In Which I Yell, "WHY?!" 500 Times

I didn’t actually watch all of Monday Night Raw this week. Not because I was inconvenienced, or necessarily was incapable of watching if I so chose. I didn’t watch all of Raw /because I couldn’t stand watching it./

Seriously, what the hell, Raw?! I mean, I expect you to have bad episodes as compared to Smackdown, but this was just... what /was/ this? Things were on the rebound, and last week’s show was good. What happened from last Monday to this? And this is from the guy who can usually find it in his heart to forgive the writing quality. I don’t get it: Smackdown is so constantly good and enjoyable and fun. Where does Raw get lost in the mail? Especially when it’s /supposed/ to be the flagship show and all that?

The evening starts out with R-Truth, telling us how happy he is to finally get a shot at the WWE Title. Yes, Truth, and we are all happy with you. It really is a good moment, and I could totally back you as an entertaining and believable good guy. I couldn’t stand you when you first appeared, but you’ve really come along way, both in character and in the ring, and now I find myself rooting for you. Boy, I hope nothing stupid happens in the next ten minutes that completely screws all this up.

Oh, wait, it’s Raw. Of course we can screw this up!

John Morrison comes out, and starts acting like a whiner. He pesters and pesters Truth to give JoMo another chance at being the #1 contender, insulting Truth for smoking and... having a bottle of water. That’s dumb, right? When a guy criticizes you for having a drink of water, that’s kind of dumb, right? So dumb that you’d think that the guy currently doing the bitching and pointing out stupid things would be the one to turn heel, right? Because /he’s/ the one being a nuisance here. Although, even if this were the case (which it ludicrously turns out not to be, as we shall see), why the hell would you turn Morrison heel? He’s remarkably over with the fans, totally marketable as main event material, and a good flashy hero that we can all love. Here, he just looks like a moaning... whatever. So even though he’s apparently /not/ turning heel, he’s acting like one. Fantastic writing.

No, it seems that Truth finally cracks and accepts this rematch (under the apparent logical reasoning that he wants to be the most “fightingest” champion ever, and will fight anyone any time, provided it acts as an adequate plot device), and of course loses. You’d think that, given what just happened, Morrison would be heelish. But no, he offers his hand to Truth in an act of good sportsmanship. Um, hello? You totally just screwed the guy over, and now you want to be passed off as the bigger man in all this? Naturally, Truth tells him to go F himself. I would to. In fact, I don’t think there’s anyone who’s not sympathizing with Truth right now. Well, Morrison is doing a turnbuckle pose, and then Truth attacks him from behind. Now, as we all know, when you surprise attack someone from behind after losing a match, you are now a heel. And this would work, if /R-Truth wasn’t totally the one I was supporting in all this./ He came out this evening as the happiest he’s ever been in his life, finally getting his big chance, and then Morrison screws him out of it, and he’s really upset about it. His beating up Morrison isn’t evil, it’s extremely justifiable under wrestling logic. This beat up goes on for a while, just to drive home that Truth is now a bad guy, when he then... sigh... takes out a cigarette and smokes it to a chorus of boos from the audience. Oh, good God no, not /smoking!/ Only the most evil of sinners in the deepest and most firey pits of hell smoke! Truly, Truth has gone around the bend!

Look, WWE, I don’t mind your PG Era. I don’t mind the absence of blood and expletives, and can actually find several good arguments to back you on that. But to demonize a man because he smokes is just dumb. It’s a stupid stereotype to force upon the kids watching. Yes, smoking is bad for your health, but it doesn’t make you personally evil. Some of the greatest people I have ever met are smokers, and they would hardly be considered heels. This was just a dumb piece of trying to use a playbook of “How to be a Villain” and superimposing it on R-Truth in order to make his heel turn more immediately obvious in lieu of actually having to do decent writing about it.

Also, why the hell is Truth turning heel?! It doesn’t make sense: the guy is over with crowd, he’s marketable as a flashy good guy, and if this sounds like the same argument that I made for Morrison not turning heel, /it’s because it’s the same damn thing!/ We don’t need random heel turns from good guys! Superman wouldn’t just up and forsake his heroic duty and start frying people with his eyes. Not only does this not fit with the character and would just be lazy writing, it’s not what the fans want! In spite of smarks bitching and moaning about the desperate need to turn everybody heel, without faces like R-Truth, their beloved heels would have nothing to be heels towards. Also, maybe, just maybe, some of us actually like having heroes! Maybe we /enjoy/ the good guys who do the right thing, because we don’t want to watch people just being assholes for no apparent reason. And what are they actually going to do with Truth as a heel? Is there actually a plan for the character now to operate along these lines? I imagine he’ll be doing some back and forth with Morrison for a bit, but then what? What was the point of completely destroying a fan favourite within one episode?

Whaddaya /mean/ we’re only in the first twenty minutes?!

Our next match is between Evan Bourne and the New and Improved Dolph Ziggler...

Whaddaya /MEAN/ New and Improved Dolph... oh, gosh, he dyed his hair brown. Not only is that incredibly odd after all these peroxide filled years, I don’t see the point of his being “New and Improved.” Apparently, he’s got a new attitude. What was wrong with the old one? From what I can tell, Dolph is now more serious and brooding. Because we didn’t have nearly enough brooding bad guys on this show. Seriously, I /liked/ the quasi-goofy narcissist that Dolph played. That subtle humour was what set him apart from everyone else. Contrary to popular belief, you can mix humour and heel with surprising results. For example, look at Kurt Angle. He was hardly what you would consider a villain, often being an over the top ego maniac with an incredible sense of comedic timing, but was still incredibly effective as an antagonist, with his skills in the ring overshadowing otherwise goofy behaviour. You can be believable without a permanent frown, and chances are, you’ll be more entertaining as such.

But no, this is Monday Night Raw, where good characters die swift and terrible deaths. So Dolph wins, and I don’t care. And maybe I’m jumping the gun on this judgement of “New” Dolph (maybe I’m jumping the gun on Truth being heel), but I don’t see the point of these character revamps, especially when the former product was good.

We’re also told that the Draft for this year (in which the rosters of the shows are shuffled around in order to provide new plots) is going to be next Monday. This is a bit abrupt an announcement, but it’s probably due to the rapidly dropping main event material with the departure of Edge. So, in theory, someone big from Raw will probably go to Smackdown. Anyone but Orton; I rely on my Smackdown episodes for my good and entertaining writing and performances.

Next, we have Miz come out to the ring and demand to know what it going on tonight. Thank you, Miz, you once again speak for us all. He had been preparing all week for a match at Extreme Rules against R-Truth and John Cena, and now he has to alter his whole game plan. Also, someone in the back caught on that a Triple Threat isn’t very extreme, and it’s now a Cage Match as well. Miz demands that this decision be reversed, and that he will not leave the ring until it is. As such he sits on a chair, and we go to a commericial break. When we return, Miz is still sitting there, talking about whatever vague complaint comes into his head. I have to say, the Miz’s performance here brought a smile to my face. He’s just doing his best to be the greatest heel he can be, and trying to piss off the crowd enough (in a good way) to bring life back into the show. But who arrives but... Sin Cara, who is to have a match with Alex Riley! And he might darn well have, too, if Cena didn’t magically appear and act really angry about something or rather. Seriously, Cena’s appearance here makes no sense. He looks like he’s dashing out to stop the Miz from something, but the Miz is just sitting there. The motivations here are confusing.

Well, the Morally Ambiguous Laptop decrees that this will now be a Tag Team match, and damnit, I have to comment again: what is up with the GM? All of last year, he was the Miz’s biggest fan, and now he’s suddenly turned on him to become more neutral. This wouldn’t be so bad if there was any kind of explanation or writing addressing the motives of the GM. Seriously, this Laptop is the most complicated character on this show. I still have no idea why he resigned the Nexus after Bret Hart fired them (remember when Bret was GM? That was a good month), or why he forced Cena to be Barrett’s slave, or deny King the right to hit Cole, or why he’s pretty much evil right up until the past few weeks, when he suddenly has a freak change of heart. Just because the character isn’t actually an on-screen presence doesn’t mean you can just change his personality on a whim, writing staff!

Uh, Tag Match. It’s not bad, though Sin Cara barely gets to be in it. It’s a nice finish, though, where Cena lets Sin Cara get the pin. But have you noticed how I haven’t talked about the matches at all this week? It’s because the plots in between matches are so confusing and dumb that I can’t focus on the wrestling!

Now, to be fair, the Divas match of the week is pretty good. It’s going to be Eve vs. Nikki Bella (I’m told it’s Nikki. Let’s face it, it doesn’t really matter). Brie (who, we remember, is the new Champion) fails magnificiently in her attempt to be pithy, crushingly telling Eve that next week, she might be drafted to Smackdown... and that’s it. That where she leaves it. You might be drafted. Way to make ‘em bleed, Brie. To no one’s surprise, Eve carries this match, and is fun to watch. Boy, wish she was Champion...

But no sooner has Eve won her match than Cole interrupts. Seriously, WTF? What does Cole (or whoever is writing the show) have against Eve and celebrating her wins? I mean, Cole was good in the lead up to Wrestlemania, but that was when we were expecting his asshole behaviour to be the fuel thrown on the fire as we enjoyed watching King kill him. As we were not satisfied in this way at Wrestlemania, Cole’s attempts at being evil have crossed the line to consistently annoying. This is made even worse by the fact that Cole is trying to do both the play by play and color on commentary, and thus his is the only voice we hear all night long, and he becomes vastly overplayed and irritating.

And tonight... oh, hell... Cole is being “knighted.”

In a completely pointless scene, Cole goes through a knighting ceremony by a faux Queen Elizabeth II. Why? So he can be Sir Michael Cole now? Did he need a moniker that badly? Is this to counter “King” Lawler? Is that really your idea of being clever, writers? How long did this all take, about ten minutes? We couldn’t have had a longer Diva match, or develop a storyline that actually matters, or not try and give Cole more screen time than he already has? In the build to Wrestlemania, this was endearing and fun: it is now annoying as all hell and stupid. Cole is no longer a credible villain: he’s a nuisance whom you want off screen just so that you don’t have to hear him anymore. And, damnit, the knighting ceremony was stupid! It doesn’t actually add anything that we didn’t have before! It was a big fat waste of time! And so was Truth’s heel turn! And so is the New and Improved Dolph Ziggler! And the Laptop that doesn’t make sense!

And then, in a fit of maddening rage, I turned off my TV. That showed ‘em.

I’m told I missed Santino vs. Sheamus (oh no), and Orton vs. Punk (meh). Just... annoyed. Annoyed that no one seems to be thinking about what’s going on screen before it goes on. Annoyed at lazy and sloppy writing. Annoyed at the gratuitous character rape.

I refuse to end this blog on such a negative note. Uh, think of something positive, think of something positive...

Draft next week! The draft is always fun: the inter-brand matches actually matter, because whoever wins gets to steal a character from the other show, and so there is a good sense of tension and excitement as to what will happen next. You can get a couple of really great jaw droppers from these (like when Smackdown stole Triple H in 2008), and the shakeup means that you are promised new storylines and new pairings. There’s usually a trend that Raw gets all the A listers, and Smackdown gets either the B listers or the people that the writers don’t know what to do with, but that’s no bad thing, because Smackdown’s writing staff, being infinitely better, helps make those no-namers back into stars. Look what they did for John Morrison and R-Truth before Raw took them and raped them silly.

I’m guessing that Raw ill get Alberto Del Rio (as he’s a rising star, and they want to show case him on their Monday show), Drew McIntyre(because Raw likes to piss me off and steal my favourite characters from my favourite show), Kane (because he’s a big name), and Kofi Kingston (because they need the flash and pizzazz. Smackdown will get Daniel Bryan (because he’s not doing a whole lot on Raw), either Cena or Orton (because they want to give Smackdown an extra main eventer), and maybe Morrison or Truth (just because). Well, guessing is half the fun, and no matter how angry the results will make me (and there is always at least one thing that drives me up the wall. Please consider that I’m first and foremost a Smackdown fan), a little variety never hurt anyone.

There, I feel better already.