A PG Rated Raping

Remember last week when I said that the yearly draft always made me happy, and a little shake up was always fun?

Oops!

I make no secret that I am first and foremost a Smackdown fan. The writing is better, there’s more wrestling, and I find it’s less laden with the ideas of being the “A” Show and manages to have more fun. It’s more old-school in that it doesn’t seem to have to /try/ and be entertaining and just, well, is. As such, I take any shafting of the blue brand to be a personal offence. And boy, did the draft leave me offended.

I’m not going to bother to really review the show, because it’s the results of the draft that really matter, and the matches were just kind of there a points to introduce who went to which show. I’ll be brief:

-The inter-brand battle royal to start the show was fun, if a little uninspired at points. The result of which was Smackdown won, and Cena gets drafted to Smackdown. Big news, right? Wait for the rant later.

-Eve vs. Layla was all right, though Eve botched a reverse-leg sweep. But we got to see Layla finally snap and beat on Michelle. Rey gets drafted to Raw. No big surprise, as we’re essentially trading one main eventer for another. Also, Cole interrupts again, and I’m starting to think this must be building to something between him and Eve, mainly because the other commentary finally commented on how Cole was disrespecting the entire women’s division, whereas before they were just letting it slide. What I hope is that Jerry switches JR for Eve at Extreme Rules. While I’m at it, I’d like a pony.

-R-Truth gets to come out and explain himself. For the record, I’m still against turning him heel. However, he did his best to make it believable in this. He says he’s spent his whole life trying to please the people, and that last week, he accepted the match with Morrison to please the people. And it seems that all this has gotten him is yet another loss; what has pleasing the people gotten him? Does he have a title on his belt? His rapping made people happy, but apparently, so did his constant losing, and his winning only earned scorn from his friends (see: smoking rant last week). Also, he keeps telling the crowd to shut up with the “What?!” chant. Though really, he keeps talking in beat with it (clause, then What, then clause, then What), so he has no one to blame but himself. I like how he played with this: he’s not just suddenly eeeeeevil, he just feels betrayed and frustrated, like he’s the victim (which he totally is. See victim rant last week. Man, wasn’t that a show for rants?). It makes him more compelling a character, which is fine, but… the world of wrestling is constantly torn between it’s desire to have complicated characters like Truth and the desire to have identifiable heroes and villains, and I don’t know how the character psychology of Truth will play out in the long run. But, for my part, I’m totally fine with how he played this: he’s got a lot of pent up frustration, and he doesn’t want to take it any more. So long as he doesn’t go over the edge, he should be fine.

-Kofi vs. Sheamus was an all right match, but not one of their best. The ending has Sheamus literally walking right into Trouble In Paradise when he should have seen a mile away that it was coming. And who does Smackdown get for their prize? Why, it’s Randy Orton! Oh, good! My least favourite wrestler in the WWE is on my favourite show! Fantastic. Well, surely things can’t get worse for Smackdown, yes?

-Jim Ross vs. Michael Cole. This match, while generally stupid, serves as a good case study for all the right things Evil! Cole does, and all the wrong things. The first three quarters of this match is spent as Cole pantomimes how fat JR is. This is wrong, boring, stupid, not entertaining, etc. Cole winds up losing the match after JR falls on him in a botched body slam attempt, has Swagger beat the hell out of JR, then Cole takes JR’s own belt and start flogging him with it. There, that right there? Evil. Compelling. Makes us hate you for the right reasons. Villainous. More of that, please, less of the silly taunts.

-Randy Orton (who is now on Smackdown) vs Dolph Ziggler. Actually, not a bad match. Maybe taking Orton out of Raw and back onto his original show will bring back the Orton of old, who while still not great was significantly less boring. Orton wins, and we’re told the win is worth two draft picks: Sin Cara and Mark Henry to Smackdown. Compare this to…

-Rey, now on Raw, vs. Wade Barrett. Another good match, with Rey winning, and Raw receiving Big Show, and Alberto Del Rio. Now, this, in and of itself, is not shocking. I commented last week that I expected Del Rio to go over to Raw. But let’s just compare the trade here: Big Show (a future Hall of Famer and always a success at a main event level) and Alberto Del Rio (this years Royal Rumble Winner, Contender for the World Heavywieght Championship, and one of the biggest heels right now), for Sin Cara (who, if fun, is still untested) and Mark effing Henry, who at best is a lower mid carder. That’s two main eventers for a prospect and a mid card. Does that sound remotely fair to anyone? We are all aware that Smackdown lost Edge, and thus really needs its main even materiel, yes?

But wait, you say, Smackdown has Cena! Poor silly fool, don’t you know this is Raw, and the booking staff hates the hell out me?

-Main event is a Six Man Tag Match with Team Smackdown (Cena, Mark Henry, and Christian) against Team Raw (Miz, CM Punk, and Del Rio). No matter what else, I have to say: I would love to see a faction of the latter three. Most. Evil. Team. Ever. Not only evil, but ridiculously entertaining; after the win, you can see a ridiculously ecstatic Punk kiss Del Rio on the cheek, and Del Rio, not missing a beat, does it right back. Hilarious. Not so hilarious is Mark Henry’s freak heel turn in this match, betraying Cena and walking out. Again: heel turns just for the sake of having a heel turn is not cool, even less cool when you consider that the only appeal of Henry is how we like to see him squish things. I mean, if you had pushed him against Brodus Clay in a fight between large men, it would have been fun. Now, as a heel, all he is is another glowering monster heel, which we have far too many of.

Oh, and Cena gets drafted back to Raw.

Yes, for one of the first times, Raw admits on screen to deliberately wasting my time.

What the hell was the point of drafting Cena to Smackdown as a psyche out? What was gained? Nothing changes except that the fans realize they’ve totally been flipped the bird. It’s not clever, it’s not fun, it’s just lazy writing! You heard (read?) me, lazy! You ran out of compelling things to do, so you half-assed a storyline that literally went nowhere in under two hours, and nothing had to change in the end. There were no consequences or anything to all of this, and no storyline was further at all: what did any of the characters or fans have to gain from this bait-and-switch? Answer: nothing! It was a big fat waste of my time!

Oh, but if only that were all! Let’s just look at what the drafts were for this evening, shall we? Raw gets Cena, Big Show, Rey Mysterio, and Alberto Del Rio, and Smackdown gets Randy Orton, Sin Cara, and Mark Henry. So, by my count, that’s four main eventers for one main eventer and two mid cards. I mean, you couldn’t screw Smackdown over more if you had Steve Austin come out and flip Teddy Long the bird. Also, I will never hold Orton as compensation for Del Rio or Show. Can’t Raw keep Orton, and we keep Cena?

But surely, you say, that at least this debacle is only limited to this? Not so fast: there is a supplemental draft the day after, in which the mid card is shuffled about as well, generally not considered worth television. Well, what do we find at the end of all this?

Raw:

-Jack Swagger (upper mid card)

-Kelly Kelly (fluff)

-JTG (jobber)

-Drew McIntyre (upper mid card)

-Curt Hawkins (jobber)

-Chris Masters (jobber)

-Kofi Kingston (upper mid card)

-Tyler Reks (jobber)

-Beth Phoenix (Women’s Division Gold)

Smackdown:

-Daniel Bryan (upper mid card)

-Great Khali (jobber)

-Jimmy Uso (jobber)

-Alicia Fox (fluff)

-William Regal (jobber)

-Yoshi Tatsu (jobber)

-Natalya (Women’s Division Gold)

-Jey Uso (jobber)

-Ted Dibiase (currently, a jobber. Sorry, Ted)

-Tyson Kidd (jobber)

-Tamina (Women’s Division Gold)

-Alex Riley (jobber)

-Sheamus (upper mid card)

Essentially, Smackdown, in one night, has lost their entire main event scene, as well as the men primed to replace the main event scene. Taking Rey, Show and Del Rio for just Orton was bad enough, but to also swipe Swagger, Kofi, and Drew? Smackdown’s entire roster has been decimated: it lost its most entertaining segments, and has nothing to replace them with. Well, I shouldn’t say nothing: Sheamus and Daniel Bryan are nothing to scoff at. But still, that’s three big names in exchange for six, which is hardly fair. I thought the goal of this was to try and give Smackdown back some stars to make up for Edge retiring? Instead, we lost everything that made Smackdown so damn good. I’m especially annoyed over losing Drew and Kofi: those guys were five seconds away from sneaking into the main storylines, and now, they’re stuck in the midcard on Raw. All Smackdown got in this was a whole lot of jobbers and a handful of big names. And I mean, a lot of jobbers. Going through that list, I have a hard time in finding potential marketability, as well as bland ring work... I mean, the damn Great Khali for Swagger? Yeah, no. This is so asinine: everything that made Smackdown good has been taken from it.

Also, this is not a good thing for Raw. I know they have the mindset that they must stick all of the stars on one show, but the fact of the matter is that these shows are only two hours long, and you can only squeeze so much in. And with a main event cluster of stars and big names that you /have/ to do things with (Cena, Miz, Punk, Show, Rey, Del Rio), then you’re going to have one hell of a time getting all the other guys in. I mean, Swagger, Drew and Kofi are going to have to bunk for screen time with Morrison and Truth as well. You simply cannot get all of these guys in the show on a regular basis, never mind giving them stories and matches, in the span of two hours. This means that these guys are going to be stagnating rather than carrying the momentum they had. Also, it’s all the more ridiculous when you consider how much potential screen time has been opened up on Smackdown. All together, this draft has done little good for either show.

All right, so, with that rant out of the way, the world has obviously not ended, and some things can be looked at a little more analytically.

-Smackdown now has the US, IC, and World Heavyweight Championship. Usually, there’s a balance where you have one World Title and one slightly lesser Title on either show, but this is clearly thrown out of whack. The only thing that I can see being done to get out of this is if Del Rio wins against Christian at Extreme Rules, brings both World Titles to Raw, which will probably get them unified. And, somehow, having the two B list belts on Smackdown fits the booking staff’s perception of the show. This might not happen, of course, if they can find a way to have either Wade or Sheamus to drop their belts to someone one Raw. However, in thinking about it, even if Smackdown was to lose its major belt... it sucks, but a belt is a belt is a belt. So long as we have something to write a storyline around.

-The Smackdown women’s division should pick up again. LayCool is gone, and they lost Kelly Kelly. Hopefully, this means Natalya and Tamina get more screen time. It’s a pity we lost Beth, but them’s the breaks.

-Also, if Awesome Kong/Kharma goes to Raw, then at least they have Beth, Eve, Gail, and Melina to battle her, and that’s pretty epic.

-Smackdown has a reunification of Legacy. How a year has changed things: once a proud and dominant, albeit boring and annoying, faction, now... Cody’s nuts, Ted’s a loser, and Randy is a good guy. Huh. I hope this is picked up on and worked with, because this has potential. Not only might it make Orton interesting, but it could save Ted.

-I predict that, much like last year, we’ll be getting a lot of six-man title shots on Raw, just in order to give everyone something to do. Which, if lazy writing (can’t think of what to do with all the characters? Lump ‘em together!) at least can give for some interesting match-ups. Also, this will hopefully give some mid carders something to do.

-Who on Earth is going to be promoted to main event status on Smackdown? Right now, it’s Christian and Orton, and maybe Sheamus. Things can only look up for a lot of the guys: Daniel Bryan and Sin Cara? Actually, on that note, with so many jobbers thrown over to Friday night, they almost have to be given pushes and stories, because, well, they’re all Smackdown has! I entrust the Smackdown writing staff with my life, and I’m certain they can reinvent a lot of these guys. Tyson Kidd has potential, Regal is always fun, Ted needs an overhaul, maybe Mark Henry? I mean, I’m ecstatic about none of this (losing the ring work of Drew and Kofi for the Great Khali is hardly endearing), but we’re going to have to make do. Pity Smackdown didn’t get Zack Ryder: they could have really pushed him.

-Did I mention how pissed off I am that Drew’s been sent to Raw?

All together, this is just a debacle. My favourite show has been raped something fierce, and I don’t trust the Raw writing well enough to actually utilize what they have. Sad days, sad days.

It's All in the (Paper) Bag

So, with Raw having broken my will, I once again turn to Smackdown to salvage my remains. Once again, it does so, with quality wrestling and writing. Thank you, Smackdown .Thank you so damn much.

Our evening starts with a reminder that Cody Rhodes is awesome. Still wearing his hood, Cody comes out toting a cart full of paper bags. As per usual, he laments the loss of his facial perfection at the hands (knees?) of Rey  Mysterio, and then, in a bit of a disappointing cliché, he comments how we all wear masks. But before I can get bored, he starts handing out the paper bags to the audience, telling them to start wearing them to hide their true ugliness. Classic. I also notice that the bags all have eye holes pre-cut into them, making me wonder how long that took. Of course, Cody has a bag specially made for Rey. That’s decent of him.

Rey and Cody have another match, and true to form, they are still incredibly entertaining and fun to watch. Their styles combine so well, and it’s good that Cody can battle someone so, well... small. He seems more of a technician, but given his smaller size, it’s harder to get that across with some of the bigger talents, whereas with Rey, he can execute his moves well and believably. I also really enjoy how they pace their matches, with both men being in the driver’s seat for equal periods of time. Usually with Rey’s matches, he gets beat up on through most of it, then makes a miraculous comeback at the end, but with Cody, he has moments where he is dominating, thus making the match more interesting and fun to watch. The ending comes a bit abruptly, with Mysterio getting the roll up pin, or at least I think it was a roll up. It was so fast that I actually didn’t get to see it. But I do like that they could end the match without a finisher move. Cody is shocked and dismayed, and as such takes the fight out of the ring, into the crowd, before hitting Cross Rhodes on Rey. It’s later announced that they will have one last match at Extreme Rules in a Falls Count Anywhere match. It’s not as extreme as I should like, but if its done well, it ought to be compelling.

We get another update as Michelle and Layla try to have counselling. It goes poorly, with Michelle beating the hell out of Layla. Ah, well.

The next match of the night is Jack Swagger vs. Trent Barretta. I’m always torn with matches that are so obviously aimed at killing a C lister in order to put over another guy. On the one hand, it does gives guys like Barretta screen time, and helps to get them into the public eye and hopefully pay off later. On the other hand, it’s so obvious who’s going to win that the match always feels like a waste of time. I mean, comparing this to Cody vs. Rey, where the suspense was kept up very well, here you just know that Swagger will own Trent, because otherwise, the match doesn’t even make sense within the plot line. Anyways, true to form, Jack wins, and it looks like he and Cole have made up from their last encounter. I really, really hope this is a work, in which Jack is trying to lull Cole into a false sense of security in order to get his own back at their Extreme Rules match with Lawler and JR. I mean, it’s the obvious plot line, but given that this storyline seems to be spinning its wheels, I would not be surprised to find the whole Cole-slapping-Swagger to be retconned entirely. Do the right thing, booking staff. Don’t screw this up like you did with Wrestlemania.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Kane and Big Show vs. Slater and Gabriel for the Tag Titles. I’ll spoil the suspense: Kane and Show win, and I’m ecstatic. First off, this gives the belts back some legitimacy. For most of the last year, they’ve been shuttled about in a helter skelter fashion, from the comic relief characters to the two stooges. Giving them to two established and famous stars means that they’re worth something, and thus treasured. Of course, if we had some more tag teams, they’d mean even more, but whatever. The point is, if you give the belts to two characters as famous and dominating as Show and Kane, then the belts look good; it’s a weird flip of traits where the wrestler is putting the belt over. But more, much more than this, it means that Slater and Gabriel lose. And this match shows why they shouldn’t have had the belts in the first place. They are just... bland. There’s nothing fun about them, they’re not good in the ring, and they just have nothing that makes me interested. Better than this, after the match, the two have a falling out, with Slater pushing Gabriel. Which is funny, because if there’s a guy who’s getting future-endeavoured out of this, it’s totally Slater.  Good riddance, Heath.

Next match (ah, a good solid wrestling show: lot’s of matches. What a concept.) is Drew McIntyre and Chris Masters. See my comments on Swagger and Barretta. This one is a bit odder, though, because currently, Drew doesn’t have a story, yet they are really, really pushing him. And as they should, given that he’s near the top of my favourites list for this generation. Do the right thing, booking staff! Drew wins, and Masters... Masters is an odd cat. They keep trying to push him, but he can’t quite seem to get over. Frankly, the man doesn’t have a character, but he’s far better in the ring than he used to be. He is suffering from the same thing that sunk Dibiase’s boat: he has no personality. Don’t forget what the E stands for.

And now, Wade Barrett vs. Kofi Kingston for the Intercontinental Championship. This is a pretty good match, though for whatever reason, Wade seemed a bit slow. Sometimes, I wonder if Kofi’s style is /too/ quick, in that it makes other guys look plodding by comparison. However, the match is kind of the side story in all of this, as the focus is on Ezekiel Jackson at ring side, and how he and Wade keep exchanging glances. While I do like having these kinds of motivations and side plots during a match, they always run into danger of overshadowing the rest of what’s going on. Honestly, both Kofi and the threat of losing the IC Championship are almost a sideshow, because what we all really want to know is what’s Zeke going to do. As I said, it’s not terrible, and in the case of the rapidly dissolving Corre very potent, but I’m always ambivalent. At any rate, Wade has reason to worry, for as he’s grappling with Kofi outside of the ring, Zeke comes charging up, looks like he’s going to hit Kofi, and winds up decking Wade. The ambiguousness of this is nice, because it keeps you guessing as to exactly how things are going to go down: obviously we all know that Zeke is starting to turn on Wade, but he /might/ have really been going for Kofi, and it’s that sense of other options that makes for a deeper and more intriguing plotline. That way, you don’t know exactly when Zeke is truly going to knife Wade. Barrett wins by cheating (using the ropes for extra support while pinning Kofi) and has a stare down with Zeke. All right, Jackson, like I told Gabriel last week: make me care. Heath, you can just go hang out in the corner.

With the matches out of the way, we find that we are all invited to Edge’s retirement party, hosted by none other than Albert Del Rio! I love classic, dickish heel things like this. It’s made even the better by the amount of glee Del Rio brings with him: not only is he hosting a party for obvious evil purposes, he’s hosting it because he’s having fun. Del Rio’s pleasure in all the wrong that he does makes his character so delightfully hateable: only a true jerk would laugh at the prospect of retiring a guy like Edge, and that emphasis on what a jerk he is helps skirt around the “sexy” heel which we see so much of. Some guys can pull off semi likable heel status, like Drew and Punk (though we like Punk for all the wrong reasons; with Drew, just his strength of character is admirable in spite of how he abuses it), whereas Del Rio is content to make as many people hate him as possible, and I really like when guys go that extra mile, especially in a post Attitude Era world.

Del Rio claims that he has several gifts for Edge, such as his very own handicap parking licence plate, and a motorized scooter. I don’t know how I feel about this angle: because while, as we shall see later, Edge can still walk, and that the aim of this is to garner heat for Del Rio, the prospect of paralysis was a little too real in this situation, and to make light of it in such a fashion doesn’t really sit right. It’s just uncomfortable is all. But, in order to lighten the mood (or at least show that all is well), Edge does walk out from the back, commenting that he can’t understand why Del Rio is so shocked to see him, considering he RSVP’d the event on Facebook (is it any wonder why I’m going to miss Edge with lines like that?). Edge has a few choice words to say to Del Rio, which causes the aristocrat to send Clay to go beat up our fearless hero. But then, out of nowhere (seriously. I have no idea where he comes from) Christian appears to batter Clay with a ladder (also have no idea where the ladder came from), and then does the same to Del Rio. We end the show with Christian climbing the ladder and retrieving the World Heavyweight Champion ship, which had been dangling above the ring (had it been there all evening? I hadn’t noticed).

A good episode of Smackdown: A lot of the matches were kind of just throwaway matches, but there were none that were unwatchable, and all were of a decent length. Show and Kane are our new Tag Champions (it makes up for the brutal shafting Kane got this last Wrestlemania), the Corre is in its death throes, Rey and Cody continue to entertain, and Del Rio is a jerk. Only in wrestling could someone being a total jerk be considered a good thing.

In Which I Yell, "WHY?!" 500 Times

I didn’t actually watch all of Monday Night Raw this week. Not because I was inconvenienced, or necessarily was incapable of watching if I so chose. I didn’t watch all of Raw /because I couldn’t stand watching it./

Seriously, what the hell, Raw?! I mean, I expect you to have bad episodes as compared to Smackdown, but this was just... what /was/ this? Things were on the rebound, and last week’s show was good. What happened from last Monday to this? And this is from the guy who can usually find it in his heart to forgive the writing quality. I don’t get it: Smackdown is so constantly good and enjoyable and fun. Where does Raw get lost in the mail? Especially when it’s /supposed/ to be the flagship show and all that?

The evening starts out with R-Truth, telling us how happy he is to finally get a shot at the WWE Title. Yes, Truth, and we are all happy with you. It really is a good moment, and I could totally back you as an entertaining and believable good guy. I couldn’t stand you when you first appeared, but you’ve really come along way, both in character and in the ring, and now I find myself rooting for you. Boy, I hope nothing stupid happens in the next ten minutes that completely screws all this up.

Oh, wait, it’s Raw. Of course we can screw this up!

John Morrison comes out, and starts acting like a whiner. He pesters and pesters Truth to give JoMo another chance at being the #1 contender, insulting Truth for smoking and... having a bottle of water. That’s dumb, right? When a guy criticizes you for having a drink of water, that’s kind of dumb, right? So dumb that you’d think that the guy currently doing the bitching and pointing out stupid things would be the one to turn heel, right? Because /he’s/ the one being a nuisance here. Although, even if this were the case (which it ludicrously turns out not to be, as we shall see), why the hell would you turn Morrison heel? He’s remarkably over with the fans, totally marketable as main event material, and a good flashy hero that we can all love. Here, he just looks like a moaning... whatever. So even though he’s apparently /not/ turning heel, he’s acting like one. Fantastic writing.

No, it seems that Truth finally cracks and accepts this rematch (under the apparent logical reasoning that he wants to be the most “fightingest” champion ever, and will fight anyone any time, provided it acts as an adequate plot device), and of course loses. You’d think that, given what just happened, Morrison would be heelish. But no, he offers his hand to Truth in an act of good sportsmanship. Um, hello? You totally just screwed the guy over, and now you want to be passed off as the bigger man in all this? Naturally, Truth tells him to go F himself. I would to. In fact, I don’t think there’s anyone who’s not sympathizing with Truth right now. Well, Morrison is doing a turnbuckle pose, and then Truth attacks him from behind. Now, as we all know, when you surprise attack someone from behind after losing a match, you are now a heel. And this would work, if /R-Truth wasn’t totally the one I was supporting in all this./ He came out this evening as the happiest he’s ever been in his life, finally getting his big chance, and then Morrison screws him out of it, and he’s really upset about it. His beating up Morrison isn’t evil, it’s extremely justifiable under wrestling logic. This beat up goes on for a while, just to drive home that Truth is now a bad guy, when he then... sigh... takes out a cigarette and smokes it to a chorus of boos from the audience. Oh, good God no, not /smoking!/ Only the most evil of sinners in the deepest and most firey pits of hell smoke! Truly, Truth has gone around the bend!

Look, WWE, I don’t mind your PG Era. I don’t mind the absence of blood and expletives, and can actually find several good arguments to back you on that. But to demonize a man because he smokes is just dumb. It’s a stupid stereotype to force upon the kids watching. Yes, smoking is bad for your health, but it doesn’t make you personally evil. Some of the greatest people I have ever met are smokers, and they would hardly be considered heels. This was just a dumb piece of trying to use a playbook of “How to be a Villain” and superimposing it on R-Truth in order to make his heel turn more immediately obvious in lieu of actually having to do decent writing about it.

Also, why the hell is Truth turning heel?! It doesn’t make sense: the guy is over with crowd, he’s marketable as a flashy good guy, and if this sounds like the same argument that I made for Morrison not turning heel, /it’s because it’s the same damn thing!/ We don’t need random heel turns from good guys! Superman wouldn’t just up and forsake his heroic duty and start frying people with his eyes. Not only does this not fit with the character and would just be lazy writing, it’s not what the fans want! In spite of smarks bitching and moaning about the desperate need to turn everybody heel, without faces like R-Truth, their beloved heels would have nothing to be heels towards. Also, maybe, just maybe, some of us actually like having heroes! Maybe we /enjoy/ the good guys who do the right thing, because we don’t want to watch people just being assholes for no apparent reason. And what are they actually going to do with Truth as a heel? Is there actually a plan for the character now to operate along these lines? I imagine he’ll be doing some back and forth with Morrison for a bit, but then what? What was the point of completely destroying a fan favourite within one episode?

Whaddaya /mean/ we’re only in the first twenty minutes?!

Our next match is between Evan Bourne and the New and Improved Dolph Ziggler...

Whaddaya /MEAN/ New and Improved Dolph... oh, gosh, he dyed his hair brown. Not only is that incredibly odd after all these peroxide filled years, I don’t see the point of his being “New and Improved.” Apparently, he’s got a new attitude. What was wrong with the old one? From what I can tell, Dolph is now more serious and brooding. Because we didn’t have nearly enough brooding bad guys on this show. Seriously, I /liked/ the quasi-goofy narcissist that Dolph played. That subtle humour was what set him apart from everyone else. Contrary to popular belief, you can mix humour and heel with surprising results. For example, look at Kurt Angle. He was hardly what you would consider a villain, often being an over the top ego maniac with an incredible sense of comedic timing, but was still incredibly effective as an antagonist, with his skills in the ring overshadowing otherwise goofy behaviour. You can be believable without a permanent frown, and chances are, you’ll be more entertaining as such.

But no, this is Monday Night Raw, where good characters die swift and terrible deaths. So Dolph wins, and I don’t care. And maybe I’m jumping the gun on this judgement of “New” Dolph (maybe I’m jumping the gun on Truth being heel), but I don’t see the point of these character revamps, especially when the former product was good.

We’re also told that the Draft for this year (in which the rosters of the shows are shuffled around in order to provide new plots) is going to be next Monday. This is a bit abrupt an announcement, but it’s probably due to the rapidly dropping main event material with the departure of Edge. So, in theory, someone big from Raw will probably go to Smackdown. Anyone but Orton; I rely on my Smackdown episodes for my good and entertaining writing and performances.

Next, we have Miz come out to the ring and demand to know what it going on tonight. Thank you, Miz, you once again speak for us all. He had been preparing all week for a match at Extreme Rules against R-Truth and John Cena, and now he has to alter his whole game plan. Also, someone in the back caught on that a Triple Threat isn’t very extreme, and it’s now a Cage Match as well. Miz demands that this decision be reversed, and that he will not leave the ring until it is. As such he sits on a chair, and we go to a commericial break. When we return, Miz is still sitting there, talking about whatever vague complaint comes into his head. I have to say, the Miz’s performance here brought a smile to my face. He’s just doing his best to be the greatest heel he can be, and trying to piss off the crowd enough (in a good way) to bring life back into the show. But who arrives but... Sin Cara, who is to have a match with Alex Riley! And he might darn well have, too, if Cena didn’t magically appear and act really angry about something or rather. Seriously, Cena’s appearance here makes no sense. He looks like he’s dashing out to stop the Miz from something, but the Miz is just sitting there. The motivations here are confusing.

Well, the Morally Ambiguous Laptop decrees that this will now be a Tag Team match, and damnit, I have to comment again: what is up with the GM? All of last year, he was the Miz’s biggest fan, and now he’s suddenly turned on him to become more neutral. This wouldn’t be so bad if there was any kind of explanation or writing addressing the motives of the GM. Seriously, this Laptop is the most complicated character on this show. I still have no idea why he resigned the Nexus after Bret Hart fired them (remember when Bret was GM? That was a good month), or why he forced Cena to be Barrett’s slave, or deny King the right to hit Cole, or why he’s pretty much evil right up until the past few weeks, when he suddenly has a freak change of heart. Just because the character isn’t actually an on-screen presence doesn’t mean you can just change his personality on a whim, writing staff!

Uh, Tag Match. It’s not bad, though Sin Cara barely gets to be in it. It’s a nice finish, though, where Cena lets Sin Cara get the pin. But have you noticed how I haven’t talked about the matches at all this week? It’s because the plots in between matches are so confusing and dumb that I can’t focus on the wrestling!

Now, to be fair, the Divas match of the week is pretty good. It’s going to be Eve vs. Nikki Bella (I’m told it’s Nikki. Let’s face it, it doesn’t really matter). Brie (who, we remember, is the new Champion) fails magnificiently in her attempt to be pithy, crushingly telling Eve that next week, she might be drafted to Smackdown... and that’s it. That where she leaves it. You might be drafted. Way to make ‘em bleed, Brie. To no one’s surprise, Eve carries this match, and is fun to watch. Boy, wish she was Champion...

But no sooner has Eve won her match than Cole interrupts. Seriously, WTF? What does Cole (or whoever is writing the show) have against Eve and celebrating her wins? I mean, Cole was good in the lead up to Wrestlemania, but that was when we were expecting his asshole behaviour to be the fuel thrown on the fire as we enjoyed watching King kill him. As we were not satisfied in this way at Wrestlemania, Cole’s attempts at being evil have crossed the line to consistently annoying. This is made even worse by the fact that Cole is trying to do both the play by play and color on commentary, and thus his is the only voice we hear all night long, and he becomes vastly overplayed and irritating.

And tonight... oh, hell... Cole is being “knighted.”

In a completely pointless scene, Cole goes through a knighting ceremony by a faux Queen Elizabeth II. Why? So he can be Sir Michael Cole now? Did he need a moniker that badly? Is this to counter “King” Lawler? Is that really your idea of being clever, writers? How long did this all take, about ten minutes? We couldn’t have had a longer Diva match, or develop a storyline that actually matters, or not try and give Cole more screen time than he already has? In the build to Wrestlemania, this was endearing and fun: it is now annoying as all hell and stupid. Cole is no longer a credible villain: he’s a nuisance whom you want off screen just so that you don’t have to hear him anymore. And, damnit, the knighting ceremony was stupid! It doesn’t actually add anything that we didn’t have before! It was a big fat waste of time! And so was Truth’s heel turn! And so is the New and Improved Dolph Ziggler! And the Laptop that doesn’t make sense!

And then, in a fit of maddening rage, I turned off my TV. That showed ‘em.

I’m told I missed Santino vs. Sheamus (oh no), and Orton vs. Punk (meh). Just... annoyed. Annoyed that no one seems to be thinking about what’s going on screen before it goes on. Annoyed at lazy and sloppy writing. Annoyed at the gratuitous character rape.

I refuse to end this blog on such a negative note. Uh, think of something positive, think of something positive...

Draft next week! The draft is always fun: the inter-brand matches actually matter, because whoever wins gets to steal a character from the other show, and so there is a good sense of tension and excitement as to what will happen next. You can get a couple of really great jaw droppers from these (like when Smackdown stole Triple H in 2008), and the shakeup means that you are promised new storylines and new pairings. There’s usually a trend that Raw gets all the A listers, and Smackdown gets either the B listers or the people that the writers don’t know what to do with, but that’s no bad thing, because Smackdown’s writing staff, being infinitely better, helps make those no-namers back into stars. Look what they did for John Morrison and R-Truth before Raw took them and raped them silly.

I’m guessing that Raw ill get Alberto Del Rio (as he’s a rising star, and they want to show case him on their Monday show), Drew McIntyre(because Raw likes to piss me off and steal my favourite characters from my favourite show), Kane (because he’s a big name), and Kofi Kingston (because they need the flash and pizzazz. Smackdown will get Daniel Bryan (because he’s not doing a whole lot on Raw), either Cena or Orton (because they want to give Smackdown an extra main eventer), and maybe Morrison or Truth (just because). Well, guessing is half the fun, and no matter how angry the results will make me (and there is always at least one thing that drives me up the wall. Please consider that I’m first and foremost a Smackdown fan), a little variety never hurt anyone.

There, I feel better already.

All Aboard the Fan Ship!

All right, after that extremely emotional Raw, we’re due to have an extremely emotional episode of Smackdown. Tonight, Edge has to actually give up the World Heavyweight Championship, and of course it’s the saddest thing ever. Man, I can’t quite describe how emotionally draining this whole thing is. I know I wrote my proverbial love-letter to Edge in my last post, but damn, the guy is one of my favourites of all time. I mean, with Undertaker and Triple H, they’ve both been slowly written out of the show for a couple years now, so when they do officially retire, it won’t be so crushing (I’ll still be devastated when Taker goes, but it’ll be a little easier). With Edge, it was so sudden, and you had no time to mentally prepare. They didn’t even get a chance to write him out of the show, ala Shawn Michaels. And you’d better believe that I did the pose along with Edge as he came down the ramp one last time to give his farewell. Again, I won’t go into detail of this speech, because I don’t really have the heart to do it, but it’s a good, classy goodbye. Also, on wwe.com, they have the aftermath of the show, when the locker room comes out to applaud Edge, which doesn’t happen unless everyone thinks you’re pretty awesome. Big Show, Chavo, Rey, and Triple H actually go to the ring and make their feelings known. What more can be said except Edge is great, we’re sorry to lose him, but it’s a good thing they caught the spinal injury before he fell off a ladder.

The show starts with Alberto Del Rio coming to the ring, finally getting another car to replace the one that Edge and Christian destroyed at Wrestlemania, and looks much cheerier as a result. Taking the mic, he gives a pretty good speech regarding Edge and the respect that he’s earned, which I presume was an out-of-character way to have Del Rio come out and give his regards to Edge without having to spoil his heel persona for the fans. It’s true, though: as I’ve been documenting in my blog, Edge has really helped get Del Rio over as a major heel, and pushed him as believable and legitimate. But, that’s enough of that, and it’s time for Del Rio to go back to being the bad guy we all know and hate. He says that since Edge can no longer be Champion, than, as #1 Contender, the title should be handed over to Del Rio. This selfish demand doesn’t have the same kind of heat-power that it should have, coming as it was after a pretty good thank-you to Edge, but the intent is there, and that gets a few boos. GM Teddy Long comes out and puts Alberto in his place. He says that Del Rio is due to /compete/ for the Championship in a ladder match at Extreme Rules, and compete he shall, against another contender who shall be decided in the main event: a 20 man over-the-top-rope battle royal. Del Rio pouts (on Del Rio’s facials: I love that he smiles while most heels glower, and how he pouts while other guys look angry), and informs Teddy that he’s glad that he’s injured Edge and forced him to retire. This kind of comes out of nowhere, as it is clear that Edge’s retirement is due to a culmination of injuries, namely a broken neck, which Del Rio didn’t have a whole lot to do with. But, if this is going to be a plot point now, I’m all for having Alberto as the thing which took out Edge.

And now, our line of the night:

Del Rio: It was Edge’s destiny to retire. It’s my destiny to be the World Heavweight Champion.

Teddy: It’s your destiny to shut up and get back to the locker room!

Damn, Teddy Long is such an effective character. In a time that the idea of a General Manager doesn’t have the same narrative pull as it did in the past, Teddy really brings out the best in the heels (his mini-feud with Drew last year was epic).

Our first match of the night is Ezekiel Jackson vs. Kofi Kingston, with the rest of the Corre standing by on commentary. The Corre’s commentary reveals everything I already knew: Wade is well spoken in his villainy, emphasizing his character and personality; Gabriel tries, with limited success; and Slater is a maroon. Highlights include Wade finally ceasing with this silliness of their teams “equality,” goes back to that arrogant British-ness that made him such an effective bad guy, and drops a hint that the rest of the Corre will be helping him win the battle royal later in the evening. Slater does his best Goofy impression, unintentionally no doubt.

The match itself: I’m still not sold on Jackson, as he appears incredibly limited in what he can do in the ring. Kofi does a lot of the work and keeps the pace up, and Jackson gets a few power moves in. However, to be fair, I think this might have been a mismatch of styles, in that Kofi’s speed and energy and Jackson’s size meant that Jackson had to almost over-sell Kofi, or let him get a higher move ratio, because otherwise Jackson would just plough over Kofi and the match would be boring as a result. Still, not very impressed by the one-trick-pony that is Jackson’s size; being big does not equal being interesting in the ring. At any rate, the moment of the match is when they go outside of the ring, Jackson picks up Kofi, and chucks him at the Corre members. They go back inside, Jackson picks up the win, and Barrett is aghast. Now, what they could (should?) do here is pick up where they tried to go with Otunga and Barrett and have these two guys have a prolonged power struggle (though it’s a bit late to start it off, but better late than never), as the two men are similar sizes, and thus Jackson wouldn’t look so lost in the ring.

More Cody Rhodes. Damn, Rhodes is just... damn. I adore what he’s done with his character. Now he’s wearing a hood over his mask, and is helped by the dark blue tinted overhead lighting, and the low angle  shots, thus creating a greater sense of foreboding, drama, and insanity. Cody explains that there is no sense of satisfaction since his victory over Rey Mysterio at Wrestlemania, and that even should Cody win the battle royal  tonight, and win the World Heavyweight Championship, there would still be no satisfaction, because he would know that Mysterio is still out there, still without the ample punishment he deserves for breaking Cody’s face. Holy. Crap. Now, /that’s/ character motivation, kids. In a show where the stories are dominated by the title-shots, I always love when a compelling storyline is created outside of the Championship scene: it makes their struggles feel a little more real and less attached to the world of wrestling, thus more identifiable to the average viewer. Cody goes one step further, musing that Rey has doubtlessly told his children when tucking them in at night that there were no monsters hiding in the closet; by the time Cody is done with Rey, his children will be haunted by monsters every time they’re forced to look at their father’s face. This is the guy who, seven months ago, was doing promos about how to brush your teeth properly. Magnificent.

Speaking of rising stars who I’m rapidly marking out for: Drew McIntyre vs. Rey Mysterio. I really like where they’re going with Drew, making him out to be a villain who’s simply not afraid of anything. Compare his heel style to Del Rio and Rhodes. Del Rio is an arrogant jerk who’s main motivation is this sense of entitlement, and if you don’t comply with his train of thought, he will do something underhanded. Cody has simply gone insane, and his evil deeds are derived from self pity and loss of what he was. McIntyre has gone from just angry-Scot to calculating-angry-Scot: he doesn’t engage in the usual cowardly, underhanded, cheating styles of traditional heels. He goes in the ring looking to defeat the hero /entirely on his own merits and strengths./ The evilness derived from his actions stem from how brutal he is, how much pleasure he takes, and how far he goes with his attacks. That form of antagonism not only makes his character more legitimate, but gives the heroes that face him a bigger struggle to overcome.

This match is another highlight of how far Drew has come. When he first started, most of his offence came from brute strength, not in the sense of just punches and power moves, but in things like running opponents into the ring posts, chucking them outside the apron, etc. Since then, he’s added a lot of technique and traditional moves to his arsenal and it definitely helps. Drew’s greatest strength in the ring, in my opinion, is that he’s always moving, or doing something. There’s always action, momentum, and a good pacing, making his matches much more interesting than, say, Randy Orton’s, who does one move and then calls it a day. The commentary in this match really helped to push Drew along as well, with Booker emphasizing how Drew just needs to focus in order to realize his full potential, and Cole doing his usual heel stuff. So both the face and heel commentary are backing Drew.

Oh, and, uh, Mysterio does some stuff and wins. Sorry, Rey, I’m just a McIntyre fan, nothing personal.

We have our backstage segment of Michelle McCool and Layla trying to have relationship counselling. Michelle is obviously annoyed, while Layla is her sunny minion self. I’ve forgotten how much I enjoy Layla as the hapless lackey. She really picks up on how to be this ineffectual minion who just wants to do the real villain’s will, albeit with limited success. This comes out even more in the obligatory Divas match for the evening, Layla vs. Kelly Kelly (who else? Surely there must be other women in the back...). Layla tries, fails, and earns the scorn of Michelle for it. Layla just looks so innocent and broken in the ring, stunned that Michelle would turn on her. Which is weird, because Michelle would totally knife anyone in her way; at least, that’s what her initial character was when she first turned heel. Hopefully, now that LayCool is no more, she’ll go back to that, as it’s far more compelling and interesting than the mean school girl she’s been playing.

Edge comes out, gives up the title, I have an emotional breakdown, moving on.

Now, the main event for the evening: a twenty man battle royal. I always like battle royals, because it’s a good way to give everyone in the back some screen time, and the chaos and color inside of the ring is just fun to look at. Also, this one was particularly well done, especially considering they went a half hour with it. It doesn’t feel bogged down, and there’s always something going on, as well as a couple of memorable moments. The first thing that stands out is when Big Show clotheslines Jackson out of the ring, but winds up falling out himself as well. I wonder if that was supposed to happen, because Show looks a little out of it afterwards (I hate when you can’t differentiate the acting from what’s actually going on...). They let Brodus Clay get some points, eliminating Cody and Drew (much to my dismay), and then challenging Kane, and woefully failing in the attempt. Silly Clay: don’t challenge Kane. Ever. He will kill you. Also on the subject of Clay, I believe Chavo takes a crack at him, getting a few cheers in the process, and it’s always good to see Chavo. A confusing part of the match is how Chris Masters keeps trying to put people in the Master Lock, like he has absolutely no idea that the idea of the match is to throw people over the top rope. And, as loathe as I am to say it, there is a good Justin Gabriel moment: he helps Wade throw Kane over, only to push Wade as well. The looks he and Wade exchange (with Wade looking absolutely aghast while Gabriel just smirks) should be the money shot of a video package, if they go with this story.

So our final four are Justin Gabriel, Rey Mysterio, Jack Swagger, and Christian. I have no complaints about this set up: It makes sense for either Christian or Rey to face Del Rio, as they both have former storylines with him; I’m always glad to see Swagger back in the spotlight; and if you’re ever going to get me to care about Gabriel, now’s the time to do it. Anyways, the fight for a bit, and there are some pretty good nail-biting moments; the thing with battle royals is if you accidentally slip up when you’re not supposed to and wind up falling off, you can’t really re-write or salvage the match from what was supposed to happen, so attention to detail is necessary. Gabriel is eliminated, and I’ll confess I don’t remember how. Rey tries to 619 Swagger, but Cole comes out of his box to block it, in an attempt to smooth over relations with Jack (whom, we remember, he slapped on Monday, and now has to team with against King). Anyways, Jack eliminates Rey, leaving only him and Christian in the match. At this point, you know Christian is going to win, but they still manage to keep up the tension by having a pretty good back-and-forth as they try to get the other guy out of the ring. Del Rio, of course, tries to take out Christian (which is a bit odd; if Christian loses, he still has to face Swagger, and surely that’s not exactly preferable?), but Christian shakes it off, dodges a charging Jack who goes over the top, and is now the other contender to face off against Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Championship. Man, that’s just awesome. If we can’t have Edge, surely Christian is the next best thing. If he winds up winning... oh, damn, the emotional high that will be experienced...

So that was Smackdown for this week. Obviously, it was a more dramatic episode than we usually get, but I’m glad that it was limited, and that we didn’t have “The Best of Edge” video packages. Not only would that have made it unbearable to sit through (in a mourning sort of way, not quality based), but it would have slowed down the show a great deal. Instead, we had a really solid match with Rey and Drew, Cody got to develop his character, we’ve seen the end of LayCool, the battle royal was fun, and Christian is getting a title shot.

Ah, heck, it bears saying one more time: Thank you Edge.

Nothing but the Truth: Thank You, Edge

Edge has retired.

It appears that the injuries compiled over his career, specifically the time he broke his neck, have finally become insurmountable. He’s been in pain for a while, at times unable to feel his arms, and last week underwent a final check-up of his condition. The Doctors informed him that his spine is in critical condition, and if he wants to continue to walk for the rest of his life, he can no longer wrestle.

This is a pretty heavy blow to me. Edge is my second favourite wrestler of all time, second only to Mick Foley. He was the reason I came back to wrestling after a lengthy absence. It was during the build to Wrestlemania 24, and I tuned in to Smackdown just for kicks. Edge and Vickie were holding a eulogy for the Undertaker’s undefeated streak, and Edge was at his gleeful evil best, acting every part the total asshole that his heel-persona was, and being totally awesome at it. The charisma and, well, fun that he brought to this segment was enough to get me re-hooked. That’s how good this guy is.

Edge was the complete package. He could do everything that wrestling should be: he could have a technical match, high flying match, hardcore match, tag match, battle royal, cage match, and every other stipulation you could think of. What’s more, he could do them all exceptionally well. He was great on the mic, and better than that, the guy could act. I still hold that Edge has the best facial expressions the business has ever seen. When he was cowardly, he would go bug eyed and cringe. When he was insane, he would drop that brow to a glare, and put on that wolf-like smile as he waited to pounce. When he was a good guy, he could be laid back, witty, funny, and the kind of guy you’d want to hang out with. His promos were great, whether they were him and Christian telling Kurt Angle to go break Triple H’s never-ending nose, and that then they’d have cake; or yelling at the audience that they were a bunch of “wrong-turtles,”; Lambasting Foley as a washed up hack who cost him the WWE Title; beating up John Cena’s father; telling Chris Jericho, as he laid on his couch with a snapped Achilles tendon, that he would be back; carting Paul Bearer around in a wheel chair for a month. Every time this guy got to have a segment, it was instantly memorable.

It doesn’t hurt that he’s been involved in most of my favourite matches of all time. Edge & Christian vs. The Hardy Boyz vs. The Dudleys in their Ladder Match at Wrestlemania 2000; Edge vs. Mick Foley in a Hardcore Match; Edge vs. Undertaker, Hell in a Cell; Edge vs. Randy Orton for the Intercontinental Championship; and most recently, the 2011 Smackdown Elimination Chamber. The guy was just  great to watch: the skills he had within the ring, combined with his incredible awareness of his character, a fantastic sense of timing, the ability to be both the face and the heel… what more can you say other than Edge was awesome?

It’s sucky to see him go in any rate, but be that as it may, I’m glad that they caught the threat of paralysis before it became unavoidable, and that Edge can still walk. He gets to leave on a high note, having, in my opinion, the best match of Wrestlemania 27, and walks away as World Heavyweight Champion. He’s given us 13 years of some of the best wrestling moments I certainly remember, and all that remains to be said is: Thank you, Edge.

…Oh, right, the rest of the show.

We open with John Cena, here to hype the match between him and the Rock. Yes, you read that right: John Cena vs. The Rock. The match that everyone has been dying for years to see. A battle between two icons, the symbols of their generations. Two men adored by fans and popular culture. A match that will take place…

…in a year.

This monumental match is going to be taking place at Wrestlemania 28, April 1, 2012. We`re going to have to wait an entire year. It`s not the match I object to, or the fact that its taking place next year; it only makes sense that it occur at a Wrestlemania. What I object to is the fact that they announced it the day after Wrestlemania 27. I think the intent was to apologize for a relatively poor Wrestlemania, and promise that the next one will be better, but the effect was telling the fans that last night was a total waste of time, and that the real deal is yet to come. It`s holding a carrot in front of our noses and hope we keep running. More importantly to me, this was a terrible way to write this match into being. It`s not impossible to take a year to hype a match from one Wrestlemania to the next, with Randy Savage vs. Hulk Hogan being the obvious example. But at least there, you built on it slowly, have the grudges grow to the boiling point, and even though everyone knew what the final outcome would be, it was treated with the grace of narrative arc, not just skipping right to the end. Now they have nothing to build with to get us to Cena/Rock, because they jumped the gun of potential drama and climax and went right to the end.

Cena informs us how he will be biding his time until next year, however: he thinks that his match with the Rock should be for the WWE title, and as such, he must become Champion again. Well, half a plot is better than no plot at all. Sadly for John, out comes Randy Orton, who thinks that John has already had his shot against the Miz at Wrestlemania, and that he ought to get to the back of the line. Which is funny, because the Miz has already beaten Orton twice in defending the title, so he’s not in much of a position to talk. Alas. John Morrison also comes out of the back, and in the line of the night, says, “John Cena and Randy Orton fighting for the #1 Contenders spot. I’ve seen this show before.” As have we all. Now, as happy as I’d be for Morrison vs. Miz, Miz has already beaten him in defending the title too. Shouldn’t /all/ of these guys be at the back of the line?

Not to be outdone, Vickie Guerrero and her valet, Dolph Ziggler… uh, wait… Dolph Ziggler and his manager Vickie Guerrero come out, where upon Vickie informs them all that if anyone deserves a title shot… it’s her! You know what, Vickie? You’re kind of right about that. Dolph tries to say something, but is interrupted by our final surprise appearance: R-Truth! Huh! Truth has kind of been AWOL for the last little bit, and the sudden insertion into the title scene is a bit… odd. He makes a good point when he says that out of all of them, he’s the only one who’s never been given a one-on-one title shot. Which is true, and I have to say, Truth really has come a long way from when he first started. I couldn’t stand the guy when he started, but now, he’s picked up some moves, he doesn’t flip around as much, he can put on his serious face when he needs to, and he’s over with the crowd. I don’t think he’s main event material yet, and you couldn’t base the show around him until he gets more depth to his character, but he’s a good draw.

With all of this kerfuffle going on in the ring, what is to be done? Luckily, the Evil (Benevolent? He seems to be getting toned down) Raw GM Laptop announces that the #1 contender will be decided tonight in a convoluted stipulation: a five man gauntlet match. Two people will start the match, and after one is pinned, the next wrestler will enter, until the end, where one man will have outlasted the other. Why this couldn’t have been done in a battle royal, or something slightly less confusing, is unclear.

So we go to our first match of the night: One of the Bellas (there’s really no point in giving them names) vs. Eve for the Divas Title. What’s that, you ask? What was the story leading up to this improper title match? There was none. Just another completely random day in Diva land. No idea why the Bellas are the ones to get the challenge, no idea why Eve accepts, no idea of much of anything. Long story short, Bella 1 manages to win, with some assistance from Bella 2. Fine, whatever: every other woman on the roster has got to hold the title, they should to. What bugs me here is how this is a total shaft to Eve: they gave her the title at the Rumble, and then proceeded to never let her have screen time, a good feud, a decent title defence, or a match at Wrestlemania. This is too bad, because Eve is actually pretty solid: she’s good in the ring, she has a good on-screen presence, she actually has a personality, she’s well spoken.

Now, having said that, we get into some intrigue for the women’s division, something they’ve never encountered before: an actual plot (gasp!). Eve is in the locker room, looking livid, and when Gail tries to console her, Eve cries bull-crap on her, and that the problem with the Divas is that they all just hang around like vultures waiting for their turn to grab the championship (it’s funny, because it’s true!). Natalya also appears, and gets much of the same response from Eve, who storms off, leaving the perplexed Divas wondering what’s going on. This is all highlighted by a video promo of a close up of a Bratz doll, which proceeds to have it’s head flicked off, accompanied by maniacal cackling. As an avid advocate (four A’s in a row…) for the betterment of the women’s division in the WWE, I support this plot.

And now, the in ring debut of the much  ballyhooed Sin Cara. Now, I’m always something of a cynic when it comes to the introduction of “big names.” I don’t really pay much attention to independent or foreign wrestling, and so I’m out of the loop a lot, and as such, was not as excited at the signing of Sin Cara (formerly Mistico) as others. But, color me surprised, if I wasn’t excited before, I am now. His match tonight was against Primo, and it was pretty damn good. What I liked about this match was that it wasn’t a squash-match; usually when the WWE wants to create a new superstar, they let them mow over people with ease. But this was a great back-and-forth match. Sin Cara was not afraid to sell Primo’s moves, created drama, which made his perseverance and sparks of offense all the more effective. Also, he wasn’t just flipping around, though his aerial moves were indeed impressive. The timing of the match was just very well carried out, with Sin Cara being beaten on for just the right amount of time before mounting a comeback, which was both believable in its execution and fun to watch. And the finish, with that moonsault off the top rope while taking Primo with him, was fantastic, though I wonder how he’ll be able to do that against the larger wrestlers. All in all, it’s good to have Sin Cara on board. All I’m concerned about it personality. I need a reason to care about the character, amazing or not.

Out next, we have the Corre, about to signal something I’ve been waiting months to see happen. Wade indicates that their attempted assault on the Rock and Cena last week was not in any way his fault, and that the rest of them had better pull their socks up (it’s funny, because it’s true!). Gabriel, Slater, and Jackson then try to make their own claims as to why they’re the reason the Corre has succeeded, but no one is buying it. Face it, boys, without the sole personality of Wade Barrett, no one would even know who you are. Especially Gabriel and Slater, whom I still can’t believe didn’t get the chop in the Nexus (whatever happened to Skip Sheffield? I kind of liked him). Well, no time for bickering, because we have the sudden appearance of APPLE: The Allied People Powered by Loathing EverythingthattheCorrestandsfor! …uh, it’s as silly as it sounds. It’s a group formed of Santino (of course. Who did you /think/ would be in a group called APPLE?), Evan Bourne (welcome back!), Mark Henry (why not?) and Daniel Bryan (ouch… delegated to the comedy section. That’s pretty harsh, Dan). Well the match itself is all right, with the remarkably shocking and never at all predictable ending of the Corre cheating to get the win. Wade, just knife them! Escape while you can!

Next match: Jerry “The King” Lawler vs. Jack Swagger. It seems that if King wins this match, he gets to decide the stipulation for his rematch with Cole at the next PPV, Extreme Rules. However,  if Swagger wins, then Cole never has to fight King again, and can retire undefeated (never mind that Cole has been forced into matches in the past, and lost. Oh, continuity). To even the odds, King has good ol’ JR in his corner. It’s always fun to see JR, who, upon entering the arena, makes a bee line for Cole’s safety box and tries to break in, while Cole cowers. The match eventually starts, and it’s actually pretty good. In spite of my accusations that King didn’t have it anymore back in February, he has definitely got some gas left in the tank, and him and Swagger work well together. This all would have been so much better if Cole wasn’t insisting on doing commentary while at ring side. It seems that Cole believes that repeating the same line over and over and over and over and over and over is a good idea. It is not. After hearing “Give up, Lawler!” repeated 100x in a minute, the moment when JR finally goes over to Cole and punches him got an audible cheer out of me. The end of the match has Cole trying to interfere, getting stopped by JR, distracting Swagger, and having King roll him up for the pin. What I particularly like about this ending is that the loss is not Swagger’s fault, and that it doesn’t involve him looking bad: he’s been in danger of losing credibility in all this, but I think it’s avoided.

Well, Cole berates Swagger for losing the match, and slaps him. Swagger starts to fume, and advances towards the fleeing Cole, much to the delight of the crowd. If you were planning on turning Swagger into a face, this is the way to do it: not only has he been betrayed, but it’s done by the rat that everyone hates. The audience is totally backing Swagger here to kill Cole (aren’t we all?). To this end, Lawler announces his decision for their rematch at Extreme Rules: it will be a tag match (that’s not extreme…), with Lawler and JR (uh, cool, but I think having an actual wrestler would have been a better idea), vs. Cole and the now disgruntled Jack Swagger. Now, this promises to be the payoff that I wanted at Wrestlemania: three men who are royally pissed off at Cole, thus promising the beat-down he deserves. Don’t screw around with this one, bookers! Give the fans what we want! Give us the head of Michael Cole!

It is here that we have the retirement speech of Edge. It doesn’t hurt to say one more time: Thank you, Edge.

Main Event time. Starting out gauntlet match is Orton and Dolph. Nothing special here, except the ending, where the Nexus appears (and here I thought they had died. So much for hoping), distracting Randy, allowing Ziggler to win. And what would an appearance by the Nexus be without copious amounts of stomping? One day, those kids are going to have to learn some more moves.

Anyways, next man is R-Truth. Truth will be impressive in showing tonight, giving us an in-ring ability that I would not have expected three years ago. More importantly, he now has a half-decent finisher, which appears to be a mix of Jericho’s Codebreaker and Shelton Benjamin’s Paydirt. I’ll take anything over the ineffectual corkscrew crossbody (that wouldn’t do anything!). Truth wins, and has much of the same success against John Morrison. Moment of fate comes, however, when he has to face John Cena. I think it’s pretty bold to do a face vs. face here, as it more or less tries to get the crowd over with Truth at the expense of Cena (all of those people chanting “Cena sucks!” are going to be subconsciously cheering for Truth, whether they know it or not. Clever WWE…). The two of them get along pretty good in the ring, putting on a good show, until Miz and Alex Riley attack both competitors to earn the double disqualification. For it seems that the Miz has decided if both men are disqualified, then there shall be no #1 contender, and thus his title is safe (also of note: while Miz was one commentary during this match, he was putting on his serious/worried heel face when R-Truth was doing well. They are really trying to push Truth, aren’t they?). Unfortunately for the Miz, the Morally Ambiguous Laptop announces that as a result of the Miz’s actions, there are now two contenders for his title: R-Truth and John Cena, who will face the Miz at Extreme Rules in a Triple Threat match (that is also not extreme! What is the point of having a PPV named Extreme Rules when nothing extreme is happening?). I support this decision: they are trying to push Truth, but recognize his limitations, and are putting him with Cena in order to draw a crowd, while still giving Truth screen time. Also, this all goes into the plan of getting their younger kids into the title picture, something which is becoming increasingly urgent (in the last year, they’ve lost Batista, Shawn Michaels, Jericho, more or less Triple H and Undertaker, and now Edge. It’s never been so good to be young).

This was a really good episode of Raw. I like the decision to push Truth, the Divas are getting a plot, there’s promise of Cole getting destroyed, Sin Cara was impressive. What more could you ask for?

Thank you, Edge.

Wrestlemania 27

It’s been nearly a week since Wrestlemania 27 before I started writing a recap, and think that the time delay was necessary, as it took a week to get all of the sensationalism and emotions out of the head and to actually think about the show. By and large, I believe the word to best sum up this Wrestlemania is: disappointing. Not bad, not unwatchable, but disappointing. The potential was there for this to be a great Wrestlemania, with the matches and plot lines going in, and there were certainly a couple of good, solid matches. But by and large, the whole show never clicked. The timing seemed off (as we shall see), there were a lot of gaps in between matches (which made the whole show seem slower), the wrestlers seemed almost lacklustre themselves at times, and most of all, there were a ton of really confusing moments. Moments that made you look at the screen with your head atilt and wonder, “What’s going on? Do /they/ even know?” If Wrestlemania 27 were a sandwich, it didn’t taste too bad, but it left you still hungry.

It didn’t help that this mind-bending started at the beginning of the evening. After the usual detonation of the fireworks, we are introduced to our host for the evening, the Rock. I still have no real idea what his role as host, and the powers invested in him, actually mandate. At any rate, the Great One comes out to get the crowd pumped up, as he is wont to do. And he does a pretty good job, using the usual Rock hyperbole. But then, he kind of... just keeps going. For, like, ten minutes (I didn’t time it, but it seemed to go on for that long). It didn’t help that he kept taking extremely long breaks in between talking, in which I believe he was trying to get a feel for the crowd, but couldn’t pick up anything (the crowd kind of sucked this year). So we had moments of the Rock stopping to drink some water, trying to get the people to chant about the water, and having typed that sentence and seeing how absurd it is, I think you can get the idea that Rock kind of missed the beat. There was also the start of a Fruity Pebbles chant (I can’t believe I just typed that...), and Rock was waiting for it to grow, but it didn’t, and so that just added more time on to the clock. So at the beginning of Wrestlemania, we had the man whose job it was to pump up the crowd not only fail, but confused us as well. And when the Rock is off on the mic, it doesn’t bode well for the rest of us.

At any rate, we get to our opening match for the night...

Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Championship?

Wait, wait... one of the alleged main events, the main plot line on Smackdown, the match with the winner of the 2011 Royal Rumble... is /opening?/

Yes, this is the start of the weird timing of Wrestlemania 27. The difference, as most know, between an opening match and a main event, is that the role of the opening match is to get the blood pumping and interest growing for the rest of the evening, to get the crowd in the right frame of mind, so that when you do get to the more important matches, the crowd is wide awake. Not to mention that you hold back the main events to ensure that the suspense and interest in the main plotlines compels people to stay focused during the show, and keeps them from getting bored, as you know that the show is only building and that the best is yet to come. Now, counter this with opening with a main event type match: not only is the crowd not warmed up yet, but you’ve shot yourself in the foot for the rest of the show. There is nothing left to build towards, because the climax has gone first. The emotional investment isn’t there. Now the crowd has nothing to look forward to as we plough through the throwaway matches.

Even worse, in an oxymoron way, is that this was a really, really good match. The speed was kept up throughout, the moves were good, and there were several false finishes that kept you guessing. Del Rio was pretty impressive throughout, and though Edge was a little slower than usual, the match didn’t drag, as he’d take enough moves from Del Rio to keep up the momentum, and then pay it back in bursts. The inclusion of Christian and Brodus Clay at ringside really added to the match, as both of them kept coming into play as the match went on, with moments that really mattered to the plot instead of just filler. The ending was a bit abrupt, with Edge kind of hitting the Spear out of nowhere and felt a off with the timing, but it was still a pretty great match. But now, how can you top that? Answer: you can’t, and every match which has to follow that feels slower and less glamorous. It’s not like Wrestlemania hasn’t had this problem before (Rock vs. Hogan obviously overshadowing HHH vs. Jericho at Wrestlemania 18, and more recently, Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker draining the crowd’s energy at Wrestlemania 25), but they’ve never shot off prematurely like this before. All in all, a great match, but an odd decision.

Especially when one considers the following match was prime to open the show: Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio. The style of these two are speedy, energy inducing, entertaining, and although they have a heated storyline, the show doesn’t hinge on it, and thus it can be dealt with quickly. And indeed, this match is a very good one. I especially like Rey’s attire motif of Captain America. The match had a definite plot behind it as well, as Cody keeps trying to rip Rey’s knee brace off, while Rey tries to take Cody’s mask. It slows down a bit in the middle, but never to the point of boredom. I really loved the ending, with Cody clocking Rey with the knee brace while the ref’s back was turned. It wasn’t just Cody hitting Rey, it was him absolutely decking Rey in an attempt to decimate him, summing up Cody’s anger and simmering hatred. Cody picks up the win, and I’m very happy about this: Cody has come leaps and strides from where he started, and this is a feather in his cap, especially considering last year his claim to fame at Wrestlemania was to get kicked in the head by Orton and get written out for two months.

I should, at this point, mention that the backstage segments this year were very entertaining. They had Snoop Dogg holding tryouts to see who could be his backup (or something like that), with musical appearances by William Regal, Beth Phoenix, Great Khali, and Zack Ryder, who gets clocked with a coconut by Rowdy Roddy Piper for his troubles. Finally, Hornswoggle appears, but we’re reminded that he can’t talk. Hornswoggle looks despondent, before not only talking for the first time, but rapping. The scene loses something when typed, but the timing is very good, and the performances are very funny. Also in the evening, The Rock is shown hitting on Eve, only to run into Stone Cold Steve Austin. They stare each other down while the fanboy in me jumps up and down with glee. The backstage Wrestlemania segments can either be hit or miss, and these were a hit. I think it would have been better to keep the Rock backstage, and build on his wanderings, rather than having him talk for ten minutes at the beginning.

And now, one of the most confusing moments of the night: the eight man tag match. The Corre enters, and we’re told that they had taken out Vladimir Koslov over the weekend at the fan-access show. So the team of Big Show, Kane, and Santino need a replacement, and they find it in Kofi Kingston, who enters to a bright display of fireworks, making the coming match look to be more epic than I thought. So the match starts, Santino starts against Slater, Show is tagged in... and the Corre tries to interfere. About thirty seconds into the match. Whereupon the rest of Show’s team interfere right back, allowing Show to Knockout Punch Slater and win. It took about a minute, tops.

...Why!?

Why would you have a match with this much star-potential only go about a minute in length? Why do the switch with Kofi for Koslov if he wasn’t even in the match? Why have the Corre perpetually waste my time every Friday night for the last few months if you weren’t even going to have a good Wrestlemania match with them? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can watch Slater get beat up all day, but I was hoping for a little more bang for my buck. What really tees me off, though, is that this last Friday after Wrestlemania, they had a rematch, and it was really, really good. Why couldn’t they have had that five days earlier?

See? It was just a weird Wrestlemania, with huge timing issues, a lack of direction, and nobody seemed to know what was going on, especially not me. I also notice that all of the Smackdown matches went first.

Our next match is Orton vs. Punk. In retrospect, given the way they were marketing this match, they should have made it No Holds Barred, so the two could try and kill one another. Now, this is an example of the timing problems of opening with two very technical, fast paced matches, and then coming to this, because this match is absolutely dead in comparison. The thing is, though, it’s not a terrible match: it’s very mat-based, with little fluff, and although Punk does most of the work, to Orton’s credit, he doesn’t look completely lost. But Orton is not a fast worker, and after the sugar buzz of Edge and Del Rio, this was definitely the crash. Punk keeps trying to be the best evil villain he can be, but even he has a hard time garnering a reaction out of the crowd. Also, Orton keeps switching his leg injury on and off at completely random, which is irritating. The finish isn’t bad, with Punk trying to lift and injured Orton, nearly gets RKO’d for his troubles, and dashes back to the ropes for dear life. Then, getting his nerve back, Punk jumps off the top rope, but gets the RKO in mid air, getting Orton the win. As I said, not a bad match, but a slowdown of what had come before, and effect which gets even worse with our next match...

Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler. Now, no one expected this to be a classic wrestling match. Just like whenever someone has a match against Mr. McMahon at Wrestlemania, it’s to watch him get beat up and bleed, with a very one sided piece of match narrative. And in this case, that was more or less the kind of thing we wanted to see: King beat the crap out of Cole. It’s easy enough: just give King a chair and let him wail away, and everyone in the arena would light up, and the doldrums we fell into will clear up. With the kind of heat Cole has built up, just the sight of him getting wailed away on by King would make any one happy. It’s simple in concept, easy to do, and no one could screw it up.

Except they screwed it up.

Things start off well enough, with Cole trying to worm out of the match from inside his box, extending his hand outside of one of the air holes to King, only to have Lawler take the hand, yank back, and embed Cole’s face in the wall. It was a brilliant moment, and the crowd really woke up, even more so when King broke into the box and beat Cole against the wall even more. But then they got back to the ring, Swagger interfered, knocking down King, and Cole tried to get some offence in. I’m guessing what they were trying to do was make it close, and make it appear that maybe King might get beaten, or that Cole had a chance, or something. But not only was that not what the audience wanted to see, Cole is extraordinarily bad at delivering an offence. His moves were slow, and he kept using the same move (kicking the leg) over and over again. If this were short, it would be no bad thing, but it just dragged on an on, and killed the momentum which King had started with, and, more importantly, put the audience back to sleep. King does eventually get back on top, with Swagger trying to throw in the towel on Cole’s behalf, only to have special gust referee Stone Cold wipe his head with it. Kudos to Stone Cold: his total involvement in this thing is minimal, but it’s still ridiculously entertaining. The man just dead-pans so well. Lawler gets Cole in the Ankle Lock, with Cole pleading to quit, while Stone Cold asks, with that dead-pan face, “So do you give up, or what?” It should have been a good ending, but things leading up to it had been so slow and monotonous that it was more of a mercy killing than a satisfying ending. It was the easiest thing to deliver, and yet somehow it wasn’t realized.

Again, the Wrestlemania 27 Weird Curse strikes again. Austin has his usual beer-scapades, with Lawler politely declining to drink (I was not aware that he doesn’t drink alcohol in real life. Learn something new every day), and for some reason, Booker T gets excited, leaves the announce table, and does the Spinnerooni in the ring. And then gets a Stone Cold Stunner for his troubles. I’m pretty sure Austin did that just for fun (he’s laughing after, and I think I saw him mouth “I had to, man,”), but it’s just... weird. It was weird that Booker came into the ring, it was weird that he got Stunned, and things just got weirder. Because the Evil Raw Laptop declares that because Stone Cold had not allowed Swagger to throw in the towel, the decision is now reversed, and Cole wins. Why?! Why reverse the decision? Cole can be cocky and annoying on his own, without a win under his belt, and this only furthers the disappointment of those who wanted to see him get beaten up. Also, this whole post match segment is awkwardly long, time which I think could have been dedicated to a longer tag match earlier. Who’s booking this thing?!

So I’m sitting there in front of my TV, and I’m pretty upset. Things have gone from bad to worse, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on, and apparently, neither does anyone involved in this thing. I wonder if anything at all can salvage this evening, if we can have that one Wrestlemania moment that makes the whole evening seem worthwhile.

And then we get Triple H’s entrance.

That’ll do.

You know things are on the right track when “For Whom the Bell Tolls” by Metallica starts playing. You know things are even better when the centurions come out with their shields forming a wall. You know things are really, really awesome when they part, and Triple H is standing there in a metal skull helmet, looking a barbarian warrior ready to kill. Not only does this top his Wrestlemania 22 entrance by far, it sets the emotional level for the match to come: this is going to be a battle of gods, each superpowered beyond belief, looking to destroy one another. This mindset plays into the match as well: whereas Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker was them trying to see who could outwrestle one another, this match is going to be about heavy hitting and hard fighting, and the entrance really helps gear you up for that. By comparision, Taker’s entrance is nothing special (essentially, his standard entrance), but you’ve found yourself pumped up and ready to see this play out.

The match starts with a bang, the two going outside the ring early. They run into danger of doing too much, too soon, and might have used some of their best stuff too early, but given the desperate need to entertain the crowd, I don’t think this is a bad thing. We get Undertaker smashed through Cole’s box, Undertaker doing the suicide dive onto Triple H, Triple H giving Taker the Spinebuster through the Spanish announce table. I think that these spots are worthy of a match this magnitude, given the story of the two trying to destroy one another. Things get a bit slower after that, but they managed to capture the audience’s interest. A chair is introduced into the match, and they play with that for a little bit, trading shots, until Taker takes a chair shot to the head. I think that takes a great deal out of him, because after that, he slows right down, and most of the match is then done by Triple H. But, to Triple H’s credit, he keeps the thing going, and does his best to make Undertaker look good in spite of the match now being more or less one sided. He hits the Pedigree three times, each with a kick out, and Triple H’s facial expressions becoming more and more exasperated, effectively pantomiming “I can’t kill this man.” Then, in my favourite moment of the night, he Tombstones the Undertaker, mimicking the chest cross pin, only to have Undertaker kick out again. It’s a pity that Undertaker took that headshot, because I feel he really could have done more here had he been 100%. Finally, Triple H decides to stop messing around, and goes for his sledgehammer (that’s how I solve all my problems, too). But before he can clobber Undertaker, the Deadman, very slowly, grabs Triple H to put him in the Hell’s Gate hold. Triple H struggles for a few minutes, and I’m a bit torn on this: I like the effect of Triple H trying desperately to kick out, keeping people guessing whether or not he will tap out, as well as the imagery of his strength slowly dying. On the other hand, given that Hell’s Gate is supposed to be the equal of instant death, I think holding out this long hurts the move’s credibility. I have to confess, the drama fan of me loved when Triple H finally manages to grab the sledge hammer, raises it to strike, but it drops from his near lifeless hand, and he finally taps out.

I really liked the story telling in this match. It slowed down half way through, given the Undertaker’s apparent injury to the head, but it started strong, Triple H did a good job of carrying things, and it was altogether enjoyable.

And thus, having had a good thing, we go to the Snooki match. Now, in spite of people’s incessant whining about this whole deal (including myself), it really wasn’t as big a debacle as predicted. Most of the work is done by Trish against Michelle, with Snooki only coming in at the end to get the obligatory celebrity pin. And to her credit, here flipping moves are pretty decent, and it’s not like she just slapped Michelle or made her look totally terrible. The match was over in a trice, didn’t hurt, and I’ll live.

Which brings us to the main event, and with it, the biggest head scratchers, mis-timing, and Wrestlemania 27 Weird Cure victims: The Miz vs. John Cena for the WWE Title. I have to say, I really liked the Miz’s pre-entrance video of him huddled over a bunch of television monitors watching old clips of his debut and early years, and of him being booed and mocked. The thing that makes Miz an interesting character is that strange, manic intensity and chip on the shoulder that he holds against the world, so that even though he’s essentially just a cocky jerk, he’s got this brooding, insane side to him that drives him and makes him compelling. Cena’s entrance, with the choir, is pretty decent, though not among his best.

Of course, the timing issues of the rest of the night have killed the crowd at this point: they are dead throughout this match, drained from Undertaker and Triple H. Moreover, Cena himself looks lacklustre. The thing Cena usually does best in his matches is using his sense of timing and crowd awareness to get a reaction, but he seems almost disinterested in this, kind of just hanging around while Miz executes moves. This, in turn, makes the Miz look bad, because although he’s beating Cena, there’s no drama to it. I pretty much can’t recall any specific moment from the match that stood out as interesting, and it’s only been a week since the event. And then there’s the ending, which, true to form, caps off a perfectly confusing evening. Cena throws Miz outside the ring, the tumble over the barricades, they lay there on the concrete... and they’re both counted out. Yes, the final match of the biggest show of the year ends on a count out. Or, at least, it would, but that wasn’t nearly confusing enough. No, as this in the most confusing Wrestlemania ever, the oddness must be cranked up even more! Rock shows up, and, rightfully so, says the show must not end in such a fashion, and has the match restarted once both men are back in the ring. And then, two seconds after the bell rings, Rock Rock Bottoms Cena, puts Miz over him, and gives Miz the win. To which one might ask: What was the point of ending the match, restarting it, and then ending it two seconds after? Why wouldn’t you have had Rock interfere while the match proper was going on, instead of the count out thing? Why is the Miz portrayed as a bitch in all of this? Why have the count out at all?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!!

Wrestlemania 27. Altogether, the show suffered from a savage case of mistiming, bad booking, odd moments, confused storylines, and an ending which made the audience go home angry. The highlights were the Edge/Del Rio match (even if it did open), Triple H and Undertaker, and Cody’s first Wrestlemania win. The sad part is, the show probably could have been saved if they had simply put the matches in a different order: if you were to open with Rey/Cody (fast paced, eye opener), go to the Eight Man Tag (filler so people can go get snacks), then have Orton/Punk (emotional investment match), then Snooki/Trish/Morrison (more snacks), then the Cena/Miz match (given the way it ended, there’s no way it should have capped off the show), then Cole/Lawler (as a cool-down from the title match), then Undertaker/Triple H (which is only not last here because of the rather slow ending), then end the show with, ironically, the opening match of Edge and Del Rio (to cap the evening off with a fast paced, fun match). There, I’ve just saved this Wrestlemania. You wouldn’t have to change any of the outcomes, just put them in a different order, and it’s that much better.

Hire me for Wrestlemania 28, Vince.