Remember When We Wrestled on this Show?

After the stumble that was last week’s episode of Raw, I tune in with hope that the writers have decided to improve. I will be horribly disappointed about ten minutes in.

Things kick off with Triple H, here to offer us some much needed exposition. Much to my surprise, his motivation in challenging the Undertaker is not, as I thought, avenging Shawn Michaels, but rather, trying to make this a battle of God-Mode vs. God-Mode. Hunter starts off by pointing out that he’s done it all, and you realize that he has: he’s won every title, he’s beaten everybody, he’s done every kind of stipulation, and has managed to outlast the likes of Stone Cold, The Rock, Jericho, Kurt Angle, Goldberg, etc. (Oh, yes, I put Jericho in that list. Best in the world at what he does, baby!). And now, as it comes to it, the only thing left for him to do that counts as a challenge is to try and take away the Undertaker’s undefeated streak at Wrestlemania, which stands at 18-0. Triple H points out that he’s the only real challenge left to the Undertaker, and thus, theirs will be a clash of titans.

Which would be fine, if Triple H didn’t sound either half asleep, or semi drunk throughout this promo. First off, he seems to forget the Undertaker’s name, and has to keep referring to him as Deadman. Moreover, there’s no spark of liveliness in this at all: Hunter plods through his accomplishments like he’s bored rather than proud, and sounds tired and old rather than trying to gear up for a match with the almighty Undertaker. The thing goes on a very long time, and with no emotion at all. He’s trying, but he just sounded uninspired and stilted. I’m very disappointed, because Triple H is so much better than this performance, and the storyline they are gearing for has potential, but not with a lacklustre showing as this. If one of the combatants doesn’t care, I certainly don’t.

Just as Hunter is wrapping up, we finally get to see Sheamus come out, a big grin on his face. Finally, we’re going to deal with this. Sheamus gets into the ring... and is promptly destroyed by Triple H. Uh... kay. That was a good use of screen time. But wait, there’s more! The newly returned Evan Bourne dashes out and beats Sheamus in about a minute. Fantastic. So instead of giving a satisfying conclusion to the feud that started at last Wrestlemania, we’re just going to keep screwing over not only Sheamus, but the fans who actually want to see decent matches, decent feuds, and a decent show. Seriously, is Raw even trying anymore? They’ve completely lost touch with what fans want, and go week to week trying to cut and paste scraps of a show together in hopes that it looks passable, without any kind of plan or organization behind it to make it all work in the end. They’ve destroyed a main character, they won’t deal with storylines, and they keep giving us squash matches which are not entertaining. As it stands, I would not be buying a ticket to a live Raw event any time soon.

Once again, the best confrontation of the night is going to be coming from the announcers. Cole comes down the ramp with a sinister little smirk and tells King to come out into the ring. Props to Michael Cole: he’s transformed himself into this weedy announcer to probably the biggest heel on either show. And it’s not one of those “sexy evil” things that Orton does. Cole is just downright despicable. He says terrible things, he gets on your nerves, and actually, when he has to do an “intense” promo, he does it very well. I think the whole character works even better because we all remember Cole as the quieter, quintessential face commentator, so that this turn is just that much more jarring. Anyways, Cole starts by building his accolades as the gutsiest man in the WWE, generally getting boos, and says he will not face King at Wrestlemania, unless he’s allowed to have his personal trainer in his corner, and gets to pick the referee. See, this is vintage (see what I did there?) evil: you have this cowardly, snarky jerk who talks a big talk, but only if the deck is stacked in his favour, and he’s doing everything in his power to crush the hopes of our gallant hero, when we all know good and well he couldn’t do it on his own. I personally find this to be more antagonistic than the lone-wolf villain, who you can’t help but respect on a certain level. There’s nothing respectable about what Cole is doing in this story: he’s being an ass, actively becoming more ass-like, and as such, you want to see his ass get kicked. Unlike with, say, the Punk vs Orton thing, there’s no real support for the evil that Cole is doing: you just want to see him get his comeuppance. And that’s why I find this to be so compelling. There’s a genuine desire to see Cole get the snot kicked out of him.

This is further helped by King, who says that Cole could have the entire Justice League in his corner (not in those words, but I think that’s what he was going for), the answer would still be yes. Lawler is the perfect foil here to Cole (if we conveniently forget that the character Cole is doing now was Lawler in the 90s. Oh, wrestling.). He’s coming off as this tired hero who’s been through it all, never got the due that was coming to him, and has been screwed over by this guy multiple times to the point where even if it kills him, Lawler wants a shot at taking out Cole. King is going over into this match as the respectable, decent, last-great-hero, and is playing the role very nicely. His facial shots always seem to convey that he desperately wants to punch Cole, risking getting fired, but trying to hold back, thus creating much inner turmoil that is transmitted across camera.

It turns out that Cole’s trainer is to be Jack Swagger, which came as a bit of a shock to me, as I was gunning for Swagger vs Kofi at Wrestlemania. But, whatever. This leads to a great moment where Cole blatantly hides behind Swagger and slaps King in the face. King finally breaks and tries to go after Cole, but Swagger takes him down in the Ankle Lock, holding King to the ground while Cole gets in his face and laughs at him. If you compare the sheer emotion and intensity conveyed in this segment to the Triple H drone-fest earlier, you can see why I feel this is the best storyline going so far. These two seem to genuinely be trying to give their best in this, and even if the match itself sucks, at least I care about it going in.

Next up: Randy Orton, and the most awkward promo ever. Orton comes out, and says that he did make a mistake in taking out CM Punk back in 2008... because he should have kicked him harder. He then goes into a rambling speech about how he wants to make Punk in a paraplegic, and that Punk’s only goal in life will be to walk again. Uh, Orton? That is not a good thing. In fact, that is not something anyone can even conceive of getting behind. Especially considering that there have been cases of that in wrestling in the past. I don’t want to do the whole “you can’t say that because...” thing, as I know you need to say something provocative in a promo in order to get emotion across, but this was not the thing to touch on. Not only is it a little to real, it is not something I want to hear from the alleged heroes of the show. I don’t care if Orton is technically a tweener, he is being pushed as a good guy. And to have a good guy talking about breaking necks and putting people in wheel chairs is just absurd. What really, really pisses me off is that during this speech, you can hear some chick do the fan-scream, as if this is a huge turn-on. No. Orton is not a good guy. He does nothing that is redeemable. Can we please stop this, and turn him back into a villain, where he belongs.

Punk comes out, tells Orton he’s an idiot, and that he and the Nexus are about to lay waste. Unfortunately, the evil GM laptop intervenes, and makes a plotline which we will be going through until Wrestlemania: Orton will be facing members of the Nexus for the next few weeks, and if a member of Nexus wins, they will get to be in Punk’s corner at Wrestlemania. If Orton beats them, however, they are banned from Wrestlemania. Very well, I can get behind that.

The first match is between Orton and Michael McGullicuty, which I have woefully misspelled, but I don’t care nearly enough to look up the actual spelling. This match is actually pretty decent, and is the closest thing we’re going to be getting to a wrestling match this evening, so we might as well enjoy it. Michael doesn’t do too bad for a man with no personality, but Orton chalks up the win. Our hero then poses down to kick Michael in the skull, probably giving him a concussion. Seriously, how are people cheering for this guy? He’s every bit the evil bitch he was in 2008! Remember how much we hated him then? What exactly changed? Answer: nothing! He’s the exact same character with the exact same irredeemable qualities that would land most people in jail. But! There is something here that I will commend Orton for: the face he does before kicking Michael. He’s intense, he’s motivated, he wants to kill. IE, there’s emotion. My constant complaint against Orton is that he’s a block of wood, but in this segment, it at least looks like he cares. Of course, it only really works if he’s a villain, but I’ve already addressed that. So he kicks Mike in the head, and then dashes off. Why is he dashing off? Well, because that’s what the villain does, if he was a villain, after committing an assault, except that he’s really our hero, despite acting like a villain, and we all cheer him like a good guy for being the villain. Confused?

More talking, this time with the Miz and Cena. Miz comes out to once again try and establish that he is the one who should be taken seriously. I agree, Miz. I agree completely. I also agree that rather than having you come out here and be forced to tell us that you’re important, the writers should stop wasting time and actually /show/ us that you are important. It’s like he’s not only yelling at Cena and The Rock, he’s having to beat us over the head to remind us that he’s the Champion within the storyline involving the WWE Championship. The Miz should not have to struggle to be the main antagonist within the Title Match when he’s the one holding the title! Anyways, the Miz informs us that the reason he ditched Cena for the Tag Team titles match was because he could. I was hoping for a line telling us that he could giveth life and taketh it away, but alas.

Cena then dashes out, and hurts the intensity of the story even more by making bad jokes about the Miz being OCD. Cena, I love it when you’re funny, but now is not the time for that. Remember last year, when you stared Batista down and made it clear you were mad as hell and weren’t going to take it anymore? I need more of that. I need you, the writers, the audience, to start taking this seriously, because I’m not buying any of it right now. There’s no emotion, no feeling, and I can’t bring myself to be anything but angry about this. It’s the WWE Title! There should be drama! There should something like Ric Flair pretending he slept with Miss Elizabeth to drive Randy Savage crazy! There should be something like Iraq- sympathizing Sergeant Slaughter fighting Hulk Hogan. Or Randy Orton RKOing Stephanie McMahon (remember when you were compelling, Randy?). Give me something to work with, Raw! Give me a reason to give a damn!

Long story short, Cena has a match with minion Alex Riley later in the evening, and if Cena wins, Riley must no longer be the Miz’s lackey. Fair enough. Of course, I don’t suppose the Miz could have just said no to such a request, but that’s wrestling.

And now, our 1 minute of Diva’s action for the evening. It’s a Battle Royale to decide who the #1 contender will be for Eve’s title. The Bellas win. At first, I was extremely upset at this, because there’s a distinct lack of Natalya and Melina in my viewing diet as of late. Then I realized that the Bellas are the only ones on the women’s roster who have not either held the Divas Title, or had a shot at it. So, in a bizarre way, I suppose they have it coming. That doesn’t mean I care. Impress me, Bellas.

We now get a video conference with the Rock, who is replying to the Cena rap of last week. The Rock is not impressed that the best Cena could come up with is a rap, and tells him so. The Great One is also furious that Cena insinuated that Rocky didn’t care about the WWE, and says that he paved the way for wrestlers to get into Hollywood. That would a bigger claim if most of the movies with wrestlers in them weren’t generally very poor, but still, he has a point. And really, acting is probably the best post-career outlet for wrestlers, so yes, the Rock has a good real-life point. Still, this once again drags the main point of Wrestlemania back to Cena and the Rock, and not the Miz. I would just like to reiterate that it would have made a lot more sense to just have Cena face the Rock, given that this is what the story looks like right now, and given a title shot to Morrison. Also, I just realized, there is no Morrison this week. Boy, nothing like keeping fan favourites away from the fans. Otherwise, people watching the show might actually get what they want.

Speaking of not getting what I want: wrestling. So far, we’ve had one actual match (no, the Battle Royale and Bourne’s comeback do not count). Daniel Bryan’s match, alter in the evening, does not even get started as the Miz interferes for no adequately explained reason. So the only matches we had tonight were Orton vs McGuillicutty (still don’t care about spelling), and the proposed Cena vs Alex Riley. That’s two matches, each averaging about ten minutes each, in a two hour show. That is pathetic. I know it sounds odd, but generally, I like having wrestling inside my wrestling shows. This is like having a guy throw a punch at the beginning of an action movie, and the rest of the film is spent on a park bench feeding ducks. It doesn’t help that the talking thus far is completely mediocre and tedious. This is an epic fail, Raw. Just because you call yourself the “Flagship show” doesn’t mean you can just put whatever the hell you want on the air without any attention to quality. I said last week that things couldn’t get much worse, but boy, did you prove me wrong.

Let’s wrap things up: the main event will also be placed inside a steel cage, where the only way to win is via escape. Miz has promised that he wouldn’t interfere as he sat at ringside, but that’s a dirty lie. He interferes in just about any way he can, from blatantly keeping Cena in the cage to passing weapons to Riley to taking pictures of a pained Cena with his blackberry. Incidentally, the running joke of the phone in this one is pretty amusing, in spite of my rage at the lack of seriousness. The match is all right, though it’s clear Riley is a little rusty with his ring work, and Cena doesn’t have a lot he can do with him. The thing that keeps the movement going has got to be the Miz and his constant interference. He is the main source of antagonism and compelling action in this match. Which, of course, makes me wonder why if he’s the source of energy why he isn’t the one wrestling, but hey, it’s Raw, and doing the obvious thing is a terrible idea. So Cena wins, but as he gets out the door, Miz hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale. This is Raw’s way of trying to show us that Miz has Cena’s number. It would be more effective if the rest of the show was spent conveying that message.

Two shows into the final lap, and Raw is hitting 0-2. This wouldn’t be so infuriating if there wasn’t such potential for greatness that was simply not being realized. All the pieces are there so that this should be an entertaining journey, but as it stands, it’s like the writers are just flipping off the fans because they feel we don’t deserve a good show. When the only good storyline thus far involves the announcers, there is something horrifically wrong. Shape it up, Raw.