Requiem For a Kane

With Monday Night Raw having rendered me disappointed, we now turn our attention to Smackdown. The Blue Brand, of course, is my personal preference as far as the shows go, so I walk in with high hopes.

Things are going to start off with an opening match between Rey Mysterio, and Kane. Before the match begins, Kane rediscovers the powers he stole from the Undertaker back in the summer, and incinerates Rey. He then addresses the Undertaker and how cowardly it was for him to try and escape to Raw; it doesn’t matter how many times you come back, big brother, he’ll just keep killing....

Yeah, that didn’t happen. In fact, Kane doesn’t address the Undertaker’s return at all. For a man who killed the aforementioned Phenom, has a history of mental problems, and spent most of last year trying to prove how much better he was than Taker, Kane is handling this whole thing surprisingly well. I don’t get why the writers won’t address this: it’s a very important sort of thing to just leave hanging without explanation.

Anyways, continuity errors aside, the opener is very good, and the two are given a lot of time to work. I always enjoy watching Kane and Rey fight, as they mix their different styles so well (Rey flips about, Kane breaks things). The quality of the match makes me forget how irate I am about Kane’s storyline being swept under the carpet. If I were in a petty(er) mood, I would compare this to the opener of Raw with Punk and Morrison, but as I’ve said before, those two did the work in the Elimination Chamber the night before, and thus will get off easy for now. The ending of the match involves Mysterio executing a roll-up pin, stealing the win. Rey does the smart thing and dashes out of the ring before Kane realizes what happens. Kane does indeed recognize that he just lost, looks furious.... and then leaves. I was at least hoping he’d set something on fire. But no, he just goes backstage to find the writers and force them to write him back into the plot.

We’re left with Rey doing a pose down in the ring, when suddenly, and unexpected music starts playing. “A-MEEEEEEE-I’CAAAAAAAAAN..... DREEEEEEEEEEEEAAAM!” Is it said that the first thing that popped into my head was Stephen Colbert when this music hit? I’m such a bad fan... Anyways, it is not Mr. Colbert, but Dusty Rhodes! I’m not certain off-hand how old Dusty is now, but he actually looks better than some of his past appearances: I believe he’s lost weight, and the scar tissue on his forehead isn’t so obvious. He comes down to the ring and gives Rey a hug. Taking the mic, the most amazing lisp/drawl in the world tells us that Rey is an old family friend, and that his son Cody has no right to accuse Rey of malicious intent. Furthermore, he asks that Cody come out to the ring so that he can apologize to Mysterio.

The Dashing One comes out, wearing a plastic face mask which, we assume, is an after affect of having his “face” shattered. I have face in quotations, because it’s never actually specified what part of the face was broken, I believe. Which I think adds to the situation: for all we know, the worst he might have had is a scratch, and then, being obsessed with his face, completely over-reacted, thus showing that this narcissist gimmick may be bordering on insanity. I think Cody might be aware of this too, given how he carries himself in this segment. He gets to the ring, and has the body language of one who is both incredibly angry, and incredibly embarrassed. For example, Cody starts chewing out his dad for bringing him out here, and caps it off with, “Everybody is /looking/ at me,” through clenched teeth. I don’t know, it might just be me, but I thought that was a pretty powerful moment. For a guy who gets off on people looking at him, to have it turned against him in such a way must really drive him nuts. I think Cody needs to work on his facial expressions to truly ace it, but the point gets across, and is well delivered. He also blames Rey for making him miss the Royal Rumble, Elimination Chamber... but he can’t bring himself to say Wrestlemania. Dusty, in turn, does a good father-to-son speech. He doesn’t yell, but he gives Cody a stern talking to, telling him that Cody has lost focus with this whole “Dashing” thing, and that if he’s ever going to get back on track, he needs to get his head back in the game. Cody does a slow nod, looking like he understands. He thanks Dusty, and then apologizes to Rey, extending his hand. Rey, having not been born yesterday, is reluctant to take Cody’s hand, but eventually goes for it. Lo and behold, nothing shady has happened, as Cody leaves the ring, and Rey shakes hands with Dusty. Well, that’s a first for wrestling! Solving your problems by talking them out and reaching a mutual understanding. It won’t sell many tickets, but at least it tells kids in the audience the best way to deal with your problems is diplomacy, and...

Rey tries to walk away, but Dusty pulls him back. Oooooh, dear.

Sure enough, Cody dashes (I regret nothing!) back into the ring, attacking the bamboozled Mysterio. And a right drubbing he gives him, too. Dusty nods in approval, and, still smiling, goes backstage. Cody’s style of beatdowns have come a long way from when he was in Legacy. He used to just kick and stomp, which isn’t the most entertaining. This time, he drags Rey out  to entrance ramp, and proceeds to grate his face on the metal, throw him into the lights in the back-drop, and culminates with him stealing Rey’s mask. Considering Cody was the member of Legacy who was supposed to get the boot, I think he’s come a long way. His actions in these segments have more of a point, and are carefully thought out as to what the motivation is, and what the overall message is to be. Also, props to Dusty for his performance: pulling off that cuddly ol’ teddy bear schtick, only to so deftly betray Rey, is an act that is hard to do these days, as most people are nuanced to pick up on a stunning betrayal before it happens. This one actually caught me by surprise, as I was certain that Cody was going to attack his dad instead. All in all, a money performance by Cody Rhodes.

And now, the continued adventures of Team LayCool. Michelle and Layla seem to be having a falling out in their BFF club over recent weeks. All things considered, though, this team has been going strong for over a year, and for modern wrestling, having a team that lasts five months is considered impressive. But, all good things must come to an end. What we have today is a match of Layla and Rosa Mendes, while Michelle sits on the sidelines doing commentary. The fight spills out of the ring, Rosa and Michelle start jawing at one another, and then Layla chucks Rosa into Michelle. Michelle, in turn, kicks Rosa, which gets Layla disqualified. The two then angrily berate each other. As much as I didn’t care for the High-School bully characters that the team worked, I thought Michelle and Layla did work well together, with Michelle being the legitimate threat and Layla being the lackey. But what this does mean is that Michelle can go back to being a loner villain, which she is decent at (she looks like she will knife you).

Next up, Jack Swagger and Kofi Kingston. I will never tire of these two in the ring. They wrestled each other for about a month straight a while back, and each match was brilliant. I’ve already remarked about the energy and pure entertainment that Kofi brings, but Swagger is a technical wrestler, who have kind of been forgotten about in recent years, and they play off one another very well. They’ve both improved their timing in the ring a great deal, and know now which moves to use and when to use them, so their matches are constantly improving. Unfortunately, for this match, they’re not going to be given a whole lot of time (as to why this is, see the rant after this paragraph), as well as playing up the idea that Kofi’s arm is still broken by Del Rio. Swagger puts Kingston in the Ankle Lock, and Kofi taps out. Well, that was disappointing. But, bright side, this could mean an Intercontinental Championship match at Wrestlemania between the two, which I am totally behind.

We then take the next ten minutes to re-show Cena’s reaction to the Rock that we saw on Monday. Not abridged, but the whole thing.

...So, if I have this straight, we took ten minutes which could have been used in the Kofi/Swagger match to re-air a promo that not only have I already seen, but took place on a different show? Dare one ask /why?/ I mean, I know Cena is the money-maker, but damn it, we probably all watched this on Monday! We don’t need to see it again! We’re probably going to get a recap of it on the next Raw anyways. Furthermore, /this is Smackdown!/ We’re one hour into the show, and according to my analysis, they’re already doing droves better than what Raw had going for them. Recapping a promo twice in one week, on two different shows, is a waste of my time, when I could be getting presented with fresh material which could further the storylines on Smackdown.

...You’re just angry because I lambasted your least episode, and now you’re getting revenge on me, aren’t you? Yeah, Vince reads my blog.

Next match: Big Show vs Wade Barrett, with outside interference of the Corre disallowed.

...Oh wow, they really /did/ read my blog... Thank you, Smackdown!

This match is pretty solid. They’re given time to work, and they do make it interesting. I’m a fan of the Big Show, but the problem is that in order to have a good match with him, the other guy has to be able to take on his size and strength and work with it in a compelling story. Wade doesn’t do half bad in this regards: he manages to keep you guessing, and gets in a couple of good moves. The thing that confuses me, though, is the ending. Show throws Barrett out of the ring, beats him up, and then rolls back into the ring so that Barrett is counted out. I’m not altogether certain what this adds: usually, a count out is used because the winner can’t win any other way, or if some other shenanigans are about. But Show is quite clearly capable of beating Wade, so it doesn’t make a lot of sense why he wouldn’t just knock him out. I’m not complaining, I’m just not certain why it happened the way it did. After Barrett is counted out, the Corre dashes to the ring. Show, however, is learning, and grabs a steel chair. Knowing that the most powerful weapon known to man is in the giant’s hands, the Corre back off. Ah, yes, another victory for the steel chair!

And now we get a recap of the Undertaker/Triple H stare down. Damnit, Raw... Know who would have been useful to hear from on this subject? No, no, I‘ve already said enough...

The main event tonight is...

KANE! KANE! I WANT TO HEAR FROM KANE, DAMNIT!

The main event tonight is Edge and Kelly Kelly versus Drew McIntyre and Vickie. It seems that Mr. Teddy Long has a strange sense of humour, and angry though he might be that Vickie conspired to put him in a coma, he’s giving her a chance for to fight for her job. If her team wins the match, she gets to stay on as Official Consultant. If she loses, she’s fired. This has got to be the least efficient way of employee management, but it’s wrestling. I’d expect nothing less. Vickie spends most of the episode trying to get people to help her, but her years of wicked deeds have caught up wither her. Not even nephew Chavo will help. Oh, the dark, poetic irony...  Seriously, though, I actually found myself liking this. Vickie is one of the last truly evil characters, who’s abused her power in every way she could. Now she’s being held accountable, and can find no support, having destroyed her credibility, and looks absolutely shell-shocked as she scrambles. It’s really quite poetic, especially because Vickie looks frightened, nervous, and panicky as she sees her power rapidly ebbing.

Before we get into the match, there’s something I must comment on. When the team of Edge and Kelly come out, Kelly stands directly in front of Edge the entire time, blocking him from the camera. Even when he does the devil-horns pose. Kelly, we’re here to see Edge. He’s the Champ. You are not. Stop standing in front of Edge!

The match is nothing too special. Aside from Kelly attacking Vickie with her patented “Jump on top of the opponent, and scream like a loon,” move, most of the work is going to be done by Drew and Edge. Drew keeps one eye on Kelly the whole time, looking like he’s trying to figure her out. The match culminates with Vickie trying to ask Edge to not Spear Drew, only to be speared by Kelly (way to earn that paycheck, Kelly), and then Edge Spears Drew anyway, getting the pin. A gleeful Teddy comes out and informs Vickie she’s been fired. Vickie than pleads with everyone, from Booker T and Michael Cole at the announce table, to a random camera man. Finally, she pleads with Edge to find it in his heart to aid her. Edge leads the crowd in a rousing chorus of Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye, while Vickie exits.

At first, I wasn’t certain about how I felt about Vickie being written off the show. She’s a good character, and her malicious kind of evil was fun to watch. But, upon thinking about it, the character might have run its course: the storyline with her and Dolph being the power couple was recycled from what she did with Edge in 2008. There wasn’t really a whole lot more they could have done with her. Well, so long Vickie. Consider yourself excused.

And just as we get comfortable, Del Rio attacks Edge with the Arm Bar, reminding us that while Edge has wrapped up that storyline, he’s about to begin a new one. What’s that? They actually wrapped up a storyline before embarking on a new one? What a concept! Who does /that?/

Certainly not Kane, that’s for certain.