I’m actually getting a Raw review in before the week is out. My God. Of course, it’s done at the expense of skipping over last Friday’s review, but given that the only thing of interest that happened was Mark Henry being suspended in the story in order to finally let his ankle heal, I don’t think we’re missing much.
The show opens, oddly enough, by announcing what matches we’re going to have tonight: a Six Pac Challenge between the contestants of the Elimination Chamber to decide who gets to enter the fray last, as well as a match between Daniel Bryan and Big Show. I only bring this up because this is one of the rare times the show opens by talking about the wrestling itself. But before we can wrestle, we need to see Triple H, who comes out to the ring. Because none of us will be able to watch our wrestling show in peace without our King of Kings fix. Trips first would like to address the situation with Laurinaitis last week, making it clear that his intention last week was to fire him, even though he didn’t finish his sentence. I’m sorry, Triple H, but wrestling logic says that if the sentence isn’t finished, then the order was never given. You can’t just change the rules. I also get a kick out of Trips calling Laurinaitis unmanly, as he’s a lying manipulative backstabber. If not for the rest of Hunter’s speech, as we shall see, I would have believed that he was intentionally using irony as a joke here; however, we’re going to learn today that Triple H lives on an entirely different plane of existence than the rest of us. In the meantime, it seems that the Raw GM has gone over his head, and is talking to the board personally to try and keep his job. Triple H is too cool for all this, though, so he’s going to skip right to talking about Undertaker, and proceed to get under my skin. Last week, as we know, Trips declined the Undertaker’s request for a rematch at Wrestlemania: says Hunter, he used to be in constant awe and fear of the Undertaker, until their match at Wrestlemania, because Taker was unable to leave the ring under his own power. Of course, he noticeably omits the fact that Taker had to be carted out of the ring /after beating Triple H./ In fact, he beat him by making him tap out, and last I checked, tapping out means that you were not, in fact, tougher than the other guy.
And now, Triple H has to be a douche: he says he was no longer in awe of the Undertaker, and that he in fact felt bad for him. I’m sorry, but a man who has died five times doesn’t need your pity, especially when he beat you. And then, after running a montage of why the Undertaker is awesome, Trips shows us the clip of the aftermath of their Wrestlemania match, where Undertaker can’t get up, after beating Triple H /by making him tap out/. Triple H believes that this moment tarnishes everything now, and that he has a hard time taking the Undertaker seriously. Triple H also starts talking about how the Undertaker has limits, and that Trips doesn’t want to have to be the one to kill him. Now, if all of this was designed to make Triple H almost a heel in order to get us behind the Undertaker, I would have less of a problem with it. But it’s not: the design of this is to inflate Triple H’s ego and put him over like he’s too good for the Undertaker now. Much like the “walk out” of the staff in the fall, the feud with Kevin Nash, and his wallowing in power last week with Lauriinaitis, this is designed to make Triple H look good. He wants to come off as the reluctant warrior who’s trying to be honorable. What’s so odd about all this is that Triple H is suddenly reluctant to be the bad guy, when he spent most of his career as one.
Remember: I’m a Triple H /fan./ God only knows what his haters think.
Just as last year, it’s up to the Undertaker to make me care about this storyline. As Trips prepares to leave the ring, his music stops, and the lights go out. It’s time for another montage. We see Undertaker watching a movie of his last match, sitting in his chair as the film is projected on a wall. I do love how he still has that throne from the nineties, though one has to wonder where exactly Taker lives. Undertaker’s motivations are much better: he knows that he couldn’t walk out of the ring, and he doesn’t want people to continue thinking that he was the weaker man. He doesn’t waste time belittling Triple H or saying he’s not worthy: his goal is to kick ass and take names. Also, he’s way more grounded in reality than Triple H. He knows that he couldn’t walk out of the ring, and wants to correct that image. He’s not going to beg Hunter for a match, he’s going to make him accept. The difference between Undertaker’s godmoding and Triple H’s godmoding is that Triple H has to talk about how godlike he is to convince others, while the Undertaker barely needs to talk at all because everybody already knows. Triple H needs to revel in his power and rub it in everyone’s face, while the Undertaker lets his actions do the talking.
But now, after a nearly twenty minute promo, it’s time for the Big Show vs. Daniel Bryan. I’m not sure why this is on Raw and not Smackdown, but okay. Daniel Bryan enters first, and summons girlfriend AJ to follow him, but AJ, in a neck brace, is hesitant. Bryan goes back up the ramps to console her, and tells her that she’s going to be safe. I love how Bryan thinks that bringing her to ringside, directly in to harms way, and then telling her that she’ll be safe, is a good thing. The match starts, and Show goes after Bryan quickly. Bryan tries to run to the corners, but Show is right there, and begins to punch away. Bryan starts to kick him in the shins, but Show levels him with a headbutt. He tries to go for a running tackle, but Bryan drops him with a kick to the knees. Even something as small as taking out Show while he’s running, instead of him standing still, is what makes Bryan’s matches with him more enjoyable than most who fight the Big Show. Bryan gets Show into a single leg Boston Crab (rather than just stomping), but Show gets back to his feet, whipping Bryan and then spearing him. Another thing I like about Show’s matches with Bryan: he’s never delegated to just lying here and being stomped on in order to get the other guy into the match. He’s allowed to make comebacks and contribute regularly. Show tries to Chokeslam Bryan, who catches it and turns it into a butterfly hold. He also manages to counter a high kick from the giant by catching the leg and then snapping it down. Again, Bryan keeps finding ways to keep a match with an opponent who ways twice as much as he does spontaneous and interesting. Bryan tumbles out of the ring, and complains that his knee is busted. Show is about to follow, but AJ intercepts him, and convinces Big Show to lay off. Of course, once he turns, Bryan tries to attack Show from behind. Show is about to charge Bryan, who ducks out of the way, but Show manages to stop himself before actually hitting AJ, pulling up by holding onto the ring post. Bryan is horrified that Show was about to hurt his girlfriend again (disregarding the fact that he brought her there) and drags AJ back up the ramp, and gets counted out. Bryan, of course, points out that because Show could stop himself this time, he probably could have stopped from running into AJ the first time, and thus Big Show is nothing but a big jerk. Bryan, on the other hand, loves his girlfriend and will not let anything happen to her. I love Bryan’s complete obliviousness to his wrong doings. It gives him a different angle: he doesn’t just think he’s right, he has no inclination that he’s wrong, whereas most heels at least seem to actively alienate people intentionally.
And now that we’ve had our match, we get: cars. A Nascar driver whose name I don’t care to remember is here is to make Cena that official flag waver at the Daytona 5000. Well, that’s special. And just in case you were still tuckered out from our one match, you also get a montage on the history of the Elimination Chamber. It occurs to me that we’re over fourty minutes into the show, and we’ve only had the one match. I suppose having six of your big names in the same match cancels out the obvious match ups, but still. There’s a lot of mid carders who I’m sure would like the screen time.
Out to ring comes David Otunga, wearing his sweater vest and drinking from his coffee mug. He wants to come out to try and promote Laurinaitis, and prays that the board of directors keeps him as the GM. And pray he does, getting down on his knees for a moment of silence. I like how much Otunga has settled in to his lawyer-lackey persona. He plays it very well, and adds a lot to the non-wrestling portion of the show. Suddenly, it’s announced that Triple H has arbitrarily decided that Otunga is going to have match against Sheamus at this moment in time. Of course, this means that Triple H has disregarded Otunga’s constitutional right to prayer, but then, Hunter is also a King of Kings, so I’m sure Jesus understands. Again, I’d like to point out that Sheamus won the Royal Rumble, but there’s still no important match for him. I know that there’s not much he can do rivalry rise until after the Elimination Chamber, when he’ll go after the Champion of his choice, but running him out in mean-nothing matches doesn’t put a ton of momentum in his corner. The match starts, and Otunga, being smart, tries to get out of harms ways by running away. Not a bad move. But Sheamus catches up with him and begins to lay a beating. Now, I like a good Sheamus fight, but not only is this not really a match, but doesn’t really do anyone in it any favors. Sheamus really ought to havce bigger fish to fry, and Otunga, given that he is fighting in his sweater vest, is made to look even weaker than he already is. Otunga levels Sheamus with a DDT, and then proceeds to stomp. I had hopes that Otunga had moved away from stomping as his main arsenal, but then, he doesn’t have a lot of time to work on his skills. Sheamus Brogue Kicks him in the noggin and wins. Dandy.
Well, if we’re going to waste more time, it might as well be Jericho wasting time, because then at least it’s fun. Chris is noticeably less chipper than in past weeks. Indeed, he seems more like the no-fun Jericho of 2010. I feel like in under a month, we’ve seen every face of Jericho, which is kind of cool. You can also tell that we’re back to a more evil Jericho, because he indeed starts talking, and claims that his appearance is indeed the end of the world as we know it: simply by being here, he has made everyone else on the show obsolete, because all they are is Jericho wannabes, who keep stealing his ideas and moves. As much as I love over-the-top, fun loving Jericho, I love when he’s a snarky, smug bad guy, because he plays it so well. He says that he did the suit thing before Miz, he did flashy moves before Kofi Kingston, he had catch phrases before Truth, he had valets before Ziggler, all of which are true, but of course, he didn’t really invent them, which is what makes his attitude even better. Compare Jericho’s self riteous ranting to Triple H’s: Jericho’s is laden with intentional irony and obvious flaws to make him more boo-able, while Triple H just truly seems oblivious. And he reserves the most venom for CM Punk. Punk stole the line of being the best in the world, and that just will not do. Only Jericho is the Best in the World at what he does, and to steal his catch phrase is gimmick infringement. He also brings up that he eliminated 28 other men in the Rumble. Irrational beliefs are the best beliefs. But Punk isn’t going to stand for this, and comes out with mic in hand. Punk and Jericho stare off, and surely the internet is confused as to who it’s rooting for here. Punk opens his mouth as if to talk, and instead drops it, opting to raise the belt above his head instead. It’s a solid moment: the usually outspoken Punk knows he really doesn’t need to say anything except that he’s the champ and Jericho’s not, while playing off of Jericho’s silent promos of previous weeks. Sometimes, less is more. He also turns his back, and waits expectantly for Jericho to whack him on the noggin, but Jericho, although prepping for it, doesn’t go for it. Punk leaves without saying a word, while Jericho is, of course, indignant that Punk didn’t say anything. Reasons why this rivalry already works: Jericho’s style of heel, who intentionally tries to get booed at every turn, means Punk can be a bit of a jerk to him, but we don’t feel bad, or that his attitude is misplaced. Also, I believe this is the first feud since Cena that Punk has had with an actual wrestler (Triple H barely counts). Punk can execute his snide wit on Jericho, because Y2J intentionally sets up for it, like right here with Punk mocking the silent promo. It’s not just name calling and insults, it’s a thought out scene that gets the right mood across.
And now, of all things, an actual match: Wade Barret and Cody Rhodes vs. the Great Khali and Randy Orton (And again, this isn’t on Smackdown, why?). Also, Khali and Orton on the same team: Surely, this is someone’s cruel idea of a joke. The match starts with Orton and Rhodes and some Irish Whips. Orton hits a shoulder tackle, and then hits Cody with a Legacy stomp, then tags in Khali by slapping him on the chest. I’d needlessly hit Khali too if I were on his team. Seriously, just by having Khali on the screen, my appreciation for Orton goes up droves. Barrett has to literally run into a Khali clothesline while Khali just stands there. That’s how absurd Khali in a match is. Khali returns the slap-tag in kind to Orton, who gets a neckbreaker from Barrett for his trouble. He and Cody stomp on Randy to see how he likes it. Orton doesn’t take kindly to being stomped on, and tries to punch out Rhodes, but gets a dropkick for his troubles. There’s a neat counter as Orton catches Cody’s bulldog and works it into a backdrop suplex. Khali stands at the apron ineffectual as Barrett is about to blatantly interfere. Good effort, Khali. Orton is about to RKO Cody when Khali tags himself in, and proceeds to amazingly just sort of stand there, waiting until Cody tries to do his leaping kick and awkwardly forcing himself to fall into a Khali Chop to take the fall. Even Khali’s finisher is painfully slow. Orton, of course, doesn’t like having his parade rained on, and hits an RKO on Khali. I’m not even going to gripe about his betrayal of his partner here, because it’s the Great Khali, and God knows he /should/ be RKOd.
Time for more random Divas match ups. It’s the same match up as the Royal Rumble. Only this time, they get to enter to Eve’s music. Beth gets to slam around Eve a bit before forcibly tagging in Nikki. Man, all the tag partners are jerks tonight. Nikki gets in a neckbreaker, and in all fairness, the Bellas keep getting better. It’s hard to shake off the memories of their being mostly arm candy for the guest hosts in 2009, but they really have improved somewhat. Tamina tags in, but, in a bit of a silly move, sets up for the splash in the enemy corner. Team Bad Girls don’t even get to push her off, as the Good Girls infantry blocks the attempt. Tamina gets the pin on Nikki, and then her and Beth get a staredown, with Beth nodding in approval. I do very much hope for a match between these two.
Backstage, Laurinaitis is here to play nice with Trips. He reminds Hunter that he’s still the GM of Raw, and as such is going about doing his job, making an Ambulance Match for the Elimination Chamber between Cena and Kane. Thank you for finally giving them the match stipulation they deserve. Also, Laurinaitis informs us that next week, Shawn Michaels will be on the show, leading to a great piece of comedy where Laurinaitis is listing off all of HBK’s titles and accolades, and Trips snaps by yelling that he knows who he is. See, if Triple H could get over himself, and just do backstage bits, I would not mind him nearly so much. He can do comedy, he can do the evil boss routine, but he just won’t stop reading his own press and move on.
And now for the main event: a Six Pac match between CM Punk, Chris Jericho, The Miz, R-Truth, Kofi Kingston, and Dolph Ziggler. It’s worth noticing that Jericho is wearing trunks, not shiny tights. Truly, he’s back to being evil. The match starts, and everyone goes to beat up on Jericho in retaliation for his words earlier. I’m not going to even try to do a play by play of this, because there’s an awful lot happening here. That’s a good thing, though: all the men in the ring are working. Except Jericho, who is lurking outside, dastardly Ayatollah of Rock n Rollah that he is. Things eventually empty out of the ring, as Punk tumbles out after missing a high knee, then Truth tossing Miz out before jumping out himself. Unfortunately, Truth does not land the senton right, and you can see that he smacks his head pretty good on the ground. I don’t know if that’s the Miz’s fault for not catching him right, or if it’s just bad luck, but Truth is forced to leave the match as a result. Kofi cross bodies the lot of them, and Ziggler fakes a jump out, but stops to do some posing instead. I’m glad that Ziggler had time to do his show off thing, because in a ring with Jericho and Punk, it’s easy to get lost, and Ziggler is too good to be completely overshadowed. Back in the ring, Miz and Ziggler have teamed, and are fighting Punk. There’s a neat move as Punk hits a DDT on Miz while also hitting a neckbreaker on Ziggler. Punk tries to lock in the Vice on Ziggler and Miz, but Kofi breaks things up. The match is more about one or two guys now then having all six going at once, but then, I don’t mind the people in the ring showcasing their stuff. Especially considering that the storyline focus here is clearly Punk and Jericho, and if all the other guys get their own individualized screen time to remind the audience that they’re relevant, I won’t complain. Kofi eventually gets dumped out of the ring, and Punk and Jericho are facing off, before Miz and Ziggler hit both of them from behind. I get déjà vu here with Miz trying to fight to make everyone know that he’s an important heel too. What I’m afraid of here is that once again, a match that should be about multiple people gets devolved to just two, in this case Punk and Jericho, when everyone in this match has great character and talent and should be written into the thick of things.
Jericho and Miz both try to pin a knocked out Punk and Ziggler, who both kick out, before turning their attention to one another. Miz is about to hit the Finale when Jericho ducks and Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise, sending Miz out of the ring. Jericho and Kofi exchange high flying moves, and again, how awesome is Jericho in his matches for making the other guy look good? He could easily just trounce Kofi to make sure the crowd knows that he is indeed the Best in the World, and set up for what I suspect will be further Punk/Jericho shenanigans, but instead uses his talents to make the guy in the ring look good and make the overall match good. Eventually Punk manages to hit the GTS on Ziggler, but Jericho drags him out of the ring, and then steals the pin for himself. How dastardly! Jericho returns fire from earlier by sitting in the ring cross legged, ala CM Punk.
But the show is not over. Kane is backstage with Eve, telling her how he’s afraid that things are about to get out of control with Cena if he doesn’t embrace the hate soon. Eve is, of course, rendered unable to do much of anything, and one wonders if this story is eventually going to center primarily around her, or if she’s always going to be an accessory to Cena and Ryder.
So that was Monday Night Raw, and my God, was that a lot of promos. The main event made up for most of it, but still, that was an awful lot of talking. The Triple H opener went on much too long, as well as generally annoyed me, and while I do love Jericho, I don’t know that having him run a promo before having a match later in the evening was completely necessary. Still, given that we’re closing in on Wrestlemania, I suppose it’s only natural that the storylines start to kick it into high gear at the expense of wrestling on the show.
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