Requiem For a Kane

With Monday Night Raw having rendered me disappointed, we now turn our attention to Smackdown. The Blue Brand, of course, is my personal preference as far as the shows go, so I walk in with high hopes.

Things are going to start off with an opening match between Rey Mysterio, and Kane. Before the match begins, Kane rediscovers the powers he stole from the Undertaker back in the summer, and incinerates Rey. He then addresses the Undertaker and how cowardly it was for him to try and escape to Raw; it doesn’t matter how many times you come back, big brother, he’ll just keep killing....

Yeah, that didn’t happen. In fact, Kane doesn’t address the Undertaker’s return at all. For a man who killed the aforementioned Phenom, has a history of mental problems, and spent most of last year trying to prove how much better he was than Taker, Kane is handling this whole thing surprisingly well. I don’t get why the writers won’t address this: it’s a very important sort of thing to just leave hanging without explanation.

Anyways, continuity errors aside, the opener is very good, and the two are given a lot of time to work. I always enjoy watching Kane and Rey fight, as they mix their different styles so well (Rey flips about, Kane breaks things). The quality of the match makes me forget how irate I am about Kane’s storyline being swept under the carpet. If I were in a petty(er) mood, I would compare this to the opener of Raw with Punk and Morrison, but as I’ve said before, those two did the work in the Elimination Chamber the night before, and thus will get off easy for now. The ending of the match involves Mysterio executing a roll-up pin, stealing the win. Rey does the smart thing and dashes out of the ring before Kane realizes what happens. Kane does indeed recognize that he just lost, looks furious.... and then leaves. I was at least hoping he’d set something on fire. But no, he just goes backstage to find the writers and force them to write him back into the plot.

We’re left with Rey doing a pose down in the ring, when suddenly, and unexpected music starts playing. “A-MEEEEEEE-I’CAAAAAAAAAN..... DREEEEEEEEEEEEAAAM!” Is it said that the first thing that popped into my head was Stephen Colbert when this music hit? I’m such a bad fan... Anyways, it is not Mr. Colbert, but Dusty Rhodes! I’m not certain off-hand how old Dusty is now, but he actually looks better than some of his past appearances: I believe he’s lost weight, and the scar tissue on his forehead isn’t so obvious. He comes down to the ring and gives Rey a hug. Taking the mic, the most amazing lisp/drawl in the world tells us that Rey is an old family friend, and that his son Cody has no right to accuse Rey of malicious intent. Furthermore, he asks that Cody come out to the ring so that he can apologize to Mysterio.

The Dashing One comes out, wearing a plastic face mask which, we assume, is an after affect of having his “face” shattered. I have face in quotations, because it’s never actually specified what part of the face was broken, I believe. Which I think adds to the situation: for all we know, the worst he might have had is a scratch, and then, being obsessed with his face, completely over-reacted, thus showing that this narcissist gimmick may be bordering on insanity. I think Cody might be aware of this too, given how he carries himself in this segment. He gets to the ring, and has the body language of one who is both incredibly angry, and incredibly embarrassed. For example, Cody starts chewing out his dad for bringing him out here, and caps it off with, “Everybody is /looking/ at me,” through clenched teeth. I don’t know, it might just be me, but I thought that was a pretty powerful moment. For a guy who gets off on people looking at him, to have it turned against him in such a way must really drive him nuts. I think Cody needs to work on his facial expressions to truly ace it, but the point gets across, and is well delivered. He also blames Rey for making him miss the Royal Rumble, Elimination Chamber... but he can’t bring himself to say Wrestlemania. Dusty, in turn, does a good father-to-son speech. He doesn’t yell, but he gives Cody a stern talking to, telling him that Cody has lost focus with this whole “Dashing” thing, and that if he’s ever going to get back on track, he needs to get his head back in the game. Cody does a slow nod, looking like he understands. He thanks Dusty, and then apologizes to Rey, extending his hand. Rey, having not been born yesterday, is reluctant to take Cody’s hand, but eventually goes for it. Lo and behold, nothing shady has happened, as Cody leaves the ring, and Rey shakes hands with Dusty. Well, that’s a first for wrestling! Solving your problems by talking them out and reaching a mutual understanding. It won’t sell many tickets, but at least it tells kids in the audience the best way to deal with your problems is diplomacy, and...

Rey tries to walk away, but Dusty pulls him back. Oooooh, dear.

Sure enough, Cody dashes (I regret nothing!) back into the ring, attacking the bamboozled Mysterio. And a right drubbing he gives him, too. Dusty nods in approval, and, still smiling, goes backstage. Cody’s style of beatdowns have come a long way from when he was in Legacy. He used to just kick and stomp, which isn’t the most entertaining. This time, he drags Rey out  to entrance ramp, and proceeds to grate his face on the metal, throw him into the lights in the back-drop, and culminates with him stealing Rey’s mask. Considering Cody was the member of Legacy who was supposed to get the boot, I think he’s come a long way. His actions in these segments have more of a point, and are carefully thought out as to what the motivation is, and what the overall message is to be. Also, props to Dusty for his performance: pulling off that cuddly ol’ teddy bear schtick, only to so deftly betray Rey, is an act that is hard to do these days, as most people are nuanced to pick up on a stunning betrayal before it happens. This one actually caught me by surprise, as I was certain that Cody was going to attack his dad instead. All in all, a money performance by Cody Rhodes.

And now, the continued adventures of Team LayCool. Michelle and Layla seem to be having a falling out in their BFF club over recent weeks. All things considered, though, this team has been going strong for over a year, and for modern wrestling, having a team that lasts five months is considered impressive. But, all good things must come to an end. What we have today is a match of Layla and Rosa Mendes, while Michelle sits on the sidelines doing commentary. The fight spills out of the ring, Rosa and Michelle start jawing at one another, and then Layla chucks Rosa into Michelle. Michelle, in turn, kicks Rosa, which gets Layla disqualified. The two then angrily berate each other. As much as I didn’t care for the High-School bully characters that the team worked, I thought Michelle and Layla did work well together, with Michelle being the legitimate threat and Layla being the lackey. But what this does mean is that Michelle can go back to being a loner villain, which she is decent at (she looks like she will knife you).

Next up, Jack Swagger and Kofi Kingston. I will never tire of these two in the ring. They wrestled each other for about a month straight a while back, and each match was brilliant. I’ve already remarked about the energy and pure entertainment that Kofi brings, but Swagger is a technical wrestler, who have kind of been forgotten about in recent years, and they play off one another very well. They’ve both improved their timing in the ring a great deal, and know now which moves to use and when to use them, so their matches are constantly improving. Unfortunately, for this match, they’re not going to be given a whole lot of time (as to why this is, see the rant after this paragraph), as well as playing up the idea that Kofi’s arm is still broken by Del Rio. Swagger puts Kingston in the Ankle Lock, and Kofi taps out. Well, that was disappointing. But, bright side, this could mean an Intercontinental Championship match at Wrestlemania between the two, which I am totally behind.

We then take the next ten minutes to re-show Cena’s reaction to the Rock that we saw on Monday. Not abridged, but the whole thing.

...So, if I have this straight, we took ten minutes which could have been used in the Kofi/Swagger match to re-air a promo that not only have I already seen, but took place on a different show? Dare one ask /why?/ I mean, I know Cena is the money-maker, but damn it, we probably all watched this on Monday! We don’t need to see it again! We’re probably going to get a recap of it on the next Raw anyways. Furthermore, /this is Smackdown!/ We’re one hour into the show, and according to my analysis, they’re already doing droves better than what Raw had going for them. Recapping a promo twice in one week, on two different shows, is a waste of my time, when I could be getting presented with fresh material which could further the storylines on Smackdown.

...You’re just angry because I lambasted your least episode, and now you’re getting revenge on me, aren’t you? Yeah, Vince reads my blog.

Next match: Big Show vs Wade Barrett, with outside interference of the Corre disallowed.

...Oh wow, they really /did/ read my blog... Thank you, Smackdown!

This match is pretty solid. They’re given time to work, and they do make it interesting. I’m a fan of the Big Show, but the problem is that in order to have a good match with him, the other guy has to be able to take on his size and strength and work with it in a compelling story. Wade doesn’t do half bad in this regards: he manages to keep you guessing, and gets in a couple of good moves. The thing that confuses me, though, is the ending. Show throws Barrett out of the ring, beats him up, and then rolls back into the ring so that Barrett is counted out. I’m not altogether certain what this adds: usually, a count out is used because the winner can’t win any other way, or if some other shenanigans are about. But Show is quite clearly capable of beating Wade, so it doesn’t make a lot of sense why he wouldn’t just knock him out. I’m not complaining, I’m just not certain why it happened the way it did. After Barrett is counted out, the Corre dashes to the ring. Show, however, is learning, and grabs a steel chair. Knowing that the most powerful weapon known to man is in the giant’s hands, the Corre back off. Ah, yes, another victory for the steel chair!

And now we get a recap of the Undertaker/Triple H stare down. Damnit, Raw... Know who would have been useful to hear from on this subject? No, no, I‘ve already said enough...

The main event tonight is...

KANE! KANE! I WANT TO HEAR FROM KANE, DAMNIT!

The main event tonight is Edge and Kelly Kelly versus Drew McIntyre and Vickie. It seems that Mr. Teddy Long has a strange sense of humour, and angry though he might be that Vickie conspired to put him in a coma, he’s giving her a chance for to fight for her job. If her team wins the match, she gets to stay on as Official Consultant. If she loses, she’s fired. This has got to be the least efficient way of employee management, but it’s wrestling. I’d expect nothing less. Vickie spends most of the episode trying to get people to help her, but her years of wicked deeds have caught up wither her. Not even nephew Chavo will help. Oh, the dark, poetic irony...  Seriously, though, I actually found myself liking this. Vickie is one of the last truly evil characters, who’s abused her power in every way she could. Now she’s being held accountable, and can find no support, having destroyed her credibility, and looks absolutely shell-shocked as she scrambles. It’s really quite poetic, especially because Vickie looks frightened, nervous, and panicky as she sees her power rapidly ebbing.

Before we get into the match, there’s something I must comment on. When the team of Edge and Kelly come out, Kelly stands directly in front of Edge the entire time, blocking him from the camera. Even when he does the devil-horns pose. Kelly, we’re here to see Edge. He’s the Champ. You are not. Stop standing in front of Edge!

The match is nothing too special. Aside from Kelly attacking Vickie with her patented “Jump on top of the opponent, and scream like a loon,” move, most of the work is going to be done by Drew and Edge. Drew keeps one eye on Kelly the whole time, looking like he’s trying to figure her out. The match culminates with Vickie trying to ask Edge to not Spear Drew, only to be speared by Kelly (way to earn that paycheck, Kelly), and then Edge Spears Drew anyway, getting the pin. A gleeful Teddy comes out and informs Vickie she’s been fired. Vickie than pleads with everyone, from Booker T and Michael Cole at the announce table, to a random camera man. Finally, she pleads with Edge to find it in his heart to aid her. Edge leads the crowd in a rousing chorus of Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye, while Vickie exits.

At first, I wasn’t certain about how I felt about Vickie being written off the show. She’s a good character, and her malicious kind of evil was fun to watch. But, upon thinking about it, the character might have run its course: the storyline with her and Dolph being the power couple was recycled from what she did with Edge in 2008. There wasn’t really a whole lot more they could have done with her. Well, so long Vickie. Consider yourself excused.

And just as we get comfortable, Del Rio attacks Edge with the Arm Bar, reminding us that while Edge has wrapped up that storyline, he’s about to begin a new one. What’s that? They actually wrapped up a storyline before embarking on a new one? What a concept! Who does /that?/

Certainly not Kane, that’s for certain.

A Broken Leg on the Last Lap...

The first Raw on the final lap to Wrestlemania! What we can expect from here on in is a lot less actual wrestling and a lot more story building. Usually, this isn’t a bad thing, especially as the stories going into Wrestlemania are half of what makes the event so darn good. I look forward to the stories: the writers usually try pretty hard to pull off something compelling. I cross my fingers, and await the best.

Then I remember this is Raw, and the writers have a knack for disappointing me.

The show opens with John Cena, who, we remember, is now the #1 contender for the WWE Championship and will face the Miz at Wrestlemania. Cena does a pep talk about how he is excited for this, how everything is looking up... except for one problem. There’s this business of the Rock, who, last week, gave a vintage (awesome) promo tearing into Cena, thus raising my hopes that the two of them would actually face off. Alas. Cena talks about how he would be happier about this whole thing if not for the Rock calling him out. If the Rock is going to go and be old-school, than Cena will just do the same. Dusting of his doctorate in Thuganomics (I can only hope that this word one day makes it into the dictionary), and raps off against the Brahma Bull. And by rap, I mean he kind of just... rhymes. Slowly. I mean, it’s Cena, it does the double duty of both making me laugh and kicking ass at the same time (and that’s why Cena is great), and it is a good match to the Rock. But it’s less like Snoop Dogg and more like Dr. Seuss is all.

As much as I love this back-and-forth between Cena and the Rock, there’s something wrong here. See, as it turns out, Cena isn’t fighting the Rock. He’s fighting the Miz. Cena should be concentrating his verbal barrages against his goal and soon to be enemy in battle. Miz gets his own back later in the evening, coming out to discuss just that fact: that he’s being left out. I still enjoy that he has that chip on the shoulder attitude. He condescends against the Rock, saying he hasn’t aged well, and is amusing in his own right. I mean, the Miz really is  good on the mic, perhaps not yet on the level of Cena and the Rock, but he’s right up there. But the problem is that right now, he’s talking to the air, given that Cena and Rock are looking at one another while Miz stands on the corner and yells to try and get them to pay attention. This whole thing has potential, and as we shall see, things have the ability to sway back to the main story in which it belongs. But we really need the focus to come back to Cena vs Miz and their own personal rivalries.

Our first match of the night is John Morrison vs CM Punk. You can tell that these two did most of the work in last night’s Elimination Chamber. The usually spry duo are stiff and clunky, and rightfully so, so I won’t begrudge them a bad match. It’s slow, but it’s over quickly. Punk beats Morrison with the GTS. Punk will now expand upon his story while Morrison goes back to obscurity. This really bugs me: The Shaman of Sexy carried the entire Raw roster in the Elimination Chamber, and now he’s got nothing going into Wrestlemania. Sigh.

Anyways, Punk sits down and asks for Randall to come out. It takes a few seconds to realize that Randall means Randy Orton, and I’m reminded why we love him. He says that he’s given the Nexus the night off, and that he’s asking Orton to come out and face him like a man. It seems that Punk wants to see Orton at Wrestlemania. Or, he says he’s laying down the challenge, and then begs that Orton just walk away from it. Because if he does accept, than Punk is just going to have to beat him to a pulp. So he wants Randy to be the bigger man, for the sake of the Viper’s own health. Orton responds by appearing out of the crowd and trying to assault Punk, who dashes away behind the Nexus (he was lying, the fiend!), and he and Orton exchange glares.

I feel the need to say that this /could/ work. Punk really is a good villain, but the problem in here is the Nexus. I don’t think they add anything here, other than just doing what they did with Barrett for months and just ride his coat-tails. Punk has proven that he needs no lackies to do his bidding: he is the most evil entity on this show. What do they bring to the table? At least with the original Nexus there was the whole “power in numbers” thing. Now there’s three of them, and their threat potential is completely nixed. I mean, they’re in there with CM Manson and the Angriest Man in America. What can they do?

I would also like to qualify something here: if Orton was still evil, and not playing this absurd in-between angle, I think this would be even better. See, once upon a time, I could stand Orton, or at least, not resent him immensely. When he was still the Legend Killer, or even just when he was going into the Viper, he was doing things on his own, and was actually a believable, interesting villain, and not just a glowering hunk of wood. He was never much of a talker, but at least he could fake charisma, could pull off the loner villain angle, and actually had some good stories. I wish he would rediscover that inner compelling for this storyline and try to match evil with Punk. It could really be something. Sadly, Randy has long since stopped trying, it seems, and is now content to be handed title shots and be mediocre. Well, fingers crossed.

And now, we go to our next match... uh, Kofi Kingston vs Alberto Del Rio. Who are on Smackdown. Thus, I have little to no clue about why they’re on Raw. Well, it doesn’t matter much, as Kofi doesn’t even get to the ring before Del Rio beats the tar of him, making a show of further injuring the arm. I hope this isn’t an attempt to write Kofi out of any main plots for Wrestlemania. The guy has worked his dreadlocks off for the last year, and should get a part in the Show of Shows. Also, Del Rio’s attack isn’t explained, or why he was even here. So, yeah, good storytelling.

We know come to Divas tag action, in which the Bella twins are facing Gail Kim and Eve. Gail and the Bellas are, of course, feuding over Daniel Bryan (who, oddly enough, has no story of his own), and Eve is here because she’s the Divas Champion, and thus ought to have at least one match a week. Actually, the Divas Championship, if you think about it, is one of the most important titles to those who hold it. Given that the women only get one match per show, and you can only get so many women in, then if you have the belt, it at least ensures that you get screen time. Anyways, the match itself is a tad predictable, as are most Bella tag matches, in which they pull some shady shenanigans with the ref, switch with one another when no one is looking, and steal the win. I’m not complaining, though. For although I do not really care about the Twins, this storyline they have going ensures that Gail gets to be on the show again. You have to take your lumps with your pudding.

And now we come to the moment we’ve all been waiting for: for a few weeks now, there have been vague vignettes of a ramshackle house, the rain, and a shady figure moving about within in a black duster. In spite of rumours of a Sting appearance, all money is on that it’s the Undertaker, returned from the dead. Which is great, because it’s nigh on Wrestlemania, and the Winning Streak must be defended!

So the door opens in the house, and it is confirmed that it is indeed the Undertaker! The lights go out, the bell tolls, the fog rolls, the lightning strikes, and we have...

Hold on a second. He just... un-died? The last time we saw Taker, he was six feet under by the hands of Kane. I mean, he’s died a hundred times over, so this coming back to life thing is nothing new, but there’s always some kind of build-up to it, or a wrap up of a storyline. He actually lost his powers as Kane stole them; shouldn’t that have affected him somewhat? But that’s not here: he just appears. No coffins, no druids, no mind games. Just a few videos and that’s that? And why is it on Raw? Undertaker is a Smackdown star! He’s in the credits! And, more importantly, where is Kane? Shouldn’t he be the first one to know about all this? What’s going on?

Anyways, Undertaker takes his long saunter to the ring. I’m counting on him doing some serious explaining, because I’m quite confused. Taker takes of his hat, I’m waiting for some exposition...

“It’s Time to Play the Game!”

Wait, what?

Sure enough, before Undertaker murmurs a peep, we get the return of the other long-injured superstar, Triple H. Who... is not going after Sheamus, the man who injured him. And is announcing himself blatantly and without build-up and mind games. If that sounds like the same problem I had with the Undertaker, that’s because it’s the same damn problem! It’s not just a story telling thing: these two are both renowned for their mind games! Triple H is the Cerebral Assassin! He screws with your head! More importantly, I was so unprepared for his appearance that I found myself completely devoid of emotion. There was no hype, no mood setting, just a return. What really steams me is that I’ve been waiting a year for Triple H to come back, and now that he is, I have absolutely no buzz off of it. I should be jumping up and down in my chair, but not a thing. Just disappointed.

So now, me without exposition or excitement, I watch two of my all time favourites face off in the ring and try to convince myself that these two men can pull this off, if anyone can. They stare one another down... a lot. This would be really tense, if there was any actual mood and setting provided. Gah, I don’t want to be bitter about this, but I am! Things gets a bit better once they start pantomiming. Hunter glimpses over Undertaker’s shoulder at the gigantic Wrestlemania logo which hangs over the crowd (how long does it take to get that thing up and down from arena to arena?). Taker tries to hold off as long as he can before mimicking the look. The exchange meaningful glances. Undertaker knows exactly where Triple H is going with this, smirks, does the slightest shake of his head, puts on his hat, and walks off. He gets to the ring rope, stops, realizes that Triple H isn’t intimidated, and that will simply not do. So he does an about face and does the neck-slash pose. Ha! That showed him, Taker! He can’t rally back from that kind of... And then Triple H raises his hands above his head, and executes the DX crotch chop. Undertaker looks royally pissed off. They keep staring, I’m waiting for a punch...

And then we go to commercials.

WHAT THE HELL... Ahem. What the hell was building up the suspense there if you were just going to cut away? Who left first? I need to know who broke eye contact and walked away. That speaks droves about the mental state. I was half expecting them to still be in the ring, waiting to see who’ll blink first, but we’re never given any answers, or a conclusion to the debate. I know that this is to set up for the future, but that doesn’t mean you can sacrifice the narrative up to the climax! It’s bad enough you didn’t give me half a storyline to work with going in, now I have no storyline leaving! I need answers, Raw!

Well, in spite of my crushing disappointment of the current situation, and an outstanding lack of Kane, I do have hopes for this. I’m certain the angle they’ll go for is that Triple H wants revenge for the Undertaker getting rid of Shawn Michaels, which has potential. Again, in spite of my rants, these two are awesome, I have great faith in them, and although this story has tripped out of the gate, hopefully they can pick it up as we go down the road.

Next match: Sheamus vs Mark Henry. Yes, the man who actually put the aforementioned King of Kings on the shelf for nearly a year not only does not get any screen time with Triple H, or even have a proper reaction to his return, but is instead fighting Mark Henry. How about Sheamus and Kane just get together and form a tag team called the “Non-Addressed-Plot-Points?” Actually, a team of Sheamus and Kane would be the angriest thing to walk the Earth, so it’s just as well. But seriously, this is a huge thing for the writers to just miss on. Especially because Sheamus is coming on right after Triple H! We couldn’t have, I don’t know, had Hunter just wait behind for a bit whilst Sheamus comes out for his match with an agog look on his face? Nope, not a thing. Sorry, Sheamus, your career defining moment was worthless.

Even more worthless is this match. It seems that Sheamus has pissed someone off, and they are now making him out to be a bitch. Why else would anyone lose to Mark Henry? But it’s the way he loses that is abysmal. Sheamus had Henry down, gets ready for the Brogue Kick... and then, for no adequately explained reason, wastes time by taking off the turnbuckle cover, presumably to do further damage to Mark. Why?! All you have to do is kick him in the noggin, like you do every week, which is a damn sight more damaging than the stupid turnbuckle! So, having taken too much time and not doing the obvious thing, Mark Henry gets back up, runs Sheamus into the exposed turnbuckle (the irony!), and gets the World’s Strongest Slam for the win. Damnit, Raw, I don’t care if you’re upset with Sheamus over something: you spent all this time making this super-character, and now you’re completely raping him! You’ve wasted your time, and more importantly, my time! Sheamus is young, and will be around for a long time, and can actually be in the main event! Yeah, he can lose every once in a while, but don’t freaking take away his credibility! Geez...

Anyways, we go to back stage, where Daniel Bryan is giving the worst pep talk ever to girlfriend Gail, when Sheamus comes up in a rage, obviously pissed off that the writers are destroying him, and tells Daniel that he’s going to rip his face off and feed it to Gail. Whoah... Bryan asks what the problem is in an incredibly stoic manner, making me wonder if he realizes that Sheamus could probably kill him. The Celtic Warrior storms off. I can only hope this leads into further interaction between the two, as only good things, at this point, can come from it. A) Sheamus will get to fight someone who’s last name is not Henry; B) Daniel Bryan can actually have something resembling a purpose in life, as he’s been without for months; C) The United States Title might actually be contested for once; D) Both men will have something to do at Wrestlemania. Fingers crossed!

It’s sad when the best face-off in the show tonight comes between two announcers, one of which has never even been a wrestler. Michael Cole, of course, has become the heel commentator, and while he’s not bad at it, he really needs to tone it down, as he’s crossed the line from being a bad guy to just plain annoying at times. Any ways, he’s out in the ring to interview Jerry Lawler about his match last night. The evil laptop GM has stipulated that the two are not allowed to fight one another, or they shall be fired. Cole starts off the interview, and shows a really good evil side to him. Like I said, prior to this, he’s specialized in being mostly irritating, but within this segment, he really digs deep to make himself legitimately hateable. The questions he asks the King involve tearing down Lawler’s pride, pointing out how he lost, how he’ll never live his dreams out, all the while with a little smirk that you just want to slap off of him. Things gets a little akward, though, when Cole takes digs at King’s mother. The woman in question passed away a little over a week ago, and I’m certain that even for a wrestling promo, tapping into that sort of thing is way too soon. Lawler looks pretty pissed off about it, too, making me wonder if he was even in on the subject being brought up. I’m all for emotion, but I think this crossed the line of fourth wall acceptability.

King tells Cole to shut up, and that he still intends to get his dream to have a match at Wrestlemania. If he can’t be Champion, then he’s going to have the pleasure of beating Michael Cole. The crowd actually gets pretty excited at this: usually, matches between two non-regular wrestlers don’t get much heat. In this case, however, we have the lovable icon of The King versus the annoying and wicked Michael Cole. Really, the interaction between these two, and the animosity they’ve built to this point between one another, really does make this announcement very emotional and very real. See, that’s what you should have done for Undertaker/ Triple H, writers!

And now, the main event for tonight: a Tag Match with our new Tag Champions, Ginger and Mary Ann, against John Cena and the Miz. The idea is an old one: put two soon-to-be opponents on a team together and see how they do. It’s not a bad one, and can work if done right. Miz and Cena really do play with the mechanics of this one: you can see them constantly trying to one-up each other, and glancing back at their partner to make sure they’re watching. Also, they show themselves to be good at team work as well, doing most of the actual tagging, while the Tag Team Champions do very little. And then, after a very short period of time, Miz gives Gabriel the Skull Crushing Finale, and he and Cena are the new Tag Champs. Way to bastardize the Tag titles more than they already were, Raw.

Further emphasizing the uselessness of Slater and Gabriel, Barrett has to come out and demand the rematch for them. And a rematch we shall have. The second half is actually a better match than the first, with the Corre doing more work. As it turns out, though, Cena is going for the Attitude Adjustment, when Miz sneaks up from behind, takes out Cena, and walks away, allowing the Corre to win back the titles they just lost.

I have a question: if this match was just to have Miz backstab Cena... why didn’t he do it to him in the first half of the match, instead of winning the titles with him?! He clearly doesn’t care about losing the Tag Team titles (and, really, who does any more?), so winning them was just as irrelevant. Why didn’t you just merge the two into one big match? Why do you like pissing me off, Raw?!

Thus the first step for Raw towards Wrestlemania ended up being a trip, with the face of the runner being planted into the ground, and the nose being broken. Things can get better, and have to, because they can’t get much worse.

The Elimination Chamber

The Elimination Chamber PPV. All in all, not a bad show. The matches were pretty solid, there were some great moments, and although the outcomes of the matches weren’t anything shocking or surprising, the story-telling to get to the ending was very good.

We opened with Kofi vs Alberto. For an opener, they were given a lot of time to work with. Most opening matches get only a handful of minutes, and these two got at least 10-15. I suppose it makes some sense, given that there were only five matches in the 3 hour event. Anyways, the match was really, really good. It was a good example of why Del Rio deserves his push, and why Kingston is an up and comer. The pace was kept up speedily, and the moves were fast and furious. The two used a mix of technical moves as well as hopping about the ring and using things like the ring pole to injure the others (notably, Kofi’s arm). On the latter point, I was very pleased that Kofi’s arm injury continued to be remembered throughout the match, and his body language keeps referencing the wound. It helps Kofi look good as he battles through the pain (yes, you can sell an injury and not worry about looking weak, Orton), but it lets the viewer believe that Del Rio can really damage a guy. We had a good mix of flipping about and mat wrestling, so you never got bored with what was going on. Del Rio got in a really nifty move mixing the Codebreaker with a gut buster while Kofi was in midair. The ending was carried out well, with some guess work involved to keep up the suspense. Del Rio tried to lock in his Arm Bar, but Kofi kept holding on to the ring rope before he fell over, and then managed to block the Arm Bar being fully applied for a good couple of seconds, before finally having the move locked up and Kofi tapping out. Very nice.

Then came the Smackdown Elimination Chamber. I was highly impressed with how this was carried out. Having never seen an Elimination Chamber match before, I wasn’t certain what the need for the entrants coming in at different times was needed for, and why the match wouldn’t just start all at once. What this adds, if done right, is that the people in the ring can really go to town on one another in the violence department, put on a good show, and get tired, and then when a new guy comes in, there’s still some stamina and motion in the ring, so that the match keeps up a tempo and doesn’t get bogged down in people just lying there. Also, the gradual release of players into the ring has good storyline potential, as we shall see.

So we start things off with Kane entering the ring. He looks duly unimpressed with the gigantic metal and mesh structure he’s entering, and walks into his pod to await his release. Kane knows he’s not going to win, but he’s going to have fun while he’s here. As a brief aside, Kane has got to be the idol for jobbers everywhere. He very rarely wins anything, but he’s such a piece of intimidation, a great character, and is taken seriously after all this time. Then Drew arrives. Drew’s body language is going to be key to his performance tonight. You believe this man is angry, that he wants to make an impact (specifically against Edge), and he doesn’t care about what happens to him in the process. He spends a great deal of the match banging on his pod, trying to get out so that he can start fighting; the imagery I like is that the pod is filled with tepid water that heats up, boils over, and then when it escapes the pod, scalds everyone. Drew also tries to yell at Kane to intimidate him. Kane laughs. It’s frightening.

Wade is up next. Thankfully, Wade will be in it on his own tonight, being his evil, British self. He smirks at Drew, decides against doing the same to Kane, and goes into his pod. Whereupon Teddy reveals to us the mysterious replacement for Dolph Ziggler... The Big Show! Honestly, if I hadn’t been hoping for Christian, this would have been just as good. It felt like a letdown at first, but then I remembered that I like the Big Show, that he has a storyline going with Wade, and that his inclusion makes a great deal of sense. Indeed, Show, upon entering, goes to Wade’s pod and starts telling Wade that he’s going to be one dead Englishman. Wade responds by smiling, placing his hand on his lexan pod, and mocking Big Show that he can’t touch him. Whereupon Show responds by punching the glass, startling Wade.

This is what I wanted: Show recognizes Wade as the antagonist, Wade as the source of these attacks on him, and that Wade is the problem which much be dealt with. Conversely, Wade is regarding Big Show as his rival, /like it always should have been./ You believe that when Show gets his hands on Wade, there’s going to be Hell to pay. And if Big Show is taking Barrett seriously, than the audience takes Barrett seriously.

So with the pods now full, we have our two wrestlers who will start the match: Rey Mysterio and Edge. Within this match, we will see why these two are so darn awesome. Mysterio spends most of this match taking an incredible beating, but still manages to keep up his speed and moves. Edge tends to bring most of the Hardcore element to the beginning of the match, whacking Rey against the chain wall over and over again, slamming him on the grill, curb stomps him on the metal barrier, and giving Rey the beginning of a laundry list of woeful falls he’ll be experiencing.

The first man out of his pod is Barrett, who, true to form, goes after Rey. He’s looking to capitalize on the injuries previously inflicted, and tries to execute the Wasteland on poor Mysterio onto the grill. Rey blocks, but it doesn’t do him a lot of good, as he still continues to get beat up on. Eventually, Edge gets back at Wade, and slows him down, just in time for Kane to get let in. And Kane starts to lay waste, delivering savage uppercuts, the best of which, of course, goes to Rey, who dangles limply from the top turnbuckle, and is then cross-bodied by Edge. I also believe that this is the time where Rey is driven headfirst into one of the pods, which doesn’t break, and he again falls down in a heap. It’s tough being the shortest guy around.

And now here comes Drew. Again, Drew’s body language is fantastic. The door opens, and he tears out of it, looking to kill. First thing he does is, naturally, beat up on Rey. Then, feigning a temporary alliance with Wade, waits until Barrett has his leg over the middle ring rope as he enters the ring proper, and then yanks the rope up. For a man who’s totally not above that kind of move himself, Wade really should’ve seen that coming. But there’s no time to act, as Drew takes Wade and drives him right through the glass of one of the pods. Now, yes, it is likely these things are designed to break, much like the tables. What matters, though, is the effect to the story which is given by using such an act. It’s not just Drew throwing Wade through the glass; it’s Drew going half insane with rage, looking to kill, bringing a tornado of energy into a ring filled with beaten down people, and driving a major villain through a pane of glass with destructive malice. Remember this feeling, because the Raw Elimination Chamber will try something like this later, but fail. Anyways, Drew eventually makes his way to Edge, and starts to wail away on his face for a bit. I really hope this goes somewhere, because this rivalry has potential.

Lastly, the Big Show enters the fray, and he goes on a bee line for Wade. Show’s not concerned with anything else going on in the match: he wants a piece of the man who attacked him back in January. Thank you for recognizing Barrett as your current arch enemy, Show. Wade, in turn, realizes the incredible trouble he’s in, and tries to evade Big Show, only to get caught against a pod and the ring pole. The giant gets his hands on Barrett, slaps the living hell out of Wade, and throws him through another pane of glass. I like that Wade is taking this kind of beating: it shows that he can take a great deal of punishment, it shows the angry power that Show is capable of, and it adds an extra level of emotion to the rivalry. I know that I spent my last post lamenting that Wade was turning into a bitch by taking heavy beatings, but this is a different scenario: this isn’t Wade getting socked around with cannon fodder only to have Zeke come and bail him out. It’s Wade directly facing his enemy, in an intense situation, and getting poetic comeuppance. It’s all about the context. The focus isn’t on Wade and Gabriel and Slater and Jackson; it’s on Wade and Wade alone. He’s paying for /his/ sins with this beating. With Barrett being the focus, and with Show treating him like a legitimate threat, I feel that this helps, rather than hinders, our British villain.

Anyways, Show completes his destruction on Barrett by delivering the Knockout Punch, making Wade the first one eliminated. Sadly, it appears that this plot point was the only reason to include Big Show, as he is about to be taken out himself. Thankfully, it’s done in incredibly entertaining style, with everyone remaining hitting the giant with everything they have. Rey hops off one of the pods in a seated-senton, Drew gets in the Futureshock, Edge Spears, and Kane finishes things off with a Chokeslam. I always forget how ridiculously strong Kane is; lifting up a 400 pound man is no small feat. Kane then adds to his score by Chokeslamming Drew, taking him out as well. I was disappointed Drew was taken out so quickly, and by Kane. If it had been Edge, then more fuel could have been thrown on that fire. Alas. Kane then gets to have more fun by beating the tar out of Rey and Edge. Sadly, just as Kane seems to be going for something akin to the Tombstone (he was holding Rey in the upside down position, but Mysterio was facing the wrong way), Edge goes for the Spear, driving Rey into Kane. For whatever reason, Edge pins Kane and not Rey, despite having his Rey more directly with the move. Kane, being Kane, does not like that he has been eliminated, and Chokeslams both remaining men before finally leaving.

We’re left with the two men who started the match. Edge and Rey are both clearly exhausted, and writhe in pain. Yet they both manage to muster enough energy to start exchanging moves, keeping the match going for a good while. Like good masters of the ring, they enjoy playing with audience expectations, each man delivering their finishers to the other, only to have a kickout. The match climaxes with Rey hitting the 619, and then going for the senton to wrap it up, only to be hit with a Spear in midair, finally ending the match. Edge wins!

This wasn’t a huge surprise, but it wasn’t a foregone conclusion either. Both Rey and Edge would have made sense for the win, given that Rey has had a rivalry with Del Rio before. As it is, Edge is still the World Heavyweight Champion, and he will be facing Alberto Del Rio at Wrestlemania.

Actually, he’s going to be facing Alberto right now. Like a good bad guy, Del Rio bursts into the Chamber (the door is open now), and starts assaulting Edge, putting him in the Arm Bar, and the ever-useful refs are unable to get him away from the Champ. Who will save Edge now?

And then, the music I’ve been waiting to hear for months finally hits. “GO!”

It’s Christian! And he dashes into the chamber and starts exacting vengeance upon Del Rio, tearing him off of Edge and activating the Kill Switch. Christian looks great, looking like he really means business as he beats the man who injured him. Notably, Christian does not exchange eye contact with Edge as he is finally led away by the refs (oh, now you get the fight to break up, refs!), and thus ends this act.

What a great match! There was a good mix of technical and hardcore styles, the tempo and speed of the match was always kept up, something was always happening, the wrestlers were in character the whole way, everything happened for a reason and had a point, the ending kept you guessing, and then we got Christian back. And that’s why I love Smackdown.

After that ace of a show, we now move to some filler. NXT is going to be replaced by its more serious, more legitimate, less-of-a-stupid-joke predecessor, Tough Enough. Tough Enough is more of a reality show, in which we see up and comers trying to get into the business, rather than NXT’s thing of already being in character. I’m not fond of any reality show, as I prefer a good script in which things are well thought out rather than watching people dither about (which is why I prefer wrestling to real fighting. A plan is better than no plan), but at least it means the end of the train wreck known as NXT. Also, Tough Enough is employing trainers in the form of previous WWE stars to help push the show. They already have Stone Cold, brought back Booker T (woohoo!), and, at this point in Elimination Chamber, reveal that the third trainer is Trish Stratus. Which is great. Trish is one of the women responsible for taking the extreme sexploitation of women during the Attitude Era and giving the women’s division back its legitimacy. Trish could actually wrestle, talk, and was right up there with the best during her time. Also, she’s hot. It sounds strange, but I think it’s important that Trish was able to be awesome while looking good; it meant that women who might be written off as pieces of fluff could assert themselves as serious competitors, and not just act as valets. Of course, one could argue that only hiring good looking women as wrestlers is still a form of exploitation, and you’d be right. Still, I think the complete packaging of looks and skill into one women ala Trish, instead of having to have one or the other but never mixing the two, is something special.

And then we go from a woman who helped revolutionize the Women’s Division to one who is everything wrong with it. Long story short, Kelly Kelly gets rehired, having been deviously fired by Vickie. Kelly cannot wrestle, act, or do much of anything other than wear very little. And yet, she usually gets more screen time than the actual talented female talent (Gail who? Oh, right, the one who’s actually entertaining).

Back to matches. In order to fill the full three hours, a tag match was added for the Tag Team Championships. The state of the Tag Team division now is one of complete ruin, in that there are practically no tag teams. There was an abundance of teams a little over a year and a half ago, but since then, the bookers seem more content to stick two random singles competitors together and call it a team. As such, we now have our champions, Santino and Vladimir Koslov. Now, to be fair, both of these men are entertaining, but they are primarily a comedy angle, with Santino as the goofy one and Koslov as the straight man who usually winds up being the reason they win. They aren’t exactly championship material, but they’re really the only ones left. Except for their opponents: Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel. Yup, the two most worthless members of either the Corre or Nexus once again get a title shot.

Seriously, though: why? These two are not over with the crowd, they are not entertaining, and moreover, they haven’t earned it. These two have been one the show little over eight months, have been carried on the coat-tails of the Nexus storyline, have about one move each, and have not shown any ingenuity or capability on their own. They’re not interesting, and should not be getting title shots. There are plenty of other B-Listers in the back who have been toiling away for years and deserve something for their efforts, and then you have these two guys who get to waltz in, get a main storyline without any ability of their own, and then, as the end of this match shows, they get to be the new Tag Team Titles. The match, of course, was nothing special. Not surprised.

The WWE Title match is next, between the Miz and Lawler. And color me surprised, this was actually a pretty solid match. King was in much better shape than I gave him credit for, the tempo was well paced, and the back-and-forth was very nice. King started the match with a few roll-up pin attempts, showing us that he still had technical wherewithal. The Miz is consistently aided by his lackey Alex Riley, who keeps getting cheap shots in while the ref isn’t looking... until the ref wises up and kicks Riley out. There’s a great moment where King chucks Miz at his loyal cheerleading announcer, Michael Cole, which takes all Miz support out of the match. And this is actually a very good thing: if there’s one thing which has really weakened the Miz’s character credibility, it is that he hasn’t had a clean title defence without some kind of interference on his behalf. To go in on his own and show the crowd his own strengths will definitely help him get over. And, lo and behold, he does just that, blocking the King’s Piledriver, hitting the Skull Crushing Finale (I hate that name), and getting the win.

That was a very good match, all things considered. The King did indeed help put the Miz over, giving him a tough, entertaining, technically sound match, and although I do still wish this job had been accomplished by someone more relevant, Lawler did good. Also, Mix finally won on his own terms, which really assists him. For a match that I was certain was going to do nothing but hurt the Miz, this might have actually helped him a great deal. Whoops.

Which brings us to the main event of the evening: The Raw Elimination Chamber to decide who the #1 contender will be for the WWE title at Wrestlemania. Why is this the main event? I haven’t a clue. (Also, as a random question: when did they have the opportunity to fix the glass on the pods? The thing is suspended from the ceiling.).

The first man going in is Orton. Given that Orton’s defining characteristic is being a psychopath, you’d think he’d be coming in with the same manic intensity that Drew brought earlier. Instead, Orton looks... bored. Disinterested. A complete lack of drive. For the love of pancakes, Orton, you can’t even do this right? You just have to do the one thing you do best (look angry), and you’re not even doing that well. So Randy plods to his pod. Huzzah. Still, Orton’s lack of emotion is countered by the entrance of R-Truth, who has... too much emotion. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the energy Truth brings, but when you enter something which allegedly the devil himself designed and then start break dancing, I think something in the mood is lost. Well, if there’s one man who’s going to be doing everything right in this match, it’s our next entrant, CM Punk. The first thing Punk does? He goes over to Orton in his pod and starts taunting him. He then goes into the pod nearest to the door and heckles everyone as they come in, shouting “I ain’t afraid!,” at the crowd. There, see that, Orton? Charisma. Showing emotion and feeling. See how much more entertaining that is than what you’re doing? Finally, we have John Cena, who, having just dubbed himself Yabba-Dabba-Delicious, bursts into the Chamber, with his amazing ability at simultaneously comical and serious.  

Which brings us to our two men who will start: Sheamus and John Morrison. Morrison will defy gravity throughout this match, jumping of the walls, flipping about, and being amazing. Sheamus adapts well to the cage-type match, given his size and ability to throw people around. Indeed, that is what he does, smashing John about into the walls, while John counters with his greatness. Honestly, I would have been happy to just have these two. The writers keep trying to build a rivalry between them, and they do work well together in the ring, but sadly, they’re never given any motivation to hate one another, or any deep-seeded emotional investment to have a rivalry, other than that they keep getting put into matches with one another. I need something more than just casual interaction at their job (wrestling) to believe they really don’t like one another.

Anyways, after five minutes, here comes Orton. He does execute his patented DDT via the middle ring rope on the outside grill to Sheamus, which is good, but by and large, nothing really outstanding happens. And this, as reluctant as I am to say it, is not solely Orton’s fault. The one thing that prevails throughout this match is long periods of inactivity, where things are simply not happening. Compare this to the Smackdown match, when there is a constant build and constant action. Seriously, with six guys involved in a match, there should always be something going on at one level or another.

So the next guy in the match is Punk. Or, at least, he’s supposed to be the next guy in. But his pod door lock... is stuck. They can’t seem to get it open. I mean, it opens just a crack, so that Punk can get his head out and try to worm free, but by and large, he’s stuck. Where you think Orton would go in for the kill, but he inexplicably waits about thirty seconds before finally deciding to attack the man who is plotting against him. Way to show the intensity, Orton. So, Randy finally starts attacking Punk, dragging him out of his pod, RKOs him, and pins him. Whereupon, I believe my exact reaction involved several loud expletives. But then, the Raw GM, the evil laptop computer, informs us that because Punk was disadvantaged, he is still in this match. Whereupon Punk scrambles back to his pod and slams the door shut. That’s the vintage villain stuff that Punk does so well: talk a big talk, and then plead for mercy.

Anyways, more nothing happens for a while, until we get Cena in the match, who actually fights like he cares. I’m being a bit hard on this match, especially because Sheamus and Morrison are trying damn hard, but the momentum is just not there. There’s a point where Sheamus throws Morrison through one of the glass pods, but unlike when Drew did it to Wade, there’s no intensity, no timing, no... anything. It’s just shattered glass for shattered glass’s sake. There’s just so much more that could have been done in this match that has not been done. The highlight of this sentiment is R-Truth. When he comes out, he’s eager to go. He starts attacking everyone, and gets in a couple of good moves... but then, about thirty seconds in, Sheamus gives him the Brogue Kick, and eliminates him. So, if I have this straight, you took the man with most energy in this match, and got rid of his as soon as possible. Yup, that’s just about everything wrong with this match.

Punk eventually gets called back in, but he refuses to leave his pod until Orton isn’t looking. Once Orton has been adequately softened up, Punk swoops in, mocks Orton’s poses, and then delivers the Go To Sleep, taking Orton out of this match. Thank you, Punk. Punk will now proceed to bring much of the work for this match, making sure that things are kept up and that everyone is receiving a due beating. Eventually, the spotlight goes back to Sheamus and Morrison, in which the two exchange blows, culminating with Morrison climbing atop one of the pods. Sheamus tries to do the Celtic Cross Powerbomb from atop the pod. Let’s make something clear: the pods are at least ten feet high. Scripted or not, falling ten feet is no easy feat. Well, Sheamus winds up getting blocked on the move, and then Morrison begins to... climb the ceiling. Yes, he is climbing the chain link until he is hanging above Sheamus. Morrison is now roughly twenty feet in the air. And then he lets go, landing on Sheamus to take him out of the match.

Seriously, Morrison is awesome.

Which leave us with Punk, Morrison, and Cena. There’s a good couple of moments in this where the three exchange heavy blows. Sadly, Punk winds up eliminating Morrison. It really is too bad: Morrison did a lot of work in this match, and Miz vs Morrison writes itself. So Morrison again takes a back seat. And then, Cena takes out Punk.

Now, I refuse to rage incoherently about another Cena title shot at Wrestlemania like countless others are doubtlessly doing at this moment in time. I am not happy about it, to be sure. Cena really does not need this opportunity, and Morrison does. But there are some things to consider. The first is that Cena is indeed a big draw at the Show of Shows, and to have him in the main event makes sense, financially. Second, they have been building up Miz and Cena for a while, so it’s not a huge shock as it might otherwise have been. Third, having Miz compete against the Superman at Wrestlemania does indeed mean that the writers think that Miz can carry a rivalry of that magnitude on his shoulders on their moneymaking event. Even if he doesn’t win, he was involved in the main event at Wrestlemania against a super star, and that will help him out later. Do I wish for a different outcome? Yes. Am I going to cry about it? No.

And thus the Elimination Chamber. One amazing Chamber match followed by a terrible one. At least the first was totally worth the money, and I regret nothing. And the road to Wrestlemania is finally on the final track.

Plots and Predictions

And so, with the Elimination Chamber coming up tonight (which I shall be watching) as the last stop for major plot points to be developed, I suppose we ought to look at what’s going on, who’s doing it, and why.

Monday Night Raw

The course of the WWE Championship has found its way to the feet of a man who, a year and a half ago, had no business being the Champion, being in a main storyline, or even legitimately referring to himself as Awesome. And yet, here is the Miz, wearing that massive jewel studded piece of gold around his waist. The wonderful thing that the Miz has done with his character is that, as well as becoming more serious in his scope, he retains his loud-mouthed behaviour while keeping a massive chip on his shoulder. He knows that no one respects him, and this drives him nuts. Seriously. The Miz is constantly intense and manic, and when people try to slight him, he freaks out.

But, so far, so good. After stealing the WWE Championship from local psycho Randy Orton with the power of the Money in the Bank Briefcase (an object which allows its owner a title match any time, usually after the current titleholder is beat up and incapable of defence), the Miz has beat back challenges from Orton, his old partner in crime John Morrison, and Orton again. And now, having established the Miz as a legitimate threat and competent character, he will face his greatest challenge yet....

The 60 year old announcer, Jerry “The King” Lawler.

Good work, Raw.

All right, there’s a ton more to this than just making a good character look bad. King has been around with the WWE for a very long time, and has never gotten a title shot, mainly due to his being an announcer. And it’s not like he’s some slouch behind a desk: Lawler was, once upon a time, a really good wrestler, won major titles, and was a great bad guy. And as just giving a nod of appreciation to an erstwhile employee, I can get behind this. After all, they did the same thing to DX prior to Shawn Michaels retiring, and giving Bret Hart the US title as a “Thanks for not suing.” But there’s something interesting to note here: who did Bret win the US title against? The Miz. He gets it back, but the bookers still saw fit to use Miz as a jobber when it suited them. I have no doubt they’ll do the same to Lawler tonight (have Miz lose so King can have the WWE title for a night or two).

Nothing against Jerry, but the writers need to figure out what they want the Miz to be. Is he going to be your main-event, and the guy you’re going to invest in, or is he going to be a joke? The Miz has made himself into something marketable, the writers seem to kind of understand this, but they’re hesitant to make him into a real Champion (which means he fights the real characters, gets to kick ass, and can cope with the Cenas and Triple Hs). I just want some kind of consistency to bolster the Miz.

Meanwhile, in order to determine who the #1 contender to the WWE Champion at Wrestlemania will be, we have the Elimination Chamber match. If you said, “Isn’t that just a six man Hell in a Cell?” yes, you’d be correct. The stipulations added are that two men start in the ring, and four men languish inside glass “pods” in the corners of the Chamber, and are released into the battle at regular intervals. When a person is pinned or taps out, they are kicked out of the cell, and this process continues until there is one man standing. Why wouldn’t you just have everyone start all at once? I don’t know.

Anyways, in our Raw Chamber, we have John Cena (yay!), CM Punk (boo!), John Morrison (yay!), Sheamus (boo!), R-Truth (yay!), and Randy Orton (someone please arrest the people who say “Yay!”). For the last few weeks, we’ve had jostling for position, with people trying to remind everyone how tough they are, and how much ass will be kicked. As per usual, Punk has done the best job. Using his New Nexus minions, he has spent most of his time harassing the other members, and beating the crap out of people. Because Punk, unlike most villains, understands that hurting your enemy instead of just talking at them is probably the preferred strategy going into a big match. However, he’s run into some problems: Orton has taken out NN member Husky Harris by kicking him in the skull and giving him a concussion (impulsive violence is sooooooo sexy!), and John Cena... is John Cena. You can DDT this man on a cement floor, and he’ll pop right back up.

In the meantime, there’s also been some story building. Punk is angry with Orton because, 2 years ago, when Punk was a good guy, Orton and the Legacy kicked him in the head (Orton does that. A lot), and made it so he had to forfeit his match.  Now that Punk has his own posse, and is also evil, he’s seeking his revenge on Orton, interfering in Orton’s title match against the Miz, as well as other acts of dastardly deeds. Kudos for the writers for actually remembering continuity for once. They usually forget plot points over a month old (remember when Orton and Cena were trying to destroy one another and weren’t best buddies?), and so to dig this up and use it as motivation is really a nice touch. Also, it lets the wonderfully evil Punk show Orton, and Orton’s fangirls, who the real psycho is. Orton’s an angry snake, Punk is Charles freaking Manson.

Cena has been jawing off with the Miz, playing off of the storyline the two of them did a few years ago when the Miz was first starting to become important. Although I don’t think we need another Cena title shot at Wrestlemania (the man has not had a single Wrestlemania match where a title was not on the line), at least this has a story and build-up to it. But now, something odd has happened. Something which makes me less certain of what the future of Cena holds at the show of shows.

Once upon a time, there was this man called The Rock. He was awesome. We all loved him. Then he left and made several terrible movies. We all asked ourselves, “Rocky, please come back to where you were loved!” And then, last Monday, The Great One answered our prayers and returned. Officially, his role is to be the Host of Wrestlemania (whatever that means. The actual duties of this chair has not been explained), but in his return promo, the Rock did a lot of jawing off against Cena.

To anyone who cannot appreciate what a Rock vs Cena match would mean to me: you have two great icons. The Rock was the voice of the Attitude Era of the late nineties, Cena is the voice of the PG Era of the 2000s. They are both masters of the microphone. They both have God-moding powers. They both have a huge fan base. They are both amazing. And the Rock has already beaten Hulk Hogan in their Icon vs Icon match. Can the Rock truly be the greatest Icon of all time? Can Cena’s Superman powers avail him? It’s the Five Knuckle Shuffle vs the People’s Elbow in a battle of the worst signature moves in history, and I darn well want to see it! The revenues would be off the charts, even for Wrestlemania. Make it happen, Vince!

Morrison and Truth, true to Raw’s style, have been getting nothing. Because the Raw writers don’t believe in hyping their mid-card. Never mind that Morrison is capable of more litres of awesome per thirty minutes then anyone, or that Truth is over with the fans. If your name isn’t Orton or Cena, you get no build, no story, no meaning. Except that Morrison was the Miz’s old partner, and you could run with that and make it great. Oh well. Know who needs a title shot? Orton. Not enough of those.

In case you hadn’t guessed: no, I don’t like Orton. For all the ridicule that Cena receives about not being able to wrestle, Orton isn’t exactly the man of 1000 holds either. Orton also can’t act, has no facial expressions, and has a reputation backstage for being a spaz. And I don’t get why he’s suddenly considered a good guy! He hasn’t changed at all, he’s still selfish, he’s still a psycho, and has no redeeming qualities! His story-telling in the ring is mediocre, he’s a move-sponge (he simply absorbs his opponents moves with no long-term detriments), and is just plain not entertaining. But then, I’m the only one not cheering in an audience full of excited fans, so what do I know?

And then we come to Sheamus. It’s easy to forget that he’s relatively new, having been on Raw for only about a year and a half, but as he was given a mega-push out of the gate, it feels like longer. Anyways, they spent forever trying to make him into this powerful Celtic Warrior. He kicked in head, he was afraid of no man, he stood his ground, and as actually a really good idea for a bad guy, as we usually don’t see non-cowardly heels. I mean, he took out Triple H for nearly a year. He freaking took out the King of Kings! Surely this Sheamus is going to be awesome. How could the Raw writers, after creating this character, possibly go wrong?

By not doing anything with him.

Since winning King of the Ring, Sheamus has been languishing in obscurity. He hasn’t had a decent storyline, he hasn’t had mic time, he hasn’t been able to accomplish anything, he hasn’t won a lot of matches. He’s been stuck on the bench without any playing time. Hopefully, the writers will dig him up soon, because right now, he’s losing credibility. Seriously, the guy who destroyed the God that is Triple H is now being beaten by Mark Henry? Way to destroy an up and coming piece of work, Raw. Good damn job.

So these are the two main storylines of Raw. Other storylines are either mediocre, or fleeting. Ted Dibiase is having a falling out with gold digger Maryse, and I don’t care. Daniel Bryan hasn’t actually defended his US title in months, instead pursuing a storyline with the Divas. Speaking of the Divas, the Bella Twins are showing the scope of their abilities by resorting to freak outs back stage on Gail Kim. Most remaining screen time is spent with five second matches with random B-listers which than proceed to go nowhere. Such is Raw.

Friday Night Smackdown

Comparing the two shows and there storylines makes me realize why I love Smackdown that much more. They utilize almost all of their talent, have storylines at every level, and very rarely have pointless matches.

First, we have Smackdown’s Elimination Chamber match, which in this case is directly for the World Heavyweight Championship. In it, we have the Champion Edge, Rey Mysterio, Wade Barrett, Drew McIntyre, Kane, and, until last night, Dolph Ziggler. It is on the latter part where things get interesting.

See, what happened on the last Smackdown was that Ziggler and Vickie finally managed to strip Edge of the title and then fire him. Unfortunately, just as Dolph held the title above his head, the real General Manager Teddy Long reappeared after his mysterious attack which left him in a coma. We all assumed it was the Corre, because Barrett’s a jerk like that, but as it turns out, Vickie and Dolph had conspired to take out Teddy so that Vickie would get his job, and then abuse the power to get Dolph the belt. Long story short, Edge is rehired, gets his title back, and then Dolph is the one who gets fired. This is wrestling, of course, and no firing is permanent. Still, it renders his spot in the Elimination Chamber open.

Which means someone else is going to be in tonight. Normally, I’d assume the Big Show, but given that there was no announcement on Smackdown as to the replacement, I’m banking on a surprise comeback of either Christian or the Undertaker. I’d love it if it were Christian, for if he became champion, we’d have the man who injured him in the first place, Alberto Del Rio, as the number one contender, as well as potentially having Edge interjection. For those not in the know, Edge and Christian were tag team partners when they both started. Edge went on to become a multi time champion, while Christian remained in the mid card. To have them finally try and butt heads at the top level would be great.

But, to credit the Smackdown writers even more, every member within the Elimination Chamber have their own storylines going, thereby, as I said before, gives everyone something to do and makes the show worthwhile. With the possible exception of Kane, who I think is waiting for the Undertaker to come back to reap his revenge. But, let’s face it, Kane doesn’t need a storyline to be effective: I just love watching him come out, kill things, and then leave.

Drew has been undergoing some character development that I really enjoy. The Sinister Scotsman has been wrecking havoc for about a year now, and while it’s fun, he can only do so much with it. Starting back in January, though, we saw Drew start to soften up towards a certain Kelly Kelly. Sadly, Kelly can neither act nor wrestle, and was a terrible choice for this role, but whatever. Anyways, Drew has been trying to show her that he can be a good person, but can’t stop himself from beating the hell out of his opponents with great malice, and thus cannot win over his love. This gets complicated more when, two weeks ago, Kelly was teamed up with Edge to defend the Heavyweight Title against Dolph and Team LayCool, in part of Vickie’s hopes to put Dolph over. The plan was, as per Vickie, that Kelly would lose easily and thus Edge would lose the title. But Kelly winds up winning. Vickie then does what she does best and abuses her power in a knee-jerk fashion and fires Kelly. And now, Drew blames Edge for Kelly’s being fired. I have high hopes for where Drew can go with this. It’s one thing to just destroy things, but to have actual emotional motivation for doing so makes it so much better.

Rey has something in the works which is actually more designed to help Cody Rhodes gain legitimacy than necessarily benefit Rey. Cody, being the Dashing one, is very proud of his face to the point of absurdity. During a match with Rey prior to the Royal Rumble, Cody winds up exposing a metal knee brace on Rey, which then collides with Cody’s face, supposedly fracturing it. Cody has been hiding his face since then, and is no doubt plotting some revenge on Rey. Like I said, this story is more about Cody than Rey, but it’s good to see Rey try and help get some of the newer guys over. And that’s what people in Rey’s position (multi-time Champions who are on a cruise to the Hall of Fame) ought to do: make the new guys look good, get some great feuds in, and make the crowd recognize them. Not steal major title shots (sorry, Lawler. I respect you, but come on).

And now we come to Wade and his Corre. I’m actually a bit upset about this. Wade, when he was on Raw with his Nexus, was made to be this ultra-smart, devious, underhanded villain, who enslaved John Cena, took over the show, and basically was made into an A-lister. And then, for whatever reason, the writers pulled the same thing they did with Sheamus. That is, while Wade isn’t stuck in obscurity, he’s slowly being turned into more of a bitch. What’s more, he’s doing it to make another member of the Corre look good, IE, Ezekiel Jackson. The Corre has been attacking the Big Show, as it was Wade’s plan to come out and take on the biggest and best in order to show everyone how dominant they are. This was /Wade’s/ plan. But since then, the arc with the Big Show is focusing more and more on Jackson overpowering Show. Yes, Jackson is very strong, but he only shows it after Show is done beating up the rest of the Corre, including Barrett. I expect Gabriel and Slater to be the ones to take beatings, but Barrett? Why would Barrett even go into a brawl first? He likes to make his minions do his bidding! And then Jackson comes in and saves him, and does a pose down. After all the time spent getting Wade to villain status, I hadn’t thought he would become a punching bag of the group, especially considering /he started it./ While I’m happy that Show is doing what Rey is doing and trying to showcase some of the new guys, I’d rather not have it be at the expense of Wade.

Thus the Elimination Chamber. As you can see, Smackdown’s cast in the Chamber has been keeping busy with depth and intrigue, with the characters involved actually doing something in the meantime and pursuing a plot throughout the entire show. Also, these plots will continue after the PPV, so they’re not going to just be forgotten. And for whatever reason, Smackdown is still considered the little brother of the two shows. Right.

As I said before, Smackdown is still using it’s whole roster. IC champion Kofi still doesn’t have an opponent to his belt, and Alberto Del Rio, having already won the Royal Rumble and thus is going to Wrestlemania, both didn’t really have a lot to do this month. So they got put together in a short feud to fill time. But rather than giving the feeling of just being patched together, the two have done a good job of exhibiting animosity towards one another: Kofi, being the fan favourite dynamo, doesn’t like Del Rio’s cockiness, and Del Rio, being a jerk, doesn’t like that Kofi, a commoner, has even considered himself on his level, and thus is teaching him a lesson. It’s not going to be a long story, especially as Del Rio is going to move right along to the Heavyweight Championship story by next week, but for filler, it’s not bad.

And so, we head into tonight’s Elimination Chamber to set the stage for Wrestlemania. Personal predictions: King beats Miz, but then gives it back via Rematch Clause; Orton wins the Raw Elimination Chamber (I want Morrison to win, but Raw has a habit of not giving me what I want); Whoever the mysterious entrant of Smackdown’s Chamber wins. We shall see.

Ladies and Gentlemen...

Welcome to my blog, the contents of which shall be dedicated towards reviews, analysis, and overall commentary of the WWE’s weekly episodic  TV shows, Monday Night Raw and Friday Night Smackdown. As indicated by the term “episodic TV shows,” I am very aware that professional wrestling is a form of stage fighting, and not, as it were, “real.” However, I still find the form of stage fighting to be a highly entertaining performing art, as well as enjoying the conventional plots, characters, and story arcs of regular television programs. So while I will more often than not look at the matches, moves, and the technical aspects of wrestling, the primary focus of this blog will be on the characters and storylines of the shows.

                Just to get a bit about myself out of the way: I’m a History major with a minor in Film Studies, Canadian, and a fan of sports, arts, and obviously, mixing the two together. I’ve watched wrestling as a kid in the 90s, and though I stopped watching from about the period of 2001-2007, I’ve long since caught up on everything I missed. My favourite wrestler is Mick Foley (don’t care if he’s not a classic wrestler, the guy can act and put an emotional edge on any match), my favourite match is the Ladder Match between the Dudley Boyz, Hardy Boyz, and Edge and Christian at Wrestlemania 2000, and my preferred show is Smackdown. In these reviews, I hope to give an insightful approach to wrestling, while trying to offend as few people as possible.

                Now, it so happens that I have begun this blog at a bit of an awkward moment in terms of the storyline of the WWE. We’re on the road to Wrestlemania right now, which would be like the building of a climax of the season for any other TV show. As such, the main plotlines, which are currently carrying out, started back in December, and we are in the middle of the rising action now, zeroing in on the Elimination Chamber, which is the final PPV (IE, where the major plot points are acted out) before Wrestlemania. As the Elimination Chamber takes place on Feb. 20^th, which is only week and a half away, I shall be picking up on reviewing the regular shows after this takes place.

                Which gives us some free time. For those who are not up to date on the wrestling world, I think I will take this time to list out the characters, major plot lines, and identify some general terms, just to get everyone up to speed.

General Terms

-WWE: World Wrestling Entertainment. The name of the company owned by Vince McMahon.

-Monday Night Raw/ Friday Night Smackdown: The two main shows. While owned by the same company, each has its own roster and storylines, belts, etc. They come together for pay per views, the occasional cameo, and by Wrestlemania, tend to overlap. In case you confuse the two, Raw’s color is red, Smackdown is blue.

-The WWE Championship/ The World Heavyweight Championship: The main belts/championships/sources of glory and power/objects of desire/central plot points for Raw and Smackdown, respectively. These belts signify that the owner of them is not only the best of the best, but he will also get the most screen time, and their storylines will tend to be the most important.

-The United States Championship/ The Intercontinental Championship: These serve much the same purpose as the two main belts (again, each show has their own; the US title is currently on Raw, the IC on Smackdown), in that they offer the source of plot and screen time. Unlike their much more important brethren, these belts are given to the B list wrestlers who aren’t main event material yet, or to more important characters who may or may not have anything else to do.

-Wrestlemania: The show of shows. If this were a conventional TV show, Wrestlemania is the final episode of the season, where all the good stories come out and all the great matches occur. The build-up to Wrestlemania takes place over December to the end of March/beginning of April. This year, it’s on April 3.

-NXT: The WWE’s write-off show where they give some of their rookies screen time to try and get audiences acquainted with the names and faces. It’s not a particularly good show, and will not be getting reviewed. It’s only contribution thus far is sponsoring the creation of the Nexus, a group of angry rookies who ran roughshod over the WWE locker room for the better part of 2010.

Characters, in Alphabetical Order

There are a lot of people on the roster, many who don’t see the light of day, or whose sole job in life is to lose to the more established wrestlers. For the most part, I will be focusing on those with a personality and a purpose.

Before this, however, I will deal with a rather confusing section of the cast, who were once known as the Nexus. The Nexus were originally formed of the eight rookies of the first season of NXT, who attacked the major stars like Cena in an effort to make a name for themselves. This went though most of 2010, but the group had a lot of write offs and additions, and eventually splintered into two factions. Currently, the remaining members of Nexus still on Raw are called the New Nexus, and those on Smackdown are called the Corre. For the sake of some resemblance of cohesion, I will list both the main and minor characters involved in a short summary; the more important characters will be getting their own summary later.

Nexus

Wade Barrett: The original leader of the Nexus. Ran the group throughout 2010, before he was replaced by CM Punk. Is now part of the Corre on Smackdown.

David Otunga: The A Lister. One of the original eight Nexus members. The number two guy of Nexus. Now a member of the New Nexus.

Daniel Bryan: One of the original eight Nexus members. He got kicked out early, the storyline being that he showed remorse for the groups’ rampaging ways. The truth is more complicated.

Darren Young: One of the original eight Nexus members: Cannon fodder. Got kicked out of the group.

Mason Ryan: A new Welsh fellow hired by CM Punk to round out the numbers for the New Nexus.

Michael McGillicutty: A member of the second season of NXT who got hired on to Nexus as their numbers dwindled. Is now part of the New Nexus.

Husky Harris: See the description for McGillicutty.

Michael Tarver: One of the original members of the Nexus. Got beat up by Cena, and vanished, presumably to injury.

Skip Sheffield: One of the original eight Nexus members. Skip was never actually written ought, as the wrestler himself got injured, and thus his disappearance storyline wise has yet to be explained.

Heath Slater: One of the original eight Nexus members. Cannon fodder. Somehow managed to hide his uselessness, and is now part of the Corre, having left the New Nexus once Punk took over.

Justin Gabriel: See the description for Slater.

Ezekiel Jackson: A very large and strong man. He wasn’t part of any Nexus, but it part of the Corre on Smackdown.

Monday Night Raw

Alex Riley: The Varsity Villain. Essentially, the bad guy jock that would shove you in a locker. Currently the minion of the Miz. He takes a lot of beatings, but give him some time.

CM Punk: The Straight Edge Saviour. Punk is brilliant, and I will let you know now that he is one of my favourites of all time. Punk came in a few years ago as the laid back good guy, grungy and unkempt but all around cool. And then, using the Money in the Bank contract, he stole the World Heavyweight title from fan girl favourite Jeff Hardy. Punk then slowly became more obsessed with the idea that his straight-edge lifestyle made him better than the drug abusing screw up Jeff (for the record, I like neither of the Hardy brothers, even though they’re in my favourite match of all time), and that the fans that supported Jeff must be equally corrupt. He then turned his back on the fans, and began acting in a more selfish manner, though he continues to believe he is still perfectly justified in every act he does. He eventually developed a sort of Jesus complex, where he thinks he’s the epitome of mankind, and has a few months of trying to “save” a select few, while beating the hell out of everyone else. Altogether, he remains incredibly dastardly, evil, and has the best wicked little grin you’ve ever seen. Currently the leader of the New Nexus.

Daniel Bryan: The American Dragon. Although he’s relatively new to the WWE (a member of the first season of NXT last year), Bryan has been kicking around the indies for a long time. He’s a really good wrestler with many moves, and can put on a good show, but he sadly has little personality. He’s vegan, he smiles a lot, but that’s about it. Currently the United States Champion, and dating Gail Kim.

Evan Bourne: Air Bourne. A plucky little fellow who doesn’t win a whole lot, but can flip around and be generally fun to watch. Full of spunk and just can’t quit. Isn’t he adorable?

Goldust: The Bizarre One. Goldust is a shadow of his original self from the nineties, where he used to partake in all kinds of sexually suggestive actions. Now, due to the PG rating, he’s toned it down a lot, but he’s still great fun. Wears gold and black face paint, loves films, and is the sentimental favourite.

John Cena: If Jesus and Superman ever merged their DNA, you would have John Cena. The ultimate good guy, John can make us laugh, and then give us the hero we need to get the job done. He never quits, never gives up, and will always do the right thing. Altogether a fun loving fellow, unless he sees someone a’sinnin’. Then there will be some ass kicked. Seriously, though, John is a pretty decent actor. His ability to switch from his fun face to his “time to kick ass” face is pretty seamless. He used to rap, but he’s long since given that up (thank God.). He can’t wrestle, and has the ability to miraculously come back from any situation, but darn it all if we don’t love him anyways.

John Morrison: The Shaman of Sexy/the Guru of Greatness. John is here for the purpose of watching him be amazing. Seriously, even if you don’t think stage fighting is all that, watch some of his matches. The moves he is able to pull off are amazing. Any, John’s current character is a mix of the narcissist, while still being a good guy. It’s a hard line to tow, but he balances the potential for self-absorbed behaviour with his zen and philosophical attitude. Think Neo who happened to stumble upon a book by Descartes.

Mark Henry: The World’s Strongest Man. Mark is currently a good guy, and can be expected to show up at random times to beat the hell out of someone. Sadly, he can’t actually wrestle, which, given his size, is understandable. He’s still a B lister.

R-Truth: He raps, and sings his own theme music. Truth is the classic good guy, who doesn’t win a whole lot, but stands up for the right thing. He looks homely and easy to push around, but he’s no slouch. Truth has actually grown on me; when he first appeared, I couldn’t stand him, but after a while, he stopped being another annoying face and started developing a more solid character, I could get behind him.

Randy Orton: The Viper/Legend Killer. And now, we come to Orton, who has become something of an enigma to this writer. See, Orton should not, under any real convention, be considered a good guy. He started off way back as Triple H’s minion, who, after being betrayed by his mentor, eventually winds up going off the deep end, who attacks people with great gusto, acts like a selfish prick, has no remorse for his actions, will totally knife you if you think it will get him ahead... and the fans cheer him for it. Alas. At any rate, Orton, in theory, is now a tweener, which means he’s an edgy good guy. Don’t ask me why: he hasn’t really changed his personality at all, but now, apparently, it’s all okay. Whatever. I still haven’t forgiven him for his attacks on Stephanie McMahon back in 2009.

Santino Marella: The comic relief. I think I’ve said enough.

Sheamus: The Celtic Warrior. Sheamus is one of the newer  guys who got a massive push into the main event. At first, he was just the angry Irishman, but now he’s developed more of a personality into a chipper jerk. What I like about Sheamus is that he’s a villain who’s not afraid to do his own dirty work. He will talk a big talk and then go back it up. Also, he won the King of the Ring tournament a few months back, so he now calls himself King Sheamus, and wears a silly crown.

Ted Dibiase: The Fortunate Son. Once upon a time, Ted was supposed to be a big deal, and he was with Orton’s faction of Legacy, trying to make a name for himself. Now, he’s just riffing off of his dad’s character, the original Million Dollar Man. Sadly, Ted has no personality, and thus fails.

The Miz: The Cleveland Screamer. The Miz is a fantastic story, in all honesty. Two years ago, I could stand the guy: his character was something of a smarmy high school lout who you wanted to deck. Then, about halfway through 2009, he started to take himself seriously: he’s still smarmy, and still loud mouthed, but now, it’s less focused on annoying, and more focused on actually being bad ass. He’s more of a jerk than a jack ass, if that makes sense. He also now plays up the chip-on-the-shoulder thing, so his successes now add to an ego that was shunned as he came up. Currently the WWE champion.

Triple H: The Game. Triple H is one of the few wrestlers in modern TV who can God-mode and make it look good. The man can play any role you need him to, wrestle any kind of match, tell any kind of story, and make it all work. He’s been at this since the mid nineties, where he broke in as a millionaire character, which then got toned down into just an elitist macho man with a savage ego problem who had the ability to back up his talk. In recent years, he’s taken a step back from the title scene, and as such has become more of a good guy who comes in and beats faces in when it’s needed. He was put out of commission by Sheamus nearly a year ago, and has not been seen since. He’ll be back.

Vladimir Koslov: The angry Russian. Currently teaming with Santino.

Friday Night Smackdown

Alberto Del Rio: Every generation needs a millionaire bad guy. Alberto is a little different the usual money-maker, though. First off, he’s Mexican, and having a rich Mexican goes against most of the WWE’s general cultural stereotypes. Second, Del Rio smiles a lot, and looks like he’s having a good time as he acts dastardly. It’s a definite relief from the usual brooding, angry class of villain. Thirdly, the guy can actually wrestle and put on a good match. With all of these traits, I was happy when he won the Royal Rumble, and is now going to be in a title match at Wrestlemania.

Big Show: The World’s Largest Athlete. As the name and nickname might suggest, the Big Show is a very tall man, who has been around since about the mid nineties, and has switched between good and bad many times. He is currently good, which I prefer, as Show is generally a very funny guy, and also, we need more good guys who are actually somewhat intimidating. Show doesn’t get enough credit for his in-ring abilities; he’s not very fast (how fast could you go if you were seven feet and over four hundred pounds?), but he has a lot of moves, and can have a good match.

Christian: Captain Charisma. As Christian is Canadian, he automatically gets props. Furthermore, he really is charismatic, great on the mic, great in the ring, and can both flip about and wrestle technically. Currently injured at the hands of Del Rio.

Cody Rhodes: “Dashing.” Cody was the member of Legacy who was supposed to be the one kicked to the curb after their break up. Instead, he developed the character of a mega-narcissist, adopted the nickname “Dashing” and now gives out fashion tips, while grinning all the while. Lest he appear too goofy, Cody tends to psychotically freak out if anyone comes near his face with a punch, giving his self love more depth than it might otherwise.

Dolph Ziggler: Ziggler is moving up on the scale of importance. His character is a cocky, egotistical athlete who thinks he’s all that, and while we’ve seen this before, he also has the credit of having the best match of the year of 2010 under his belt (Ziggler vs Daniel Bryan, Bragging Rights, 2010. Watch it. Seriously.). He’s also now dating the General Manager of Smackdown, Vickie Guerrero, thus giving him powers of manipulation. What a jerk.

Drew McIntyre: The Chosen One/ the Sinister Scotsman. Drew came in as the personal favourite of Mr. McMahon, and has been promised to do great things in the WWE. Mostly, he gets really angry and beats the hell out of everyone. But it’s very entertaining. Drew has great body language, and such avoids being the atypical bruiser character. IE, he actually looks like he wants to kill someone.

Edge: The Rated R Superstar/ The Master Manipulator/ the Ultimate Opportunist. You don’t get that many nicknames if A) You haven’t been around a long time, and B) You’re not really, really awesome at your job. Edge is one of those cases where he should be a villain for all intents and purposes, and indeed has spent most of his career as such, but has reached a point where the fans recognize just how great he is, and cheer him regardless. Unlike Orton, Edge can pull off the (excuse the pun) edgy good guy. He’ll totally lie, cheat, and do whatever it takes to win a match, but gosh darn if we don’t love him for it. Also, best facial expressions ever. Currently the World Heavyweight Champion.

Jack Swagger: The All American American. Swagger is the self promoting athlete who once spent a good ten minute promo making up all the different events he’s come first in; these accolades included push up contests, having a sandwich named after him, winning a chicken wing eating tournament, mastering ball room dance, and becoming a Scrabble Champion. Essentially, Swagger is aiming for a cross between Mr Perfect and Kurt Angle, and if you’re going to merge two characters, it might as well be that.

Kane: The Devil’s Favourite Demon/ The Big Red Monster. And now we come to one of the most complex characters out there. In a brief summary, Kane and the Undertaker are brothers, and grew up in their parent’s funeral home (which explains an awful lot about why they’re both so insane...), until the Undertaker burned it down for kicks, hoping to kill his family (because he’s evil). The parents died, but Kane survived, although savagely burned, and was saved by the ever malicious Paul Bearer, who raised him in a closest somewhere. Finally, Kane burst onto the scene in 1997, and tried to seek revenge on the Undertaker, but try though he might, he could never put his brother away, failing nearly every time. Kane doesn’t handle this very well. Fast forwarding through the years, in which Kane loses the mask, lights Jim Ross on fire, becomes even more sadistically insane, has several failed romances, beats the hell out of many people, and arrives in 2010, when everything is about to change. Because Kane finally thinks he has the edge over the Undertaker: he manages to steal Taker’s powers, and no matter how Undertaker tries, he just can’t take Kane down. Kane succeeds in putting Undertaker in a coma, stealing the all powerful urn, and once Undertaker comes back, Kane buries him alive. Sadly for Kane, having killed the Undertaker, the writers don’t know what to do with him, and he’s kind of just kicking around on Smackdown. Oh, and he can summon fire.

Kofi Kingston: Perpetually confused as to what his home country is (originally from Jamaica, now heralded from Ghana, West Africa), Kofi is another grinning good guy who likes to flip about. He has grown, however, in that he now knows how to turn on his serious face. Him and R Truth have really come a long way from when they first started. They’re not just fan favourites now; they actually have personalities and motivations. Currently the Intercontinental Champion.

Rey Mysterio: The Ultimate Underdog. If John Cena is the ultimate good guy, Rey runs a close second. Being short, plucky, and never says die, Rey is identifiable to most kids, who also love his pretty masks. Let’s not belittle Rey: he really is a great wrestler, and can put on many a good show. He has trouble making a good promo, but he really doesn’t need to do it. Just flip about and put on a good show. There’s a good Rey.

The Undertaker: The Dead Man/ The Phenom. Officially the oldest guy on either show, having been around since 1990, the Undertaker defies age, time, and anything other than being completely awesome. Though he has a track record of getting killed an awful lot, he always comes back, more powerful than before, and usually with an updated costume. Essentially, character and plotwise, he’s something of a god who can’t be killed, has super-powers, and will totally break your face. He’s also technically evil and allies himself with the dark side, but fans have long since stopped caring about that. He’s currently dead at the hands of Kane, but with Wrestlemania coming up, he’s certain to return.

Vickie Guerrero: The only women who really has any kind of effect on the main storylines, Vickie is the GM of Smackdown. She doesn’t wrestle, but she’s really, really evil, likes to shriek a lot, and can get more boos from the audience than anyone else. She likes to abuse her powers to aid her current love interests, which leads to many irrational rule changes and knee jerk reactions. Is currently going out with Dolph Ziggler.

Wade Barrett: The only member of the original Nexus with something resembling a personality, Wade has the distinction of being the actual winner of the first season of NXT. He’s also British, so you know he’s evil. Wade has already tussled with the likes of Cena and Orton, which isn’t bad for a new guy. He seems to be back on the lower rungs with the Corre, though. Still, things ought to pan out for Wade in the future.

The Women

There really aren’t that many women on the show right now, and tend to get split up between the two main shows, rather than having a set alliance. They have a history of getting shafted and used for sexploitation, but in all fairness, the WWE has been cleaning it up, and also have started giving more match time for the ladies. Baby steps, but steps none the less.

Alicia Fox: She has frighteningly disjointed hips. That is all that is interesting about her.

Brie and Nikki Bella: the Twins. They have no personality, and act as arm candy for whoever is in need.

Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon. One of the few women who actually look like they belong on a wrestling program, Beth is a very fit, very strong female, who knows how to kick ass. She’s something of a tweener right  now, and I like it that way.

Eve: Eve is a growing success story, in that she started out as a piece of fluff, but has been steadily growing into a more athletic role, and now can put on good matches with a lot of decent moves. I hope for good things. Currently the Diva’s Champion.

Gail Kim: Gail is another exceptional wrestler, who for whatever reason doesn’t get any screen time. She’s now hanging around with Daniel Bryan, so hopefully things look up for Gail.

Kaitlyn: More or less a nonentity right now. Still waiting for her to impress.

Layla: One half of team LayCool, Layla is the minion of Michelle, and usually takes the beatings for the team. She’s really learned how to play up her lackey role, and is now almost fun to watch.

Maryse: The French speaking gold digger who can’t wrestle, but is very good at playing the wicked witch. And she’s Canadian.

Melina: Another of the good female wrestlers, Melina has the ability to bend her body in any shape. Seriously, she’s ridiculously flexible. And she likes to scream really loudly.

Michelle McCool: Currently, Michelle and Layla are playing the high-school bullies who make fun of peoples’ appearance while acting high and mighty. It’s annoying, but it does earn genuine heat. Also, Michelle can wrestle, in spite of her stick like build.

Natalya: Second perhaps only to Beth in looking like she belongs here, Natalya is part of the famous Hart family, and it shows. She can wrestle with the best of them. And has pink streaks in her hair, which is cool. She was originally the valet to the Hart Dynasty tag team, but after they broke up, and with the two guys going nowhere, it looks like she got the best out of going solo. Consider it irony long overdue.

Rosa Mendes: Rosa doesn’t really have much of a purpose in life other than showing up at random intervals and contributing very little.

Thus the cast of the WWE (minus the jobbers, who will be brought up as they become relevant.). Next post, I will get into the current plots leading up to Wrestlemania.