When Orton Smiles, a Puppy Dies

There have been some strange happenings in Smackdown over the last year, things which might be frightening and awe inspiring. We’ve seen Kane kill... sigh... we’ve seen Cody Rhodes, once Dashing, go completely around the bend. We’ve seen the Swagger Soaring Eagle be eaten by Hornswoggle for Thanksgiving. We’ve seen Edge play basketball with a bound and gagged Paul Bearer. But these things pale in comparison to what we saw this last Friday Night...

Randy Orton, smiling.

And not a forced smile. Not a creepy smile. But the smile of a man who genuinely looks like he wants to be smiling. This is the man who has spent the better part of three years impersonating a block of wood, and being just as entertaining. But here, as he walks out to open our evening... he looks like he’s having... fun. Fun and Randy Orton don’t go in the same sentence, and yet here they stand. Seriously, Orton looks like he’s having a good time. It’s weird, because when he does smile, he doesn’t look like an evil douchebag. I mean, when Kane smiles, I run for cover and pray to God that there are no chainsaws in the area, but here, Orton looks relaxed and nonchalant, like... a good guy. He looks like a good guy. For the first time in this absurd tweener run that he’s had, /Orton actually looks like a good guy and not someone who is going to knife you./

See? I told you it was weird.

We’re not done yet, though. Orton goes to the ring, picks up the mic, but each time he tries to say something, he gets interrupted with cheers. He plays with this for a bit, and then says, “And now, for those of you who /don’t/ know who I am...” Orton made a joke. Orton opened a promo with a joke. The man who’s made a career out of kicking people in the head and acting batshit crazy just opened with a joke. What’s more, it was kind of funny. What the blue blazes is going on?! Actually, I just put my finger on it: Blue. My theory has been proven: Smackdown makes everything better. Orton has come out and is not boring me. Only Smackdown could have done this. Don’t you /dare/ become almost tolerable, Orton, you’re the butt of all my jokes. Randy says that he’s happy to be back on Smackdown, and alludes to CM Punk and their Last Man Standing Match at Extreme Rules this Sunday (more on that PPV later), when we here, sadly for the last time in at least a year, Drew McIntyre’s music. As anyone who read my hate ridden rant about the draft, Drew is now on Raw, thus depriving me of my favourite current wrestler on my favourite show. Damn your eyes, Raw. Drew, in response to the boos, has a run for Line of the Night (which I think I’m now going to make a regular thing here), when he tells the audience that he doesn’t recall buying a ticket to come listen to them boo. He then walks up to Orton, tells him, that he’s got the wrong idea, and that Drew has just come to say hello... and goodbye. He then kicks Orton in the stomach and sets him up for the Futureshock. Yes, Drew, do it! Leave Smackdown in a blaze of glory! Do the thing I want more than anything for you to do: DDT Randy Orton! Surely, I’m owed that much!

Yeah, no. Orton RKOs Drew. Harsh. Naturally, I was savagely annoyed by this at the time, but as we shall see, none of the guys leaving Smackdown are being given a nice sendoff by the booking staff. And, really, when you’ve been burned to the ground as Smackdown has been after the Draft, you need to build up your guys as much as you can.

There’s an odd recap of what just happened, about five seconds after it happened, which makes me wonder if the editing crew was just bored in the back (actually, it was probably to fill for time while Drew left the ring). Orton then finds his mic, and says, “As I was saying...”

Okay, hold on, this does not compute. Orton is doing a promo, and it’s almost witty and enjoyable. This does not happen on Earth. We’ve entered a twilight zone, where every aspect of reality as we know it has been turned upside down, because that is the only way that an entertaining Orton promo can happen! I mean... read the last twenty blog posts and find me where I say anything good about a Randy Orton promo. There are none! And yet, here he is, being kind of fun. I think the difference here is that he’s not being “the Viper,” in that he’s acting like a psycho who’d kill you as soon as look at you (remember the promo on paralyzing Punk? Fun times). Here, he’s acting like, well, a hero. That is to say, he’s laid back, having fun, smiling, being endearing, and while he still has that angry edge, it’s just that: an edge, and not the defining characteristic of his personality. He can still have that aspect where he has homicidal impulses, but he seems more human and less like an angry clod of mud.

Before Orton can say anything, he is again interrupted by Alex Riley. Poor Alex: what will he do now that he can’t be the Miz’s minion? He looks angry as he comes to the ring, and he picks up the mic... and is RKO’d. Not the best debut, but again, it’s making Orton funny. Oh heck. I just typed “making Orton funny.” Okay, I refuse to jump on a bandwagon, especially with a guy I have despised for so long as Randy Orton. But damn, this is just... tolerable. More so as he stands there waiting for Riley to leave, moves his mouth towards the mic carefully, then psyches out the motion as he glances at the Titantron to see if anyone else is going to try and interrupt him. The timing on this is well done, especially fora man I didn’t know had a sense of timing at all.

What is going on...

Of course, Orton gets interrupted once more, this time by Alberto Del Rio. Alberto is very sad for the fans that they can no longer witness him on Smackdown, but he’s even sadder for Randy Orton. Line of the Night: “You know how to make a good first impression. I know how to make a /lasting/ impression.” Alberto and Brodus Clay (another soon to be displaced minion. Maybe he and Alex Riley can become BFFs) assault Orton, when Christian comes to the rescue. I am struck with the thought that Christian may be in danger of being replaced by Orton as the top billing guy before he even got a chance to really revel in it. Teddy Long comes out, and says no matter what has happened this last Monday, this is still his show, playahs (Teddy’s handling the raping of his show very well). Our main event tonight is to be Clay and Del Rio vs. Christian and Orton.

And now, for our first match of the night, Kofi Kingston vs..... and before Kofi gets halfway down the ramp, Sheamus comes and kicks the hell out of him. Harsh. Teddy Long is handling this well, but the booking staff is definitely not. Well, Sheamus does a number on Kofi, and proclaims that Smackdown is his now. In spite of my initial annoyance that we’re not actually getting a match, I’m pleased that Sheamus is being pushed as a threat once again. If any man is happy to escape the Raw writers, it’s the Celtic Warrior.

Our next send off will be with Jack Swagger vs. Sin Cara. I really, really appreciate how Sin Cara works his matches: he doesn’t just dominate the other guys with his flipping about, but he doesn’t just sit there and take a beating only to make a miraculous comeback at the end. He paces the match very well, sometimes getting the upper hand, sometimes faltering. Swagger helps with this a lot too: every time he gets a big hit in, he’s sure to let Sin Cara return in kind. A pretty good match, though I have to wonder: what was up with the lighting? They had a strange blue/red overhead the whole time. I don’t really understand the point: we already know Sin Cara is a man of mystery, if the mask was any hint, and I don’t know that he needs the lights emphasizing this during his matches. Even Cody’s blacklight is for promos only. I don’t know if this is going to be a thing or if they were just trying it out, but it’s a bit odd. Sin Cara gets a win, and Cole yells at Swagger that he’d better not be failing in their match against Lawler at Extreme Rules.

Oh, remember how I said that this was a night for weird things to happen? Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel get their rematch against Big Show and Kane for the Tag Team Titles, and they don’t suck in their match. They work speedily, use a variety of moves to take Show down and keep him there, and actually make me wonder if they’d win. I still hate their guts, but this was a definite improvement from what we’ve seen for the last ten months. Kane and Big Show win, which has dividends: A) As the Tag Titles are good for both shows, we can see Big Show appear on both Raw and Smackdown, thus not stealing him entirely from the blue brand; B) If Show is still Tag Champion, then that opens up some room in the cluster that is Raw’s main event scene.

Rey Mysterio comes out, and breaks the news to the fans that all good things must come to an end, and that he’s heading to Raw. We’ll miss you as well, Rey. Mark Henry arrives, and says something about new beginnings (I can’t remember exactly what he said), but what should be noted is that he’s keeping that big smile of his. That’s interesting, because his former heel self was very much about the glowering. Yet somehow, I think the smile is more intimidating: when Henry smiles, he looks like he’s having a really good time, and if the World’s Strongest Man is having a good time at the prospect of beating you up... that’s frightening. Not to mention it gives him some character, rather than just being the monster-heel.

The match they have is also really good, for Mark Henry. I mean, he usually just lumbers around, but here, everything he does is deliberate and used to progress a storyline. He doesn’t look lost, or waiting for a finish: in fact, most of the match is focused around him as he finds new ways to beat Rey. In turn, Rey helps this match’s pacing, allowing Henry to get in some power, then speeding it up with Rey, in a nice tempo. They fight outside the ring, inside the ring, allowing Henry to elaborate on his move-set in a given situation. I have to say, I’m impressed, though a good chunk of this success is due to Rey knowing how to set the match up. I’ll have to wait and see if Mark Henry can keep this up, but if he can, then he might finally have something. At any rate, Cody Rhodes appears and beats up Rey, causing the match to result in disqualification. The two start brawling in the crowd, then back to ringside, where Cody throws Rey back into the ring to an eager Mark Henry, who hits the World’s Strongest Slam. Cody then does the most diabolical thing he can think of and puts a paper bag over Rey’s head. Well, that’s a bit silly, Cody, but whatever.

Our obligatory Diva’s match for the night is Layla vs. Michelle McCool, their friendship having finally shattered and reached a boiling point. I can only hope that once this is all over, we can finally see some of the other women out here every now and again. Seriously, I’ve not been counting, but I’m willing to bet we’ve not gone a Friday night for nearly a year and a half that hasn’t had LayCool involved in the women’s match. That ain’t cool. The match doesn’t really start, as the two start brawling outside of the ring, very violently I might add. I think they were testing to see if they could get a Layla support chant going, but there’s nothing, probably because the crowd is just as tired of Layla as we are of Michelle. The ref’s separate the two, and Layla demands that they settle this at Extreme Rules. Michelle accepts, but only if they add the stipulation that the loser leaves the WWE. Huh. Well, I can’t imagine the women who’s currently married in real life to the Undertaker is going to get the boot, so it’s good bye to Layla, then.

Our main event: Alberto Del Rio and Brodus Clay vs. Christian and Randy Orton. This is a pretty standard match, but there are some very severe problems: the story of the match is not Christian and Alberto Del Rio going at it, hyping the crowd for their title match at Extreme Rules. The story of the match is Christian getting a beating while trying to tag in Orton to come and save him. It’s like Christian’s role as the main protagonist of the show has been forgotten before it began. In fact, Del Rio seems more concerned about Orton than his opponent for the World Heavyweight Championship, which is a bit peculiar. This is a huge oversight, especially on the show before a PPV. Not only that, but Orton is the one who scores the win against Brodus Clay. I know that they want to put Orton at the top of the show right quick, but they should wait until it makes sense in the story, because here, it’s just premature, and very disappointing, especially for a fan of Christian such as I. However, something I should comment on: Brodus Clay is impressive in this match. He picked up a backbreaker and the scoop slam into his move-set. The thing with big men is that their matches are slower and more ponderous as a rule (you can’t move that fast when you’re 300+ pounds), but if you can develop a couple of various moves, then you can still have really good matches. Obvious example include Big Show and Umaga. So, lets see if Clay can shape up.

This episode had the misfortune of being a transition episode to introduce the new characters, and getting them over with the crowd, and as such, none of the matches really mattered or were that interesting. But, by next week, we should start seeing storyline development and other growth. The name of the game, it seemed, was first impressions, and we had a lot of that: Orton was smiley (shudder...), Mark Henry and Brodus Clay had good big-man matches, Sin Cara was fun, Sheamus is back on top of his game... yeah, nothing major, but a few eye openers. But seriously, was I not right in saying that Smackdown makes everything better?

So we go into Extreme Rules, which I will not be watching, mainly because I’m cheap and can’t afford to watch every PPV, as well as the fact that I hate the set-up of this where it’s essentially just Wrestlemania Mach 2. We’ve seen what should have been the conclusion of these rivalries already, and to drag them out is just, well, dragging it out. It’s like saying what happened at Wrestlemania didn’t really matter, because here is the /real/ ending. Not impressed with the storytelling here. But, alas, here are my predictions.

The Miz vs. John Cena vs. John Morrison for the WWE Championship in a Steel Cage Match: I predict Truth will interfere in some way, probably to extend his storyline with Morrison. I don’t know who will win, but damn, I hope we don’t just do a title-hop story with Miz winning then Cena winning then Miz winning then complete until bored.

Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Championship in a Ladder Match. The obvious sympathetic favourite here is Christian to win, so that we can have him and Edge in the same ring and have a really good cry. However, I’m almost willing to bet that some genius booker has decided that this is too obvious (giving the fans what they actually want? Far too obvious), and will shake things up by having Del Rio win. So, hoping for Christian, but won’t be surprised if Del Rio.

Randy Orton vs. CM Punk in a Last Man Standing Match: As the story thus far seems to be Punk losing his grip on the New Nexus, he’ll probably lose in a downwards spiral.

Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes in a Falls Count Anywhere Match: I think Cody will win, as they are gunning to put him over even stronger.

Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross vs. Michael Cole and Jack Swagger in a Country Whipping Match... wait, a what? I gather it’s something akin to a Strap Match. Something I completely forgot to mention in my review of Raw: why on Earth did the Morally Ambiguous Lappy GM make this stipulation, which clearly is against Cole’s favour, when Cole has been its right hand man all this time? Whatever, not going into that again... Hopefully, they don’t screw this up, and Swagger turns face, helps beat Cole, and they end this storyline for good. Give us the closure we wanted at Wrestlemania!

Layla vs Michelle McCool in a Loser Leaves WWE Match: Mrs. Undertaker isn’t going anywhere. Adios, Layla.

Watch me guess wrong on every single prediction...