The Magic Orton Bus

Monday Night Raw starts things off with us being told that we are to be greeted with JR. Naturally, this being wrestling, instead, we get Cole in a black Stetson carrying a bottle of barbeque sauce and a cast on his ankle. He chucks his hat at Lawler, and then, of course, dashes into his box so that nothing can happen to him, as he still taunts King. What a jerk.

Now for a not-fake entrance: Triple H. We’re told,  yet again, that the Undertaker’s streak is in jeopardy. I still won’t believe it until I have a reason to. All right, Hunter, make me care. Give me that promo I know you’re capable of! He reminds us that it’s been twenty years, and that he oft wonders if it’ll be the last time. More musing about how this is the defining moment of his life, and how everyone is looking forward to it. He knows that neither he nor the Undertaker will be the same after, and that if he were to end the Streak, it would mean more than any  of the championships he’s ever won. But he wants the Undertaker to do him a favour: next week, he wants the Undertaker to come to Raw, and stare him down, and tell him that Taker will lose. Because God knows that we can’t do that now, or in the last four weeks. No, we’d rather keep talking about how we /should/ feel, rather than giving us a chance to see it. Also, if this all seemed very familiar, it’s because it’s nearly the same promo we got back in week two. Triple H has done it all/ he wants to fight the Undertaker/ it will be a big deal. There’s nothing new here. They should be slowly building on this plot, or at least adding new elements to it, in order to maintain interest, but that is not happening at all. It assuming that it can get by on the star power in it, but that’s really not good enough in this case.

...And now, for some reason, we have Ted. Huh. He’s here to talk about how, a year ago, he was one of the rising stars in the WWE, and now, he’s an after thought. But, what if, says Ted, he takes out the Cerebral Assassin on live TV? Well, Ted that would mean that you weren’t boring, which we all know to be a lie. Naturally, Hunter responds by punching Ted in the face. But, to Ted’s credit, he gets a couple shots in. Not for long, though, as Triple H soon commences with tossing Ted about ringside, hitting him with the ring steps and beating him with a steel chair. Not happy, Triple H takes Dibiase to the announce table, and Pedigrees him through it. I will never tire of that. It’s just a fun move to watch. Still, it’s a bit of a pity that this is the second time this Road to Wrestlemania that Hunter has buried a younger guy at the beginning of the show. But I’d rather have it be Dibiase than Sheamus, so I walk away happy.

Speaking of which, Sheamus is in the ring after the commercial break, ready to take action against Evan Bourne. I really like both of their shirts. It’s funny seeing Evan stand next to Sheamus, because you realize just how wee Evan is, and how easy it would be for Sheamus to squish him. I am hesitant for a second as Bourne gets a single insiguri in and sets Sheamus up for the Air Bourne, but the Celtic Warrior dodges and gets the Brogue Kick for the win. Well, that was a good five seconds, but I suppose having suffered this same fate himself for the better part of two months, he had it coming. Sheamus has no time to brag, for Daniel Bryan arrives. He tells Sheamus that he’d like he’s rematch at Wrestlemania. Sheamus kicks him in the head. ...So, is that a yes or a no? I think you need to work on your people skills, Sheamus.

We see Orton coming out of his bus. He talks about how great his bus is. How he watched the New Nexus assemble and fall from his bus. What a great bus it is. Oh, and, uh, Orton says things about Punk. Go back to the bus.

A Divas match is next, with Maryse and Eve. Maryse, being Maryse, spends most of her time posing down, until Eve slaps here. Maryse can’t wrestle, but she has such a great character, and acts it very well. Cole interrupts again, telling them to get the match over with, like a total jerk. Seriously, I don’t get this. And why just Eve’s matches? Do they have the hate on her for some reason? Eve tries to finish things with a moonsault, but is blocked. However, she is consoled with a neckbreaker to pick up the win. Give Eve credit, she tries to bust into Cole’s box and slaps Michael, as Cole tries to trash talk her. I guess if Eve wants to get her hands on Cole, she’ll have to... think outside the box!

Oh great, the Corre. Because seeing Orton talk about his bus wasn’t boring enough. Here to battle them is Santino and Koslov. Betcha this match ends with shenanigans. Gabriel kicks, Slater stomps. Frankly, I’m stunned. Koslov gets into the match and commences with battering Slater. Oh, but Barrett makes a distraction and Gabriel does his 450 Splash to win. Wow. I really wish I had been counting how many times I’ve seen this exact same match with that exact same finish. That way, my disappointed could be measured in numbers.

No sooner does the Corre begin their fearsome Corre Stomp then Big Show and Kane appear, ready to kick some ass. Santino and Koslov get back up and get a few blows in. I get happy nostalgia as Show and Kane go for the double Chokeslam on Jackson. Santino tries to shake hands with Kane to show his appreciation. This is probably a terrible idea. I presume this is going to lead to a four on four match at Wrestlemania. I would be happier about this if it wasn’t the Corre.

We have John Cena via satellite. He tells us that the time has passed for breakfast cereal, as next week, he will be face to face with the Rock, and if there is a problem there, then he will solve it. King asks Cena if he’s been underestimating the Miz, to which Cena says: yes. The fact that he’s sitting at home for this has proven that Miz has earned the right to call himself champion. But, he says, if Miz plans on rewriting history, than at Wrestlemania, Cena plans on making history. I’m glad that Cena and Miz have really amped up their one-on-one diatribe with each other, and it’s playing out very well. Cena is regarding Miz  as an actual concern and threat, and Miz is showing that he can take on Cena and thus prove himself to be a good champion.

Cole tells us that our next segment will be another historic interview, which makes me wonder: why was he telling the Diva match to get over and done with if his interview wasn’t until much later anyways? This is really bugging me. It’s a huge middle finger to the women, and is totally unwarranted. More importantly, it doesn’t add anything! Unless Eve is somehow going to become potent later in this story (which I can’t see how), than Cole’s constant belittling of her doesn’t make any sense.

Se we have Jack Swagger and Cole in the ring. First we get a recap of what happened last week, with Brian Christopher and King. Cole laughs at the line “...ashamed of you.” This week, it seems that Michael has the Lawler Family Photo Album. We get photos of King’s dad, while Cole gives commentary about how his father must be thinking Lawler to be a failure. Cole notes that both King and his father have a lot in common: they’re bullies and cowards. That’s more than King can take, and he goes out to the ring. Jack tries to stop him, but Jerry gives him what for, and dashes after a fleeing Cole. Sadly, Swagger clocks him with a clothesline while Michael locks himself back in the box, so that he can taunt from safety. Seriously, Josh, you’re the worst wingman ever.

After the commercial break, Cole apologizes for letting his emotions getting the best of him, but Lawler just keeps pushing his buttons. What a jerk. The Cole/Lawler segment for this week, I felt, didn’t have the same emotional impact as the ones before, mainly because they set the bar for dastardliness last week with the assault on JR, which is hard to top. As such, going back to name calling doesn’t have the same oomph behind it. Still interested, but there wasn’t much intrigue this week.

Here comes Dolph, now toting LayCool and Vickie as his groupies. Morrison, on the other hand, has Trish Stratus. John wins. We watch as the match progresses, and I’m reminded about how much I enjoyed when these two were fighting over the IC Championship a year or two ago. They just work well together, and their matches are entertaining. Sure enough, though, LayCool tries to get involved, sparking more interference from Trish on Morrison’s behalf. Whereupon the Evil Laptop GM (it’s going to need a name one of these days) declares that the match will now be a handicap match with Morrison and Trish vs. Dolph, Team LayCool, and Vickie Guerrero. Well, Raw, that is a good idea. Seriously, I think that could work. Know where this match could have worked better? Wrestlemania. And it could have worked just like this... without damned Snooki! Seriously, she’s not even going to show up to the regular shows, just waltz in, do a few terrible punches, and get the press clippings from it? Generally, I’m against celebrity appearances within actual matches, but I will concede they sometimes work. The Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather match at Wrestlemania 24 was surprisingly good. But I don’t see how Snookie can add anything to this, other than bring in a few spectators from MTV at the expense of the actual wrestling fans.

Anyways, back to the match. It’s pretty good, nothing too terrible. I liked the ending, where Dolph hits the Zig Zag on Morrison, and tags in Vickie so she can get the pin. Why do I not begrudge this to Vickie when I just said having non-wrestler appearances in matches was pointless? Because Vickie’s earned a perk or two. She takes a lot of stuff on the chin, a lot of jibes, and if she can get a win in her throw-away matches every now and again, I will not say no. Now, if Snooki wanted to come out for a few weeks and have jokes thrown at her, maybe we could talk.

Our final match of the evening is between Orton and Rey Mysterio, in what is being billed as a Wrestlemania Rewind from WM22. I would be truly enthralled if they had Kurt Angle in this as well, but that, of course, is impossible. The match is relatively short, and generally pointless. I’d buy the Rewind angle if we had been doing this all along, but it’s obviously just been thrown together and equals no investment from myself. What does matter is when we see CM Punk over the Titantron, next to the pre-mentioned bus, where Orton’s family is chilling out. Punk, being evil, insinuates he’s going to go inside the bus and introduce himself to Orton’s wife. Orton dashes out of the ring, into the parking lot, only to receive a whack from a wrench to the leg from Punk, who informs Randy that his days of kicking people in the head are over. This was a good “Evil Punk” moment, and helped get him back some momentum, as the story had so far been dominated by Orton. Something about it felt lacking, though. I believe it was the timing: if this had happened during a match with anyone but Mysterio, which was being billed as the main event for the evening, I wouldn’t have felt slighted, since I was actually hoping to watch the match and not have it cut short by Punk. I think if it had gone earlier in the show, it might have worked better then interrupting the main event. Personal opinion.

Finally, to wrap up the evening, we see Alex Riley in the ring, who informs us that he has been un-fired (just like how the Undertaker can un-die), and is now in charge of media relations (or something) on behalf of the Miz. Speaking of which, the WWE Champion now enters the ring, telling us that he’s made a habit of turning the world upside down. As such, he’s taken the liberty of altering the WWE Championship belt... by turning the logo upside down so it looks like an M. Uh, right. I think I can see what the Miz was going for here, with the idea of dishonouring the belt in such a fashion to gain heat, but really, it just looks like he’s wearing the thing upside down, which makes him look more like a doofus who got dressed in the dark than a bad guy. The idea was good, but the execution was faulty. It would have been better if he had just made a new logo altogether. John Cena reappears over the Titantron, and echoes my opinions by pointing out how silly a move that was. While John is talking from what appears to be his living room, we see a few people come into the screen and start removing the furniture and backdrops to reveal that John isn’t home at all! He’s right in the arena, and he’s coming to take the Miz out. The timing on this reveal was very well done, especially considering the sombre, chastised Cena we had earlier in the show. So John comes out to the ring, throws a few punches, and, naturally, Miz bails, leaving Alex Riley to take a beating. Oh, Alex. No one takes senseless abuse quite like you. Our show ends with John standing triumphant in the ring, having garnered his first real victory thus far against the Miz.

This episode was, well, kind of boring. It had moments of brilliance, such as Punk playing games with Orton and the bait-and-switch with Cena, but other than that, not a whole lot happened. Triple H still has his needle stuck in a groove, the Cole/Lawler rivalry didn’t really go anywhere new, the main event was really short and pointless, the Corre did what the Corre has done since its introduction, and all together, nothing really happened to up the ante for Wrestlemania. I didn’t throw anything at my screen, but I didn’t really have anything to care about. Raw is now 2 for 5 for leading into Wrestlemania, with one show left to go. Let’s see if they can get even.