three times, before getting KOd by Show and tumbles out of the ring. I like having the eliminations at the end, fast and furious, as it adds to the drama: these people have gone through so much, and it is only when they’re so close to victory that the fall, rather than having their exits be brief and meaningless. Knox and Rey kind of tumble out in a heap (I’m not really sure how), and then Finlay is chucked out by Kane.

Show and Undertaker have a showdown, but are interrupted by Jericho, who also tosses out RVD. Jericho is so pleased with himself that he doesn’t notice the Undertaker standing behind him, who eliminates Y2J. The Legacy use their combined boredom to get Kane out of the picture.

So we’re down to our final six: Legacy, Undertaker, Triple H, and Big Show. The only thing that ruins this from being truly tense is A) the fact that Orton ‘s win is inevitable,  and B) Cody and Ted are pretty much just here as cannon fodder, and no one believes they’re going to win. Undertaker Chokeslams every Legacy member before having another showdown with Big Show. They exchange punches, which eventually culminates on an apron fight, which I actually really like, as both men could be eliminated, and the tension and suspense is handled very well. But, as usual, Orton ruins things by RKOing Show, who topples over, and then Show, in a move I don’t think is actually legal, drags Taker with him.

And now, it’s Triple H vs. Legacy. Hunter, however, knows that he is the second coming of Thor, and fights gamely (pun!) on. But even he cannot handle the sheer dullness of the Legacy, who stomp on him. Seriously, don’t keep up hopes for the Legacy. They are boring as boring can be. Also, this little facedown they have here really slows down the match. Any momentum that was going on has been utterly stopped by the stomp fest. Triple H manages to toss out Cody and Ted, when, in the greatest shock of the night that no one could have possibly seen coming in any way shape or form because it was so spontaneous, Orton eliminates Triple H from behind, winning the Royal Rumble. What a shock. So, yes, Orton is going to Wrestlemania 25 for his guaranteed title shot, and he and Legacy triumphantly stand in the ring in their unified dullness.

Aside from the ending, this was actually a pretty good Rumble. The moments of inactivity early on were made up for by the later sections in which the action was fast and furious, and the drama of the eliminations I thought was handled very well. The amount of screen time that most people got before they were eliminated was nicely handled, and the choices for who was in the match were good. Very enjoyable.

For the whole Pay Per View, I think it was pretty solid, though not magnificent. The women’s match was exceptional, the ECW and WWE Title matches were decent if not spectacular, and the World Heavyweight Championship match was more about the ending then the match, and really, you could have waited until the next night’s Raw to find out what happened.

Damn, I hate Randy Orton.