A PG Rated Raping

Remember last week when I said that the yearly draft always made me happy, and a little shake up was always fun?

Oops!

I make no secret that I am first and foremost a Smackdown fan. The writing is better, there’s more wrestling, and I find it’s less laden with the ideas of being the “A” Show and manages to have more fun. It’s more old-school in that it doesn’t seem to have to /try/ and be entertaining and just, well, is. As such, I take any shafting of the blue brand to be a personal offence. And boy, did the draft leave me offended.

I’m not going to bother to really review the show, because it’s the results of the draft that really matter, and the matches were just kind of there a points to introduce who went to which show. I’ll be brief:

-The inter-brand battle royal to start the show was fun, if a little uninspired at points. The result of which was Smackdown won, and Cena gets drafted to Smackdown. Big news, right? Wait for the rant later.

-Eve vs. Layla was all right, though Eve botched a reverse-leg sweep. But we got to see Layla finally snap and beat on Michelle. Rey gets drafted to Raw. No big surprise, as we’re essentially trading one main eventer for another. Also, Cole interrupts again, and I’m starting to think this must be building to something between him and Eve, mainly because the other commentary finally commented on how Cole was disrespecting the entire women’s division, whereas before they were just letting it slide. What I hope is that Jerry switches JR for Eve at Extreme Rules. While I’m at it, I’d like a pony.

-R-Truth gets to come out and explain himself. For the record, I’m still against turning him heel. However, he did his best to make it believable in this. He says he’s spent his whole life trying to please the people, and that last week, he accepted the match with Morrison to please the people. And it seems that all this has gotten him is yet another loss; what has pleasing the people gotten him? Does he have a title on his belt? His rapping made people happy, but apparently, so did his constant losing, and his winning only earned scorn from his friends (see: smoking rant last week). Also, he keeps telling the crowd to shut up with the “What?!” chant. Though really, he keeps talking in beat with it (clause, then What, then clause, then What), so he has no one to blame but himself. I like how he played with this: he’s not just suddenly eeeeeevil, he just feels betrayed and frustrated, like he’s the victim (which he totally is. See victim rant last week. Man, wasn’t that a show for rants?). It makes him more compelling a character, which is fine, but… the world of wrestling is constantly torn between it’s desire to have complicated characters like Truth and the desire to have identifiable heroes and villains, and I don’t know how the character psychology of Truth will play out in the long run. But, for my part, I’m totally fine with how he played this: he’s got a lot of pent up frustration, and he doesn’t want to take it any more. So long as he doesn’t go over the edge, he should be fine.

-Kofi vs. Sheamus was an all right match, but not one of their best. The ending has Sheamus literally walking right into Trouble In Paradise when he should have seen a mile away that it was coming. And who does Smackdown get for their prize? Why, it’s Randy Orton! Oh, good! My least favourite wrestler in the WWE is on my favourite show! Fantastic. Well, surely things can’t get worse for Smackdown, yes?

-Jim Ross vs. Michael Cole. This match, while generally stupid, serves as a good case study for all the right things Evil! Cole does, and all the wrong things. The first three quarters of this match is spent as Cole pantomimes how fat JR is. This is wrong, boring, stupid, not entertaining, etc. Cole winds up losing the match after JR falls on him in a botched body slam attempt, has Swagger beat the hell out of JR, then Cole takes JR’s own belt and start flogging him with it. There, that right there? Evil. Compelling. Makes us hate you for the right reasons. Villainous. More of that, please, less of the silly taunts.

-Randy Orton (who is now on Smackdown) vs Dolph Ziggler. Actually, not a bad match. Maybe taking Orton out of Raw and back onto his original show will bring back the Orton of old, who while still not great was significantly less boring. Orton wins, and we’re told the win is worth two draft picks: Sin Cara and Mark Henry to Smackdown. Compare this to…

-Rey, now on Raw, vs. Wade Barrett. Another good match, with Rey winning, and Raw receiving Big Show, and Alberto Del Rio. Now, this, in and of itself, is not shocking. I commented last week that I expected Del Rio to go over to Raw. But let’s just compare the trade here: Big Show (a future Hall of Famer and always a success at a main event level) and Alberto Del Rio (this years Royal Rumble Winner, Contender for the World Heavywieght Championship, and one of the biggest heels right now), for Sin Cara (who, if fun, is still untested) and Mark effing Henry, who at best is a lower mid carder. That’s two main eventers for a prospect and a mid card. Does that sound remotely fair to anyone? We are all aware that Smackdown lost Edge, and thus really needs its main even materiel, yes?

But wait, you say, Smackdown has Cena! Poor silly fool, don’t you know this is Raw, and the booking staff hates the hell out me?

-Main event is a Six Man Tag Match with Team Smackdown (Cena, Mark Henry, and Christian) against Team Raw (Miz, CM Punk, and Del Rio). No matter what else, I have to say: I would love to see a faction of the latter three. Most. Evil. Team. Ever. Not only evil, but ridiculously entertaining; after the win, you can see a ridiculously ecstatic Punk kiss Del Rio on the cheek, and Del Rio, not missing a beat, does it right back. Hilarious. Not so hilarious is Mark Henry’s freak heel turn in this match, betraying Cena and walking out. Again: heel turns just for the sake of having a heel turn is not cool, even less cool when you consider that the only appeal of Henry is how we like to see him squish things. I mean, if you had pushed him against Brodus Clay in a fight between large men, it would have been fun. Now, as a heel, all he is is another glowering monster heel, which we have far too many of.

Oh, and Cena gets drafted back to Raw.

Yes, for one of the first times, Raw admits on screen to deliberately wasting my time.

What the hell was the point of drafting Cena to Smackdown as a psyche out? What was gained? Nothing changes except that the fans realize they’ve totally been flipped the bird. It’s not clever, it’s not fun, it’s just lazy writing! You heard (read?) me, lazy! You ran out of compelling things to do, so you half-assed a storyline that literally went nowhere in under two hours, and nothing had to change in the end. There were no consequences or anything to all of this, and no storyline was further at all: what did any of the characters or fans have to gain from this bait-and-switch? Answer: nothing! It was a big fat waste of my time!

Oh, but if only that were all! Let’s just look at what the drafts were for this evening, shall we? Raw gets Cena, Big Show, Rey Mysterio, and Alberto Del Rio, and Smackdown gets Randy Orton, Sin Cara, and Mark Henry. So, by my count, that’s four main eventers for one main eventer and two mid cards. I mean, you couldn’t screw Smackdown over more if you had Steve Austin come out and flip Teddy Long the bird. Also, I will never hold Orton as compensation for Del Rio or Show. Can’t Raw keep Orton, and we keep Cena?

But surely, you say, that at least this debacle is only limited to this? Not so fast: there is a supplemental draft the day after, in which the mid card is shuffled about as well, generally not considered worth television. Well, what do we find at the end of all this?

Raw:

-Jack Swagger (upper mid card)

-Kelly Kelly (fluff)

-JTG (jobber)

-Drew McIntyre (upper mid card)

-Curt Hawkins (jobber)

-Chris Masters (jobber)

-Kofi Kingston (upper mid card)

-Tyler Reks (jobber)

-Beth Phoenix (Women’s Division Gold)

Smackdown:

-Daniel Bryan (upper mid card)

-Great Khali (jobber)

-Jimmy Uso (jobber)

-Alicia Fox (fluff)

-William Regal (jobber)

-Yoshi Tatsu (jobber)

-Natalya (Women’s Division Gold)

-Jey Uso (jobber)

-Ted Dibiase (currently, a jobber. Sorry, Ted)

-Tyson Kidd (jobber)

-Tamina (Women’s Division Gold)

-Alex Riley (jobber)

-Sheamus (upper mid card)

Essentially, Smackdown, in one night, has lost their entire main event scene, as well as the men primed to replace the main event scene. Taking Rey, Show and Del Rio for just Orton was bad enough, but to also swipe Swagger, Kofi, and Drew? Smackdown’s entire roster has been decimated: it lost its most entertaining segments, and has nothing to replace them with. Well, I shouldn’t say nothing: Sheamus and Daniel Bryan are nothing to scoff at. But still, that’s three big names in exchange for six, which is hardly fair. I thought the goal of this was to try and give Smackdown back some stars to make up for Edge retiring? Instead, we lost everything that made Smackdown so damn good. I’m especially annoyed over losing Drew and Kofi: those guys were five seconds away from sneaking into the main storylines, and now, they’re stuck in the midcard on Raw. All Smackdown got in this was a whole lot of jobbers and a handful of big names. And I mean, a lot of jobbers. Going through that list, I have a hard time in finding potential marketability, as well as bland ring work... I mean, the damn Great Khali for Swagger? Yeah, no. This is so asinine: everything that made Smackdown good has been taken from it.

Also, this is not a good thing for Raw. I know they have the mindset that they must stick all of the stars on one show, but the fact of the matter is that these shows are only two hours long, and you can only squeeze so much in. And with a main event cluster of stars and big names that you /have/ to do things with (Cena, Miz, Punk, Show, Rey, Del Rio), then you’re going to have one hell of a time getting all the other guys in. I mean, Swagger, Drew and Kofi are going to have to bunk for screen time with Morrison and Truth as well. You simply cannot get all of these guys in the show on a regular basis, never mind giving them stories and matches, in the span of two hours. This means that these guys are going to be stagnating rather than carrying the momentum they had. Also, it’s all the more ridiculous when you consider how much potential screen time has been opened up on Smackdown. All together, this draft has done little good for either show.

All right, so, with that rant out of the way, the world has obviously not ended, and some things can be looked at a little more analytically.

-Smackdown now has the US, IC, and World Heavyweight Championship. Usually, there’s a balance where you have one World Title and one slightly lesser Title on either show, but this is clearly thrown out of whack. The only thing that I can see being done to get out of this is if Del Rio wins against Christian at Extreme Rules, brings both World Titles to Raw, which will probably get them unified. And, somehow, having the two B list belts on Smackdown fits the booking staff’s perception of the show. This might not happen, of course, if they can find a way to have either Wade or Sheamus to drop their belts to someone one Raw. However, in thinking about it, even if Smackdown was to lose its major belt... it sucks, but a belt is a belt is a belt. So long as we have something to write a storyline around.

-The Smackdown women’s division should pick up again. LayCool is gone, and they lost Kelly Kelly. Hopefully, this means Natalya and Tamina get more screen time. It’s a pity we lost Beth, but them’s the breaks.

-Also, if Awesome Kong/Kharma goes to Raw, then at least they have Beth, Eve, Gail, and Melina to battle her, and that’s pretty epic.

-Smackdown has a reunification of Legacy. How a year has changed things: once a proud and dominant, albeit boring and annoying, faction, now... Cody’s nuts, Ted’s a loser, and Randy is a good guy. Huh. I hope this is picked up on and worked with, because this has potential. Not only might it make Orton interesting, but it could save Ted.

-I predict that, much like last year, we’ll be getting a lot of six-man title shots on Raw, just in order to give everyone something to do. Which, if lazy writing (can’t think of what to do with all the characters? Lump ‘em together!) at least can give for some interesting match-ups. Also, this will hopefully give some mid carders something to do.

-Who on Earth is going to be promoted to main event status on Smackdown? Right now, it’s Christian and Orton, and maybe Sheamus. Things can only look up for a lot of the guys: Daniel Bryan and Sin Cara? Actually, on that note, with so many jobbers thrown over to Friday night, they almost have to be given pushes and stories, because, well, they’re all Smackdown has! I entrust the Smackdown writing staff with my life, and I’m certain they can reinvent a lot of these guys. Tyson Kidd has potential, Regal is always fun, Ted needs an overhaul, maybe Mark Henry? I mean, I’m ecstatic about none of this (losing the ring work of Drew and Kofi for the Great Khali is hardly endearing), but we’re going to have to make do. Pity Smackdown didn’t get Zack Ryder: they could have really pushed him.

-Did I mention how pissed off I am that Drew’s been sent to Raw?

All together, this is just a debacle. My favourite show has been raped something fierce, and I don’t trust the Raw writing well enough to actually utilize what they have. Sad days, sad days.