Royal Rumble 2012

Welcome to the Royal Rumble 2012! The Rumble is my favorite PPV of the year: it has the most color, means the most in the plots going into Wrestlemania, has the most suspense, and has the most wrestlers. The color scheme this year is red, orange, and yellow, and the stage is nothing special. A bit disappointed that they didn’t spice up the entrance ramp a bit, but whatever.

The show opens with the World Heavyweight Championship match between Daniel Bryan, Big Show, and Mark Henry inside of a steel cage. Interesting to open with a major title match, but then, there weren’t many matches going into the Rumble, and as we shall see, it winds up being beneficial to start with this. Bryan comes out and does his usual over-excited entry, acting like he’s already won. Oddly, the announcers are still treating Bryan like he’s a good guy, in spite of his shady dealings the last few weeks. Bryan takes his pre-match celebration to the top of the cage, but humorously stops the moment Henry’s music starts, and puts on his panic face. It’s a good piece of comedic timing. Mark Henry looks almost subdued when entering. Even when his name is announced prior to the match actually starting, he doesn’t seem that into it. I don’t believe he was 100% coming into this match; as we shall see, his part in it is the lesser of the three. Show, on the other hand, comes down the ramp pumped up and raring to go. More fist pumps from the giant than I’ve seen in a while. Oddly, King comments that Show is in a foul mood, which does not hold with his body language here, making me wonder if King is watching or not.

The bell rings, and of course, Bryan tries to run out of the cage. Show knocks him down, and both he and Henry try to get the pin, leading to the two giants having their own fight. Almost surprisingly, the match starts out very speedily, with a few fast punches, ending with Show cross checking Henry into the wall of the cage. Environment use FTW. Bryan, of course, keeps trying to escape, but is stopped by Show. Interesting that the speed of the match is supplied by the Big Show, of all people. Show tries to Knock Out Bryan, but Bryan dodges and Show winds up punching the wall. Yet the match still doesn’t slow down: Show rallies right back, until Bryan takes him down with a running drop kick to the knee. I continue to be pleasantly surprised by Bryan and Show’s matches as of late: there’s always a good deal of give and take, and no one man monopolizes the momentum.

Bryan starts to attack Mark Henry by kicking him in the face, and I’ve noticed that Henry hasn’t moved a whole lot just yet. This changes as Bryan tries to escape via the door, and Mark drags him back in. The Mark Henry moment of the night comes when he’s got Bryan by the head, and yells at the ref to close the door. His primary concern right now is to crush Bryan, and I love when Mark has a mind to kill things. There’s a great move as Henry drops Bryan in between the ropes and the wall, pulls Bryan back, and slingshots him into the wall. It’s an innovative move, and again, I’m glad that the steel cage environment is being used consistently. It always bugs me when a match’s stipulation isn’t utilized to its full extent, but so far, the wrestlers are taking advantage of what they’ve been given and are using the context to provide heavy hits and cool spots.

Show gets back up, stops Henry, and then starts throwing Bryan into the walls of the cage. Bryan slaps Show in the face, and then Show crushes him with a bunch of heavy hits. Again, how speedy is Show here? Every time he gets the momentum in his corner, he doesn’t stop moving. The action is kept fast and furious, and still devastating. And once Show gets tired, Henry gets back up and starts to take his own shots on both Show and Bryan. Henry stands atop Bryan’s chest for a bit, before trying to check Bryan into the cage wall, misses, and whacks his head on the cage, and then gets speared by Show. Henry’s moments in this match thus far are kept short, but devastatingly good. He’s definitely not carrying the match to the same extent that Show is, but his moments in it are used effectively, accenting the action and making sure that when he moves, we take notice.

Show gets back up, prepares to Chokeslam Bryan, but Bryan gets out of it and, grabbing Show by the head from the top turnbuckle, jumps and hits a DDT. Show kicks out, but Bryan then puts him in the Lebell Lock. Mark Henry breaks the hold and proceeds to toss Bryan around, until Show punches him out. Bryan breaks the pin, and tries to run out of the cage, but Show is holding to Bryan by the neck as he dangles over the cage’s edge. Show goes up to the top of the cage, gripping Bryan by the arm to try and keep him in, but eventually Bryan escapes, drops to the floor, and wins the match. And, of course, goes on to yell “Yes!” in an exaggerated fashion roughly fifteen times.

This was pretty much the perfect opening match, as it aces everything you need to start the show and get the audience engaged. Great speed, great moves, great interest, great fun, great spots, great use of the environment and stipulation. Even though it went the route of having one man at a time fighting while the other rests, instead of my preferred Triple Threat staging where all three men are always involved, there were nearly no dead moments in the match. The action was constant, and I’m incredibly impressed with the Big Show’s performance in this, because he was just speeding along and carrying the match the whole way. Also props to Bryan for taking the kind of beating he did (he gets tossed around an awful lot) while not slouching the whole way. It might have been a bit on the short side, but again, it was an opening match designed to tantalize the audience and get enough adrenaline going so that they’re better prepared for the hour long Rumble match to come later.

We then get a montage of Cena, doing good deeds and being probably the most dedicated, nice, hard working celebrity out there. There are some images of Cena haters, but not a whole lot, making me wonder what the point here was. There wasn’t enough anti-Cena imagery in it to make the package look like it was giving a history on the controversy of Cena’s fans; actually, given the juxtaposition of the negative clips next to a barrage of all the good things Cena does for the people, it may have been ironic commentary on the haters themselves.

It seems that someone caught on that there wasn’t a whole lot to fill two hours until the Rumble, and thus we get a surprise Divas match. It’s a four on four tag match: on team Bad Girls are Beth Phoenix, the Bellas, and Natalya. They’re all wearing teal, which is cool. I enjoy when the teams are coordinated in their fashion: it somehow makes it feel less spontaneously slapped together and more natural. Also, good to see Beth back after a long absence. I laugh that Cole comments that Beth has been dominant as of late, but she hasn’t been around for a while. Team Good Girls are Eve, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, and Tamina. Sadly, they’re not as nearly united as Team Bad Girls: The first three are wearing orange, while Tamina is wearing black. I’m also annoyed that they always enter to Kelly’s music when she’s actually been on TV less than the other three, recently.

The match opens with Nattie and Tamina, continuing their rivalry from Smackdown. However, unlike on Smackdown, they almost get more than a minute to work here. The two try to intimidate one another, first with lifts and holds, then with forearms to the head. I like the no nonsense look on Tamina’s face, while Natalya has something of a knowing smile on hers. It helps me take things seriously when the people in the ring are taking things seriously, and that goes double for a womens’ match, when God knows /someone/ needs to take them seriously. Tamina downs Natalta and tags in Eve, who gets to hit her moonsault before Natalya lifts her into the corner and tags in Beth. I’m disappointed that there’s no pop for the return of Beth. Fail, St. Lous. Beth blocks a senton from Eve, tries to pin, tosses Eve into the corner, and then tags in Brie, who kicks Eve in the head. I’m sad that Eve always seems to be given the role of being the punching bag in peril, when he has more in ring skill than most. Eve finally tags in Alicia, who enters quite speedily with a few drop kicks, before resorting to a sort of feeble flailing stomp. Just like Shane McMahon can’t punch, Alicia can’t stomp. She looks like she’s in danger of tipping over each time. Brie puts Alicia into a reverse armbar, which Alicia reverses into an arm drag. It’s a nifty move, and I suddenly realize that this is probably one of the better Divas matches that they’ve had in a while. Of course, that’s all relative to what else we’ve had in recent memory (two second roll up pins, anyone?), but even still, everyone is getting time to work, the pacing of the match is decent, and everyone can get some decent moves in.

Sadly, Alicia is obligated to tag in Kelly, who gets in her twirling move, followed by turnbuckle flip, and as she goes for the pin, Nikki interferes, and a brawl erupts which falls out of the ring. As everybody mills around in front of the ring, Kelly actually gets on the top turnbuckle and jumps with a cross body onto the pile. I’m almost kind of impressed, if only because it’s the closest thing to hardcore Kelly Kelly has ever done. Thankfully for us all, though, Beth Phoenix is back and awesome, slapping Brie heavily on the shoulder to tag herself in, and yells “Get outta my ring!” There, /that’s/ the Glamazon champ we’ve all been missing. None of this talk of Barbie dolls that never goes anywhere, or trying to be pithy. Just go out there, kill things, and show why you’re the toughest thing going. And indeed, Beth Glam Slams Kelly to get the win.

Color me impressed. For an unannounced match, this was pretty good. Everyone got into the match and had time to work and show their stuff. Not to mention everyone looked pretty good, even Kelly, though that may have been due to the fact she was on last and her time was short. Still, that was a solid match, and it’s good to see Beth back.

Backstage, Ryder is in a brace and in a wheel chair. Naturally, Laurinaitis is there to be a jerk, saying how he’s got Zack taken care of, with his own room and food, and that if he needs anything, he’s right there. I forgot that Laurinaitis is due to be evaluated on the next Raw, and thus is sucking up here. I actually preferred the scene when I though Laurinaitis was just being a douchebag. Eve comes up to shut down Laurinaitis by calling him pompous, egotistical, and an ass. Eve’s scenes with Laurinaitis in the past few weeks have more than made up for her kind of just standing there while Kane kills her boyfriend over and over. She’s standing up for what she believes in against authority, and what’s more, is believable in it. She’s not just talking for the sake of talking, she’s making legitimate points and looks good doing it, clearly not intimidated by the GM or what he might do in response.

Speaking of Kane killing boyfriends, the next match is Kane vs. John Cena. Cena comes out to a chorus of boos, and he’s noticeably less happy than usual. But he still has some fun playing around with the crowd’s reaction, seeing if he can amp up the booing by doing poses in time with his music. Kane’s fire jets go off, and as he walks down the ramp, I notice the first problem I have with the match: Cena /let’s/ Kane walk down the ramp. After the death glare Cena had last Monday, I thought he was ready to give Kane a hell of a beating, but he seems content to wait until the match starts. At least when the bell rings, things kick off the right way. Cena comes out swinging, but Kane is ready and delivers a few punches himself. Cena finally dumps Kane out of the ring, but Kane drags him along. I’m glad that they set the tempo and style of the match right away. It’s going to be a brawl, it’s going to be a lot of punching, but it’s going to be fast paced and the action is going to be back and forth.

Cena tries to do the AA right away, but fails. I think it’s a character mistake to do that this early, as you’d think Cena would want to hurt Kane longer rather than prolong the match. Kane continues to pummel Cena, but noticeably doesn’t do one thing too long. He’ll set Cena up in the corner, then move him to the ring ropes with a choke, and then hit him with a running kick. He’s laying a beating, but he’s shaking things up. Cena muscles out of a headlock, and starts fighting back, only to be chopped down by Kane. Kane tries to go for a pin, and again, I think it’s too early, especially for Kane, who really wants to punish Cena. Kane suplexes Cena, puts him in a headlock. Cena keeps breaking out of the holds, but he can’t seem to get his engine going. I think the stunting of Cena’s momentum hurts the match, because you keep building up action in his corner, and then abruptly halts it, which is more jarring and results in something of a buzz kill.

I’m also annoyed that the announcers keep talking about Laurinaitis during this, instead of this story going on right now.

Kane tries to go for his choking glove move, and I like how they play with whether or not he can lock in, thus keeping up some level of suspense, which is good. But Cena reverses it into an STF, which Kane eventually powers into a sidewalk slam. There’s a back and forth, but the time in between Kane’s and Cena’s momentum shifts are a bit long, and so things seem a bit slower than they ought to. Kane sets up for the chokeslam, but gets shoulder tackled and suplexed for his troubles. Cena motions for the five knuckle shuffle, but before he can get it, Kane grabs him by the throat, gets back to his feet, and kicks Cena in the face. Kane sets up Cena for a superplex, which Cena battles out of, knocking Kane to the ground, and then, dropping off the top rope, hits a flying Five Knuckle Shuffle. Again, Cena tries for an AA, but Kane doges. Cena takes him down with a dropkick to the knee, but then Kane tosses him out of the ring. Now that the back and forth is more fluid in execution, the match feels quicker as a result.

But then, Kane drags Cena up the ramp, and there’s a count out. I’m not actually as annoyed by this as I thought I would be, because this really was never about a match anyway. And probably should have been no DQ to begin with. The two start to fight around the stage base before they wander backstage.I’m never too happy about when the fights go into the parking lots or backstage, because if I’ve paid to see this match live, then I’d like to see it, not watch it over the Titantron.

Cena tosses Kane into some trash cans, and Kane whacks Cena with a chair. I really do love how give and take this all is, and that there’s finally a sense of mutual hatred and a desire to destroy the other. Kane appears to have the upper hand, smacking Cena with the chair several times, until he notices Ryder’s dressing room is right around the corner. Kane, being Kane, does the rational thing and breaks down the door, and swiftly disables Ryder with a claw. Then, oddly, he takes Ryder by the wheel chair and wheels him right by Cena’s unconscious body and back to the stage. I was under the impression that Ryder’s presence in the story was to accent Kane’s attacks on Cena, but to take Ryder to the ring and neglect Cena altogether diminishes that. Even if he had beaten up Ryder in front of the unconscious Cena, it would have worked, but by taking him to the ring, Kane is ignoring the man his energies were supposed to be focused on.

Once back at ringside, Kane dumps Ryder onto the floor, then tosses him in the ring. Eve comes out to beg Kane to stop, but unfortunately winds up sort of just watching again. Though, really, I suppose Eve shouldn’t be criticized too much here, because what’s /anyone/ going to do to Kane? Kane Tombstones Ryder, much to Eve’s chagrin, and then as Cena runs to the rescue, he winds up getting Chokeslammed, which I really don’t get. The point of this segment, presumably, was to once again get under Cena’s skin, but he’s barely even there after the attack for it to have any effect. He rushes in, and is disposed of. If all Kane wanted to do was Chokeslam Cena, why did he divert his energies to Ryder at all? Seeing his work done, Kane cues his music and walks off. In the ring, the medics are making sure Ryder isn’t dead. He is again put on a stretcher, whilst Cena and Eve watch.

I found myself strangely disappointed in this match. The thing is: the match itself was pretty good. The back and forth was nice, and even though there were a few slow moments, the speed was generally kept up quite well. The problem is, is that it was almost too standard a match for the kind of rivalry these two have been brewing. In the lead up, you had the impression that Cena was close to snapping, but the match didn’t show anything like that until near the end, when they went backstage. The same goes for Kane, who almost waits too long to make things more extreme, given that he wants to crack Cena. Also, the switch of attention to Ryder here is almost pointless, because it doesn’t add anything to the match that we didn’t have before. Yes, the aim is to hurt Cena’s friends, thus hurting his soul, but nothing new comes out of it right here, because Cena just gets Chokeslammed after Kane Tombstones Ryder, and thus isn’t given a chance to develop the situation. Ultimately, the match was a longer repeat of what happened last Monday, and didn’t give us anything to chew on afterwards. It’s one of the rare times when a match can be too good for its own good.

After Cena just finished giving a very solid outing, we get a montage of the Rock, reminding us that he’s going to be at Wrestlemania. The Montage tells us that he’s very happy to be back home with the WWE. Rock, I don’t like hating on you, but still.

In another bid to stall for time, we get an unexpected pleasure: Drew McIntyre! It seems that, as he’s not in the Rumble proper, he asked Teddy for some kind of match, and Teddy obliged, pitting him against Brodus Clay. Brodus is wearing green tonight, I notice, and I wonder how many pairs of track suits he owns. Drew, at ringside, yells that Brodus is an absolute disgrace, and asks how anyone can take him seriously. It’s probably the best reaction any heel has had to him yet. The bell rings, Drew fakes a kiss to the girls, and then switches around and punches Brodus. I believe Drew is the first person who has actually gotten a punch in on Clay. Clay no sells the punches, sadly, and seems to have taken to Hulking Up whilst being punched. We proceed to his turnbuckle tackle, and then hits the cross body to get the win. Again, disappointed that his was short. Especially considering that this appeared design to fill for time, and, well, didn’t fill a whole lot of time.

Our next match is CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler for the WWE Championship, with special guest referee, John Laurinaitis. The first thing that goes wrong here is that the montage prior to the match is about Laurinaitis. Now, I like the character, I like what he’s done in this story. The problem is, is that for this match, he will be the focus, not the actual wrestlers, and the wrestling will be almost secondary. Which is a pity, because I think a straight up match between Ziggler and Punk would be great. While Ziggler’s snubbing has come to be expected, even Punk’s role seems to be downplayed. Though I should say, the inclusion of the stipulation that if Laurinaitis does a lousy job of reffing tonight, the board will frown on his position, and thus there are more questions about what he will do. Indeed, Laurinaitis comes out first, and promises the crowd that in order to make things more fair, he will be doing a joint refereeing project, with a real ref doing the in ring work, while the GM refs from the outside. While this is indeed interesting, and works for the storyline, this all diverts the importance of what’s happening in the ring and puts it to the outside.

Out comes Dolph, and I realize that this is the second Royal Rumble in a row where Ziggler has a Championship match. Ziggler looks excited, and is shouting a few incomprehensible noises, and the energy he provides here reminds you that he’s important, and that his role in this match will be a good one. Punk enters much the same way, where he just seems happy to be there. I always like it when the wrestlers look excited. If they care, then I care. Punk and Ziggler share glances, and I believe that’s actually the most development between the two we’ve had thus far. Before the match starts, Laurinaitis makes sure to start things on the right foot by ejecting Vickie Guerrero from ringside. I had forgotten that Punk had earned the right to have both Swagger and Vickie ejected from ringside.

Ziggler and Punk stare eachother down, grapple for a bit, and then Ziggler tries to boot Punk in the head, Punk counters with a faux GTS, and then the two stand in opposite corners, both aware that the other is talented. Now, see, if the story leading up to this match was about who was the better wrestler, that would have been a very poignant moment.The fight continues with more grapples, and keeping things very speedy, with many reversals and Irish whips. Ziggler blunts one whip and does a Flair-esque pose to earn some Woos. The two continue to try and out grapple one another: Punk tosses Ziggler back in the ring, and sets up for a elbow drop, but Ziggler knocks him off the turnbuckle. Ziggler gets a two count, and then takes advantage of the drop, hitting a neck breaker and then dropping a flurry of elbows. Ziggler then puts Punk ins a headlock, which Punk eventually gets out of by lifting Ziggler into a backdrop suplex. Again, this is a very good match with two very talented people. The problem is that no matter how good it is, the match that they’re performing doesn’t matter. What matters is what Laurinaitis is going to do, and thus renders the skills being displayed here pointless.

The two get back to their feet, a bit staggered, and start to punch and kick back and forth. Ziggler eventually gets in the sleeper hold, which Punk then tries to counter into an Anaconda Vice, which Ziggler worms out of. Thankfully, the submissions aren’t kept up too long, and Ziggler hits the dropkick on Punk. Ziggler is about to hit Punk with a scissor kick, but Punk catches it, lifts Ziggler in the air, and hits a powerbomb. It’s a pretty sick counter, and I’m happy that Punk got to fight someone his size so that he could actually powerbomb anyone. Punk starts to hit some of his own kicks, which builds into a combo including a neck breaker, kneeing Ziggler in the corner, and then hits the bull dog. It’s all very neatly executed. Punk fakes the GTS, but Ziggler manages to escape, only to be booted in the head with a sharp kick. I’m almost annoyed with how much teasing of his finisher Punk is doing: we all know good and well you’re not going to hit it at this moment in time. Punk body slams Ziggler, and makes sure that Laurinaitis isn’t up to anything before dropping an elbow on Ziggler, still only getting the two count.

Ziggler sneaks out of another GTS, and finally, we get what we’ve all truly been waiting for: Ziggler pushes Punk into the regular referee, knocking him out, thus making Laurinaitis the only true official present. Punk puts Ziggler in the Anaconda Vice, but meanwhile, outside, Laurinaitis is checking on the regular ref to make sure he’s okay. Now, on the one hand, I do like how Laurinaitis isn’t blatantly screwing over Punk here: it’s true to his style of trying to keep his cards close to his chest. Unfortunately, this also brings the momentum of the match to a screeching halt. Punk is in the background, first making Ziggler tap out, and then rolling him up for the pin, while the ref and Laurinaitis are occupied outside the ring. Had this turn of events been more spontaneous and sudden, and kept in time with the match’s pacing, it would have worked better. Instead, everything stops. Punk gets Laurinaitis’s attention to get him in the ring, and once again sets up Ziggler for the GTS, but accidentally hits the GM with Ziggler’s legs. As such, Laurinaitis doesn’t feel obligated to count when Punk goes for the pin. What bothers me the most about this segment is how Ziggler gave a stellar performance, and now he’s been more or less delegated the same amount of importance as a sandbag. Ziggler does finally show some life, and drops a leg on Punk’s neck while in mid air, but only gets a two count. I’m glad that we all remembered that Ziggler is still here, and is an active part of this match. Ziggler punches Punk a bit before Punk counter by catapulting Ziggler into the corner, taking the reeling Ziggler and hitting the GTS. While pinning Ziggler, Laurinaitis slips in the ring, and assists the ref with the count to make sure that it looks like he did the right thing. And thus Punk wins.

The match panned out much like I thought it would: all of the good wrestling that Punk and Ziggler had at the beginning was more or less inconsequential, because what really mattered in the story of the match was what the GM was going to do. The guy I really feel sorry for in all this is Ziggler, who, for his part, put on a good show, and was then delegated to being a lump for Punk to hit while the plot with Laurinaitis was going on. Also, I’m almost disappointed by the lack of tension present. I never felt that there was a moment where I thought Punk might actually be screwed over, which is odd, when you consider that was the selling point of this match. The speed and momentum that was built at the beginning actually only lended to something of a buzz kill and caffeine crash when things slowed down in the Punk finisher fest.

And now, the moment we’ve all truly been waiting for: the Royal Rumble Match. I looked forward to this more than most Rumbles, because I genuinely didn’t know who was going to win. Some years, like 2009 with Randy Orton, it’s painfully obvious, but given that the roster consists mostly of the next generation of wrestlers, and that any one of them could be looking to break through the glass ceiling, there were more than a few possibilities, and that makes watching the proceedings more interesting.

Miz enters at Number 1. He has his PPV jacket, and his inflatable AWESOME balloons back, and indeed looks like he’s here to play. I’m glad that Miz looks pumped up here rather than scared, because it helps build towards the feeling of intensity and survival instinct that this match provoke. Miz gets the mic, and says that while everyone thinks that he’s nervous about being number 1, he’s made a career about proving people wrong, and intends to do it again. At first I thought it was odd that they started the Rumble with a promo, but then I realized that at the time of the promo, we weren’t even at the two hour mark, and stalling was needed.

Number 2 is Alex Riley, who also looks excited. Glad to see you, A-Ry! Also, glad to start things off with an existing rivalry. It helps start things off interesting. Miz glances over at the Wrestlemania logo before opting to fight Riley. The two start things off as they should, with a lot of speed. First, punches are exchanged, then Irish Whips. Miz blocks an elimination, and then stomps on Riley, asking Riley if he remembers him in a good character moment. Riley attempts to toss out Miz, but Miz counters and ejects Riley. I don’t care for eliminations this early, because then you not only have just the one guy standing in the ring, which is kind of dull, but I feel there should be nothing but constant momentum building this early into an hour long match. At least Number 3 is R-Truth, and I love the looked of dread on Miz’s face. But again, like with Riley, they do start things off fast and furious, with more brawling and move exchanges, rather than just teasing eliminations. It’s also worth saying that I grow increasingly impressed with Truth’s ring work. Number 4 is Cody Rhodes, who also looks happy to be here. He takes advantage of the two rivals in the ring by kicking Miz in the back of the head, and then levels Truth. The two heels do eventually gang up on Truth, but the action still keeps upbeat and varies, and I’m happy with the speed and pacing thus far. In spite of the early elimination of Riley, the action has been kept up very well. There’s also another great character moment for Miz as he stands behind Cody, looking to set up the Skull Crushing Finale, but Cody looks back at him and glares, and Miz sort of shrugs and then backs off. There: at least there’s one partner who Miz didn’t backstab. Actually, throughout the Rumble, Cody and Miz work together frequently, and I think they’d make a pretty solid tag team, if not for the fact that I love each of them as singles competitors more.

Number 5 is Justin Gabriel, who starts hitting everyone in the ring, which is nice, but unfortunately, when everyone is down, there’s no one left to hit, and things slow down. Thankfully, Cody gets back up, and starts picking at Gabriel, while in the other corner, Miz and Truth continue their fighting. Number 6 is Primo, who, like Gabriel, runs into the ring and speedily starts hitting people and showing off moves. Miz does toss out Truth, who does not handle this well, and drags Miz out through the bottom rope (no elimination) and whacks Miz’s head on the floor. I love the set up of having Miz at ringside rather than in the match: even though, as we shall see, it doesn’t really go anywhere, the knowledgeable viewers reckons that waiting outside and waiting till the end is exactly the sort of thing Miz would do, and this at least keeps your mind working and guessing at the outcome.

Number 7 is Foley, Foley, Foley! You can tell as Mick hustles into the ring that his knees aren’t 100%, but who cares, it’s Godamn Mick Foley, and he can take as long as he wants. Besides, he does exactly what I want him to do and eliminates Primo. Atta boy, Mick. Then, other dreams are fulfilled as Mick and Cody Rhodes begin fighting, which I can only wish would build into something even more (why does Cody seem to always pick fights with Legends? Orton be damned, Cody is the new Legend Killer). Mick teams up with Justin Gabriel, and the two try to oust Rhodes. The announcement of Number 8 comes with Alberto Del Rio’s music, and naturally I was excited to see the Aristocrat back. But it turns out to be, of all people, Ricardo Rodriguez. Uh, well, good for you, Ricardo. Though not a fan generally of joke entries (I will never enjoy a Hornswoggle appearance in a Rumble), the jokes tonight all work surprisingly well, as we shall see. And at least Ricardo is having fun, dressing as Del Rio with the scarf and mimicking his poses, and trying to look like he’s the real deal. The match stops here as Mick and Gabriel just sort of watch, and then let Ricardo attack Cody. And then, in what I assume would be a great comedy duo, Mick and Ricardo form an alliance to toss Gabriel out. That’s two eliminations for Mick. Number 9 is Santino, and is it sad that I was far more excited to see Ricardo here than Santino? Again, the action has completely stopped at this point, as Santino and Ricardo are obligated to start fighting. I guess this lets Cody and Miz get a breather, but still. Santino tosses out out Ricardo, and then has a face with Mick. The two each put their socks on their hands, Mick with Mr. Socko, Santino with the Cobra and the two have a claw battle, locking their hands in combat, which earned a smile from me. I do love that when Mick decides to be goofy, you know he’s earned the right to be. When you take a few thumbtacks into the eye, you can do what you want. I also love the expressions on both men’s face, like the battle of the socks is the most epic, brutal contest possible.

Number 10 is Epico, who enters and is quickly eliminated by Mick for his troubles (3 for Mick!). Thankfully, Miz gets back into things to get the action back up, and in the background, Cody eliminates Santino. Then, while Mick has Miz in the Mandible Claw, Cody comes from behind and tosses Mick out. Ah, well. Good to have you, Foley! At least one of my current favorites got to eliminate my all time favorite, and that works for me. Besides, as we shall see, Cody is not done with his new age Legend Killing Self tonight. Number 11 is Kofi, and the speed kicks right up, almost like it hadn’t left. In fact, the placing of the more or less comedy segment where it was turns out to work quite well: it’s bookended between action segments, doesn’t last too long, and after it’s done with the gag, the match goes right back into high gear. Kofie takes it to Miz and Cody with gusto, hitting a double leg drop on the pair. Kofi tries to toss out Miz, but is foiled by Cody. I notice that Kofi’s tights are Riddler inspired, which is cool. And then, just as it looks like Kofi is in trouble from a Cody and Miz double team, Number 12 turns out to be King, who takes off the shirt he was wearing at the announce booth and dashes into the ring. King lays out Miz and Cody, and for a sixty year old, he really is in pretty solid shape. Sadly, he’s not long for this world, as Cody tosses him out, given that Cody hates announcers, and then points back to the desk with a wry grin. What a jerk.

Sadly, this portion of the match begins to slow down as we hit the entrants I don’t care about. Number 13 is Ezekiel Jackson, who instantly grabs Cody by the neck, but doesn’t play favorites, and hits everyone. Unfortunately, once again, once you crush everyone, that no one is moving, and a lot of dead bodies is not interesting. I also notice that Zeke has put on a few pounds. Nothing happens for the next 90 seconds except for Zeke stomping on people. Things don’t look better with Number 14, who is Jinder Mahal. While I am pleased that Cole asks that people not be judgemental about Mahal’s turban, not much is added here. Thankfully, Miz and Cody find a second wind , and try get the action going again. Seriously, Cody and Miz have been carrying this match: everytime things seem to die down, they do their best to get it moving again. But alas, Number 15 is the Great Khali. And you get what you always with the Great Khali: everyone tries to gang up him, and he no sells. Khali tosses out both Jinder and Zeke, which I suppose is no real loss, and then proceeds to lumber about and do nothing constructive.

Number 16 is Hunico, who does try to speed things up, but then has to awkwardly walk into Khali’s chop, and then once again the momentum is killed. Seriously, the Great Khali adds nothing to any match that he’s in. Thankfully Miz starts kicking him in the gut, which makes me happy.

Number 17 turns out to be Booker, and I love that both Booker and King were wearing their ring gear underneath their clothes, as he hops over the announce table and into the ring. Booker first goes up against Cody (of course), and then turns his attention to Khali. And once again, the most exciting thing going slows down. Thankfully, Kofi, Miz, and Hunico have started a brawl in the corner, which leads to the best spot of the night. Kofi is first pushed over the top rope, but skins the cat. Miz kicks his hands, but Kofi then hooks his feet on the apron, still blocking his fall with his hands. Then, after Miz pushes him, Kofi then does a handstand back to the ring steps, thus having his feet never touch the ground. It is probably the most awesome thing ever. Number 18 is Dolph Ziggler, who is obviously none too happy about his loss earlier, and goes after Kofi. While in general I don’t like when guys who had screen time earlier in the show arrive in the Rumble for a double helping,  I’m not going to complain about Ziggler’s appearance here, because he got more or less screwed over in his actual match tonight, and deserves better. Also, the motion and brawling action in the ring has picked up, which I’m very happy for.

Number 19 is Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and much like King and Booker, I can’t bring myself to say no. Some guys just make you smile, no matter what. Duggan lays waste to Cody and Miz, and just looks like he’s having fun. But, he doesn’t last too long, and Cody eliminates Hacksaw quickly, and then mocks the “Hey-oh!” call. Not content with just htat, Cody also eliminates Khali and Booker. Number 20 is Michael Cole, and although I would usually hate this, I love the running joke that all the announcers are in on this, and that each of them were wearing their ring clothes under their suits. It’s like when Mick entered as all three personas. A good joke is a good joke. Cole has a pose down while everyone else is on the other side of the ring. And while you might think that there have been too many jokes in this match, the payoff is worth it. Number 21 is Karma, and oh my, yes, you’d best believe I marked out for this. She goes right for Cole, who tries to escape over the top rope, and is dragged over by King and Booker. Karma then gets to slam Ziggler, and then tosses out Hunico before Ziggler finally tosses her out. It’s a short outing, but a great one.

The jokes die off now as we get down to the nitty gritty of things. Number 22 is Sheamus, who brings a ton of energy into the match. I also realize that Sheamus, Miz, Cody, Kofi, and Ziggler are in the ring, and I am brought nothing but joy from this. This is what I meant earlier about having a bunch of up and comers, any of whom I believe could win the Rumble. Sheamus tosses Kofi out of the ring, and then starts attacking Cody and Miz. I’m a bit surprised that the continued presence of Miz and Cody is underplayed in the whole match, when they’ve been doing more than anyone, especially with Miz having entered at 1. Number 23 is Road Dogg, and out of all the surprise entrants, this is probably the one I least cared about. I have always hated Road Dogg. I hate his punches, I hate his shimmying, I just have never cared for him at all. He gets to attack Miz and Cody, and I notice nearly everyone almost instantly decides to attack Cody and Miz. Number 24 is Jey Uso, and I notice that Jimmy is in street clothes, and thus presumably will not be competing. He attacks Road Dogg (thank you, Jey), and then proceeds to stomp Miz. I’ve also noticed that aside from Riley’s early exit, there’s not been a moment where there’s only one man in the ring, and that’s a good thing. Except for a few moments of complete inactivity, there seems to be a generally good action kept up.

Final five entrances, and I find myself still interested in the match, though part of this may contribute to the fact that we’re only at about the fourty minute mark. Number 25 is Jack Swagger, who goes after Sheamus, though he oddly doesn’t attack Road Dogg just because he raised his hands and asked him not to. Number 26 is Wade Barrett, who is in no rush to get to the ring. He tosses out Road Dogg, which only makes me like Wade more, and I realize that aside from possibly Jey, everyone in the ring right now could potentially win it. When you get a bunch of jobbers in there, you know they’re only there for someone to clear house and look dominating. This is more interesting. Number 27 is David Otunga. Sadly, he doesn’t really add too much to things at this point, as we’re at the point where you want to see who wins, and since Otunga is still a lackey, the tension isn’t upped any. Number 28 is Randy Orton, and almost immediately, my stomach twisted and my concern grew. Entering this late, if he was perhaps still slightly injured, he wouldn’t have to work as long and still stick around to the end. It’s the bad kind of tension. He runs in the ring and starts laying waste to literally everyone, and thankfully, at this point, there’s enough people in the ring that it takes a while for him to stop the action, and even that’s short lived. He tosses out Jey, RKOs Barrett, and then launches him out as well. Dissapointed that Barrett was more or less a fall man here, but given that the Rumble is in St. Louis, I suppose you have to give the hometown boy his moment. Number 29 is Chris Jericho, and, of course, turns off the lights and gets his entrance pose in before entering. Jericho goes in gung ho, which is surprising, since I thought for sure he would try to waste time outside the ring. He tosses out Otunga quickly, and then goes after Ziggler. Incidentally, how great would a Jericho vs. Ziggler match be? And finally, Number 30, the Big Show! I think Big Show has the record for entering at number 30. He assists Sheamus in eliminating Swagger, and then punches him out for kicks. Of course, Big Show is the target now, but manages to eliminate both Miz, Cody, and Dolph. I’m very disappointed in how unceremoniously Cody and Miz are dumped. Their story has been the best in this match, especially with the Miz, who I thought would get a send off with more ceremony behind it.

 Thus, the final four are Jericho, Sheamus, Show, and Orton. Only one thing is wrong with this picture, and I’ll let you guess who. Everyone goes after Show, who’s going to have none of it, and knocks everyone down before Chokeslamming Jericho. Again, still impressed with how quick Big Show is here. Even if he did enter 30, he did have a solid outing earlier in the show, and you’d think he’d be a bit tired. He’s not long for this match, though; Orton RKOs Show, and then manages to toss him out (bull shit!) before Y2J tosses him out as well.

The final two is Jericho and Sheamus. I am more than happy about that arrangement. I hate when the Rumble’s final two involves someone I dislike, because then the end of the match is nothing but tense dread. Here, I don’t care who wins, because I’m happy either way. Jericho tries to hit a running bulldog, but Sheamus carries him and threatens to tip him over the top rope. It’s a great elimination tease, probably the best thus far. The two start to exchange hits, until Sheamus almost powerbombs Jericho out of the ring. Jericho blocks the throw, nearly tosses Sheamus over, but Sheamus just hangs on. He then hits Sheamus with a dropkick, but Sheamus still hangs on. It’s a good kind of tension. Sheamus gets back in the ring, and the two continue to fight, until Jericho gets Sheamus in the Walls of Jericho, which is a bit silly, because you definitely can’t win that way. Jericho once again tries to use a clothesline to take out Sheamus, who dodges, and Jericho teeters on the brink, but once again manages to get in. The two bring their fight to the top turn buckle, and the both slip, but both manage to hang on to the bottom rope. Jericho hits the Codebreaker, and then tries to go for a pin, which I found hilarious. Seriously, this is how you end a main event. This one on one here is good enough to be it’s own match. Jericho resorts to slapping Sheamus in the face, which of course only makes him mad. He counters another Codebreaker and tries to toss out Jericho, who once again just holds on. But this time, Sheamus manages to get a Brogue Kick, and knocks Jericho to the ground. Thus, Sheamus is the Royal Rumble winner and is going to Wrestlemania.

That was a surprisingly good Rumble match. It had its share of slow portions which dragged on, but by and large, it had far more hits than misses. The Foley vs. Santino battles was great, Kofi’s handstand was epic, the joke of the three announcers all being included was funny, Karma was awesome, the suspense and tension as to who would win was kept up, and the final battle between Jericho and Sheamus was epic. I’m extra happy for Sheamus, because after lingering in limbo for the better part of six months, he definitely deserves a break. Good bye, Jinder Mahal, hello, Wrestlemania!

And thus the Royal Rumble, 2012. In a bit of a twist, the match that I didn’t have high expectations for (the Smackdown cage match) wound up being the best regular match of the night, while the ones with the most momentum and interesting stories wound up being something of a disappointment. The Rumble match was pleasant, the Diva’s match was surprisingly good, and I think we’re heading down the Road with just the right speed.