The first Raw on the final lap to Wrestlemania! What we can expect from here on in is a lot less actual wrestling and a lot more story building. Usually, this isn’t a bad thing, especially as the stories going into Wrestlemania are half of what makes the event so darn good. I look forward to the stories: the writers usually try pretty hard to pull off something compelling. I cross my fingers, and await the best.
Then I remember this is Raw, and the writers have a knack for disappointing me.
The show opens with John Cena, who, we remember, is now the #1 contender for the WWE Championship and will face the Miz at Wrestlemania. Cena does a pep talk about how he is excited for this, how everything is looking up... except for one problem. There’s this business of the Rock, who, last week, gave a vintage (awesome) promo tearing into Cena, thus raising my hopes that the two of them would actually face off. Alas. Cena talks about how he would be happier about this whole thing if not for the Rock calling him out. If the Rock is going to go and be old-school, than Cena will just do the same. Dusting of his doctorate in Thuganomics (I can only hope that this word one day makes it into the dictionary), and raps off against the Brahma Bull. And by rap, I mean he kind of just... rhymes. Slowly. I mean, it’s Cena, it does the double duty of both making me laugh and kicking ass at the same time (and that’s why Cena is great), and it is a good match to the Rock. But it’s less like Snoop Dogg and more like Dr. Seuss is all.
As much as I love this back-and-forth between Cena and the Rock, there’s something wrong here. See, as it turns out, Cena isn’t fighting the Rock. He’s fighting the Miz. Cena should be concentrating his verbal barrages against his goal and soon to be enemy in battle. Miz gets his own back later in the evening, coming out to discuss just that fact: that he’s being left out. I still enjoy that he has that chip on the shoulder attitude. He condescends against the Rock, saying he hasn’t aged well, and is amusing in his own right. I mean, the Miz really is good on the mic, perhaps not yet on the level of Cena and the Rock, but he’s right up there. But the problem is that right now, he’s talking to the air, given that Cena and Rock are looking at one another while Miz stands on the corner and yells to try and get them to pay attention. This whole thing has potential, and as we shall see, things have the ability to sway back to the main story in which it belongs. But we really need the focus to come back to Cena vs Miz and their own personal rivalries.
Our first match of the night is John Morrison vs CM Punk. You can tell that these two did most of the work in last night’s Elimination Chamber. The usually spry duo are stiff and clunky, and rightfully so, so I won’t begrudge them a bad match. It’s slow, but it’s over quickly. Punk beats Morrison with the GTS. Punk will now expand upon his story while Morrison goes back to obscurity. This really bugs me: The Shaman of Sexy carried the entire Raw roster in the Elimination Chamber, and now he’s got nothing going into Wrestlemania. Sigh.
Anyways, Punk sits down and asks for Randall to come out. It takes a few seconds to realize that Randall means Randy Orton, and I’m reminded why we love him. He says that he’s given the Nexus the night off, and that he’s asking Orton to come out and face him like a man. It seems that Punk wants to see Orton at Wrestlemania. Or, he says he’s laying down the challenge, and then begs that Orton just walk away from it. Because if he does accept, than Punk is just going to have to beat him to a pulp. So he wants Randy to be the bigger man, for the sake of the Viper’s own health. Orton responds by appearing out of the crowd and trying to assault Punk, who dashes away behind the Nexus (he was lying, the fiend!), and he and Orton exchange glares.
I feel the need to say that this /could/ work. Punk really is a good villain, but the problem in here is the Nexus. I don’t think they add anything here, other than just doing what they did with Barrett for months and just ride his coat-tails. Punk has proven that he needs no lackies to do his bidding: he is the most evil entity on this show. What do they bring to the table? At least with the original Nexus there was the whole “power in numbers” thing. Now there’s three of them, and their threat potential is completely nixed. I mean, they’re in there with CM Manson and the Angriest Man in America. What can they do?
I would also like to qualify something here: if Orton was still evil, and not playing this absurd in-between angle, I think this would be even better. See, once upon a time, I could stand Orton, or at least, not resent him immensely. When he was still the Legend Killer, or even just when he was going into the Viper, he was doing things on his own, and was actually a believable, interesting villain, and not just a glowering hunk of wood. He was never much of a talker, but at least he could fake charisma, could pull off the loner villain angle, and actually had some good stories. I wish he would rediscover that inner compelling for this storyline and try to match evil with Punk. It could really be something. Sadly, Randy has long since stopped trying, it seems, and is now content to be handed title shots and be mediocre. Well, fingers crossed.
And now, we go to our next match... uh, Kofi Kingston vs Alberto Del Rio. Who are on Smackdown. Thus, I have little to no clue about why they’re on Raw. Well, it doesn’t matter much, as Kofi doesn’t even get to the ring before Del Rio beats the tar of him, making a show of further injuring the arm. I hope this isn’t an attempt to write Kofi out of any main plots for Wrestlemania. The guy has worked his dreadlocks off for the last year, and should get a part in the Show of Shows. Also, Del Rio’s attack isn’t explained, or why he was even here. So, yeah, good storytelling.
We know come to Divas tag action, in which the Bella twins are facing Gail Kim and Eve. Gail and the Bellas are, of course, feuding over Daniel Bryan (who, oddly enough, has no story of his own), and Eve is here because she’s the Divas Champion, and thus ought to have at least one match a week. Actually, the Divas Championship, if you think about it, is one of the most important titles to those who hold it. Given that the women only get one match per show, and you can only get so many women in, then if you have the belt, it at least ensures that you get screen time. Anyways, the match itself is a tad predictable, as are most Bella tag matches, in which they pull some shady shenanigans with the ref, switch with one another when no one is looking, and steal the win. I’m not complaining, though. For although I do not really care about the Twins, this storyline they have going ensures that Gail gets to be on the show again. You have to take your lumps with your pudding.
And now we come to the moment we’ve all been waiting for: for a few weeks now, there have been vague vignettes of a ramshackle house, the rain, and a shady figure moving about within in a black duster. In spite of rumours of a Sting appearance, all money is on that it’s the Undertaker, returned from the dead. Which is great, because it’s nigh on Wrestlemania, and the Winning Streak must be defended!
So the door opens in the house, and it is confirmed that it is indeed the Undertaker! The lights go out, the bell tolls, the fog rolls, the lightning strikes, and we have...
Hold on a second. He just... un-died? The last time we saw Taker, he was six feet under by the hands of Kane. I mean, he’s died a hundred times over, so this coming back to life thing is nothing new, but there’s always some kind of build-up to it, or a wrap up of a storyline. He actually lost his powers as Kane stole them; shouldn’t that have affected him somewhat? But that’s not here: he just appears. No coffins, no druids, no mind games. Just a few videos and that’s that? And why is it on Raw? Undertaker is a Smackdown star! He’s in the credits! And, more importantly, where is Kane? Shouldn’t he be the first one to know about all this? What’s going on?
Anyways, Undertaker takes his long saunter to the ring. I’m counting on him doing some serious explaining, because I’m quite confused. Taker takes of his hat, I’m waiting for some exposition...
“It’s Time to Play the Game!”
Wait, what?
Sure enough, before Undertaker murmurs a peep, we get the return of the other long-injured superstar, Triple H. Who... is not going after Sheamus, the man who injured him. And is announcing himself blatantly and without build-up and mind games. If that sounds like the same problem I had with the Undertaker, that’s because it’s the same damn problem! It’s not just a story telling thing: these two are both renowned for their mind games! Triple H is the Cerebral Assassin! He screws with your head! More importantly, I was so unprepared for his appearance that I found myself completely devoid of emotion. There was no hype, no mood setting, just a return. What really steams me is that I’ve been waiting a year for Triple H to come back, and now that he is, I have absolutely no buzz off of it. I should be jumping up and down in my chair, but not a thing. Just disappointed.
So now, me without exposition or excitement, I watch two of my all time favourites face off in the ring and try to convince myself that these two men can pull this off, if anyone can. They stare one another down... a lot. This would be really tense, if there was any actual mood and setting provided. Gah, I don’t want to be bitter about this, but I am! Things gets a bit better once they start pantomiming. Hunter glimpses over Undertaker’s shoulder at the gigantic Wrestlemania logo which hangs over the crowd (how long does it take to get that thing up and down from arena to arena?). Taker tries to hold off as long as he can before mimicking the look. The exchange meaningful glances. Undertaker knows exactly where Triple H is going with this, smirks, does the slightest shake of his head, puts on his hat, and walks off. He gets to the ring rope, stops, realizes that Triple H isn’t intimidated, and that will simply not do. So he does an about face and does the neck-slash pose. Ha! That showed him, Taker! He can’t rally back from that kind of... And then Triple H raises his hands above his head, and executes the DX crotch chop. Undertaker looks royally pissed off. They keep staring, I’m waiting for a punch...
And then we go to commercials.
WHAT THE HELL... Ahem. What the hell was building up the suspense there if you were just going to cut away? Who left first? I need to know who broke eye contact and walked away. That speaks droves about the mental state. I was half expecting them to still be in the ring, waiting to see who’ll blink first, but we’re never given any answers, or a conclusion to the debate. I know that this is to set up for the future, but that doesn’t mean you can sacrifice the narrative up to the climax! It’s bad enough you didn’t give me half a storyline to work with going in, now I have no storyline leaving! I need answers, Raw!
Well, in spite of my crushing disappointment of the current situation, and an outstanding lack of Kane, I do have hopes for this. I’m certain the angle they’ll go for is that Triple H wants revenge for the Undertaker getting rid of Shawn Michaels, which has potential. Again, in spite of my rants, these two are awesome, I have great faith in them, and although this story has tripped out of the gate, hopefully they can pick it up as we go down the road.
Next match: Sheamus vs Mark Henry. Yes, the man who actually put the aforementioned King of Kings on the shelf for nearly a year not only does not get any screen time with Triple H, or even have a proper reaction to his return, but is instead fighting Mark Henry. How about Sheamus and Kane just get together and form a tag team called the “Non-Addressed-Plot-Points?” Actually, a team of Sheamus and Kane would be the angriest thing to walk the Earth, so it’s just as well. But seriously, this is a huge thing for the writers to just miss on. Especially because Sheamus is coming on right after Triple H! We couldn’t have, I don’t know, had Hunter just wait behind for a bit whilst Sheamus comes out for his match with an agog look on his face? Nope, not a thing. Sorry, Sheamus, your career defining moment was worthless.
Even more worthless is this match. It seems that Sheamus has pissed someone off, and they are now making him out to be a bitch. Why else would anyone lose to Mark Henry? But it’s the way he loses that is abysmal. Sheamus had Henry down, gets ready for the Brogue Kick... and then, for no adequately explained reason, wastes time by taking off the turnbuckle cover, presumably to do further damage to Mark. Why?! All you have to do is kick him in the noggin, like you do every week, which is a damn sight more damaging than the stupid turnbuckle! So, having taken too much time and not doing the obvious thing, Mark Henry gets back up, runs Sheamus into the exposed turnbuckle (the irony!), and gets the World’s Strongest Slam for the win. Damnit, Raw, I don’t care if you’re upset with Sheamus over something: you spent all this time making this super-character, and now you’re completely raping him! You’ve wasted your time, and more importantly, my time! Sheamus is young, and will be around for a long time, and can actually be in the main event! Yeah, he can lose every once in a while, but don’t freaking take away his credibility! Geez...
Anyways, we go to back stage, where Daniel Bryan is giving the worst pep talk ever to girlfriend Gail, when Sheamus comes up in a rage, obviously pissed off that the writers are destroying him, and tells Daniel that he’s going to rip his face off and feed it to Gail. Whoah... Bryan asks what the problem is in an incredibly stoic manner, making me wonder if he realizes that Sheamus could probably kill him. The Celtic Warrior storms off. I can only hope this leads into further interaction between the two, as only good things, at this point, can come from it. A) Sheamus will get to fight someone who’s last name is not Henry; B) Daniel Bryan can actually have something resembling a purpose in life, as he’s been without for months; C) The United States Title might actually be contested for once; D) Both men will have something to do at Wrestlemania. Fingers crossed!
It’s sad when the best face-off in the show tonight comes between two announcers, one of which has never even been a wrestler. Michael Cole, of course, has become the heel commentator, and while he’s not bad at it, he really needs to tone it down, as he’s crossed the line from being a bad guy to just plain annoying at times. Any ways, he’s out in the ring to interview Jerry Lawler about his match last night. The evil laptop GM has stipulated that the two are not allowed to fight one another, or they shall be fired. Cole starts off the interview, and shows a really good evil side to him. Like I said, prior to this, he’s specialized in being mostly irritating, but within this segment, he really digs deep to make himself legitimately hateable. The questions he asks the King involve tearing down Lawler’s pride, pointing out how he lost, how he’ll never live his dreams out, all the while with a little smirk that you just want to slap off of him. Things gets a little akward, though, when Cole takes digs at King’s mother. The woman in question passed away a little over a week ago, and I’m certain that even for a wrestling promo, tapping into that sort of thing is way too soon. Lawler looks pretty pissed off about it, too, making me wonder if he was even in on the subject being brought up. I’m all for emotion, but I think this crossed the line of fourth wall acceptability.
King tells Cole to shut up, and that he still intends to get his dream to have a match at Wrestlemania. If he can’t be Champion, then he’s going to have the pleasure of beating Michael Cole. The crowd actually gets pretty excited at this: usually, matches between two non-regular wrestlers don’t get much heat. In this case, however, we have the lovable icon of The King versus the annoying and wicked Michael Cole. Really, the interaction between these two, and the animosity they’ve built to this point between one another, really does make this announcement very emotional and very real. See, that’s what you should have done for Undertaker/ Triple H, writers!
And now, the main event for tonight: a Tag Match with our new Tag Champions, Ginger and Mary Ann, against John Cena and the Miz. The idea is an old one: put two soon-to-be opponents on a team together and see how they do. It’s not a bad one, and can work if done right. Miz and Cena really do play with the mechanics of this one: you can see them constantly trying to one-up each other, and glancing back at their partner to make sure they’re watching. Also, they show themselves to be good at team work as well, doing most of the actual tagging, while the Tag Team Champions do very little. And then, after a very short period of time, Miz gives Gabriel the Skull Crushing Finale, and he and Cena are the new Tag Champs. Way to bastardize the Tag titles more than they already were, Raw.
Further emphasizing the uselessness of Slater and Gabriel, Barrett has to come out and demand the rematch for them. And a rematch we shall have. The second half is actually a better match than the first, with the Corre doing more work. As it turns out, though, Cena is going for the Attitude Adjustment, when Miz sneaks up from behind, takes out Cena, and walks away, allowing the Corre to win back the titles they just lost.
I have a question: if this match was just to have Miz backstab Cena... why didn’t he do it to him in the first half of the match, instead of winning the titles with him?! He clearly doesn’t care about losing the Tag Team titles (and, really, who does any more?), so winning them was just as irrelevant. Why didn’t you just merge the two into one big match? Why do you like pissing me off, Raw?!
Thus the first step for Raw towards Wrestlemania ended up being a trip, with the face of the runner being planted into the ground, and the nose being broken. Things can get better, and have to, because they can’t get much worse.
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