It's the Triple H and CM Punk Hypocrisy Show!

Would you believe I had this written up on the Tuesday after Raw, and then completely forgot to post it? I’m good at this, I swear.

The show opens with John Laurinaitis issue, and whether or not he will be fired tonight. Funny that the main concern on everyone’s mind is the Royal Rumble winner, but whatever. Laurinaitis starts by sucking up as he walks in, shaking hands with everyone. I can’t understand why the tag line of Laurinaitis being boring sticks, because he is so hilarious in how artificial he is. The GM isn’t worried about the state of affairs, he announces, because after all, he’s good buddies with Triple H, and if you’re buddies with a Nordic God, you’re set for life. Of course, friendships with Triple H are the most tentative thing ever, but we’ll go with it. Instead of fretting, Laurinaitis prefers to actually focus on the show. That’s somewhat refreshing, what with the GM of Raw actually caring about the upkeep of the show. First, he announces who the entrants in the Raw Elimination Chamber will be: Cmp Punk, Kofi Kingston, Dolph Ziggler, the Miz, R-Truth, and Chris Jericho. This is possibly the best six man line up I could fathom. On top of this, he also makes a match between Punk and Daniel Bryan, which negates any and all ideas that he’s out of touch with the crowd. Of course, Punk interrupt, because, like all good firing scenarios in wrestling, you need to sing Kiss Him Goodbye. The crowd takes forever to pick up the chant, but eventually get into it (actually, the Kansas crowd is really bland tonight). I often wonder if anyone knows any other lines from this song. I do love when Punk gets right into GM’s face and sings in his face. Laurinaitis, on the other hand, thinks Punk owes him an apology, since he did /not/ screw Punk out of the title at the Royal Rumble. I love the logic present in that argument. Punk disagrees, saying he owes him nothing, but then resorts to name calling. I hate when Punk resrots to petty insults, because he’s shown himself to be better than that time and time again. He wanted to see his dimwitted face one last time, but applauds him for a few good laughs over the last week, somehow managing to both suck and blow at the same time. He also says he can’t wait for Trips to come out and fire him, which is probably the only time Punk is happy that Hunter is present on the show.

Yet, it is not Triple H who comes out, but, of all people, Daniel Bryan, who happily announces “Hi, everyone it’s me!” The self awareness of his absurd status as a heel character is fantastic: he’s not going to brood, because he can’t intimidate anyone that way, so what he’s going to do instead is exaggerate how much he still thinks of himself as a good guy. Indeed, the new schtick he’s going for now is that not only is he, in fact, the best wrestler in the world, but he’s also vegan, and thus is the perfect role model. And as we all now, the greater wrestling audience hates anything that might not be considered standard living, and thus boos are earned. He also informs Punk that after beating Big Show and Mark Henry, the WWE Champion isn’t much of a challenge. But, finally, the writers remember that there was a Royal Rumble the night before, and out comes Sheamus. He hates to break up the love fest, but he’d like to remind everyone that he won the Rumble, but then, for some reason, feels the need to state the obvious that the two champs will defend their titles at Elimination chamber, and that GM might be fired tonight. I don’t know why Sheamus is delegated to exposition duty here. His parting shot is to further insult the GM, which is a bit odd. What did he ever do to Sheamus?

Our first match of the night is Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler, which, as we shall see, is a surprising outing from everyone’s hated Viper. For some reason, Wade Barrett is watching from the skybox, but keeps cutting in on commentary. Don’t know why he’s there and not at the desk, but whatever. It’s also worth noting that Ziggler’s taken to wearing a hood over his head, but he doesn’t pull it off as well as Cody does. The match starts off surprisingly fast, with a few Irish whips, until Ziggler again stops the bounce so he can do a pose. I hope he moves away from the Flair strut and makes his own pose, because only one blonde showoff can do the strut. Orton drags Dolph to the ground with a head lock, but Dolph fights back. Orton gets back up and tackles Dolph.  What’s immediately impressive here is that the match continues to be fast. Orton builds momentum, but never to the point of pure domination. The slowest the match gets is when Orton has to setup Dolph for a superplex, and even then I’m not going to complain, because not only is Orton showing more life in a match than ever before, but he’s expanded his moveset. It seems the farther Orton gets from his Viper character, the less afraid he is to have a good match. Prior, he used to just absorb moves before hitting an RKO, in order to show how invincible he is. As we see here, he’s willing to give and take in the match, both taking and giving moves, thus giving more meat to the middle of the match as well as not rendering the rest of the match pointless besides the ending. Also, the difference is that there isn’t such a massive bridge of time in between his moves. He’s keeping up the action, keeping momentum, instead of just sort of hanging around until his cue is on. It makes him actually work for his win. Orton hits the RKO for the win, but I don’t mind it nearly as much.

Backstage, the GM is handshaking the crew, including William Regal and Curt Hawkins. Lauriniatis asks Regal how his sons are doing, and Regal informs him that he has daughters, and then mumbles something about keeping them in the attic. Why Regal isn’t on TV more often is a mystery.

The next match is the Funkasarus vs. Tyler Reks. The dinosaur references here are outstanding. This match, while short, gives us a little better viewing of Brodus than we’ve seen thus far. He starts by throwing punches, but then Reks hits a drop kick, then punches him. It seems like they’re no longer afraid to have Clay be hit, and also permits him to put up a greater scope of offense. But then, Brodus starts to hulk up, and then hits Reks with a body slam. I am not a fan of hulking up: I didn’t like it when Hogan did it, I don’t like when Orton does it, and I’m not inclined to like it now.  Brodus hits the crossbody to get the win. Again, short, but getting better. People are getting shots in on him, and it’s not so one sided

Backstage, Bryan meets Punk again. Why they’re interacting in the locker room only a few minutes before their match is unknown. Punk informs that Bryan that both of them are underdogs who’s triumph come from overcoming odds, and thus can’t really consider themselves role models, because their stand as heroes relies on circumstance. That’s surprisingly meta. Bryan responds by telling Punk about the dangers of meat, which is going to be our new heat gaining technique, I see. Punk informs him that he’s Straight Edge, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to tell others how to live. I want everyone to think about those words coming out of the mouth of CM Punk: Straight Edge does not, in fact, make him better than anyone. So I guess the line of attack here is on Bryan being arrogant, and Punk being real, which I can get behind, but sadly, my ability to remember further back than two weeks ago makes it hard to take this overly seriously.

CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan is next, and I’m surprised that it’s in the middle of the show, until I remember that Triple H is here, and of course considers himself the true main event. The two start with a few handshakes, and then grapple. Punk headlocks, and then shoulder tackles. Bryan retaliates with a drop kick. Bryan turns Punk over for a modified surfboard stretch. I like that Punk tries to fight out of it, instead of limply letting him lock it in. Punk breaks out, and puts another headlock on Bryan before kneeing him in the back. Bryan breaks out and drops a knee on Punks head, and it’s at this moment that I actually found myself underwhelmed with this match. I know this is a sacriligeous thing to put on the internet, but I personally think that the pacing is a bit too methodical. It’s very much Bryan hits a move, then Punk, then Bryan, etc. Now, I certainly won’t complain about a good back and forth, but the speed in which this is executed makes it feel more plodding, which isn’t helped by the amount of headlocks and holds. Everytime the speed seems to pick up, the match reverts to a hold. Punk manages to dump Bryan out of the ring, and then drops and elbow on his back. Then Bryan kicks Punk a few times, then a head lock. Punk springs off the top rope and hits Bryan with a cross body. Bryan tries to hit Punk with a running drop kick, but misses and hits the turnbuckle. And then another headlock. Even when you get a good combo, there didn’t seem to be any speed to it. Bryan hits Punk’s arm with a drop kick, puts him in a sort of arm bar, then hits a DDT, but there’s nothing snappy about it. I mean, there’s no dead moments, but it’s a bit of an odd tempo for two speedy workers. Things gets a bit better when Punk gets in a hurricanrana off the top turnbuckle, and then starts to get his own in against Bryan, with a clothesline and spinning neckbreaker, leading into the high knee into the bull dog. Punk signals for the GTS, but Bryan skedaddles out of the ring. Punk attempts a suicide dive, but Bryan blocks it with a fore arm. Then, back into the ring, hits a missle drop kick. As the match goes on, the moves get flashier. Bryan tries to set up the Lebell lock, but Punk worms out and hits the catapult into the turnbuckle. Props that they haven’t used the same move twice (aside from headlocks). But then, to show that the booking staff realized they couldn’t have one of these men win over the other without one half of the internet exploding, they decide instead to only add to the internet’s joy. Chris Jericho, being a no fun Freddy, interferes and first hits Bryan, then gets into the ring to hit Punk with a Codebreaker. Bryan wins by DQ, but of course, treats it like it was all him. I demand that Bryan’s next shirt have “Yes!” written on it. I’m more than happy to set-up for a Jericho/Punk feud.

Our next match is Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz. R-Truth comes out in a vest and shirt, dressed very snappily, and will be on commentary. Cole goads Truth about his insane antics, but Truth announces that he’s here as himself, and Little Jimmy is nowhere near here. I’m almost sad that Truth’s insanity is gone, but they worked it out gradually by having Truth warm up to being back to true face status, so it’s not been jarring. Miz comes out with a mic, which always means good things are to come. He’s angry because Kofi has gotten more coverage for doing a handstand, while Miz lasted 45 minutes and no one noticed. He’s got a point. But he’s still confident that can turn things around in time for Wrestlemania. Kofi comes out in his Riddler-esque trunks, and I realize this is the first Kofi singles match in a while. Once again, I know it’s sacriligeous, but I enjoyed this match more than the previous Bryan vs. Punk, primarily because the two men involved aren’t aiming to fulfill the fantasies of millions of fan boys, but instead are content to go out and have a good match, which they do. Things open with a few grapples and speedy reverses. Kofi dodges a few clotheslines, but gets caught into a semi camel clutch. Miz begins to stomp and wail on Kofi, but notice how this one starts with a speedy momentum, as opposed to the more methodical one with Punk and Bryan. The two exchange more punches and kicks than real wrestling moves, but keep the motion constant and exciting. The speed makes the combinations of moves and reversals more interesting to watch: Miz gets in his clothesline in the turnbuckle, and then drops an axehandle. Kofi rallies back by reversing an Irish Whip into a roll up pin, then Miz hits a DDT. He tries his turnbuckle move again, but Kofi blocks it with a leg in the face, and then a lateral crossbody. The back and forth here, as compared to the Punk and Bryan match, is more spontaneous rather than cued, helped by the speed of the match to make the reversals truly look off the cuff, rather than being executed because it was their turn to hit a move. I also love the set up for the ending: Kofi jumps with an axe handle, Miz catches him by the arm to set up the Finale, which Kofi counters into a snapmare, and manages to hit Trouble in Paradise for the win. Again, I think this was the true match of the night: The match was speedy, with a lot of reversals, no dead moments, constant rising action, and each man got to show off and contribute.

The next match is Eve vs. Beth Phoenix, but the match really isn’t what matter here. What matters is Eve’s continued role in the Cena/Kane storyline, which in and of itself I don’t mind, but then, there’s no point in giving the illusion of a match here.  Case in point: when she enters, Eve is noticeably concerned, looking over her shoulder and looking generally put out; of course, she’s not worried about her opponent, but Kane. Beth is almost superfluous here, which is a pity, because she still doesn’t have much of a contender for her title, or a plot of her own. Indeed, the match is about ten seconds long, with Eve getting in a few punches before being Glam Slammed. To further emphasize the pointlessness of the match, Beth winds up leaving the ring immediately once Kane appears on the Titantron. He asks Eve how it feels watching Zack get beaten up every week, because Cena won’t embrace that hate. Kane reminds us that until Cena does so, he will continue to do awful things, and to this end, he’s going to use Eve. The fire jets go off, and Eve, of course, is looking at the ramp, but Kane comes from behind. You’d think that there’d be some kind of reflex to at least try and run, but then, I’ve never been stared down by Kane, so I don’t know what kind of thoughts you can have in this situation. Thankfully, Cena is here to save the day. At least he’s got more aggression here than he did last night. He starts punching with gusto and Kane returns, with the hitting being fast and furious. This is what their Rumble match should have been like. Cena eventually takes to smashing Kane’s head on the steel steps. He also picks up said steps and hits Kane with them. He informs Kane that every time he gets up, he will knock him down. Cena is not a happy camper. Also notice that Cena is smiling like a loon through all of this. Kane retreats, and Cena is left triumphant in the ring. Almost too triumphant. I think the segment should have ended on more of a chilling note. Admittedly, this is just the way I read it, and I doubt they’re scrapping everything, but it’s not the way I would have ended it, is all.

And now our main event: Laurinaitis’s evaluation. I don’t care for when the main event is a promo. Laurinaitis says that before Trips evaluates him, he’d like to say that he’s not nervous, because his time on Raw has resulted in higher ratings. He then explains the process of self evaluation, and that he gave himself a lot of five out of fives. Triple H doesn’t think talking about numbers is manly, and thus interrupts. At least the two meet with a handshake, which is awful nice. Trips is, of course, still sore about Laurinaitis replacing him, and informs Laurinaitis that he wound up being worse than Hunter thought, and hates that he used his power to make himself a star. “You put yourself in the show week after week at the detriment of others to make yourself a star.” This came out of Triple H’s mouth. So, if I have this straight, Straight Edge does not make CM Punk better than you, and using your power to interject yourself on the show in a main event position is wrong. Part of me would like to think that the writers knew the irony they were running with, because if this was all done in ignorance, then no one on the staff deserves their job. Laurinaitis promises he’ll do anything to keep his job, and Hunter continues to revel in how much more power he has over the GM. Essentially, this is Triple H masturbating to himself and his power to make other people squirm. He asks Laurinatis to apologize to the audience. He does so to a loud chorus of boos. Trips asks the crowd if that was good enough. It obviously wasn’t, so he has to think of another way to diminish another man’s sense of manhood. Hunter alludes to the “kiss my ass club” like it was a good thing. Apparently, Trips is blissfully unaware that this was a low point in the WWE (in fact, I notice both times that DX was main eventing, the general product dropped in terms of quality). Laurinaitis puts on some lip chap in a great piece of dead pan, and is probably the only saving grace here. But, of course, this is all a big joke, and Hunter taunts him for it. Seriously, this whole segment was never about Laurinaitis at all, it was about Triple H feeding his ego. And remember that this come from a Triple H fan. I can only imagine how his haters handled this.

Then, just as Hunter is about to wish John best of luck in his future endeavours, the bell tolls and the lights go out.

Indeed, out comes the Undertaker, who is not only clean shaven,  but is wearing what I suspect is a wig. Laurinaitis does the smart thing and skedaddles out of their; note how Trips never finished his sentence, and thus John is yet to be actually fired. We then get déjà vu, as the Nordic God and the God of Darkness renew the staring contest they began last year prior to Wrestlemania. Only this time, Taker is the one interrupting and motioning first at the Wrestlemania logo. He makes the throat slashing motion and waits for Trips to second the motion. However, Hunter not only does not return in kind, he doesn’t even look at the logo. Instead, after a long and awkward  pause, Triple H instead opts to pat Undertaker on the shoulder, and then leaves the ring, leaving a very confused Deadman behind. I’m hesitant to make a judgement on all this, because I’m not entirely sure where they’re going with this. I fear a Wrestlemania rematch is all but inevitable, which I doubt anyone but Triple H wants; but then, if the storyline is good this time (IE, if they actually /have/ a storyline this time), I won’t complain too much. The thing I worry about most is that this might go the route of Undertaker having to prove to Triple H that they should have a match, when Taker is the one who’s already beaten him twice at Wrestlemania, and thus has nothing to prove. Whatever: Undertaker is back, and I’m always happy about that.

So that was Raw, and again, I found the best parts to come out of the unexpected. Orton had one of his better nights in a while, and the Miz/Kofi match was a great deal of fun. Laurinaitis, I still think, adds to the show, and an Undertaker return is always good for a pop or two.