What's a Snooki?

In spite of my dread of any episode which had the words "Guest star Snooki" in it, Raw was a pleasant surprise in quality this time around.

We open the show with the Rock, via Titantron, talking to President Obama over the phone, having a jovial discussion about John Cena’s reply last Monday. You know what? I would not be surprised if this conversation happens on a regular basis. Rock brushes off that no one found Cena entertaining, until, shockingly, Cena’s music starts playing. The Great One looks put out, rises, and asks what on Earth John is doing in his house. Whereupon we are greeted with... a six year old dressed as Cena. This could have flopped, but the Rock, being the Rock, pulls it out and makes it great. He sits little Cena down, and tries to break the news gently that Cena will never be as good as the Great One. The reason... well... he’s just not that talented. Having it written down, this segment loses a lot, but the way the Rock owns this bit with his acting is pretty spot-on. He gives the impression of trying to be genuinely concerned about breaking the news as tastefully as possible, and minding his words carefully, all while verbally maiming John Cena. In other words, its classic Rock. I’m almost inclined to forgive these segments with him and Cena for sidetracking the main plot. To cheer up the talentless young rapper, Rock offers him a box of Fruity Pebbles, which, if he eats, he can one day hope that he can be as awesome as the Rock. I wonder if Fruity Pebbles even knows why they must be earning so much more revenue over the last few weeks...

Sending the now pleased Young Cena away, Rock puts on his serious face. That right there is why I love both Cena and the Rock on the mic: their ability to make me die laughing one minute and then tremble in fear and apprehension the next is flawless in its transition, believable in its execution, and helps bring the entertainment of the oft comic-like world of wrestling into a real drama. This time, he’s addressing the Miz, and I’m happy that he’s using his serious face for this, as it helps reinforce the Miz as a legitimate threat and contender, just as Cena did on Friday. Rock comments that the Miz crossed the line when he talked about the Rock’s family, treating them with disrespect, and worse then that, he dared to whip out the  People’s Elbow, and that is just unacceptable. Well, says the Rock, the Miz had better just watch out, or he’ll just have to whip his candy ass. Honestly? It’s something of an honor to be told that the Rock wants to beat you up. I mean, he’s the damn Rock! He’s only going to take time to hit you if you’re worth it. And that’s why this segment works so well to address all the problems I had earlier in the month.

We have a shot of Trish Stratus standing next to Snooki. The juxtaposition is jarring: one of the most integral and important women in WWE history standing next to one of the most useless women in television history. I don’t think I need to say much more than that. The scene speaks for itself.

Cole has built himself a pexi-glass box from which he will announce from for the evening, so that he is safe from attack. I am amused.

Right after the Rock, we get the Miz, who looks bemused that people are booing him. The Miz’s goal is to see how many boos he can earn in the next five minutes, and does a decent job of it. Every line he delivers is designed to get a reaction, starting with asking the people if they’re done making noise. Smiling, the Miz points out that neither Rocky’s father or grandfather were ever WWE Champion, so naturally, he’s better then him. He will make Rock cry like the six year old in the promo. The Rock talks about how he can beat Cena, the Miz has actually done it. And should the Rock actually show, the Miz promises that he will take care of him as well. I don't think its the Miz's best work, as he seems a bit unconcerned as he delivers it; I assume this is to show confidence, but I was hoping for more of the Miz's usual chip-on-the-shoulder attitude.

The evil Laptop GM rings that it has a message. Cole ventures out of his safety box, but is cut off by the pass by King, who sends Cole back to his cage. Lawler goes over to the lappy, and informs us that we will be having two matches tonight, one of which being Cena will face Alberto Del Rio. The Miz asks who he will face, as he’s beaten every one. Well, says King, not /everyone./ There’s one man who the Miz has never faced. Everyone in the crowd is one their feet for what surely must be a match with...

...The Great Khali.

I am grossly underwhelmed.

Khali lurches about, is generally un-entertaining, but that’s nothing new. Miz looks to be in a bind, but we get the return of Alex Riley, who comes to save the day. And by save the day, I mean he takes a beating. But then the Miz returns to hit the Great Khali with a chair, thus emphasizing he is evil. Sadly, this only works if the person being beaten with the chair is someone I don’t want to see beaten with a chair. No heat is gained here, only gross satisfaction, so we don’t even get that. If it had been Evan Bourne, it would have been shocking and villain worthy, but alas. Also, as are most Khali matches, it was short, consisted of Khali getting in a few power moves before having the opponent be disqualified, and was altogether pointless. However, the Miz does manage to cut Khali’s back open, which I assume wasn’t supposed to happen, but again, it’s the Great Khali, and I just don’t care.

Holy cow, it’s John Morrison! I’ve been wondering where he had gone. Finally, we can see the Shaman of Sexy, the master of the amazing, the guy who puts on one of the best shows in the ring.... talking to Snooki. Damn your eyes, Raw... Vickie arrives to bitch out Snooki, and provide commentary for the thoughts of all the fans watching when she tells Snooki how irritating it is to watch her prance around like she matters. Yes, this is one of the few times Vickie will be getting cheered universally.

Time for the US Championship match, and to see how the screwing over of Sheamus shall finalize. As was announced last week, if Sheamus loses this match, he will quit. I think the threat of firing or quitting is being watered down a lot in recent months. We’ve had Kelly fired, Dolph fired, Edge fired, Vickie fired, all to reappear in short order. We all know that no that no retirement is forever in wrestling, but it’s still an important enough plot device that having it be nulled in threatening value by sheer over exposure does no one any favours. The start of the match is pretty decent, with Sheamus looking like he’s trying pretty hard, and Daniel Bryan doing what he does best in lieu of a personality, IE wrestle a good match. I don’t get the feeling of desperation as much as I think a match indicating potential firing should. Still, Sheamus does his usual brute-fighting, which can be interpreted as angry and eager. Sheamus tumbles out of the ring, and dekes his knee again. He limps about, but it turns out he was faking, then goes for the Brogue Kick, misses. Bryan tries to get in the LaBell Lock, but Sheamus gets to the ropes. Sheamus tries to use the Celtic Cross, but Bryan rolls him up. The finish of the match is great: Bryan tries to jump off the turnbuckle, but Sheamus gets the Brogue Kick in midair, catching Bryan in the head and downing him for the win.

That match almost makes up for the Sheamus rape of the last few months. There were twists, turns, I was kept guessing, there were moments where you didn’t know how it was going to end. The ending was brilliant, and I assume this is going to lead into a rematch at Wrestlemania. And, in retrospect, the losing streak up to this point helped the suspense, because you were so certain that the booking staff was determined to screw Sheamus over that you thought every near fall by Bryan was going to be the nail in the coffin. I still want the time spent on Sheamus jobbing back and used for bigger and better things, but in the end, good move, Raw, good move.

Michael Cole is in the ring now, with another exclusive interview, designed to expose King for the man he really is. He tells the audience that the minor setback with Stone Cold last week was an inconvenience, and that he's going to beat King regardless. Cole’s guest is the biological son of Jerry, Bryan Christopher, IE, Grand Master Sexay, for those unfortunate enough to remember the 90s. I will confess that until this point, I wasn’t aware of the connection between these two. I feel like I’ve failed as a fan for not knowing every conceivable trivia question of wrestling... Cole welcomes back Bryan, and points out the Christopher has never used the name “Lawler.” Bryan responds that he never felt like he had a father to begin with, and that he’s been neglected all his life. He accuses Jerry of not wanting anyone involved in his spotlight, and that even when he made it in the WWE, he still didn’t get the acknowledgement he deserved. Jerry says he’s glad that Bryan didn’t use the Lawler name, because he’s a bigger screw up than Charlie Sheen. Ouch. I don’t think King gained sympathy points on that one. There would have been more face value had King just remained stoic, I feel. Bryan counters by pointing out that at least /he/ competed at Wrestlemania. He slaps King about, demanding a response, and says that ultimately, he didn’t use the Lawler name, because he’s ashamed of his father.

Cole jumps all over this, proclaiming King a coward, running him into the ground... when a familiar drumbeat theme of an Oklahoma university plays.

Great Scot, here comes good ol’ JR. I can’t handle all these returns, WWE! I keep jumping up and hurting my knees! JR, in his true classy style, asks Cole if he doesn’t think this has gone on long enough? This has gone too far. Cole is furious, reminding Jim that /he/ is the voice of the WWE now, and JR should just go away. JR points out that the real voice of the WWE are the fans. Damn, JR could tell me that jumping in lava was a good idea, and still make it sound sage and a good idea. The man just has that kind of reassuring voice that makes you believe everything he says. Ultimately, JR calls Cole a rat bastard. Boy, we’re really flipping off the PG rating for the road to Wrestlemania, aren’t we?  JR goes to leave, Cole makes a comment about him scurrying away with his tail between his legs. Whereupon Jim stops, turns around, and takes off his suit jacket, gearing up for business (he doesn’t take off his glasses, which hurts the effect). But before fisticuffs can commence, Swagger appears from the crowd and accosts Lawler, then turns his attention to fellow Oklahoman Jim Ross. No, Jack, don’t do it! The love of the Schooners compels you... yeah, he kicks JR in the gut and puts him in the Ankle Lock, while Cole lambasts him. King gets back up, tries to save JR, but doesn’t fare much better. Then Cole, finally taking the initiative, applies the Ankle Lock himself to JR, and making him yell out in pain.

Seriously, this is a great storyline. Who hurts JR? It’s like punching out a nun carrying a puppy: it’s just a dick move. It’s taking one of the most beloved figures in WWE history, slapping him around, and then making him yell in pain. That, coupled with everything else Cole has been up to as of late, along with the personal attack on Lawler’s family life earlier, earns Michael Cole the proud owner of the Ultimate Bad Guy on either show right now. It makes me a bit sad to award this to an announcer and not a wrestler, but hell, this story has constantly grown and grown in its intensity, seriousness, and compelling episodic nature. Cole has become more deranged, more manic, more evil, toned down the annoying and cranked up the vile, despicable, little rat that he’s acting like. Brilliant. This is what the plots should be like going into Wrestlemania: things go from interesting, to compelling, to intense, to “Holy Hell, he just hurt Good Ol’ JR! What a dick!”

It occurs to me that Josh Matthews totally sold out his fellow announcers by just sitting behind the desk. Way to fail the team, Josh.

We now go to the story that wishes it could be what we just saw: Randy Orton and the Nexus. And by Nexus, I mean Punk and Mason Ryan.  We get a glimpse of Orton’s family in the crowd, and I am literally surprised to see a happy child and smiling wife. I was expecting more glowers, insane glints, and a lot less... pink. Huh. Well, Mason is the last man standing, and if Punk is going to have any allies at all, he must win. I notice that Mason was the last guy in the Nexus ship, and is now the last one in it. Good effort, Otunga, good effort. Now, I must confess, I wrote off Mason Ryan as another dull “Look, I’m big” wrestler ala Batista, with little in ring ability. But, color me surprised, he’s impressing me. He had a good match with Truth a few weeks back, and shows more moves now against Orton, indicating he’s not a complete one-trick pony. Granted, they’re all power moves, but they’re good power moves. Still not a huge fan, but not totally against it. But, once again, everything Ryan does is pointless, because Orton absorbs hits, then gets in a single RKO and wins. Damnit, Orton, this is precisely why you continue to piss me off. You used to be entertaining in the ring! You used to sell moves! You used to /have/ moves! Now you just waste time until the RKO and then earn a paycheck. I’m not satisfied, and I’m not entertained. Go watch your match with Edge for the Intercontinental Championship back when you were in Evolution and try to rediscover your inner abilities.

And then he kills Mason Ryan. If only you were still a Legend Killer, Randy...

Cole reminds the crowd that what he did to Jim Ross earlier was a real slobberknocker. Don’t you just wanna reach out and deck the guy?

Zack Ryder comes out of nowhere to hit on Snooki. This is funny, only because Zack Ryder is awesome, and he totally would.

Snooki comes out to try and pump up the crowd, and is booed. Good work, St. Louis. Snooki sounds genuinely fake in her attempt to claim she’s excited to be here. Anyways, the match we have here is a match between Vickie and Trish Stratus, in which Vickie is fighting for employment. You’d think Vickie would get her own theme music one of these days, but instead she walks to the ring without. She’s also furious, because Snooki appears to have stolen Vickie’s cover shot for Rolling Stone. I am amused. I will now sigh longingly as Trish Stratus enters. I have no shame in this. Seriously, though, adolescent crushes aside, Trish really is pretty awesome, for what she’s accomplished and her in-ring ability. The match consists of Vickie trying to escape having to actually fight Trish, and generally, having fun doing it. It’s silly, but I find I don’t mind. I should like to have had Trish in a real match, but I’ll live. Dolph dashes out to try and save Vickie, but is stopped by the flipping awesomeness that is Morrison. Now LayCool comes to aid Vickie, Michelle boots Trish in the noggin with her boot, and Vickie wins. Was this a great match? Obviously no. But it was fun, it was harmless, and I actually enjoyed it. Vickie seemed to be trying to figure out how ridiculous she could be, and  it worked.

And now, Michelle has noticed the completely blasé Snooki, who is no-selling all of this something fierce. Snookie tries to stand up to Michelle, and I’m reminded how tall Michelle is. Snooki pretends to be potent, but then Trish dashes in and shows how you throw punches. The segment ends with Morrison, Snooki, and Trish in the ring. But wait, there’s more! We shall now have a match with LayCool and Dolph against Trish, Morrison, and Snooki at Wrestlemania. Damnit, I would so totally be behind this match if it were just Morrison and Trish, because, well, that’d be awesome. Not only would that be one of the rare romance pairings I could back, but it would just be an entertaining team (Morrison could out-Diva the original Diva). Not to mention this gives Dolph and John something to do, which I’ve been concerned about. But why did they need to ruin this with Snooki? Why? My joyful joys are dashed by thinking about what this could have been, but instead is. Ah, well. Happy thoughts.

Raw is running overtime tonight by the time we get to the main event of Cena vs Del Rio. I love that Del Rio gets to come in with his usual car and pyro, while Brodus Clay has to wait in the back until Alberto’s done before he gets to come out. He’s not even allowed in the car. The match starts off well, with much energy and pacing as is apt for two men soon to be vying for Championships at Wrestlemania. I like how Alberto’s body language indicates he doesn’t take John very seriously, while Cena is intent on kicking Del Rio’s ass as best he can. Any time Cena does a drop kick, I have to be impressed. That can’t be easy for a man his size. Either way, the “Let’s Go Cena” chants are louder than the “Cena Sucks” chants tonight. The match is a good one: not a whole lot of finesse or the technical aspects we’ve come to expect from Del Rio, and a lot more punches, but it’s not terrible. But, just as Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, Brodus Clay intervenes, ending the match in disqualification. We wait for a beat down... but wait! The Rock’s music!

...And out comes the Miz, wearing a bald wig and doing a passable impression of the Rock. I will never tire of impersonations. More than that, the Miz uses the Rock Bottom on Cena, getting even more boos in the process. The villains all take turns beating up Cena (that’s awfully polite of them), while the Miz steals Rock’s poses and mannerisms, to the general disgust of the crowd. Finally, Miz rips off his bald wig, and beats Cena as himself. Miz takes the mic, asks Cena how his road to Wrestlemania is going, and then whacks him on the noggin. In between reaction shots of the crowd, Miz suplexes Cena on the entrance ramp, stops a potential miraculous comeback from our hero, and continues to shut down the crowd’s hope for satisfaction.

This was another pretty good Raw. We had little wasted time tonight, and everything was focused on building towards Wrestlemania. The Miz is finally being pushed as the main focus of the Cena/Rock storyline, I assume we're done, for the time being, with the slaying of Sheamus, and Cole got to jack up his heel status through the roof. The Sheamus/Bryan match was solid, the humour match was kept short but entertaining, the Cena/Del Rio match was pretty good. Obviously, if there was less Snooki, this could have been even better, but alas. Raw now has it's batting average at .500 for good shows on the road to Wrestlemania.