To those wondering what happened to my review of Smackdown last week: two factors prevented it from being written up. First, I’m incredibly busy at the moment, and simply did not have time to get it done, and second, it was just a really boring episode. All it did was confirm a Christian heel turn, and I’ve already written my thoughts to death on that. The only important plot point that occurred was that the Corre officially dissolved, much to my great glee.
Tonight’s Raw is billed as an All Star episode. I really don’t know what this entails: the idea is that it shows the stars from both shows, but there are very few interbrand matches, and actually seems a little Smackdown heavy. At any rate, it’s to be three hours long, which can be a bit much at times but we have Stone Cold Steve Austin as our GM for the night, and it’s never boring when he’s around.
We start off our night with the Miz, who claims that truly, he’s the greatest All Star off all time, whereas Alex Riley is the most ungrateful prat of all time. I really do like how Miz is playing up Riley to be something serious, as he has a past which consists entirely of hapless minion with little to bolster his credit. Miz is about to get shut down, however, as Stone Cold comes out with a microphone. And by shut down, I mean Miz gets owned. Every time he tries to open his mouth, Stone Cold tells him to shut up. And as it’s Stone Cold, this avoids getting repetitive with his attention to dead pan and finding a wide variety of ways to get his point across. Steve talks about the night after Wrestlemania, when the Miz confronted John and challenged him to a fight, and how Steve walked away. As it turns out, he did so because he wanted to see if the Miz was actually capable of proving himself over the next few months. As it turns out, he’s not, and Stone Cold is not impressed with how he’s dealing with Alex Riley. As such, he is sending the two into counselling with another guest for tonight: Rowdy Roddy Piper. Why anyone would ever seek counselling from the Hot Rod is beyond me. At any rate, Miz is told to skedaddle…
But Steve isn’t done being pestered by the kids tonight, for now he has to deal with Alberto Del Rio, who is only too happy to inform Mr. Austin that while he might have been the star of his time, Alberto is the star of all time. All the while, smiling his smug smile and totally ignoring the fact that Stone Cold could Stun him any second. Del Rio is still on a high due to injuring the Big Show, something that Stone Cold doesn’t care for. As such, he sets up a match right now (it sure is a good thing Del Rio came out with his ring gear on) against Kane.
While I’m all for a Del Rio vs. Kane match, it runs into the problem of nearly every other match on the show tonight: it’s too short. I think it might go about two minutes before Del Rio gets intentionally disqualified by refusing to release the Arm Bar. I’m not certain why the bookers went this route, especially as the show is three hours long, and not many of the matches exceeds five minutes. At any rate, Del Rio’s shenanigans are soon disrupted by the return of the Big Show, who hustles out to the ring to lay a beatdown on Del Rio. Alberto, being crafty, sneaks out and allows lackey Ricardo Rodriguez to take it for him. That’s what minions are for. I love how it’s Kane who eventually has to get Big Show off of Ricardo to stop from killing him. You’d think Kane of all people would be totally cool with murder being committed in the ring. Stone Cold announces that if Del Rio is still feeling tough, then he’s going to have a match with the Big Show this Sunday at Capitol Punishment. I’m not planning on buying the PPV, but I’d be interested to see how this match goes. Del Rio is talented, but it can be hard to have a really good match with a guy Big Show’s size when you’re primarily a technician. Still, hope for good things.
Our next match is a six man tag match, which is surprisingly made up entirely of Smackdown guys. It’s the team of Ezekiel Jackson, Sin Cara, and Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase, and Wade Barrett. I’m almost stunned seeing Wade in the ring with a teammate who isn’t Slater or Gabriel, though I’m certainly not complaining. This match goes on a little longer than the previous one, but for whatever reason, it still winds up feeling rushed. I think it’s because with six guys needing screen time, no one really has time to work to their full potential or show their stuff. That said, I do like that there are many tags and shifts, as it keeps the match speedy and colourful. What’s telling during this is how out-classed Zeke is standing in a team with Bryan and Sin Cara. The guy just can’t do anything except be big. But he is kind enough, after levelling Wade, to tag in Sin Cara, who does a springboard splash onto Wade to get the win for his team. I’m almost happy that Sin Cara doesn’t seem to have a set finisher, as it makes his matches more exciting as you wait to see how they end.
Know what we need? Confirmation that R-Truth is nuts. Because I’m not certain that he’s crazy enough. Hornswoggle is out in the ring during commercials shooting out shirts to the crowd with a pneumatic... uh... shirt launcher/bazooka. Naturally, Truth doesn’t take kindly to a leprechaun getting more applause than he, and comes out to let us know. He also then takes the shirt cannon and shoots Hornswoggle point blank with it. Now, granted, being shot with a shirt probably isn’t the worst thing you could be shot with, but the imagery of R-Truth shooting a midget is pretty eyebrow raising. Stone Cold doesn’t take kindly to this (my, but he has his hands full with the kids today!) and announces that if R-Truth wants to pick on someone, he can do it to someone his own size... such as a returning John Morrison! Yes, it seems that the Guru of Greatness is set to get his revenge against the man who injured his neck last month!
And he darn well would have too, if Truth hadn’t jumped him in the back, threw him into a wall, and then rolled a freight crate into him.
I take back my criticisms about the Truth heel turn.
Our next painfully short match of the evening is Santino vs. Sheamus. Though short, this match has some interesting moments. First, Sheamus kicks out of the Cobra, which makes me grin considering back in February he would have had to lay down for that. Second, he hits the Brogue Kick, but rather than going for the pin, puts Santino in a Boston Crab and makes him tap out. Interesting choice for our heavy hitting brawler.
Randy Orton comes out and is dull. No, I’m not going to elaborate. I’m sick of Orton’s existence, and he never says anything worth noting, with the exception of a shot he takes at Christian saying that Edge carried him for his career. And it’s funny, because Orton has spent his life riding the coattails of his father, Triple H, and John Cena. Seriously, Orton, you’re an utter schmuck. Get off my screen.
Speaking of Christian, he has a match with Rey Mysterio. And, by and large, it is a good one. I mean, is it possible to go wrong with these two? The speed and agility and moves employed keep the match fun and engaging. But, once again, the ending is Christian intentionally getting disqualified. I’m really quite tired of all the DQ finishes lately. There’s something to be said for getting a satisfying, definite conclusion to a match, and we’ve not been getting that for a goodly while. At any rate, Rey’s plight gets worse as Punk and the New Nexus arrive to lay even more beatings on Rey. We also gets news that CM Punk and Mysterio are to have a match at Capitol Punishment. I’m glad they’re running with these two against one another again. They work great together, both in the ring and as characters, with Rey being the ultimate hero, and Punk being perfectly evil. Just a quick note on why Punk is awesome: he hasn’t been in serious contendership for a major title since he dropped the World Heavyweight Championship to Undertaker in 2009, and yet still has some of the most engaging storylines in recent memory. It takes talent to be compelling without having a Championship to your name.
Next, we get an oddly short match (seriously, all the matches tonight are short. Why?) with Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler vs. Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston. Again, had this match been longer, it probably would have been better for it, as all four of these guys not only need the screen time, but are all very talented and fun to watch. I really like that they are trying their best to push these four, especially Evan, who was on the back burner for a goodly while. Good guys win.
And now, the moment I’ve certainly been waiting for: Piper’s Pit, with your host, Rowdy Roddy Piper. I’m impressed with how well Piper has aged: for a guy who went through a great deal and has been around for a long time, he looks pretty decent. The convo between him and Miz is pretty good as well. Miz laments that he hates when people say he’s the “next Roddy Piper,” (whereupon Piper interrupts by saying there will /never/ be another Roddy Piper) because unlike Piper, Miz has actually won the WWE Championship. Harsh, but true, like the best kind of insults. Piper is surprisingly placid about this, and brings out Alex Riley to counter. Riley isn’t as insulting as the Miz, but does make the point that Miz was only Champion because he used Alex Riley in the first place, meaning he helped make the Miz. Miz, annoyed by this, tells Piper that he’ll bet $1000 that he beats Alex Riley at Capitol Punishment. Riley goes one further, saying he’ll bet $1000 that Miz couldn’t beat Rowdy Roddy Piper, here and now. Piper hems and haws about this, saying how he’s old and out of shape and he’ll /totally/ do it for $5000. Piper’s still sharp. Stone Cold thinks this is a great idea (there’s a great moment where Steve’s voice booms out over the speakers, and Piper looks straight up and says, “God, is that you?”) and makes the match official. But, since Steve’s a shifty fellow, he makes the special guest referee Alex Riley. Well, we all know where this is going, as Alex screws over the Miz to give Piper the win, but even if it is predictable, it gives Alex an edge and a legitimate one-up on the Miz, throwing some heat on their fire.
It’s Diva match time, As it’s All Star Night, we have a seven on seven match, with the good girls (AJ, Kaitlyn, Kelly, Beth, Natalya, Gail, and Eve) vs. the bad girls (Melina, Alicia, Bella 1 and 2, Rosa, Tamina, and Maryse). Now, you’d think that, given we have a total of 14 women here, we’d at least get one of the actually good wrestlers in, or even give everyone a chance to use their finishers. But no, the match will consist entirely of Kelly and Rosa, in a squash match. Yes, Kelly gets squash matches now. What the eff. So, match over. What was the point of having all the Divas come out when twelve of them were going to be doing absolutely nothing? There is no point. I still have no idea what the booking staff’s infatuation with Kelly is. What’s really irritating about all this is nearly every other Diva at ringside is better than what we got.
By the way, I still notice there is no Drew McIntyre tonight. He’s gotten, what, two matches since coming over to Raw? Give him back to Smackdown, I want him to kill Orton!
We then get probably the best backstage segment ever, with Stone Cold and CM Punk. Punk comes up, and Steve casually offers him a beer.
“What?”
“Do you want a beer?”
“What?”
“...Do you want a beer?”
“What?”
“Shot of whisky?”
“What?”
“Vodka? Gin? C’mon, make up your mind.”
“Yeah, that ‘What’ thing is pretty annoying, isn’t it?”
“Well, yeah, it is pretty annoying...”
“Well, Steve, I have to say, you’ve made at least one good decision as GM (referring to his match with Cena as the main event), which isn’t bad considering how many beers you’ve downed. Can you recite the alphabet backwards?”
“I can kick your ass backwards.”
Seriously, what I wouldn’t give to have Steve back in his prime so he could have a drawn out rivalry with Punk.
Main event time, with Cena vs. Punk. I personally like how these two work in the ring together. I think Punk is at his best when going against the ultimate good guys, as he knows how to present himself as a villain and provide a challenge which needs to be overcome by the hero. Cena does a good job here as well, putting Punk’s moves over before making his comeback. And then, just as everyone thinks we’re about to see another Cena miraculous comeback, who should appear but R-Truth? He’s hanging about in the crowd, talking to all the Little Jimmies wearing Cena shirts, and it looks as if he’s planning on doing something malicious again. I like how aghast Cena is that Truth might go after his fans: the man cannot be hurt physically, but his caring about the fans is his weakness. Punk then comes back and gives Cena the GTS to win. The crowd is shocked that Punk winds up winning this, and some of the reactions from both the marks and smarks are interesting. Truth makes his way to the ring, decks Cena in the face with a bottle of water, and then takes the WWE Title, posing with it.
So that was Monday Night Raw. A lot happened in this one, but it wasn’t really the best. The matches were short, so there wasn’t much substance. Some of the plots were advanced, such as Miz/Riley and especially with Truth and Cena, and the Stone Cold bits were fun. But given that this was a three hour show, it didn’t really make the most of it, and frankly, probably could have been fit into a regular two hour, just without the Smackdown matches.
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