Nothing but the Truth: Thank You, Edge

Edge has retired.

It appears that the injuries compiled over his career, specifically the time he broke his neck, have finally become insurmountable. He’s been in pain for a while, at times unable to feel his arms, and last week underwent a final check-up of his condition. The Doctors informed him that his spine is in critical condition, and if he wants to continue to walk for the rest of his life, he can no longer wrestle.

This is a pretty heavy blow to me. Edge is my second favourite wrestler of all time, second only to Mick Foley. He was the reason I came back to wrestling after a lengthy absence. It was during the build to Wrestlemania 24, and I tuned in to Smackdown just for kicks. Edge and Vickie were holding a eulogy for the Undertaker’s undefeated streak, and Edge was at his gleeful evil best, acting every part the total asshole that his heel-persona was, and being totally awesome at it. The charisma and, well, fun that he brought to this segment was enough to get me re-hooked. That’s how good this guy is.

Edge was the complete package. He could do everything that wrestling should be: he could have a technical match, high flying match, hardcore match, tag match, battle royal, cage match, and every other stipulation you could think of. What’s more, he could do them all exceptionally well. He was great on the mic, and better than that, the guy could act. I still hold that Edge has the best facial expressions the business has ever seen. When he was cowardly, he would go bug eyed and cringe. When he was insane, he would drop that brow to a glare, and put on that wolf-like smile as he waited to pounce. When he was a good guy, he could be laid back, witty, funny, and the kind of guy you’d want to hang out with. His promos were great, whether they were him and Christian telling Kurt Angle to go break Triple H’s never-ending nose, and that then they’d have cake; or yelling at the audience that they were a bunch of “wrong-turtles,”; Lambasting Foley as a washed up hack who cost him the WWE Title; beating up John Cena’s father; telling Chris Jericho, as he laid on his couch with a snapped Achilles tendon, that he would be back; carting Paul Bearer around in a wheel chair for a month. Every time this guy got to have a segment, it was instantly memorable.

It doesn’t hurt that he’s been involved in most of my favourite matches of all time. Edge & Christian vs. The Hardy Boyz vs. The Dudleys in their Ladder Match at Wrestlemania 2000; Edge vs. Mick Foley in a Hardcore Match; Edge vs. Undertaker, Hell in a Cell; Edge vs. Randy Orton for the Intercontinental Championship; and most recently, the 2011 Smackdown Elimination Chamber. The guy was just  great to watch: the skills he had within the ring, combined with his incredible awareness of his character, a fantastic sense of timing, the ability to be both the face and the heel… what more can you say other than Edge was awesome?

It’s sucky to see him go in any rate, but be that as it may, I’m glad that they caught the threat of paralysis before it became unavoidable, and that Edge can still walk. He gets to leave on a high note, having, in my opinion, the best match of Wrestlemania 27, and walks away as World Heavyweight Champion. He’s given us 13 years of some of the best wrestling moments I certainly remember, and all that remains to be said is: Thank you, Edge.

…Oh, right, the rest of the show.

We open with John Cena, here to hype the match between him and the Rock. Yes, you read that right: John Cena vs. The Rock. The match that everyone has been dying for years to see. A battle between two icons, the symbols of their generations. Two men adored by fans and popular culture. A match that will take place…

…in a year.

This monumental match is going to be taking place at Wrestlemania 28, April 1, 2012. We`re going to have to wait an entire year. It`s not the match I object to, or the fact that its taking place next year; it only makes sense that it occur at a Wrestlemania. What I object to is the fact that they announced it the day after Wrestlemania 27. I think the intent was to apologize for a relatively poor Wrestlemania, and promise that the next one will be better, but the effect was telling the fans that last night was a total waste of time, and that the real deal is yet to come. It`s holding a carrot in front of our noses and hope we keep running. More importantly to me, this was a terrible way to write this match into being. It`s not impossible to take a year to hype a match from one Wrestlemania to the next, with Randy Savage vs. Hulk Hogan being the obvious example. But at least there, you built on it slowly, have the grudges grow to the boiling point, and even though everyone knew what the final outcome would be, it was treated with the grace of narrative arc, not just skipping right to the end. Now they have nothing to build with to get us to Cena/Rock, because they jumped the gun of potential drama and climax and went right to the end.

Cena informs us how he will be biding his time until next year, however: he thinks that his match with the Rock should be for the WWE title, and as such, he must become Champion again. Well, half a plot is better than no plot at all. Sadly for John, out comes Randy Orton, who thinks that John has already had his shot against the Miz at Wrestlemania, and that he ought to get to the back of the line. Which is funny, because the Miz has already beaten Orton twice in defending the title, so he’s not in much of a position to talk. Alas. John Morrison also comes out of the back, and in the line of the night, says, “John Cena and Randy Orton fighting for the #1 Contenders spot. I’ve seen this show before.” As have we all. Now, as happy as I’d be for Morrison vs. Miz, Miz has already beaten him in defending the title too. Shouldn’t /all/ of these guys be at the back of the line?

Not to be outdone, Vickie Guerrero and her valet, Dolph Ziggler… uh, wait… Dolph Ziggler and his manager Vickie Guerrero come out, where upon Vickie informs them all that if anyone deserves a title shot… it’s her! You know what, Vickie? You’re kind of right about that. Dolph tries to say something, but is interrupted by our final surprise appearance: R-Truth! Huh! Truth has kind of been AWOL for the last little bit, and the sudden insertion into the title scene is a bit… odd. He makes a good point when he says that out of all of them, he’s the only one who’s never been given a one-on-one title shot. Which is true, and I have to say, Truth really has come a long way from when he first started. I couldn’t stand the guy when he started, but now, he’s picked up some moves, he doesn’t flip around as much, he can put on his serious face when he needs to, and he’s over with the crowd. I don’t think he’s main event material yet, and you couldn’t base the show around him until he gets more depth to his character, but he’s a good draw.

With all of this kerfuffle going on in the ring, what is to be done? Luckily, the Evil (Benevolent? He seems to be getting toned down) Raw GM Laptop announces that the #1 contender will be decided tonight in a convoluted stipulation: a five man gauntlet match. Two people will start the match, and after one is pinned, the next wrestler will enter, until the end, where one man will have outlasted the other. Why this couldn’t have been done in a battle royal, or something slightly less confusing, is unclear.

So we go to our first match of the night: One of the Bellas (there’s really no point in giving them names) vs. Eve for the Divas Title. What’s that, you ask? What was the story leading up to this improper title match? There was none. Just another completely random day in Diva land. No idea why the Bellas are the ones to get the challenge, no idea why Eve accepts, no idea of much of anything. Long story short, Bella 1 manages to win, with some assistance from Bella 2. Fine, whatever: every other woman on the roster has got to hold the title, they should to. What bugs me here is how this is a total shaft to Eve: they gave her the title at the Rumble, and then proceeded to never let her have screen time, a good feud, a decent title defence, or a match at Wrestlemania. This is too bad, because Eve is actually pretty solid: she’s good in the ring, she has a good on-screen presence, she actually has a personality, she’s well spoken.

Now, having said that, we get into some intrigue for the women’s division, something they’ve never encountered before: an actual plot (gasp!). Eve is in the locker room, looking livid, and when Gail tries to console her, Eve cries bull-crap on her, and that the problem with the Divas is that they all just hang around like vultures waiting for their turn to grab the championship (it’s funny, because it’s true!). Natalya also appears, and gets much of the same response from Eve, who storms off, leaving the perplexed Divas wondering what’s going on. This is all highlighted by a video promo of a close up of a Bratz doll, which proceeds to have it’s head flicked off, accompanied by maniacal cackling. As an avid advocate (four A’s in a row…) for the betterment of the women’s division in the WWE, I support this plot.

And now, the in ring debut of the much  ballyhooed Sin Cara. Now, I’m always something of a cynic when it comes to the introduction of “big names.” I don’t really pay much attention to independent or foreign wrestling, and so I’m out of the loop a lot, and as such, was not as excited at the signing of Sin Cara (formerly Mistico) as others. But, color me surprised, if I wasn’t excited before, I am now. His match tonight was against Primo, and it was pretty damn good. What I liked about this match was that it wasn’t a squash-match; usually when the WWE wants to create a new superstar, they let them mow over people with ease. But this was a great back-and-forth match. Sin Cara was not afraid to sell Primo’s moves, created drama, which made his perseverance and sparks of offense all the more effective. Also, he wasn’t just flipping around, though his aerial moves were indeed impressive. The timing of the match was just very well carried out, with Sin Cara being beaten on for just the right amount of time before mounting a comeback, which was both believable in its execution and fun to watch. And the finish, with that moonsault off the top rope while taking Primo with him, was fantastic, though I wonder how he’ll be able to do that against the larger wrestlers. All in all, it’s good to have Sin Cara on board. All I’m concerned about it personality. I need a reason to care about the character, amazing or not.

Out next, we have the Corre, about to signal something I’ve been waiting months to see happen. Wade indicates that their attempted assault on the Rock and Cena last week was not in any way his fault, and that the rest of them had better pull their socks up (it’s funny, because it’s true!). Gabriel, Slater, and Jackson then try to make their own claims as to why they’re the reason the Corre has succeeded, but no one is buying it. Face it, boys, without the sole personality of Wade Barrett, no one would even know who you are. Especially Gabriel and Slater, whom I still can’t believe didn’t get the chop in the Nexus (whatever happened to Skip Sheffield? I kind of liked him). Well, no time for bickering, because we have the sudden appearance of APPLE: The Allied People Powered by Loathing EverythingthattheCorrestandsfor! …uh, it’s as silly as it sounds. It’s a group formed of Santino (of course. Who did you /think/ would be in a group called APPLE?), Evan Bourne (welcome back!), Mark Henry (why not?) and Daniel Bryan (ouch… delegated to the comedy section. That’s pretty harsh, Dan). Well the match itself is all right, with the remarkably shocking and never at all predictable ending of the Corre cheating to get the win. Wade, just knife them! Escape while you can!

Next match: Jerry “The King” Lawler vs. Jack Swagger. It seems that if King wins this match, he gets to decide the stipulation for his rematch with Cole at the next PPV, Extreme Rules. However,  if Swagger wins, then Cole never has to fight King again, and can retire undefeated (never mind that Cole has been forced into matches in the past, and lost. Oh, continuity). To even the odds, King has good ol’ JR in his corner. It’s always fun to see JR, who, upon entering the arena, makes a bee line for Cole’s safety box and tries to break in, while Cole cowers. The match eventually starts, and it’s actually pretty good. In spite of my accusations that King didn’t have it anymore back in February, he has definitely got some gas left in the tank, and him and Swagger work well together. This all would have been so much better if Cole wasn’t insisting on doing commentary while at ring side. It seems that Cole believes that repeating the same line over and over and over and over and over and over is a good idea. It is not. After hearing “Give up, Lawler!” repeated 100x in a minute, the moment when JR finally goes over to Cole and punches him got an audible cheer out of me. The end of the match has Cole trying to interfere, getting stopped by JR, distracting Swagger, and having King roll him up for the pin. What I particularly like about this ending is that the loss is not Swagger’s fault, and that it doesn’t involve him looking bad: he’s been in danger of losing credibility in all this, but I think it’s avoided.

Well, Cole berates Swagger for losing the match, and slaps him. Swagger starts to fume, and advances towards the fleeing Cole, much to the delight of the crowd. If you were planning on turning Swagger into a face, this is the way to do it: not only has he been betrayed, but it’s done by the rat that everyone hates. The audience is totally backing Swagger here to kill Cole (aren’t we all?). To this end, Lawler announces his decision for their rematch at Extreme Rules: it will be a tag match (that’s not extreme…), with Lawler and JR (uh, cool, but I think having an actual wrestler would have been a better idea), vs. Cole and the now disgruntled Jack Swagger. Now, this promises to be the payoff that I wanted at Wrestlemania: three men who are royally pissed off at Cole, thus promising the beat-down he deserves. Don’t screw around with this one, bookers! Give the fans what we want! Give us the head of Michael Cole!

It is here that we have the retirement speech of Edge. It doesn’t hurt to say one more time: Thank you, Edge.

Main Event time. Starting out gauntlet match is Orton and Dolph. Nothing special here, except the ending, where the Nexus appears (and here I thought they had died. So much for hoping), distracting Randy, allowing Ziggler to win. And what would an appearance by the Nexus be without copious amounts of stomping? One day, those kids are going to have to learn some more moves.

Anyways, next man is R-Truth. Truth will be impressive in showing tonight, giving us an in-ring ability that I would not have expected three years ago. More importantly, he now has a half-decent finisher, which appears to be a mix of Jericho’s Codebreaker and Shelton Benjamin’s Paydirt. I’ll take anything over the ineffectual corkscrew crossbody (that wouldn’t do anything!). Truth wins, and has much of the same success against John Morrison. Moment of fate comes, however, when he has to face John Cena. I think it’s pretty bold to do a face vs. face here, as it more or less tries to get the crowd over with Truth at the expense of Cena (all of those people chanting “Cena sucks!” are going to be subconsciously cheering for Truth, whether they know it or not. Clever WWE…). The two of them get along pretty good in the ring, putting on a good show, until Miz and Alex Riley attack both competitors to earn the double disqualification. For it seems that the Miz has decided if both men are disqualified, then there shall be no #1 contender, and thus his title is safe (also of note: while Miz was one commentary during this match, he was putting on his serious/worried heel face when R-Truth was doing well. They are really trying to push Truth, aren’t they?). Unfortunately for the Miz, the Morally Ambiguous Laptop announces that as a result of the Miz’s actions, there are now two contenders for his title: R-Truth and John Cena, who will face the Miz at Extreme Rules in a Triple Threat match (that is also not extreme! What is the point of having a PPV named Extreme Rules when nothing extreme is happening?). I support this decision: they are trying to push Truth, but recognize his limitations, and are putting him with Cena in order to draw a crowd, while still giving Truth screen time. Also, this all goes into the plan of getting their younger kids into the title picture, something which is becoming increasingly urgent (in the last year, they’ve lost Batista, Shawn Michaels, Jericho, more or less Triple H and Undertaker, and now Edge. It’s never been so good to be young).

This was a really good episode of Raw. I like the decision to push Truth, the Divas are getting a plot, there’s promise of Cole getting destroyed, Sin Cara was impressive. What more could you ask for?

Thank you, Edge.