Patriots and Punks

Monday Night Raw falls upon the Fourth of July this year. Do we get fireworks and glamor, or do we get the hangover the next morning?

We start our show with an important announcement: due to CM Punk’s actions last week, he has been suspended, and a new #1 Contendor shall be decided tonight. Or, at least, that’s what would happen if the WWE wasn’t dipping into it’s ol’ bag of tricks from the Attitude Era in seeing how much they can play with audience expectations by blurring entertainment and reality. For no sooner is this announced then out comes John Cena, and you know he’s serious as he does /not/ dash out to the ring in his usual jolly fashion. His beef, it seems, is that he’s more than a little annoyed that Punk was suspended for speaking his mind, despite of the content of what he said. And that’s what I love about Cena as a good guy: he doesn’t shake his morals depending on what immediately benefits him. If this had been Hulk Hogan or Randy Orton, they would have been applauding the suspension, while Cena is upset that this goes against the first amendment. He also does a fair deal of fourth wall breaking, pointing out that Daniel Bryan had been fired last year for choking a guy out with a neck tie, and that some signs have been confiscated at live events for hyping Zack Ryder’s internet show more than the top decision makers want. Now, what you do with this kind of promo is confuse the audience, who are used to having the Champion act in script and not say anything that points the finger at the company. But Vince McMahon, being the despicable genius he is, knows that fans are more often then not unhappy with his decisions, and is intentionally drawing heat to himself in order to get them behind Cena’s rant. To this end, Cena rallies the crowd into a “First Amendment” chant, before he announces that he’s called Vince, and has demanded that he show tonight, so that both Cena and the WWE Universe can get some answers.

Our first match of the night is, sadly, another dose of Bellas and Kelly. Thankfully, Eve is to be the tag partner of Kelly, and to no ones surprise, she will be the one being awesome tonight while our supposed “Champion” hangs about on the side lines. Seriously, we get to see Eve do arm drags, moonsaults, leg sweeps, and, gosh, actually wrestle! We get to see Kelly flail ineffectually and waste my time. Man, I get tired of typing that every week, but it’s so true. Actually, I’m no longer going to talk about Kelly. I’m going to pretend that the title is vacant. I should also point out that on the throw away show of Superstars, Natalya and Alicia Fox had a twelve minute match, and there’s also a Beth Phoenix vs. Gail Kim match. So, these matches exist, but for whatever reason, they’re not on the right show. I’m going to weep into my coffee now.

Oh well, at least R-Truth is still crazy, talking away on his phone to someone named “Floe.” He also points out that he put Cena through a table last week, and shouldn’t have to compete for a title shot. HE also saved  20% by switching to Geico. Damn, Truth, you are too much.

Our next tag match is between Santino and Vladimir Kolsov vs. Mike McGuillicutty and David Otunga. Out of curiousity, what are those two going to do once Punk leaves? Will the find a new leader for Nexus or is it finally the end of the game for the big N? This match is actually more fun than I would have thought, with the action being kept constant, and the narration not being the usual style of the heels beating on Santino who then comedically comes back. The back and forth is actually kept up fairly well, with multiple tags on both sides and each team getting an upper hand at one point. Also a good couple of double team moves, with Koslov throwing Santino into McGuillicutty, and the Nexus doing a double cross body. The ending has Santino setting up for the Cobra, but misses, and McGuillicutty gets the win. Well, that was uneventful…

…Until, unexpectedly, Zack Ryder comes out and drops his catchphrase, smiling ominously at the Nexus members. Odd, but I hope this builds to something in the future.

In the back, Miz is irate that he’s not in the mix for the Number 1 Contender match due to Alex Riley beating him last week. He’s sick of Riley being a distraction to his cause, and is gunning to kick him to the curb once more.

Not only that, but Sgt. Slaughter is hanging around in the back with his little buddy, Evan Bourne. It seems that Sarge, being patriotic, wants to be here for the fourth of July. This doesn’t sit well with Jack Swagger, who, as we all know, is the real All American American, and he gets a good shot in by pointing out Slaughter was around when the Declaration of Independence was signed. Slaughter regrets that Swagger’s parents didn’t use better birth control. Ouch. As such, the two of them are going to be having a match. I briefly wonder why Jack is having so many matches with retired wrestlers as of late (first Booker, then Sgt. Slaughter), but I’m not overly inclined to complain, as he’s getting a push alongside Evan Bourne at the same time. Besides, nothing builds heat like not giving your elders respect.

Before the match starts, I love how King forgives the memory of Slaughter being an Iraqi sympathizer with “everyone makes mistakes.” It’s true, but it’s a sentiment that never seems to come up very often in wrestling. Well, the match is over pretty quickly, with Jack hitting a Swagger bomb after about two minutes. I’m not too upset about this, because there’s no point in dragging out a match like this when Sarge probably can’t go for too terribly long. Jack, being a jerk, puts Slaughter in an Ankle Lock, but is stopped by the plucky Evan Bourne. Just as you know you’re a heel when you fight old legends, you’re definitely a hero when you get to save one. Sarge then leads the audience in a rendition of the pledge of allegiance. Or, at least, he says it, while the audience kind of sits by in a muted mumble. Sounds like a whole lot of people aren’t feeling very patriotic.

We now get our Triple Threat match between Rey Mysterio, R-Truth, and Alberto Del Rio. Surprisingly, Del Rio starts by going after Truth. I suppose I’d try and take out the crazy man first as well. Del Rio then gets on a roll on Mysterio, while Truth lays outside the ring. Unfortunately for Alberto, he misses a slide through the ropes, tumbling to the outside, convientiently just in time for Truth to recuperate and come back into the match. My, what luck. Well, Truth gets to slap around Rey for a bit, and much fun is had by all. Except, of course, for Rey. I’m always annoyed when Triple Threat matches do the plot line of having two guys in the ring while one man lays outside, as it seems that the match is only using half its potential. You have three people there, but you’re only using two. If nothing else, though, Tuth gets to have a good showing in his beatdown of Rey, finding a multitude of ways to beat him rather than just throwing punches. Things do finally pick up as Alberto Del Rio sets up Truth on his shoulders and Rey hits a clothesline from the top turnbuckle, but quickly goes back to the one-on-one style, this time with Del Rio and Rey, until we get some near falls and break ups by the three.  Eventually, Rey manages to 619 Truth, only to have Del Rio lock in the Arm Bar and forcing Rey to tap out. I always find it weird to see Rey tap out, as the ultimate good guys rarely do. At any rate, it would appear that Alberto Del Rio is our new #1 Contender.

Sometime during the commericals, we find ourselves with a patriotic rug set up in the ring, and a cake (which means someone is getting put through it, or wearing it). Things become more clear as Vickie and Dolph Ziggler arrive, and Vickie announces that not only is it the Fourth of July, it’s also Dolph Ziggler’s birthday. Well, gee. Vickie sings us Happy Birthday, and gosh, Vickie has lost a ton of weight. Seriously, King’s rudeness becomes more and more asinine as time goes on. Ziggler also has to say that the people here are all too lucky to see Dolph in his prime. Forget Punk and Cena, because Dolph is the US Champion, and thus it’s the only one that matters. Mr. Ziggler is definitely improving on the microphone. But we couldn’t have a birthday party in the ring without an interruption, and out comes Kofi Kingston. He’s annoyed that he wasn’t invited to this party, and also has to point out that without Vickie in his corner, Dolph cannot beat Kofi. And, of course, Vickie takes a header in the cake. Why would any sane person ever bring a cake into a wrestling arena? The two men brawl and take their fight out of the ring, while Vickie, keeping her cool, exits the arena. I wonder how much that poor women gets paid to take more beatings than most men?

Our next match is between Miz and Alex Riley. We actually start off, oddly, with a vignette for Alex Riley as get to relieve the abuse he used to take from the Miz. Peculiar. I guess the WWE is concerned that can’t remember the last couple months. Our match starts, and Miz gives a good impression that he wants to hurt Riley. He has his crazy grimace on, and is on the attack from the get go. I’m a bit disappointed with how dead the crowd is for this. Then again, a good chunk of this match is carried by the Miz as he unloads his moves on Riley, but then, the story being built is Miz looking for his revenge, so that’s unavoidable. The ending of the match is a neatly done one, though, as Riley manages to reverse Miz’s reverse neckbreaker into a backslide for the pin. Also priceless is the Miz’ reaction afterwards: he looks completely stunned, as if losing hadn’t even entered his mind, before slowly growing his dazed expression into a furious glare and attacks Riley from behind. He takes the fight out into the seats at ringside and beats Riley against the barricades. He eventually leaves Riley as most broken minions wind up: through the broken announce table.

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Vince McMahon comes out to the ring. As per usual, the man seems to adore how much he’s getting booed. The CEO doesn’t waste time in gaining heat, explaining that Punk was suspended because he deserved it. He then proceeds to do his best smarmy politician as he tells the audience that he was doing it for the best of the people. But then, he kind of waters it down by saying that Punk wasn’t being resigned because he was asking for too much money. That kind of negates what went down last week, as it doesn’t look like the drama here is so much from Punk going renegade as it is Vince trying to make it more about himself. This is the usual unfortunate consequence of tying Vince into things: he doesn’t sell others especially well if their name isn’t Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well, Cena is none too happy about this either, and confronts Vince whether or not he believes in free speech. He also points out that the fightin’ Vince McMahon of old had been replaced with a coward who can’t handle a few nasty words. Vince then adds another layer of intrigue: he suspended Punk so that he couldn’t walk away with the WWE Title and go to another company with his belt. This would make more sense if a bigger company like WCW was still around, and that this was still a threat. John is more concerned with the fact that Vince thinks he can’t beat Punk, and gets the crowd pumped up for the potential of a Cena/Punk match. I’m impressed by the amount of Cena chants are going on here. It’s a nifty bit of double-standard here as the Cena fans and Punk fans get together for a united cause. Vince emphasizes  that it’s his company, and he’ll do what he likes. Then, in a dramatic move, Cena hands the belt over to Vince and storms off. Now, can you imagine Orton giving up the belt on a moral dilemma? No, you can’t. That’s why Cena is always the better hero. Well, Vince is a crafty fellow, and informs Cena that he has his wish: he’s going to have his match against Punk at Money in the Bank. But, he adds, if Cena loses, than he’s fired. Now, that’s a good add on to this story line: No one was going to buy the thought of the title going to a different company, but the thought of having Cena fired is at least a realistic threat plot-wise. Also, I can forsee Punk winning, then losing the belt to whomever wins MitB, thus keeping the belt on Raw and still getting Cena canned. A very intriguing development to be sure.

And thus Monday Night Raw for the Fourth of July. As I continue to deny that the women’s division even exists any more, I’m left wondering what’s going to happen with Alberto Del Rio, as Punk has his title match again and Del Rio having been named the #1 Contender. The rest of the show was decent, though not spectacular: the tag match and Swagger/Slaughter were kind of throwaways, and the Miz/Riley wasn’t as good as some of their previous encounters. Still, it was an important plot development episode, and I’m interested in seeing how this saga pans out.